A Creative Challenge Ch. 32

I thought I should say something else, but I had no idea what. I felt like I was falling quietly out of a high window somewhere.

"You taught me how to love him, Sam. I didn't know it, but I was learning about loving him all the time I was with you. He's like you in so many ways but he's...more. He's everything I want and need."

"What does that make me, then?" I said, fearing that I wouldn't be able to cope with her answer.

"The precursor. The prototype. My mentor, my role model, my guide, my lover. You taught me how to be loved. I never was before. You showed me how to love someone without conditions, by loving me like that and letting me become who I am, and I'll always be grateful for that. I just hope Mike can learn to love me as much as you do."

Her edges looked wobbly, and her features melted and swirled into each other as she spoke these words, echoing in my ears like a thousand doors slamming behind me.

This was the end I had always feared and always known would come. The final blow from the dangling sword of Damocles I had been living with. But instead of being a fatal severing, it brought me a sense of relief and joy mixed with the grief from loss.

She reached up with both her hands and with her thumbs wiped the tears off my cheekbones, then held my face and looked at me carefully, with puzzled concern. She had been as gentle as she could in breaking her news to me, but she wasn't expecting me to be smiling as well as crying.

Why would she? She had never been a parent. How could she know that to a father, the only thing more important than his own happiness is the happiness of his children?

She leaned forward and kissed me.

I gratefully closed my eyes to concentrate on the touch of my son's lover's lips for the last time.

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I kept everything we'd done together that wasn't already sold. Greta has just about given up nagging me to have another exhibition. She must be getting the message. I think about doing a show sometimes, but I can't really see much point any more.

I still draw twice a week, but more out of habit and for the technical challenge than out of any artistic ambition. Mike's second book of photographs is about to be published, and you may have seen the first series of his documentaries recently on cable, on one of the Arts channels. I visited them just after my grandson was born, but only for a few days, they were very busy. My grandson.

Emma is the model I choose to draw most often right now. She used to be a gymnast and is very flexible and strong. She is good to work with and she has a very relaxed attitude.

Her folks are moving away from here and college doesn't start again for a few weeks yet, so she has to find somewhere to live until then. She asked me if I knew of anywhere she could stay.

Sorry, I said. I don't. No.