A Dumb Blonde as Mayor

"I saw him toss the bottle which exploded on the roof," Jefferson said. "Is that what you mean by um, collateral evidence?"

"Collaborating evidence – indeed it is. Give your statement to Constable Higgs and be polite to her unless you wish to be arrested. She's toey because she is missing out attending a party tonight."

An hour later, having coffee and a meat pie in the home of the Coleman's, Jefferson was asked by Angela, why had he called on her only two hours before midnight?

"Dad had called saying you appeared to like me which was contrary to what I'd told him... I'd said you thought I was an asshole. He told me to get over to you and sort it out while I still had a chance?"

"What kind of chance?"

"I don't know."

Mr and Mrs Coleman and Andrea looked decidedly puzzled. Andrea told Jefferson to continue.

"I was twenty-two miles out from the homestead herding twenty-two stroppy bulls and just when we were almost at the pasture all hell broke loose and a gang fight was on. The big roan took a dislike to Lenny and tossed Lenny still on his ranch bike over a fence, knocking him out. So I shot the roan. He had been causing trouble throughout the drive but unfortunately I now had 1700lbs of dead bull blocking my route back to the house. So we had to get the remaining bulls under control and into their fresh pasture before I could hogtie the roan and wait for dad to arrive in the chopper to airlift it to the farm abattoir. I had to return and then help dad pull the skin off the carcass and then go to mom to give me a haircut. I then showered and changed and put on perfume and drove into town and arrived here just on 10:00. Don't you see, I couldn't have arrived any sooner?"

"Aw, you did this for me," Andrea said, loosening the top of the sheet a bit so Jefferson could confirm he was dealing with a woman.

"Aw," Mrs Coleman said, dabbing at her eyes.

"Aw, to think I was fucking woken up to witness this piece of crap," Mr Coleman snarled.

Jefferson said dangerously softly, "Watch your mouth buster or I'll rearrange your teeth."

"Bathroom," yelled Mr Coleman, racing off.

Mrs Coleman said she'd make up a bed for Andrea and her hero.

"No thanks Mrs Coleman. I must court Andrea before I bed her."

"No Jefferson, I don't mind, truly. I want you to jump into bed with me. Desperately actually."

"No Andrea, you are a bit flighty. I want our relationship established on bedrock, nothing less will do. I don't want you believing I regard you as being auspicious."

"Darling I think you mean promiscuous and certainly not auspiciously promiscuous as that would leave even me a little breathless and sexually on a tangent heading towards indescribably licentious wantonness."

"Calling yourself a wanton slut eh?" sniggered Mr Coleman, returning from the toilet.

Jefferson snarled, "You fucker" and pinned him against the wall with a strong hand around Mr Coleman's throat.

"Leave him," yelled the women and the arrival of the police forensic team ended that potential fracas. With a sweet kiss Andrea sent Jefferson home and invited him to call on her at her new home whenever he wished – in the daytime.

* * *

At 11:30 on Friday, with Andrea having successfully applied for suspension from school to allow her to contest the election, she arrived outside city hall to prepare to lodge her nomination in the box just inside the entrance.

Just then a van pulled up and four masked men, all dressed in black and carrying axe handles, jumped out. Six men from Robbins's 2-RR Ranch emerged on the balcony above the entrance, rifles at the ready and the four masked men tumbled into the van and it drove off in a cloud from smoking tires.

Andrea lodged her nomination.

At 11:55 the same white van drew up outside City Hall and the elegantly dressed Jake James puffed up the steps and lodged his nomination.

The Town Hall clock began striking out noon and Mayor James emerged from the building and stood at the top of the steps. He turned to watch the city's chief executive unlock the box and emerge carrying two envelopes. The CEO opened the first envelope and said it was in order and repeated that confirmation with the contents from the second envelope.

"Nominated for the mayorship are Mr Jake James and E Finn. As Mayor of Pike's..."

Six armed men, rifles lowered, emerged from the foyer and circled the mayor. Jefferson said, "Please Mr Mayor, read out the names as per the nomination forms."

The mayor wiped his forehead.

"Nominated for the mayorship are Mr Jake James and Miss Andrea Finn. As Mayor of Pike's Point I declare both nomination forms have been received, duly lodged on time and are correctly filled in and because there is more than one candidate an election is necessary. Thank you for attending."

The crowd at the bottom of the steps comprising five people and a dog dispersed.

"So Miss Finn, we meet at last."

"I hadn't assumed you were seeking to meet me Mr Mayor?"

The mayor flicked a finger around his tightening shirt collar. "Would you care to join me for coffee Miss Finn?"

"No thank you Mr Mayor, I have an important appointment with my hairdresser. Oh, I will be requesting an audit of council financials and operations as soon as I become mayor. Please make sure all money unaccounted for is in order before then and any missing machinery and unpaid for work on any of your family or friends' properties are accounted for or paid for before I take office. Oh, and check that all claimed expenses are considered fair and reasonable by any right-thinking auditor. Normally I would not wish to be the person to put you to jail for any misdeeds Mr Mayor, but someone has to be prepared to do it. If you are clean you have no problem, right? Good afternoon."

The now purple-faced mayor scowled at the back of the departing mayoral candidate.

Jefferson came up behind Andrea and blew into her hair. "Hi, how about you and I slope off and become a little better acquainted?"

"That's a thought Jefferson and thank you for what you and the boys did for me. But I have rather an urgent appointment – with my hairdresser. Bye."

Jefferson scowled at the back of the departing mayoral candidate. His gaze slipped down to her ass and he felt like baying at the sun.

The election was four weeks away.

CHAPTER 2

Piper's Point has general Saturday shopping until noon with the peak occurring between 11:00 and 11:30. The morning after nominations closed, first day of the election proper, Jeeps towing horse trailers parked on the edge of town and then five horsemen rode single file into the town to catch the morning 'rush'.

Earlier Tim Robbins had called Andrea at her new residents at 37 Main Street and asked her to be on the steps of Town Hall that morning at 11:00.

"But the Town Hall will be closed; bureaucrats don't work weekends," she said.

"Stop confusing yourself," Tim growled. "Just be there; this is symbolic."

"Don't you mean chaotic?"

Tim grinned and cut the call. He really liked a bit of feistiness in a woman.

The word spread quickly, "Something's up; five armed horsemen are riding single file into town."

Shoppers and shop assistants spilled on to the sidewalks on both sides of the street. Traffic stopped, giving Piper's Point it's first hint of a traffic jam since Christmas Eve three years ago when late shopping night was first introduced.

The horsemen rode by, the townspeople silent, wondering if the James clan was about to be assassinated. Onlookers spilled on to the street behind the riders, those directly behind the horses watching where they placed their feet.

Ted Jenks, owner of the music store, rushed out with a drum and played a monotonous repeated single beat, sending a chill through the crowd.

Dogs barked.

Women sobbed.

Children whispered they were hungry.

Men rattled loose coins in pockets.

Waiting on top of the white marble steps was mayoral candidate Andrea Finn behind dark shades. She showed quite a lot up top each time she bent over to keep down the hem of her mid-thigh dress in the puffs of wind.

The horsemen stopped at Tim's command and wheeled to face the steps at his next command and slowly moved in a ragged, unrehearsed line to the base of the steps.

The mournful drumbeat stopped and everyone relaxed.

"Timmy Paynter, come here please," Tim shouted.

Timmy was a no-show.

"Timmy, come here or you get a bullet up your ass."

Young mothers smiled; older women looked horrified.

Slowly the terror of the town's children, Timothy Julius Paynter, came forth, both hands behind him over his ass protectively. And that was the beginning of the end of the horrible little torment because within a few minutes he would be widely acknowledged as little Timmy Paynter, the boy who helped save the town.

"Stand by me Timmy. That's it. Mayoral candidate Andrea Finn, what wonderful legs you have. We ranchers wish to add to your campaign fund. How much is in it?"

Andrea's clear voice rang out, "One hundred and forty six dollars and forty cents Mr Robbins."

"Miss Finn, add to that $500 from Robbins Ranch. Take the check to her Timmy."

"Miss Robbins, add to that $500 from Clay Ranch. Take the check to her Timmy."

"Miss Robbins, add to that $500 from Cheney Ranch. Take the check to her Timmy."

"Miss Robbins, add to that $500 from Rossini Ranch. Take the check to her Timmy."

"Miss Robbins, add to that $500 from Pollock Ranch. Take the check to her Timmy."

Timmy's father stepped forth and spoke.

"This is a magnificent gesture by some of our most illustrious ranching families stretching back to frontier days. As president of Inlet Bank I'm announcing as from Monday my bank will accept donations to the Miss Andrea Finn's Election Appeal and I'll open her account with my personal check for one thousand dollars. Take the check to her Timmy."

"Yes dad."

"Well, that completes this presentation," said Tim.

"No wait, I wish to thank you," Andrea shouted. "Everyone clear the street."

While vehicles moved off and pedestrians returned to the sidewalks Andrea kissed Timmy and his father, and then as the horsemen leaned down and she kissed then, finishing with Tim Robbins. She they whispered something to the horsemen. Tim leaned down and pulled her up behind his saddle. The horsemen rode out to the middle of the street and then pulling out their rifles, galloped off firing shots into the air, Andrea fired Tim's rifle.

Spectators were only just beginning to move off when the sirens of two police cars were heard. Everyone stopped and waited. Andrea walked up the center of the street from where she'd dismounted and the same sergeant who'd dealt with the disturbance at the cake stall got out of his car and said, "Oh no, not you again."

"Good morning sergeant. Are you about to arrest me?"

"I'm tempted but we are responding to emergency calls of multiple gunshots in the town center."

"Well sergeant, in the powers invested in me, I authorized five..."

"Miss Finn, you are a candidate to contest the election. You have no powers vested in you... yet."

"Oh, aren't I a silly dumb blonde. Everyone listening, did you hear gunshots and see guns being fired?"

"No." roared the crowd, drowning out some people calling yes.

The sergeant looked frustrated but grinned. "Miss Finn, you are a challenging woman."

The crowed cheered and the police left. Andrea walked down one side of Main Street shops and up the other shaking people's hands or being kissed. Her election campaign was underway.

Next morning Andrea went to church. Although not a regular church attendee she thought it would be politically expedient to show up. As she was leaving she saw a familiar figure ahead of her.

"Oh Mr Mayor?"

Mayor James stopped and turned around. People including his wife scattered.

"I wonder if I could have a few words."

"I invite you to Sunday lunch Miss James."

"That is a lovely offer Mr Mayor but I must decline as my mayoral foe will be there."

"He goes yahooing in Mornington Sundays."

"Very well, I accept your kind offer."

"It's some distance to walk. Please ride in the limo with us Miss Finn."

"Why thank you."

The anxious clergyman at the church door, although Baptist, crossed himself in relief

When about to shovel half a chicken into his mouth, the mayor said, "All the books are in order and accounts have been paid by all family and friends I'd arranged for work to be done by council personnel. External audits will disclose nothing untoward, no signs of patronage and I've paid back some excessive claims of expenses."

"Only some?"

"I am the mayor and even the most pedantic of auditors will acknowledge some leeway."

"Once a crook always a crook I was thinking, but I acknowledge you have made a big effort to become almost straight. Good boy."

The mayor grinned and stuffed his mouth.

The mayor's wife Gabriel asked if elected would Miss Finn run the James clan out of town.

"No Mrs James but the expectation will be that the James clan will behave as good citizens."

"Oh thank god for that. I've just planted bulbs for next spring. As family matriarch I'll see that the James clansmen become gentlemen... well as close as I can get them. You'll know what I mean."

"Indeed, it's a tough call."

Andrea then told the mayor she expected him to back his son in the mayoral race, boots and all. "What I wanted to talk to you about is if I win, and that's very likely, I would like to use your uncompromising bullheadedness to work to the advantage of this town."

"You cheeky bitch," he grinned, gravy running down his chin.

"The first offer would be for you to accept the new town position of Harbormaster and be in charge of our port installation."

"But we only have a wharf in disrepair and a tin shed."

"The lack of a person in authority with single focus is why we have a wharf in neglect and a tin shed instead of a proper cargo storage facility with mobile crane and proper passenger facilities."

"Yes of course."

"And the second paid position on offer would be Commissioner of Marina Development."

"But we don't have a marina and the city harbor authority would refuse to allow us build one out into the inlet."

"Yes, quite, but we are much smarter than those city fat cats, aren't we?"

"Are we?"

"Yes, Jamieson's Swamp."

"Fuck me."

"No thank you Mr Mayor."

"Ivan!"

"Oh I apologize for uncouth language ladies. The council already owns the swamp, gained in lieu of unpaid local taxes. We excavate it of rubbish and deepen it and build a marina inside the riverbank and therefore it would be outside the jurisdiction of the harbor authority. Oh brilliant Miss Finn."

"Yes, I saw Mr Robbins in a line of fifteen people waiting to launch their yachts and power craft at the sole narrow boat ramp last Sunday and began thinking about their predicament."

The mayor snorted, "The Harbor Authority with jurisdiction over the entire inlet allows only one single width boat ramp every five miles minimum."

"Yes, typical bureaucracy isn't it? Imagine the license fees they'd collect if they were far spaced closer together and where the demand was and allowed multiple-width ramps and took multiple fees?"

The mayor boggled, looking at Andrea with something very suspiciously like respect. He then grinned triumphantly, "I can proceed with those projects you mention when my son wins the mayoral race."

"Of course you can. I thought I might as well tell you to prepare you for possible selection for the positions and, in the unlikely event of your son winning, having both projects proceed anyway."

The mayor beamed. "I like your style young woman. Oh, some idiots reckon the ranchers rode into town yesterday morning to donate to your election fund."

"Yes they did."

"Twenty bucks each no doubt."

"Try $500... each."

The mayor's head almost screwed off his shoulders as it swung around fast to see if Andrea was kidding.

"Some informants alleged the ranchers fired their guns in Main Street. Was that also incorrect?"

"Oh yes. They were aware the edict of successive James' mayors was discharge of firearms within the town limits is a hanging offence."

The mayor grinned. "Did they fire their guns?"

As any politician would say Mr Mayor, "No, definitely not."

"You are a devious woman Miss Finn."

Andrea grinned. "Well since we'll be working closely together after the election, why don't you call me Andrea?"

"Okay. Gabriel was in town yesterday morning. She said townspeople lined lower Main Street to watch the ranchers present their donations. The crowd was ominously silent."

"Well that was accurately reported. Did she report hearing gunshot?"

"No. I trust Gabriel's honestly. When I asked her had she heard gunshots she replied what gunshots?"

"Thank you Gabriel."

"Why are you thanking my wife?"

"Um I was praising her for her honesty and skill in handling a sticky situation."

"Andrea, do you mind not talking so obscurely. Now where was I?"

"Thinking about your Harbormaster's uniform I shouldn't wonder."

"Uniform?"

"For special occasions such as when we go upstream in a flotilla, with media helicopters overhead, to land a delegation to wait on a combined meeting of Mornington City Council and the Harbor Authority requesting reinstatement of the twice daily passenger service between Mornington and Pike's Point and a subsidy from the council to run a daily freight service between Mornington and Pike's Point. That freight service would reduce heavy haulage traffic on the Mornington-Pike's Point section of the winding highway, thus reducing upkeep and lessening delays and improving road safety on that notorious stretch of highway."

The mayor said 'Jesus' and rubbed his chin.

Gabriel said, "If you dare divulge that election platform to Jake before Andrea announces it I'll nail your balls to the school gate."

Andrea looked in astonishment at Gabriel and asked where had she picked up that expression?

"My dear, women throughout town and out to the ranches are cackling over that quotation. You're famous for it."

Andrea slumped into her chair, muttering 'Oh shyte."

Her hosts laughed.

Later that afternoon Andrea went to Mornington on the bus. After lodging a full-page advertisement in the Mornington Gazette she hitched a ride back to Pike's Point. She then went as previously arranged to visit Mrs Strong, editor-publisher of the PP Newssheet, for drinks and to talk. They worked on a special 4-page 'Election Edition'.

Monday morning's Gazette gave approximately 20% of PP homes details of Andrea's election platform including the intention to appoint a harbormaster and to seek reintroduction of the twice daily ferry service and introduction of a marine freight service with Mornington. The freight service caught everyone by surprise and a news team from the Gazette arrived at the school at lunchtime to interview Andrea about it and to seek the views of local business people. The advertisement also mentioned eight other policies.

Later that morning the PP Newssheet, hot off the press, was delivered to all households and out to the ranches and rural homes and business within a thirty-mile radius of PP. Andrea had paid for the rural distribution.

The front page of the publication under the masthead was almost empty. It contained a short statement from Mrs Strong: "We offered equal treatment in this Special Election Issue to both candidates for the mayorship. Inside you'll find Miss Finn's response. The remainder of this front page is devoted to what Mr Jake James had to say after telling the publisher that "you and your stupid publication can go and get [F-word edited out]."

The remainder of the page was blank.

Page two was headed, 'Who is Andrea Finn, PP's Prospective New Mayor?'