A Chance at a New Life

He heard Scott's voice and looked up.

"I love you Alex" Scott said, "I should have told you that long ago."

Suddenly Alex's mother was standing in front of him, shaking his shoulder and speaking so loudly that he had trouble understanding her words. She seemed to be saying: "can happen some other time, the plate is in the lake!"

The scene evaporated and he woke to the impelling hand and loud voice of a nurse, who was saying. "You can nap some other time, the patient is awake."

He looked over at the bed.

"Alex" Scott murmured, smiling drowsily at him.

"Hi, how are you feeling?"

"Lousy."

Alex quickly got up. "Are you in pain, should I call the nurse back?"

"No. How long have I been here?"

"You've just been moved to this room. For the past two weeks you were in Intensive Care. They kept you sedated so you'd heal faster."

Scott attempted to turn onto his side, which made him aware of the cast that enclosed his entire left leg, the one that covered his right arm from above the elbow to the middle of his fingers, and the capacious abdominal dressing held in place by tape and protected by gauze wrapped around him. "Holy shit! I'm practically a mummy! And I have one hell of a sore throat."

"It's from the breathing tube" Alex told him. "They had you on a ventilator. I know what will help."

He left the room and came back in with a cup of ice chips. He pressed a lever, rotating the upper half of Scott's bed to a reclining angle. "Open up" he said, digging a spoon into the cup.

Scott allowed Alex to spoon ice chips into his mouth. "Thanks, thatishelping. Do you know if anyone else was hurt?"

Alex did know. During the long wait that first night, he had been given all the details. He tried to formulate an answer that would cause Scott as little distress as possible.

Scott knew what the pause must mean. "One of our people was killed."

Alex was still trying to choose the right words.

"Not my partner."

It was a question.

"... Yes. I'm sorry."

Scott fought to keep from breaking down as he said, more to himself than to Alex: "He knew the risks. We all do. But instead of diving for cover when the shooting started, he tried to push me out of the line of fire. He wanted to protect me and it cost him his life."

Another detective had entered the room while Scott was speaking. "You would have done the same for him."

"Yes but it's my fault we went in the way we did. The backup team had full body armor, I should have sent them in first."

"We expected you to blame yourself" the new visitor said. "You blame yourself for everything."

Alex put down the cup of ice chips. "I'll go out in the hall so the two of you can talk privately."

"No" Scott said. "Please stay."

The visitor offered his condolences for the loss of Scott's partner and wished Scott a full recovery. Then he left.

Alex tried to make small talk but he soon saw that Scott was finding it difficult to keep his eyes open. "I'll come back this afternoon."

Scott didn't respond. He had fallen asleep.

Alex glanced out the open door. Seeing that the guard was looking elsewhere, he leaned in and placed a light kiss on Scott's lips.

As he began to move away, Scott's uninjured arm shot up and pulled him back in, where he was given an ardent return kiss. It was a kiss of remarkable power, especially considering Scott's condition. Then the arm sagged onto the bed and Scott was asleep again.

For a full minute Alex remained motionless, getting over his astonishment.

Finally he straightened up and turned to leave.

And saw that the guard was looking into the room.

The guard waved dismissively at Alex's horrified expression: "Relax, that was no shock. The minute they pulled out the ventilator tube and he could talk, he called your name."

Two weeks after Scott's transfer to the private room, an orderly came in with a wheelchair and told him that he was being discharged. Noting Scott's subdued reaction, the orderly said: "For someone who's going home after a month-long hospital stay, you look rather glum."

It was an accurate observation: Scott was disappointed, because Alex was not there. Until now, Alex had visited him every day and had always arrived well before this time of morning. "I was expecting a visitor but they didn't show up" Scott explained.

"Well they might have been delayed" the orderly offered, seating Scott in the wheelchair. "You never know."

The orderly wheeled Scott out to the departure area, where he could get a taxi home. Scott assumed that Alex must be at work, and wondered if the taxi driver would be willing to help him get from the vehicle to his house.

When he was wheeled all the way past the waiting taxis, he was puzzled. Then the orderly pointed to a man who was standing next to a private car. "Is that your visitor?" the orderly asked with feigned innocence.

Scott's face lit up. "Yes!"

The orderly helped Alex get Scott into the front passenger seat, a procedure the casts made somewhat tricky. As Alex buckled him in, Scott asked: "Wouldn't an ambulance have been easier?"

"Yes" Alex answered, "but you're not enough of a wreck to justify one."

"I'm a wreck? You need a course in diplomacy."

"It was a joke!" Alex said when he got into the driver's seat. "I hope they didn't remove your sense of humor when they took out your spleen." He started the car and pulled away from the curb.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Scott yelled. "YOU DON'T HAVE A DRIVER'S LICENSE!"

"Yes I do. While you were taking your ease in the hospital, your buddies gave me lessons and took me for the test. I think they got tired of squiring me around every time I had to buy supplies for one or another repair so your house wouldn't fall into ruin."

"You made repairs? That's great! Apparently you got along just fine even without me there to keep you on the straight and narrow."

"Ididn'tget along, I missed you like crazy. Whenever I had to leave your hospital room I would start counting down the hours until I could see you again. I read some of your books to take my mind off how empty the house felt without you. It's the first time I ever read books that weren't assigned in school."

Scott put a hand on Alex's shoulder. "I missed you too, Alex. You weren't the only one counting down those hours."

=====

When Alex had parked the car in Scott's driveway, he went around to the passenger side. "Up you go" he said, lifting Scott out of the car.

"Why areyoupicking me up?" Scott asked. "Where's my home health aide?"

"You're looking at him."

"You? Whatisthis?"

"This is what you get for taking me in and treating me like a son. Twice. You get a built-in home health aide."

"My medical insurance covers post-surgical care!"

"I've read your policy" Alex said as he carried Scott toward the front door. "The plan is fine for major medical but for an aide there's a separate deductible and a waiting period, and after that you'd have a thirty-percent copay. You'll need someone in attendance day and night for the next three or four months. Even combining my wages with your medical leave income, we couldn't swing that."

"You can't be here all day, you have a job!"

"Not anymore. I quit. I can always find another crappy position when you're self-sufficient again. Meantime we can get by on your income alone if we don't have the expense of a professional aide."

Scott continued to object. Alex jiggled him. "I'm trying to get this key in the lock without dropping you. If you keep fighting with me I'll just let go."

"You wouldn't dare."

"I'll claim it was an accident." He jiggled Scott again. "I think you're beginning to slip, you'd better not create any more vibrations by arguing, or down you'll go."

Scott laughed. "Ok you win, you're evil." Then he became serious: "Alex I know your intentions are the best, but―"

Alex cut him off: "But nothing. I love you Scott, I want to do this."

Alex's face reddened at what he had just revealed. He braced himself for Scott's reaction.

"I love you too" Scott said, "but when I'm out of these casts I'm going to smack you around for being so stubborn."

Alex felt a rush of joy.

He carried Scott into the master bedroom and got him settled in bed. "Lunch will be ready shortly."

As Alex was chopping vegetables, he mulled over Scott's statement about loving him 'too'. In retrospect, it seemed to him that the words had been tossed off rather casually. He began to suspect that Scott had thought Alex's revelation was merely figurative and had replied in kind. Still, there was that kiss in the hospital. Andwhata kiss! Pondering the matter, he almost distractedly brought the chopping knife down on a finger.

He reentered Scott's room with a loaded bed tray, helped Scott into a sitting position, and placed the tray in front of him. "I've cut your meat into small pieces so you only need your one available hand to eat, but I'll stay here in case you have trouble and want me to feed you."

"Wreck that I am" Scott quipped, "I think I can feed myself. But you're welcome to stay and keep me company."

=====

Following lunch, Scott said: "I have to take a dump."

"I'll get the bedpan."

"I don'thavea bedpan."

"Didn't have. I bought one."

"I'd rather use the toilet."

"Your toilet is in too narrow a space, there's no way I could get into position to seat you."

"Are you really prepared to deal with my bodily waste?"

"I'll happily deal with anything that has to do with you. I told you, I love you."

"Alex, I―"

"No don't say anything!" Alex commanded as he fled the room, fearful that Scott might repeat that he loved Alex too. Alex would not have believed it. Not as a reply.

Returning with the bedpan and a large rubber-backed cloth mat, Alex drew the blanket off, placed the mat on the other side of Scott and put the bedpan on the near side before opening Scott's pajama pants.

He gulped when he had drawn the opening down below Scott's light tan bush and he saw the long, fat, circumcised penis that lay draped over an amply-filled pouch. His gaze lingered on the substantial endowment as he lifted Scott far enough to draw the pants down to Scott's thighs and then moved him onto the bedpan. "I'll be in the living room; let me know when you're finished."

When he heard Scott call, he went in, lifted Scott off the bedpan and transferred him to the mat, laying him down on his side facing away. "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He took the bedpan from the room and returned with a plastic bag and a roll of toilet paper, from which he tore several sheets and formed a pad. Putting a hand on the uppermost cheek of Scott's bare behind, he said: "Your tushy must get as many furtive looks as mine does. It's a ten-pointer." With that, he lifted the cheek and started wiping.

Scott grunted. "This is even more embarrassing than when the nurses wiped me."

"Why?" Alex asked, glancing at the soiled pad before folding it and putting it in the plastic bag. "We all produce the same thing." He formed more pads and continued his work until a pad came away unstained. "All done" he said, playfully slapping the cheek he had just released. "I'll be back after I wash my hands."

A few minutes later, when Alex had slid the mat from under Scott and was getting the pajama pants back up, Scott said: "I grumbled about this but thank you. I know how disgusting it must have been."

"Not to me" Alex replied, reaching around and fastening the snap at the front of the pants. "Cooking taught me what it means to do something for the satisfaction, and this showed me that nothing is disgusting if you're doing it for someone you love. I understand now why there are even mothers who talk enthusiastically about changing their infant's diapers."

"So you think of me as an infant?"

"With those casts on, you might as well be" Alex answered, covering him. "Now get some sleep, it will help with your recovery."

"Turn me onto my other side, facing you."

Alex pulled the blanket down and slapped Scott's behind again. "You want to deny me the opportunity of sneaking up on you."

"Just turn me over."

Alex turned him and began to pull the blanket back up. Scott grabbed his arm. "Alex you can't be my cook, my housekeeper, and my twenty-four-hour-a-day attendant, it's too much for one person. You're here at night if I need anything; I'll hire someone for the daytime hours, I can afford it."

"No you can't, it would drain your savings. I'll be fine, I love doing things for you."

"Not bedpan duty, admit it, no matterwhatyou said before."

"Especiallybedpan duty. When else would I have an excuse to put my hands on your alluring buns?"

Scott gasped. "Alex, you're actually gay? I wasn't sure."

"How could you not be sure? Why did you think I kissed you that day in the hospital?"

"I thought maybe you were just feeling sorry for me."

"And when I told you outright that I love you?"

"Some kinds of love have nothing to do with sex."

Alex thought for a moment. "Ok, then I'll say it the way one of Jason's lawyers would say it in a legal document: My love for you includes, but is not limited to, lust. Does that clarify things?"

Scott chuckled. "Yes."

"Oh speaking of excuses to handle your tushy, I have to take your temperature every morning and evening. I'd like to use a rectal thermometer but it would be strictly for my own enjoyment; the doctor said oral readings will do."

"That's a relief. You've embarrassed me quite enough for one day."

=====

After dinner, when Alex had put the dishes away he went into Scott's room and took vital signs, entering the numbers on a chart for the nurse who would visit each week. "Are you tired, or would you like to watch TV?"

Only now did Scott notice that Alex had moved the TV set in from the living room. "Some TV would be nice. Thank you for bringing it in here." He looked around for the remote control. That was when he saw the cordless telephone. He picked it up. "Where didthiscome from?"

"I bought it. There was no phone in this room and people will be wanting to speak with you. It comes with two handsets and has an intercom feature. If you hold down the '1' my handset will buzz. You'll always have me within easy reach."

"I'll use this only if you let me pay for it. No discussion."

"... Well ... Ok."

Alex sat down and they watched TV together. At ten o'clock, Scott said "I'd like to sack out now, it's been a long day. In the hospital they get you up early."

Alex helped Scott to lie down and get into a comfortable position. Then he adjusted the pillows, pulled up the blanket and made it snug all around.

Scott grinned. "Tucking me in. I could get used to this."

Alex affected a wicked smile and rubbed his hands together in the manner of an old silent-film villain as he spoke in the most sinister voice he could summon up: "You had better, because now that I have you in my power I plan to spoil you rotten."

=====

Scott had been asleep for several hours when he shifted in bed and the drag of the casts brought him awake. Happening to look to the side, he saw Alex sprawled on the floor. "ALEX?" he shouted in alarm.

Alex's eyes popped open and he jumped to his feet. "Are you ok, do you need something?"

"No, you scared me! I thought you had passed out, I was ready to call 911! What are you doing here?"

"I'm sleeping in your room tonight. This is your first day out of the hospital, I wanted to be close by in case anything goes wrong."

"I have a phone with your number on speed dial! Get out of here, go to bed!"

Then more softly: "Alex I appreciate all you're doing but you have to back off, you can't watch over me every minute. Now please, go to bed."

=====

When Alex answered the door the next afternoon, he was greeted by a man holding a covered casserole: "Hi, I don't know if you remember me, I'm Pete Ryan."

"Yes Detective Ryan, I remember you from the hospital. Come in. Can I get you something, juice, or―"

"No, you have plenty to do as it is. Scott told me on the phone this morning that you're serving as his 'round-the-clock aide." Detective Ryan handed the casserole to Alex. "My wife said this would be a better gift than a book or one of those gift baskets. It should be enough for both your dinners, you just need to reheat it. Could I see Scott or is he sleeping?"

"No he's up" Alex said, pointing down the hall. "It's the second door on the right."

Coming back into the living room a short time later, Detective Ryan said: "He looks weak, Alex. Take good care of him, you don't find people like Scott very often."

"I will."

Alex's laconic reply prompted a question from the detective: "How much do you know about him?"

"Very little other than how generous he's been to me. He doesn't talk about himself."

"Yeah, that's Scott. I don't know a lot about him either but I can tell you his history at the Third Precinct: Scott makes no secret of being gay and although times are changing, most police organizations haven't yet given up their macho culture. Anyone at our precinct who's even suspected of being gay is given such a bad time that they usually quit within a year. Scott had it pretty rough in the beginning, but after a few months nobody wanted to hassle him anymore, there were too many things about him that they had to admire. For instance he refuses to take credit for anything; he says the credit belongs to the team. And while he was only a rookie cop he pulled all the occupants out of a burning car, knowing that it could explode at any time and incinerate him. There are still a couple of hidebound types who give him the cold shoulder, but the rest of us think the world of Scott." Detective Ryan looked at his watch. "I have to go now, my dinner will be waiting. I'm glad we had a chance to talk."

Alex opened the door for him. "Please tell your wife I said thanks for the food. And thank you for telling me about Scott."

=====

Following breakfast the next morning, Alex took the bed tray out to the kitchen and reentered a while later with a basin, which he put on a bedside table. Scott heard water sloshing around in the basin.

Alex went out again and came back with a washcloth and a bar of soap. "Time to get you squeaky clean."

"You've got to be kidding."

"The post-op instructions say you're to be washed every other day."

Scott was already chafing under the daily indignity of the bedpan and the humiliation of being wiped by Alex. He did not want to have his most intimate body parts washed by this young man. So to delay a bed bath until it could be done by the visiting nurse, he said: "This isn't any other day."

Alex began to unbutton Scott's pajama shirt. "Clever, but not original. You're quoting a character in 'Through the Looking Glass'."

Scott's eyes opened wide in surprise. "You've read 'Through the Looking Glass'?"

"It was in your bookcase. Which reminds me, I've been meaning to ask: Why do you keep it around? I have to admit it held my interest, but it's obviously meant for children."

"I keep it around because it's far more than a simple children's book, it's an ingenious, multi-level work. On the surface it's a children's story but much of the narrative is also meant for adults, that's why it held your interest. There are sophisticated jokes and plays on words like the one about the expression 'every other day'; there are conversations about logic; there's an implicit puzzle for mathematicians; and one passage would even appeal to philosophers. As if that weren't enough, the icing on the metaphorical cake is that except for an inaccuracy or two, the novel depicts a real chess game."

Alex had finished unbuttoning the pajama shirt. After an awed glance at the brawny chest he had just uncovered, he said: "I'd like you to explain all that to me some day, but for now hold your good arm back so I can get this off you."