A Day Early Ch. 02

*****

John arrived shortly after I hung up with Sophie. He had his wife Lauren with him. I let them in and we all went into the kitchen.

"OK, Julie. Start at the beginning and tell us everything. No lies, no cover up. Just the truth. We are here to help, not to judge." Lauren held my hands in hers and I could tell she was almost in tears. John also had tears in his eyes.

"God, this is hard, but here goes. I have been having an affair with Richard Means. It started about 6 weeks ago and we have seen each other 4 times. Tonight was the last. John, we lied to you when we said we were meeting with clients. We really went to the Holiday Inn to got a room. Richard didn't force me. I went willingly." I had to stop for a minute as my throat closed up with emotion. I took a deep breath and continued.

"Tom was supposed to fly in tomorrow afternoon, so when he came home a day early, he found me in bed with Richard and Richard was fucking me. I'm sorry Lauren, but what I was doing was crude, so crude words are only fitting."

"I can't begin to imagine what I was doing or why. It was almost like waking up from a long sleep to see myself doing those things. I actually recall wondering what Tom was so angry about. The whole thing came as a shock to me and, after Tom walked out on me, I sat here all night and never moved. I finally got up and went into the bathroom and when I saw myself in the mirror, makeup and all, I went into shock and woke up on the floor this evening. That's when I realized what I had done. That's when it all came crashing down around me."

"After I cleaned myself up and dressed, I called you. I only wanted to tell you I was sorry for not coming in to work, but when I heard your voice, guilt and remorse hit me again. That's when I lost it and here you are."

I actually felt better than I had in months after telling John and Lauren my story. It was a relief to have someone else know what I had done. Lauren just held me as I cried until I finally got myself under control.

"John, can you have Marvin Catsman see Julie as soon as possible? She needs help and I believe he is the one she needs. Julie, it is clear that you have had a traumatic experience and even a nervous collapse. Marvin can help you and, at least, give you something to help you get through the next couple of weeks. That will be the worst time." Lauren was right to the point.

"Consider it done. I'll call him right now." He looked at me and asked, "What are you going to do now?" Are you going to stay here?"

"I have already called my Aunt Sophie and she said I could stay with her as long as I wanted. I want Tom and Rachael to move back in here. Rachael needs the stability of her own bed and surroundings. It's best for her. They should not have to pay for what I did." With this, I began to cry. Lauren came to me and again held me as I sobbed.

"I think you have already begun the healing. You know what you did and you are putting your family ahead of yourself for the first time in a long time. That is a start. John and I will support you as well and the company has a program to help you."

John walked back into the room. "I just spoke with Marvin and he will see you in his office Monday morning at 9:30. He will work with you at the company's expense. You only have to worry about yourself." John looked very upset as he continued. "I am not doing this only as your friend. What Richard did was totally inappropriate and is in violation of company policy. I will tell you now that you have a valid lawsuit against the bank and I, for one, would support your claim."

"Richard was not alone in this, John. I was as much to blame as he was. After all, I'm older and supposed to be wiser."

"Richard was your superior and, as such, it was totally his responsibility. I told you sometime back that I would have made you department head but corporate wanted youth and a man instead. This is their responsibility as well so they should pay." John actually smiled as he said this. I knew that Richard was never his choice.

"I think that you should pack what you need and we will take you to your Aunt's house. Lauren can drive you and I will follow in your car. I'll call Tom's cell phone when we get back home and talk with him about moving in here."

"That will be fine and I can't thank both of you enough. I am so ashamed of the way I have behaved. I am so grateful that I have friends willing to help me since I drove the one person in the world that would have done anything for me away."

We left for Sophie's house and I left my home, a place that I loved, maybe for the last time.

*****

I was surprised to get the call from John Williams. He told me that he and Lauren had gone to Julie when she called and that she was in a bad way. He also told me that she had moved in with Sophie and that she wanted Rachael to return to her own bed and to her own surroundings. She was adamant about that. I told him that I would never set foot in that house again and that I intended to find a condo for Rachael and myself. I told him to thank Julie, but tell her no thanks.

John also told me that he had retained a psychiatrist at company expense to help Julie. He made no attempt to talk about our problems but did tell me that he was going to fire Richard Means Monday morning. He said that the bank did not condone his actions and that I had a case if I chose to pursue it. Since Richard was the supervisor it was his responsibility to set an example. This was a stupid stunt and he deserved to be terminated.

I thanked John and told him that I wouldn't consider moving back home, but I wanted to talk with my attorney first to be sure that didn't set any precedents. I was also interested in the fact that Julie was going to a psychiatrist. I knew she was mentally unbalanced but had not thought it through. Maybe that was for the best.

When I told mom about Julie's offer to let us move back into the house, she told me that it was a good sign that Julie was once again thinking about Rachael. "A mother will always look out for her child, even when she is sick or injured." She looked smug as she continued. "Julie is sick right now, but her love for her child will be her rock as she fights her way back!"

"You take that child home where she belongs. I'll have dad bring me over first thing in the morning and I'll stay with you for a while. Things will need to be done and you will have to be free to do them. Rachael and I will be fine." Mom was already taking charge, just as she always had. Dad was letting her take the lead.

I told mom that while I valued her opinion, I would not move back to the house and that I would find a condo close to work that I could buy. Julie could have the house where she ended our marriage. We argued about it but I eventually found a three-bedroom condo just 3 miles from my office, and Rachael and I began our life without Julie. We missed her, but for now, we had to go on.

It was about four weeks later when I got a call from my attorney. He said that Julie's psychiatrist had contacted him. He wanted me to agree to a meeting with him as well as a meeting with Julie. He wanted me to see him first for about 15 minutes before I spoke to Julie.

"I think you should take both meetings. It will not look good to the judge if you refuse to make an effort to reconcile. The effort has to be made, even if you have no intention to make it happen. That's the way the judge will put it." I thought that was dumb and said so, but he was adamant.

"Take the meeting!"

"Alright. You set it up and let me know. But I have no intention of getting back with Julie after what she has done. I know the shrink will tell me why she did it and that she was sick, etc. but I don't care. She killed all of the compassion I had." I had not lost any of my anger. As I tried to raise my daughter alone, I saw only the pain that Julie had caused to my daughter as she asked every night where her mother was.

Jerry set the meeting with the shrink for the following Friday morning at 9:30 am. I was to meet with him for 15-20 minutes and then I was to meet with Julie for an hour or so. Our meeting would be private and no one would be watching or taking notes. It was between her and I.

At the appointed time, I entered the office of Marvin Catsman, psychiatrist. He was a short, bald man with a potbelly and jovial face. He put me at ease almost immediately.

"Welcome Mr. Simmons. I am very glad to finally meet you. Julie has told me much about you and Rachael and I think I know you already. I want to see if the reality matches the picture of you that Julie has shown me." He waited to see if I had a comment, but I just listened. This was his meeting.

"Julie is a severely depressed young woman. At the root of her problems are fear and anger. We are getting to the causes but you have already seen the results. Her problems can be solved with hard work and time. Yours can be too if you are willing."

"I did not come here to solve my problems as you so tactfully put it. I know that my wife caused the problems I have. I repeatedly asked her to get help or to talk to me about what was bothering her. She chose to shut me out and to turn to another for intimacy. That is a pain that will take time to go away, and no reason for her behavior will make it less. She almost killed me with her actions and I will have to find a way to live with that." I was pleased that I could say this without breaking down. My pain was still very close to the surface and I found myself often just staring into space with tears in my eyes.

"I wasn't trying to solve your problems, only to indicate that I knew they were there and very painful. I want you to listen to Julie when you meet with her. She is not sure what she wants to say and in my opinion, it is too early for her to be able to tell you what she wants to say. She will probably make a mess of it and say things that will make you very angry. She is talking with you against my advice. I urge you to have extreme patience with her and to let her say what she wants. You have to remember that you will be talking with a sick person, one who has severe mental anguish. It will be harder for her than it will for you. She knows what she did but she doesn't know why. You don't care why, only that she did it."

"I promise you I will listen and I will try not to lash out at her. But you have to know that the pain is very close to the surface. I wouldn't even be here except that my lawyer urged me to come."

"I understand, but if you have any feelings left for this woman, please listen and try not to judge while you are so full of pain." With that he rose and ushered me into a small conference room next to his office. "I'll get Julie. Please have a seat."

In just a few minutes, Julie entered through the office door. I was shocked at her appearance. She had on no makeup, her usually bright eyes were red and dull, she had on jeans and a sweater and her face was puffy and pale. God, she was still the most beautiful thing I had ever seen! My heart broke just looking at her.

"Thank you for coming here and letting me say some things to you. I know Dr. Catsman doesn't think this is a good idea, but I have to do it for myself." Julie went to the seat across the table from me and sat down facing away from me. She had not met my eyes since she entered the room. She paused and seemed to be trying to control her emotions, but I said nothing.

"There are three things I want to say. If you will, please just let me say them. It is hard enough just being here with you without falling apart. I don't want to apologize or ask you for anything. I just have to say these things to make sure you understand." She waited, glancing at me out of the corner of her eyes to see if I would say anything.

"I am here and I will listen to what you have to say. I am angry, but I will try not to interrupt."

"That's all I ask. I am trying very hard to understand why I did what I did. Dr. Catsman and I have determined it began when the Dr. told me that you and I had to be careful having sex. That was in the last three months of my pregnancy. That doesn't explain anything, but does put a beginning to the problems." Julie still hadn't looked at me. Her voice was dull and she talked in a monotone. She was almost reciting something she had written in advance.

"The first thing is very hard to talk about. It is what I did with Richard. I will not go into details since that isn't important. I know that what you imagine is probably ten times worse than the reality. We only met four times, the last being the time you found me in bed with him. That was also the only time we did it at our home. I do not know why I invited him in; just that you and I had that argument Tuesday night before you left. Since I was only doing it to hurt you, it was probably the reason I asked him to our home. We had met three times before at the Holiday Inn, pretending business meetings with clients. None of our meetings lasted more than an hour or so.

"Second, I want you to know this: sex with Richard was terrible. I never enjoyed it and did not do it for me. I did it to hurt you. As a result, every time he and I had sex, I compared him to you. You should know that you were in my thoughts almost all the time I was with Richard. I compared what he and I did to what you and I did and every time Richard fell miserably short. I judged everything he did by how you did it and he simply couldn't measure up. I realize now that what Richard and I did had nothing to do with love or respect or feelings. It was cheap and dirty and not very interesting. If it's true what they say about a spouse who has a cheating partner, it is that the spouse feels somehow inadequate. I want you to know that you have no reason to feel that way." At this, she finally faced me directly. She looked directly into my eyes and said, "There was no love with Richard, and as a result, the sex was just that; cheap and dirty sex. Not even a poor excuse for lovemaking. Even when you and I made love over the last year, as bad as it was, it was still more than I had with Richard."

"Finally, I want you to take care of Rachael and do what is right for her. At this time, I can't be with her because I am sick. I don't want her to see me this way. If she can remember mommy without knowing how badly I treated her, that is the best thing." I saw the tears begin to flow down her cheeks as she finished this last. I knew now how much she was hurting and how much she had lost. I wanted to go to her and hold her and make it right. I wanted to, but I couldn't.

"That's all I wanted to say. I hope you can take some peace from that and I hope that we can work out some way for me to see Rachael when I am better. I want nothing but the best for you and for her. You can't believe this now, but know that I love you and Rachael with all my heart and I never stopped." With that, she got up and fled the room without another word. She left before I could even call her name.

I left the office that day with a better feeling in my heart than I had had for some time. I believed what she had told me, and it certainly made me feel better about myself. That, in turn, allowed me to think more about her and what it would take to make her well. I resolved to talk to Dr. Catsman and offer my help in any way I could.

The divorce papers had been filed some time ago and it would take 90 days for the separation to become legal. After that, if the divorce weren't contested, it would be final in another 60 days. Five months to the end of my world as I knew it. I knew that it had to be, but it did make me sad.

*****

I continued to work with Dr. Catsman. I had no idea of what was going to happen but I knew that I was out of control and my life was a mess. I had lost everything I cared about and I had done some things that I was ashamed of. As I began to understand what I had done, the shame increased and I fell deeper into depression. Dr. Catsman told me I had to hit rock bottom before I could begin to rebuild my life.

In order to let me function, he gave me medication to relieve the depression and let me get back to work. I found that Richard was gone. Fired for inappropriate behavior. I was glad that I didn't have to face him again. My shame was too great to allow that. John did let me start back gradually and I soon found that I could once again enjoy my job. I think that, as well as the understanding from John, helped me to get back on my feet more quickly.

During one of our early sessions, Marvin took me back to that visit with the OB/GYN who told me that I had to begin to be very careful for the last 3 months of my pregnancy. He told me that I was at high risk for a premature birth if I didn't stop work and if Tom and I weren't careful when we made love. He suggested we stop any activity that could cause discomfort to the fetus.

Marvin, as Dr. Catsman told me to call him, felt that this was the beginning of my problems. I somehow took what the OB said and translated that to sex being risky and causing danger to my baby. Not consciously, but still a nagging start. Since Tom was related to sex and lovemaking, I began to connect him to risky behavior. This then began to translate into harm to the baby. Tom slowly became an enemy. All of this was deep in my subconscious and came about without my even knowing it.

After the baby was born, things were fairly normal since lovemaking was not possible for a while. During that time, things began to settle into a routine that did not include sex with Tom. When Tom did try to initiate sex, I was not comfortable and in my subconscious, Tom was trying to hurt me, using sex as a weapon. It all sounds crazy to me, but Dr. Catsman feels that this is the area we need to work on.

We had been meeting two times a week for the last three weeks when I told Marvin that I wanted to talk to Tom. I hadn't seen or talked to him since the night he left me. I had been thinking of him and of my daughter and I began to worry about some of the things I had said to him that night. I desperately wanted to set some things straight for Tom. He had to know that I still loved him and Rachael and that Richard was nothing. I was afraid that Tom would think I loved Richard and that Richard was a better lover and that we had a love affair. It became an obsession with me to tell Tom these things.

Marvin was not in favor of me talking with Tom. He felt that I was not ready and that I was still not clear on why I had acted as I did. I didn't care. I had to do this. I asked him to make it happen. If he wouldn't I would quit therapy and try on my own. He finally agreed and set it up for the following week. He said he wanted to talk with Tom first and then I could see him. I agreed.

As I walked in the room where Tom was waiting, I found I couldn't look at him. I walked to the chair across from him but I faced away. I was ashamed and I knew he could see it on my face. He didn't say anything as I sat down but I could feel his eyes on me the whole time. I began to shudder and I had to take slow, steady breaths, the way Marvin had taught me to control panic attacks.

I began to talk and fortunately, the words came out, as I wanted. I wanted to tell him the things that I was concerned about and I asked him to let me talk. I knew if he began to question me I would fall apart and begin to cry. I didn't want to do that. What I had to tell him was too important to him. He had to know the truth.

I wanted him to know that I used sex with Richard as a way to hurt him. I didn't know why I wanted to hurt him but that I did not have sex because I was unhappy with Tom as a lover. I also was ashamed that I had taken Richard into our home. I told him that Richard was nothing and that sex with him was terrible. I wanted him to know that lovemaking with him was beautiful and that sex with Richard was dirty and cheap. I also wanted him to know that he was a much better lover than Richard and that he had nothing to worry about.