A Conversion

Saul was obliged to raise his voice by the end of his speech, because there was commotion in the room next to theirs. Felicia felt relief, and Saul showed no signs of being put off. Felicia had to wonder, however, why the desk-clerk had given these new arrivals a room directly adjoining hers and Saul's. There were only two other cars in the parking lot when they had arrived, and this new party would mean only four rooms out of the twenty available were now occupied -or rather three, since one of the vehicles out front probably belonged to the clerk at the desk - so why in the world put two parties in such close proximity, particularly when everyone knew what most people came to such a rundown place for? It made no sense.

A baby was crying loudly, and Felicia heard a man and woman talking calmly. Suddenly she saw Saul's face burst with red and his eyes drop to his pocket Bible, which he now bent and bent and fidgeted with quite distractedly. At first Felicia was confused, and then she realized what had happened. The crying of the baby had caused her breasts to vent a small amount of their milk. She was currently still nursing her son, Onario, who was a week shy of six months old. The leaked milk showed through her top in small, dark circles. Embarassed, more for Saul than herself, Felicia stood up and crossed her arms. She apologized to him:

"I am so sorry. It... it happens sometimes, you know, when I hear a baby crying. It's normal. I'm nursing and....I'm sorry..."

"Oh, not at all." the man said, but could not bring his eyes to look at Felicia. He stared at his miniature Bible, rubbed the embossed letters on its faux-leather cover, fanned its gold-edged pages. In a few moments the crying next door had subdued, and the man and woman were still conversing in soft tones. Felicia appreciated how their voices had not risen while the infant was doing its innocent bellowing. She felt a sense of calm coming from the strangers in the room one door down, and she had never felt such a strong desire to hold her own baby. She didn't want Saul's money, she decided. Even though his hour was not up, Saul reluctantly agreed to end their assignation. He had collected himself somewhat and tried to talk Felicia into accepting the money, even though she had flatly refused on the grounds that she had broken their agreement.

"Don't think of it as payment for services rendered, because you didn't render any." He said to her, "Think of it as a gift. Please. Take it for you and your baby. I don't need it."

"I don't want your charity." Felicia said. "And that's what it would be, not because, like you said, I didn't render services, but because I broke our agreement. I didn't give you your hour. Listen, all I want to do is go home. Please. I...I appreciate the gesture, really."

"Felicia." he said, blocking her way to the door, but not menacingly. He stopped in front of her and when she stopped walking, he stepped backwards, hands up, almost defensively, "Felicia, one more moment, please. Please, tell me that you will think of all that we've talked about today. That you will put aside your doubts, your prejudices, your...."

"Sir...."

"It's Saul."

"Saul. Okay. Saul, I appreciate what you're trying to do, I really do, but this isn't the way to do it. It isn't." She remembered her bag at the last second, retrieved it from the recliner, and went again towards the door; and once again Saul barred her way, but not aggressively. He stepped in front of her the way someone might step in front of a speeding train.

"I know it seems like a terrible imposition. I know." Saul said, and shook his head, as if trying desperately to keep from looking where he knew he ought not. For a moment he seemed about ready to explode. He clenched his hands around his little Bible, his knuckles going to white. Felicia's heart slammed in her chest, and her hand went to her bag, reached inside it. But finally Saul's body slackened. He seemed to regain composure for a moment, and turned to open the door of their room. It swung open slowly, a soft wind pushing it. It creaked loudly, which was fitting for such a ramshackle establishment. Once again he put his back to the door and his hands went up, looking harmless again, harmless and frustrated, like a ten year old boy who had just been cut from the school basketball team.

"If only I could make you understand." he said, sounding truly pitiful. "I have to do this, Felicia. I'm not just some crackpot. It's my calling. I cannot refuse. May I get...."

"Excuse me, I'm sorry to interrupt." Said a voice behind him. Felicia looked past Saul's shoulder and smiled brightly, then breezed past him to greet the woman who now stood in the doorway.

"Hi, it's okay, we were just leaving, actually. Can I help you with something?"

Saul turned around, looking simultaneously hateful and ashamed. He lifted his eyes to see the woman in the doorway, holding a baby in her arms. The baby was cooing and looking at Felicia, who babbled in return and was also making small talk with the baby's mother, a pale and slender woman with long black hair and large, intelligent eyes. The woman had first explained that the phone in her and her husband's room wasn't working and that she was on her way to the manager's office when she noticed that Felicia and Saul's door was open. Then she and Felicia had begun commiserating about babies and motherhood. There was a pure and joyous energy all around the three. The women were laughing and smiling and beautiful, like subjects in a Renaissance painting. Felicia looked at Saul and it seemed to her that he looked lost, utterly out of place, impotent.

The little baby turned to Saul and fixed him with its tiny, penetrative eyes. Felicia spoke to Saul, but he didn't seem to hear her. "Awwww, he's looking at you. Come say Hi to him. Oh, come on, don't be shy.... Saul.... come say Hi to the baby..."

But Saul looked as if he could scarcely move. He tried to speak. His mouth opened and closed, but he couldn't say a word, or even make a sound. Felicia felt sure that something was wrong. Saul was pale and soaked with sweat, his tall, gaunt frame was trembling. Felicia went and anxiously stood before him, passing her hand in front of his eyes. She took Saul by the hands, and his little Bible fell to the floor with a soft thump. He was visibly shaken, even further, by her touch. Saul managed to take his eyes away from the baby's eyes, forcibly, with an effort that finally exhausted him and made him fall to his knees. He blinked, and tears rolled freely down his cheeks, bellied over and over again in his eyes, blinding him, falling audibly to the soiled carpet. He crumpled further down and finally clung like a baby himself to Felicia's feet, mumbling almost incoherently:

"I'm so sorry....Oh, my Lord....I'm so sorry...."