A Clear View Ch. 03

They washed each other under the vibrating shower. Judy spent a long time cleaning Linda's butt and inserting her soapy fingers deep inside.

"I don't think he came inside you," Judy said. "But, just to be sure..." Judy slipped her finger into Linda's anus. "God, you have a beautiful ass and it's so fucking tight. I could play with it all day."

Linda squirmed, but acknowledged to herself that this dirty penetration felt so good. When Judy pushed two fingers inside her pussy, she came again, although it was a small orgasm.

The rest of the weekend was spent in bed or other locations, but the common denominator was sex. They had a couple threesomes with Jeff. He serial fucked Judy and Linda until they all came. Judy made love to Linda multiple times and Linda reciprocated.

As Judy was packing to leave Sunday night, she said to Jeff and Linda. "I know we talked about this before, but this has to stay among the three of us. It was a fantastic weekend and I will relive these moments again and again. But, Bryan must never know. Do we agree?"

Jeff and Linda said yes.

***

Bryan and Linda looked out on the rain.

"Jeff, I'm so sorry. We never meant to hurt you. The whole thing was not planned and..."

"I think it was, Linda."

"What?"

"I think it was planned."

Linda sat straight and faced him. "Bryan, I swear I had no idea when Judy came over that weekend that anything like that would happen. Honest to God."

"Oh, I believe you, Linda. You were as much in the dark as I was. What I meant is that I think Judy and Jeff planned it."

Linda felt a chill race through her body. "This couldn't be possible," she thought. As her mind replayed the events of that weekend, she began to see them in another light. Jeff was so easy to get into everything. So willing to go along. Could it be that he and Judy had planned it?

"How come you're so sure?" Linda asked Bryan.

"I know Judy. She was wild, but would not take chances with another couple unless she knew that one of them, at least, would be open. I guess she and Jeff talked about it and then decided to try to get you involved. Judy knew that you would never just go to bed with her or let her fuck Jeff. It had to seem like it was the three of you together making the decisions. She was really good at manipulation."

"God, I was such a fool. And, now the rest makes sense."

"The rest?" Bryan asked.

"I wasn't going to tell you this part, but it didn't stop with that one weekend, well not for Jeff. It took me a while to figure it out, but he and Judy began an affair. He would claim to be out of town on business, but I think he and Judy would be meeting. Coming home late at night and smelling like he had a recent shower. Hanging up on a cell call when I walked into the room. Changing his password on the computer. Setting up a new email account. All sorts of shit. I finally confronted him and he confessed. He fell in love with her. He was begging her to leave you and they would go off together."

Bryan was silent, but his mind was finally fitting in the last pieces of the puzzle.

"This is not the answer I was hoping to find, but I am not surprised. It makes sense of the note."

Linda crawled into his lap. "Can you bear to hold me after everything I've done?"

Bryan kissed her forehead and wrapped her in his arms. The embrace was stiffer than just a few moments ago. Linda feared she had ripped apart the bond they had shared for years.

"Judy wrote she had done something that I would never forgive. Something that was too much, even for her. She wrote that she knew she had hurt me through the years. All I asked of her was to be there in the end. If she needed something outside, I just wanted her to come home after. Maybe I was weak, but I didn't want to lose her. Judy said that she couldn't live with herself, couldn't bear to hurt me and couldn't bear to hurt 'the other one'. The only way I could put all this together was to think that it had to be one of my friends and that she had fallen in love. The funny thing was that because Judy was Judy, I never knew if it were a man or a woman. I was so afraid it was Jeff. She knew that would hurt the most and so, she spared me that hurt. Funny, it really didn't spare me any hurt."

Linda felt the tear drop on her cheek as it ran from his face.

"I could have lived with what you told me happened on that weekend. As hurtful as it was, I think I could have lived with it. If only she told me, we could have worked it out. I think I could have recovered from her falling in love with Jeff. But now all I have is the emptiness."

"What are you going to do," Linda asked.

"I don't know. What should I do? Beat up Jeff? Hate him? Never talk to you again? What would all that accomplish? I think he probably hates himself enough for both of us. I can forgive him, but I can't be his friend. I guess this will be the last Cape weekend for me."

"You could make love to me."

Bryan snorted. "What a revenge fuck? Not what I'm looking for."

"Not what I meant, Bryan. I said make love, not fuck. I love you."

"Linda, right now I'm not sure how I feel about you. You're so much a part of my life that I can't imagine living without you. But, I am not going to get between you and Jeff. What he did is his business. It doesn't justify me doing the same. Plus, I'm still trying to get my head around that you and Judy were lovers behind my back. And, I think you and Jeff still have things to work out."

"We divorcing," Linda said in a soft voice.

"Don't make a rash decision," Bryan said.

"It's not rash. We've been talking about it for a year. We already filed the papers. This weekend was our last hurrah. Jeff and I were going to tell the gang before we all left."

"I have no idea what to say," said Bryan as he shook his head.

"Don't have to say anything. It really doesn't concern you. The divorce, I mean. The only thing I would like to know is if you love me."

"I've always loved you, Linda. You know that."

"Yes, I do know that. But, do you think you could be in love with me?"

Bryan stared into her eyes for a long time.

Taking a deep breath, he said, "I've also always been in love with you. But, I don't know if I can do anything about it now. There is so much to sort out. As much as Jeff hurt me, I think I ache more from your involvement. I know you never planned for that encounter, but in the end you went along. I should hate you, but I'm not capable of that. I know how seductive and convincing Judy could be. Still, all you had was to say no, and really mean it. Judy would have stopped."

Linda could not hold back her tears. For a couple years she had internalized that weekend with Judy and rationalized it. Now, having openly discussed it, she saw how much hurt she brought to Bryan. Looking back in cold reflection, Linda admitted she acted like a tramp and had no regard for Bryan.

"I know I don't deserve anything from you. But, I am sorry to my core. I feel that I played a role in Judy's decision to take her life. I can now see that you and I can never be together. That pain will stay with me for the rest of my life."

Bryan wanted to agree with her; to make her pay for what she did. Looking at her blotched face, he knew she is paying a price. Still, he could not make a promise to her.

"Linda, I said I'm sorting things out. That's the best I can say at this second."

"I can wait for sorting," Linda said and moved up to kiss him. "As long as you don't say there is no chance that we could ever be together."

"I'm not saying that. At least I don't think I am. But, I am really fucked up. This is going to take time."

"Good, then we wait. You like to think things out. You're a planner, always knowing what the next step will be."

"I'm beginning to doubt that," Bryan said.

"Why?"

"Sasha."

"Oh, yeah, I see that wasn't planned."

"God, what am I supposed to do?"

"Want a hint?" she said with some of the playfulness returning to her voice.

"Any help is appreciated."

"She wants to fuck you so bad that it's about all she can talk about."

"You're not serious?"

"Dead serious. And, I think you should."

"Really! Why?"

"She needs to feel like a woman again. She loves Mark and will never leave him, but she's let herself become a shadow of what she was. In spite of being a nurse and understanding that there are lots of reasons for Mark's impotence, she blames herself. She feels she is no longer pretty, sexy or attractive. She's always liked and admired you. She respects you. If you find her beautiful and you want to go to bed with her, well, that will do wonders for her ego. I think it will be the best thing for their marriage."

"Fucking me will be good for their marriage?"

"Yep."

"Linda, this is the most screwed-up week I've ever experienced."

"Can't argue that point."

"So, if I were to sleep with Sasha, where does that leave us?"

"Who the fuck knows?" she laughed. "But, I would not think it would alter what I hope we can move toward."

Bryan thought about all they just said.

"Linda, I want to ask you something, but if you don't want to answer, it's ok."

She smiled.

"You said that Judy was the first woman you were with. Have there been others?"

Linda took a deep breath, paused and nodded. "We have a 'tennis group'. Only we don't play all that much tennis. We do play some other games. All four of us are married and are just looking for some good sex without worrying about diseases. Also, all of us were in the same boat. Husbands who lost interest in fucking us. So, we took matters into our own hands, literally. I look on it as a diversion. It's not like I want to just make love to women."

"Do you want to make love to Sasha?"

Linda's mouth opened, but no sound came out. Finally she could speak, "Why would you say that?"

"Because of what you did to Sasha down in my room. How you talk about how sexy and beautiful she is. Because you love her."

Linda shook her head. "Bryan, I wasn't...I mean I didn't think about...I...Shit, I don't know. On one level, yes I would. For all the reasons you stated. On another level, I think no because Sasha would never want to do it. It's not in the deal or understanding she has with Mark."

"Did you want to make love to a woman before Judy?"

"No. I honestly never considered it."

"Maybe Sasha's the same."

"Why are you pursuing this?"

"I know this will sound crazy, but I've now had this crazy idea. You know I was planning to stay a couple more weeks to work on my outline. Well, Bob told me that he and Carol are going back to Boston on Friday. I can have the place as long as I want. I thought Sasha might want to hang around a couple more days."

"And you two fuck your brains out?"

"The idea has some appeal. Mark practically came out and asked me to do it. And, you just confirmed that Sasha is open to the idea. It would be a lot easier if he weren't in the same house."

Linda smiled in recognition of the soundness of the plan.

"So, what does that have to do with all that about Sasha and me?"

"It's a big house. Maybe, you'd like to stay, too."

"And..."

"And, I think she will feel more comfortable if you are here."

"That's the only reason?" Linda asked. "Or, are you thinking that maybe the three of us could..."

"No, Linda, that's not going to happen."

"So, you want me here for what? So you can fuck Sasha and show me that you're a man?"

Her anger was building as she spoke.

"Want to make me pay for what I did with Judy by making me witness how you love another woman?"

"Want to humiliate me? Want to show me that I am just a whore, who's not worthy of you?"

Bryan let her go on. Finally, she ran out of steam and sat back.

"The reason is I think it will be easier on you to stay than to go home with Jeff. I'm not implying that you have to do or see anything regarding Sasha and me. I do know that we will not be fucking every second of the fucking day. I thought that you and Sasha could support each other. That's all."

"I need to think about this, Bryan."

"Of course, take your time. But, you need to know I'm still going to talk to Jeff when he gets back."

"You mean confront him?"

"I don't see it as a confrontation. I'm going to tell him that I know about him and Judy."

"But, he'll know I told you."

"Yes. Somehow I think he's expecting this, especially since he didn't put up a fight about you staying here with me. I also think he wants to stop carrying this secret. But, I'm not going to talk to him because he feels guilty and needs forgiveness."

"Why then?" asked Judy.

Bryan didn't answer right away. He weighed what he needed against what Linda needed. He didn't want to hurt her or put her in an awkward position, though they both had put him in an awkward position.

"Linda, I need to get this out of the way. I think that if I can understand what Judy was thinking, I might be able to accept her decision, or at least to recognize my role in her decision. The only way I can do that is to expose the last part of it. To do so, I need to face Jeff. He needs to tell the truth."

"What does he need to say?" Linda said. "I've told you everything."

"Did he tell you that he and Judy were lovers long before that weekend?"

Linda sat up. Shaking her head, she stared into Bryan's eyes.

"No, that's not how it happened. I agree that maybe they talked about it in order to get me to go along, but I don't think they were together before then. Why do you even say that?"

"Because I know Judy. She would never take such a step with the two of you if she thought there was a chance it would explode in her face. She had to be sure that Jeff would not back out. They were lovers, I'm sure of it."

Linda shook her head in disbelief. It was bad enough to think that Jeff and Judy kept the affair going after that weekend, but to think she had been played for a fool by both of them was too much.

"I can't believe it," she said, more to convince herself than to refute Bryan.

"Let me ask about something you told me when the three of you were together."

Linda turned on the couch and brought her knees up and wrapped her arms around them. Resting her head on top of her knees she looked at Bryan through eyes brimming with tears.

"When they did anal, you said that Judy pulled her legs up."

Linda gave the slightest nod. She recalled how open and exposed Judy looked.

"Then Jeff, after fucking her pussy, might I add, went right into her."

Again, a nod.

"Think about that, Linda. Did that look like two people having anal intercourse for the first time?"

Linda replayed the scene in her mind. The two bodies moved in synch. Judy knew what to expect and Jeff was confident about what he was doing and what she wanted. Bryan was right. They had done that before.

"I am such a fool—a blind and stupid fool," she said and the tears began.

Bryan let her cry. She needed this release. It was the final step to accept the deceit she'd experienced. He stroked her foot. When she cried herself dry, he took her hand.

"Linda, when two people conspire to deceive, it's hard to see through it. When those two people are ones you love and trust, the deceit usually works. You were no more stupid or blind than I was. They cheated. It's as simple as that. Remember cheating means you don't follow the rules. Cheating means you break trusts."

"Ok, Bryan, now I understand why you need to talk with Jeff. And, I am totally all right if you tell him I told you everything. I want us to be honest with each other."

Bryan pulled her over and she fell into his lap.

"Me, too, Linda. So, will you stay? I want you to be here. Yes, for Sasha, but also for me. If I push you away now, I am sure it will be the end. But, please understand that I can't promise you I will ever be ready to let you back in so deep in my life. Let's think about this being a start. What the finish is, I have no clue. But, stay."

Linda buried her face in his chest. His words resounded in her ears and her heart raced with excitement and fear about what lies ahead.

***

The gang on Martha's Vineyard stayed the second night. They made it back to the house by early afternoon.

Bryan had just returned from the historical society. Jeff was pulling his bag out of the trunk.

"How about a walk?" Bryan said.

Jeff looked at him. He was expecting something like this.

"Let me put this in the house and tell Linda."

Bryan waited at the end of the drive. Five minutes later Jeff came out and they headed toward the bay. Bryan asked about the visit to the Vineyard and Jeff provided some details. They had reached the top of the steep steps that took them to the bay beach. Bryan took the lead. At the bottom they left their sandals by the stairs and walked toward the gentle waves.

"I don't think you asked me to walk to hear about the last couple days," said Jeff.

Bryan appreciated that they both knew what was to come. "No, we need to talk about something else."

Jeff took in a deep breath. "She told you."

Bryan skipped a rock across the surface. "Let's walk."

They walked along the edge, heading south.

"Confirmed what I suspected," Bryan said.

"Bryan, I'm sorry. I am so sorry. I don't know how..."

"Don't, Jeff. Don't make excuses. It's done. It's over. Judy is dead. 'Why' is hardly the point."

"So, what do you want to talk about then?" Jeff asked.

"I forgive you, Jeff. You need to know that. I don't blame you for Judy's suicide, but I know that your affair affected her. She was a complex person and fought many demons. I think you knew that, too. I'm not going to ask who started it or how it began. The thing is, Jeff, you let it happen. You could have stopped it, but you didn't. Saying no would have solved everything. You had my love and Linda's, but you put those aside."

"I fell in love with her, Bryan."

"Fuck you, Jeff. You fucked her and then you loved her. If you never fucked her, you wouldn't have fallen in love. So, don't tell me that it was some romantic, ill-fated love affair. You two went to bed and you wanted more. You didn't let our love and friendship get in the way. You disregarded the love Linda had for you. You put aside what this would do to your kids. And, Jeff, you never considered what it would do to Judy. She may have seemed like a wild and free creature, but she was fragile. You knew that. We had talked about that. Yet, you went ahead and fucked her. And, that started a chain reaction that turned disastrous for all of us."

"I never meant..."

"Christ, Jeff, when something horrible happens that's all we hear. 'I never meant.' Of course you never meant to hurt all these people. Of course you never meant for Judy to kill herself. You never meant anything. But what you really mean is you never meant to get found out. Well, most times people do find out."

"I'm so sorry. I..."

"Jeff, I know you're sorry. But, sorry does not change anything. You were the closest person to me in this world. Sometimes I used to think you were even closer to me than Judy. You threw that aside. So, be as sorry as you want, but it's over. I do not want to hear from you after this week. I believe you have torn apart what all of us tried to hold together for over thirty years. I doubt if any of us will be the same. This is our last week, Jeff. So, go home and be sorry. Linda told me about the divorce, so you can be sorry about that, too."

They stopped walking. Bryan looked at his former friend. Jeff cried silently.

"The ironic part is that I would have forgiven Judy, even if I knew you were the one. I probably would have even forgiven you. But, I think you convinced Judy not to tell me. In the end, I think that's what drove her over the edge. She couldn't continue to hurt me because she knew how much I loved you. So, Jeff, go back. I'm going to stay here for a while. I recommend you tell the gang about the divorce. I also recommend you leave after you do so. Yes, I forgive you because I can't live the rest of my life carrying that burden. I also know that you will have to come to grips with everything that happened. You will not have me to be your whipping boy who is punishing you. I forgive. I wonder if you can forgive yourself?"