A Different Perspective

"Isn't that enough?" I said. Moaned, really, I'm ashamed to admit. I was about to cry again. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Seriously? Again? I'm not the crying type, really, but the past 24 hours seemed to have been filled with the water works.

"There was more," Kyle said. I put one hand over my eyes and shook my head furiously. I did not want to know more. And Kyle? What a quack. How was doing that going to help me?

"I -- I didn't --" Keith sputtered, but he failed to get anything out.

"He didn't have an affair with Mark, Travis," Kyle said flatly.

"Then what the hell was he talking about?" I snapped, the tears safely at bay, for the moment.

"I knew Mark was having an affair," Keith blurted out. "I knew, and I didn't tell you."

"What?" I asked, perplexed. This was not quite what I expected.

"I knew. I saw him out, once, in December. I confronted him..." Keith trailed off.

"What?" I asked again. I felt dizzy. For almost six months I had avoided all of my friends. I had believed my best friend, Keith, had slept with Mark. Six months. And I had been wrong?

"It's in the journal," Kyle said quietly. I just stared at him, so he continued, "I'm sorry, but it just sounded so... wrong. I mean, I know I haven't known you guys that long, but it just didn't sound like something Keith would do."

"Why didn't you say something?" Eric snapped. Kyle flinched a little.

"I was going to. I wanted to talk to you first, though, before I brought it up," Kyle said to Eric, "And I wasn't expecting Keith to drop by."

"Who?" I asked suddenly, breaking the silence that had followed Kyle's confession. "Who was it?"

"Adam Lelland," Keith said quietly. One of Mark's poker buddies. I could have guessed it would have been that horse-faced asshole. "I'm so sorry I didn't tell you, Travis."

"Why didn't you?" I asked coldly, though I really couldn't muster any anger.

"I wanted to... like I said, I confronted Mark about it. He said he was breaking it off, that I was wrong... and it was just after Christmas. I felt so bad, but I really thought he was telling the truth," Keith said, his voice watery.

"Breaking it off..." I repeated quietly, more to myself.

"He said he loved you, and that he was going to tell you. He said... he said he regretted it. I thought he really was going to tell you, Travis, I did. I didn't..." Keith choked a bit, and finished in a whisper, "I didn't know what to do."

"You did what a lot of people probably would have done," Eric remarked quietly, thoughtfully.

"Well, he's dead now, so I guess none of this really matters, now, does it?" I said without inflection. "I think I'm going to take a shower. Excuse me."

I walked into the hall bathroom instead of the master bath. I'm not sure why, probably because it was closest, but I could hear them in the kitchen. Eric apologized to Keith for being rude, but Keith understood, like always. It was probably his biggest downfall -- empathy and forgiveness. And then, they whispered. About me, I'm sure. I felt queasy. Maybe I'd be lucky and they would all leave while I was showering. Fat chance.

I thought about what had just happened. Compare knowing about an affair to actually having an affair. Suddenly, in comparison, that knowledge barely seemed like a problem. Was it a problem? I couldn't figure it out. On one hand, he knew and didn't tell me. Lie by omission. On the other hand, he thought Mark would come clean. What would I have done in the same situation? Who knows? And once he figured out that Mark wasn't going to... well, how long do you wait? At what point is someone's time up? How is that determined?

They were all still seated at the table when I came out of the bathroom in my ratty bathrobe and headed to my bedroom to change. When I finally came out, they all just looked at me, like they were waiting for something. I looked at Keith. Gazed at him, really. His face was bruised from where I punched him, the purple-blue of the bruise in stark contrast to the pale skin of his face and the white-blond hair on his head.

"I don't know how I feel about this," I said finally. "I'm not sure what to make of this. I'm... I don't know. I just don't know."

He nodded and gazed back at me, his face open and calm, before he said, "I understand if you don't want anything to do with me, Travis. It was a seriously breech in trust. I can leave, if you want..."

"No," I said quietly as I finally sat down. "Honestly, it's just... gonna take me a little while. Get over the shock or something. I mean, I've thought for the past six months that you've... that you were...," I hesitated, the words caught in my throat, "I thought you were sleeping with him."

Keith nodded, pale, but didn't say anything.

"And I'm sorry I hit you," I said. As soon as I said it, I knew I meant it, and I felt a wave of guilt. Fuck. I had punched and manhandled Keith for something he didn't do. Sweet, sensitive Keith. Damn, but I felt like the biggest ass on the face of the planet.

Of course he accepted my apology, and he even seemed grateful for my apology. Keith didn't hold grudges; it wasn't in his nature. I sighed in the uncomfortable silence that followed, and suddenly Kyle and Eric were on their feet, saying they had to go. Keith followed shortly after. None of us had anything left to say.