A Clear View Ch. 03

He felt that it was true. If he were more of a man, more able to satisfy her sexual cravings, more spontaneous and less introspective, maybe it would be different. Judy just laughed and said he was the only thing keeping her sane.

Still, something more than a tryst with a random lover was possessing her. She would not even acknowledge that there was a problem, let alone open up to him. So, at her urging, he agreed to go see his mother. In truth, he felt relieved that he would be away from her, from her brooding, for a couple days.

He and his mother had a great visit. She had long ago stopped asking why Judy wasn't with him. Probably just as well, since he had long ago run out of excuses. He sent Judy a couple texts, but received no responses. Again, this was par for the course for their recent relationship.

Driving back home, he called her cell a couple times, but it went right to voice mail. As he walked into their home, Bryan felt something was off. It was quiet. No music, no TV, no Judy humming or talking to herself. He looked in their bedroom. It was empty, the bed made and the room in its usual semi-neat state. She was not outside, in the laundry room or the studio. He walked into the kitchen and saw the envelope on the counter, next to the stove. This was the place they always left mail or other material for each other.

A cold dread swept his body. He picked it up. In Judy's thin script, he read: "Bryan. Don't open this now. I'm in the garage."

His initial fear that she had left him and this was the good-bye letter was suddenly replaced by a bigger and deeper fear.

Opening the door from the mud room, he saw her car. Then he saw the vacuum cleaner hose snaking from the back of the car into the rear window. His heart raced. There was no sound, the car was not running.

He went to the front and through the closed window, saw Judy. She was smiling, but he knew it was a smile that would never change. He opened the door and touched her arm. The cold sensation would forever remain in his mind along with the unmistakable odor. He closed the door, went in the house and called 9-1-1.

He folded the envelope and stuffed it in his back pocket and went outside to await the ambulance.

The chief detective later told him, that Judy was probably there since Friday evening. Bryan assumed she went in not long after he left. The coroner would later declare the cause of death was asphyxiation due to carbon monoxide poisoning. There were also remnants of barbiturates, such as you got in sleeping medicine, in her blood. The detective said the car probably ran out of gas, since the ignition was still turned on.

"Did you find a note?" he asked Bryan not long after they had taken Judy away.

"No, nothing."

"Was she acting strange lately?"

"Judy was a strange person," Bryan said.

The detective asked more questions. Bryan had few answers. He told him about being out of town and gave the detective the numbers for his mother and sister, who could vouch that he was there the whole weekend. Bryan wasn't offended that the detective wanted to verify that Bryan wasn't home. Finally, the detective closed his notebook, offered condolences and left.

After calling his sister, who would break the news to their mother, Bryan called Jeff. Hearing the news, Jeff could hardly speak. He gave the phone to Linda and Bryan had to repeat the story.

"Oh, Bryan, I'm so sorry. Poor Judy. She was always so alive."

"Yes," Bryan said, "Yes, she was."

"Bryan, honey, did she leave you a note or anything?"

Bryan almost told her, but said, "No. No note."

"Bryan, we'll call the others. Just let us know what the arrangements are. Jeff and I will come up this afternoon."

"If you want," Bryan said, still not fully understanding what had occurred. "You can stay here."

"You're staying in the house?" Linda asked.

"Yes, it's my home. I have nowhere else to go."

"Maybe a hotel?"

"I'm staying here. There's plenty of room for the others, too. Ask them to stay here, please."

Jeff and Linda arrived in the early evening. After initial hugs and tears, Jeff fixed drinks and Linda held Bryan's hand.

"Have you done anything about a funeral?" she asked.

"Uh, no. I really don't know what to do."

"That's ok, Bryan. I can handle all that if you want."

"Would you, Linda? That's so nice of you."

Linda could see that Bryan was still in shock. "Why don't you take a nap?"

"Not sure I can sleep."

"Go upstairs and I'll be up in a minute."

Linda watched as Bryan slowly made his way to the stairs. She went into the living room to find Jeff on his cell phone. He mouthed, "Mark".

Linda took up the tumbler of Scotch Jeff had poured and downed half of it. She wondered how to proceed with arrangements. Being a small New Hampshire town, there shouldn't be too many funeral homes. She was wondering how to find out when there was a knock at the front door.

She opened it to find a woman in her sixties.

"Are you Bryan's sister?" she asked.

"No, I'm a friend. My name's Linda."

"Ah," she said. "How's he doing?"

Linda shrugged. She asked the woman to come in.

"I'm Hilda Hollister. We have the house next door. I saw all the commotion earlier. Then I heard the news. Small town, you know."

Linda nodded. "Hilda, I told Bryan I would help with the arrangements, but I have no clue where to start. Do you think you could help me?"

"Be happy to do what I can," she said.

"Let's start with funeral homes."

"Only one. Burtons. I'll call Cal, he's the owner. Tell him to get Judy from the hospital."

"Hospital? But you know she's...that she died."

"Hospital's where they do the autopsies and it serves as our morgue. Small town, Linda, small town."

"Oh, sorry, of course. If I give you my cell phone number, could you ask Mr. Burton to call me?"

"Oh, Cal's not a Burton. He bought the business from the Burton's. His name is Winslow. And, I'll have him give you a call."

"How about a church?" Linda asked. "I'm not sure if Bryan or Judy belonged anywhere."

"There's only two in town. Catholic and Congregational. Pretty sure they didn't belong to either. But, Charlie Blood, pastor of the First Congregational, is a nice guy and open to helping out. Pretty sure you need to be a member of the Catholic Church to have a funeral there. I'll call Charlie and ask him to get in touch with you. Nice of you to help Bryan like this. You must be part of that group that gets together down to the Cape."

"Yes, my husband, Jeff, and Bryan grew up together. There are two other guys that did the same. Luckily, all the wives get along. We love our annual get-togethers."

"Bryan talked about them all the time. Said he never laughs so much as when he's with all of you. Judy seemed to enjoy them, too. Going to miss her. Judy was special. Lots of energy, lots of mischief. Had a lot of talent, too. You ever see her paintings?"

Linda nodded.

"Use to pose for her," said Hilda. "She'd even make this old body look good. Really going to miss her. Don't know what Bryan's going to do."

"Yes, it's going to be hard," said Linda.

They talked some more and she got the name of the owner of the local diner, who would cater a luncheon after the funeral. "Amy's the waitress. Another friend of Judy. She probably heard the news, but if you talk with her, be gentle. She sorta idolized Judy. She was the free spirit that a young girl might imagine she'd like to be. Also, had a crush on Bryan. Judy knew and never let it bother her. Even got them both to pose for an Adam and Eve painting. Judy touched a lot of lives in this little backwater, Linda. Made some waves, but made a lot of friends."

Hilda excused herself to go start making calls.

Jeff was now talking with Bob. Linda went up to check in on Bryan. He was lying on top of the covers on their bed.

"Bryan, get undressed and under the covers. See if you can rest."

Bryan allowed Linda to help him sit and get his shirt and pants off. He fell back and she pulled the sheet over him.

"Can you stay a minute?" he asked her.

She nodded. Linda picked up his shirt and pants and went to put them on a chair. An envelope fell from the pants. She picked it up and saw the writing on the front. Her heart stopped. Judy did leave a note.

Torn as to what she should do, Linda finally placed the envelope back in Bryan's pants' pocket. She crawled in behind him, lying on top of the sheet, and put her arm around him. After a few seconds, he felt his chest heave and the tears came. She snuggled him close, kissed the back of his head, and comforted her old friend.

The others arrived the next day and settled into the old farmhouse. Over the years, they did little things to improve it, but it still felt like a farmhouse.

The funeral, burial and reception, which they held in the farmhouse, moved along. After the locals went home and Bryan's family headed back to the motel in the next town, the friends sat in the living room. The combined effects of emotions, grief, booze and fatigue set in. By midnight they were all swapping Judy stories and laughing at how crazy she could be and how much joy she brought to all of them.

Jeff broke down a couple times and wept. Finally, he passed out in the arm chair. Linda took off his shoes and draped a blanket over him. Soon, all of them climbed upstairs to their rooms. Bryan took Linda's hand.

"Could you stay with me tonight?" he asked. "I don't think I can stand to be alone in that bed. Just hold me like you did last night?"

"Sure, let me go get ready."

Linda changed into a light night gown and once more climbed in behind Bryan, this time under the covers. She was surprised to find him naked. She held him while he wept. At some point they drifted to sleep.

The next morning, Sasha cooked a big breakfast. Not long after they finished, they all packed up and left. It was a Wednesday, and they all need to get back to their lives.

Linda hugged Bryan. "Call any time," she said. "Just to talk, to cry, for any reason. We're here for you. Love you, Bryan."

He hugged her back. "Love you, too. Thanks for everything."

That night Bryan learned what it meant to be alone. Sleep was never the same and never offered the solace it used to. His mind swirled until it focused on the scratchy handwriting on the front of the envelope. He knew that someday he'd have to read it. Someday, but not today.

***

A gust of wind rattled the windows. Linda shivered and moved closer into Bryan's arms.

"Thanks for holding me," she said.

"Linda, I don't think I ever thanked you enough for all you did when Judy died. Those two nights you stayed with me...Well, I think they are the only two nights I've slept all the way through since I found her. You saved me. I was very close to joining Judy."

Linda pulled him tight to her.

"I can't imagine life without you," Linda said. She surprised herself at how close she was to tears.

"Well, I'm beyond thinking of following Judy. Of course, there's still a huge hole. She was such a bigger-than-life person. I'm pretty sure she loved me, in spite of..., well, her having to meet her needs."

"She told me all the time how much she loved you, Bryan. There was never a question about that."

"Maybe I could have done more...done more to meet her needs. She tried to tell me it was ok, but I know she sought ways to deal with what was her own demon."

They held each other. After listening to the wind and rain pelt the roof, Linda turned to look up at his face.

"What was in the note, Bryan?"

He continued to stare into the storm. Taking a deep breath, he dropped his head. She moved her face to his and they kissed.

"You know I love you," he said.

"And, I you," she said.

"I should have tried harder to keep you," he said. "I was young and didn't know how when a door closes, it sometimes stays closed. At least, I knew that Jeff would love you too."

Linda stiffened. "That was a long time ago, Bryan. Like you, I never knew that what you were looking for was often right in front of you. I was young and wanted to 'experience life.' Sounds so juvenile now."

Bryan touched her cheek and kissed her forehead.

"I've never talked to anyone about the note. I've never even acknowledged it existed."

"You don't have to," Linda said.

"No, I think I do. I didn't open it until all you had left after the funeral. Actually it was a month to the day after Judy died. Sitting in my loft, I placed it on my desk and looked at it for days. I can't say what finally moved me, but I pried open the seal. Judy wrote it out longhand. Her thin and scratchy handwriting brought back floods of memories.

"She began by telling me how she loved me and that I was her only anchor to reality. She said that I should know that I was the only one she loved even though she wrote, 'in spite of my travels outside of what marriage demands.' I remember how that simple phrase pierced me. I knew, Linda, that she had her adventures. I suspected with both men and women. She always came back to me and I could feel her sincere love.

"She went on to tell me that she couldn't take it anymore. She wrote about lines that were crossed and could not be uncrossed. Finally, she said that she already did enough damage to the 'gang' and just couldn't deal with the guilt."

Linda didn't know what to say. She just held on to Bryan.

"So, do you know what she was talking about?" Bryan asked.

Linda said, "Yes."

Bryan took a deep breath. The moment he hoped and prayed would never come, now was here. Did he want to know? Or, did he want to let the dead rest in peace and the living go on living.

"I think I want to know," said Bryan.

"Are you sure? As Judy said there are some lines that once crossed can't be uncrossed. Once you hear what I say, you can't unhear it. But, Bryan, I will be honest with you."

"Tell me, Linda."

***

(Two years ago)

Judy called Linda when Bryan was researching his Miners book, the third one after his two best sellers. He was on the road in Pennsylvania and West Virginia touring old mines, interviewing miners and getting a feel for life in coal towns.

Judy said she was going crazy with nothing to do and no one to do anything with. Linda invited her to come for a visit. Judy arrived the next day. She was keyed up and wanted to go out partying that night. Even though the kids were out of college and on their own, Linda and Jeff tended to stick close to home. That night, they went for dinner and then to a club. Linda and Jeff were not big club people, but Judy was enjoying herself. She made them dance with her and she danced with others she met.

Toward the end of the evening, Judy dragged Linda out on the dance floor. Judy was letting it fly. She was dancing close to Linda and acted like the younger girls by grinding a little bit into Linda's rear. Linda laughed and pushed back against her friend. Judy ran her hands up and down Linda's sides, her fingers lightly grazing the sides of her breasts. Linda thought it was silly and didn't say anything. As the music's beat intensified, Judy pulled Linda tight to her and slid her hands around to her friend's stomach. Together they swayed to the music, their butts moving in a synchronized rhythm.

Maybe it was the multiple chocolate martinis, the music or the fact that Jeff and she never got out like this, but Linda was grooving on being so intimately close to another woman. Judy's hands dipped below Linda's beltline and settled on her thighs. Shocked to feel the wetness between her own legs, Linda pushed her butt harder into Judy's crotch. Judy leaned into her and Linda felt her friend's hard nipples pushing into her back. Judy's breasts felt as there was no bra underneath the dark tee shirt she wore. As the song reached its crescendo, Judy's hand slid over Linda's sex, lingered for a second and then both hands traveled up her body, cupping her boobs as the song ended. Linda felt like she was on the verge of an orgasm as her friend pinched her nipples. She pushed herself away from Judy and tried to regain her senses.

Judy caught her by the shoulders and spun her around. She grinned at a confused Linda and kissed her on the lips. The kiss was soft and hot. Linda wanted to pull her face away, but lacked the willpower to do so. When she felt Judy's tongue part her lips, Linda opened her eyes and stepped back.

"We need to get back to the table," she said.

"Sure," said Judy. "Thanks for the dance. That was yummy."

When they arrived at the table, Jeff looked at both women. "I thought you were going to fuck each other on the dance floor," he said. His voice was husky and his face mottled.

"That's silly," said Linda.

"Yeah," added Judy. "We should wait until we get home for that."

Jeff and Linda looked at each other. Linda chalked her friend's comments up to having too much to drink. They decided to call it a night and soon were driving back to their house.

"How about a nightcap," offered Jeff.

Linda felt they all had enough to drink, but didn't want to be the wet blanket. She asked if Prosecco would do. With everyone in agreement, she pulled a bottle from the fridge and grabbed three flutes. Jeff popped the cork and filled the flutes.

"To a fun night and great friends," he said.

They touched rims and sipped the golden bubbles.

Judy raised her glass. "To a fun night, great friends and a really hot dance."

Laughing they raised their flutes and drained the rest of their drinks. Jeff refilled the glasses.

"I'll say that was hot. Jesus, what got into you two?"

"Aw, we were just having fun," said Judy. "Besides, Linda is so freaking sexy, it's hard not to have some fun."

"You grabbed my boobs," said Linda.

"Well, at least you have something to grab," she said. "Not like these." To prove her point she lifted her shirt exposing her naked breasts. Linda stared at the small mounds and the dark, hard nipples.

"Well, they may be small, but they look great to me," said Jeff.

Judy laughed and pulled her shirt completely off. "But, isn't the real test about how they feel? I mean Linda's feel fabulous. They fill your hand."

Judy reached and again cupped her friend's breasts. "Now, these are tits. Why don't we let the girls out to play?"

Judy began unbuttoning Linda's blouse. "Oh, I don't think we should..."

"Go on, honey. It's sexy," said Jeff. He stared at Judy's naked chest.

Judy had the buttons undone and slipped the blouse over her shoulders so that it fell down her arms. Linda's sense of propriety was screaming for her to stop this before things went further. Her libido countermanded that feeling.

"Nice bra," Judy said, as she traced the lacy trim on the green satin. Her fingers again flitted across Linda's nipples.

"Jeff, unhook her," Judy said.

Linda glanced over her shoulder to her husband sitting behind her. His look of lust shocked her. She hadn't seen him like that in ages.

She felt Jeff's fingers work at the hooks and then the pressure eased. Judy took her straps and pulled the bra free. She tossed it behind her. Without shame, Judy stared at Linda's breasts.

"God, they are so beautiful. I just have to touch them."

"No, Judy, we shouldn't..." Her words stopped when Judy took a breast in each hand and gently squeezed. Linda took in a sharp breath as for the first time in her life a woman sensuously touched her naked body. As Judy toyed with her hard nipples, Linda rubbed her thighs together to heighten the sensations she was experiencing between her legs.

"See, Jeff, compared to Linda, I've got nothing. You can really feel the difference. Here see for yourself."

Judy took Jeff's hand and placed it on her breast. She took his other hand and placed it on his wife. With her hand still fondling Linda, Judy leaned into Jeff's palm.

"Now, don't you prefer Linda's over mine?"