tagNon-EroticA Cliched Valentine's Massacre

A Cliched Valentine's Massacre


Nothing was going to compare to the amazing valentine's I had last year. I don't care what anyone says, hand painted cards are the way to go....especially when they mean as much as last years did.

But that was last year, and this year I was all set up for a tragically normal tuesday. I was all prepared to ignore this holiday for the happily (and sometimes sickeningly) coupled.

But apparently Valentine's Day is not a day to be forgotten, and so it decided to pretty much dance infront of me, singing Monty Python's Theme Tune, and wearing.....very little. I shall start from the beginning.

So there I was, having the most wonderful lie in on a monday morning, practising my perfected art of preventing monday morning blues, by turning them into tuesday morning blues (ie, mondays equal lie ins, tuesday equal start of the weeks work...or rather the three days of it) when I got rudely awoken.

Don't get me wrong, it was about half eleven, and lazy old me should have been getting up, but there was this dream I was having....but that's not what this is about.

In my half arsed state I rolled over and looked at my phone, that was buzzing in a fairly irritating way next to my ear.

"You have one text message." It happily vibrated....far too chirpy for that time of the....well nearly afternoon.

"Hey, could you send me your address please?"

Now on a normal monday this text would send me into panic...what's so important it can't be emailed, why write to me, when you can call etc...and then I realised. Tuesday was Valentine's day. So this could only mean one thing...someone wanted my address to send me a card!!

The sad being that I am meant that I lept out of bed at such a rate, I almost left my PJs behind me. At this point you're asking me, 'why are you so excited? it's lost any magic it had because now you know who the text is from....surely?' Well no...and you see here is why I am so lazy...

I got a new phone at christmas. And the woman setting my phone up in the shop was useless. So it meant that all my numbers have to be transferred manually...only I sort of ran out of time - didn't get round to it - just in total couldn't be arsed...and so, I have very few numbers on my phone.

So anyone that hasn't text me in about a month and a half isn't on my new phone...yet.

So this text was from someone from a while ago. And I knew it wasn't someone who annoyed me too much, as they bug me by text far to frequently for me not to have stored their numbers.

So I was fairly over the moon. And to be honest, not too keen on finding out who it was from, as I like a bit of magic....(only a very, very small bit).

So bouncing around the house, my sister's and I set about making the house tidy for my grandparents. I knew I was in for a bit of stick from my grandad, as I recently noticed he had found a new way to make digs at me.

When I passed my driving test, not too long ago, I got a card from the lovely dear. The usual congratulations, and then in small print 'make sure you keep your eyes on the road and not on your boyfriends...'

And yet, mother's parents know I've been single since October....I knew I was in for a rough week.

Grandparent's arrive, everything goes well. Then dinner in the evening. "So," they question my youngest sister, "Have you got a boyfriend?"

Actually she hasn't, but she's darn closer to it that I am, on the basis that she likes him, he likes her, its just neither has any guts at the moment. This keeps Nanny and Grandad (N&G) happy.

"How about you?" They ask my 16 year old sister. She's been half in/not really in a relationship with a 'Sweet and lovely' lad for a while. So N&G are all smiles.

And then it's my turn. "I'm happy." I replied, smiling sweetly.

"You're lonely." N&G retort.

"You won't get any cards...." And a smug smile turned the corners of my mouth up, and they - for once - decided to let it slide.

Tuesday morning arrives, and I'm off to work. Only, it's not too bad, as I recon I can get through the day because I could have a card waiting for me. But while I'm at work, my curiousity gets the better of me.

I start checking my phone, sure that I've had a message from this number before. And I have. And it relates to hockey. Alarm bells start to ring.....My 16 year old sister's 'sweet and lovely' friend is a player in our mixed team.

And sure enough, it's his number.

Realisation is fairly slow to dawn I must say. 'Sweet and Lovely', was not after MY address....Sweet and Lovely was after my SISTER'S address.


I trudge home finally, to find that, yes 'Sweet and Lovely' has sent my sister a valentine's card, and no, there's nothing waiting for me. So I settle myself down with a few magazines and start cutting out some lush lads to put on my wall to help me smile first thing in the morning.

N&G seem to thrilled to be loaded with enough ammo for the next 17 visits, and are so lovely....

"Never mind...it was never going to beat last year.....why don't you give your ex a ring, does he have a new gf?"

I breathe in, I have to find a way to shut them up.....or else this really will turn into a cliched valentine's day massacre..... and then grandad delivers what he believes to be a killer blow...

"I never thought I'd see the day when my grandaughters love life would resort to paper cut outs of unattractive wimps from magazines..."

"Oh grandad" I reply, an evil glint finally appearing in my eye as I decide to play the one card that I KNOW could shock them into silence.

"You're looking at the wrong side....of course I'm not cutting out pictures of Adam brody......I'm after the picture of Jordan on the back..."

N&G stare at me, a look of horror on their face. "In fact," I mutter, making sure I'm just audiable, "I wonder when I can start bidding on her implants on ebay......"

Valentine's Day the clear winner, but leaving these scores at N&G 0 Moi 1

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