A Final Farewell

The cold stone pressed against her knees as she knelt silently in the narthex, waiting for Jolen to complete his business and join her. She had much to tell him. Nervousness fluttered in the depths of her stomach, or was that a movement of their child? Her thoughts strayed to how little she knew of childbirth. Would Jolen welcome her news? She knew he had wanted children very much, he would make such a wonderful father...so unlike the parent she had known. But following so closely on the heels of their separation...she bit her lip slightly and peered down thoughtfully at her stomach. Already her thin abdomen was filling in, not noticeably, but an expectant mother knew her own body.

Muted footfalls and the whisper of robes announced that Jolen has entered and knelt before the alter. Slowly she raised her eyes. The firm yet sad look to his face caused her to gulp in apprehension. He moved to her side and his warm fingers brushed her cheek, bringing the soothing scent of sandalwood, doing much to ease her nerves. Mustering her courage, she licked her lips and began.

"I's need ta explain somethin' that..that I should ha' tol' you befo' I last left da camp." Her thick accent blurred the words into a hurried jumble. Jolen looked even more serious and withdrew his hand. Her cheek felt cold and her stomach clenched, but she continued.

"It were ma' people...da tribe we was fightin'...dey is ma people. I-I...I'm na' one o' them na' longa'. But I couldn'a fight an' kill them...is why I left." She squeezed her eyes shut and lowered her voice to a murmur, "I was afraid... those battles were vera' fierce...any hesitation on ma' part...coulda' cost any one o' us a' lives." She prayed he would understand, this man who could be so hard and yet so gentle, so loving and so unforgiving. She knew he was her life and she feared it.

"How many more died because you left my side, Adianna?"

There it was, no easy forgiveness. She felt nausea creep through her stomach, serving to remind her of the other secret she was even now keeping from him...but it was not the time for this. What could she have done? Stayed and fought...what had happened to all the hatred she once held for the Karsh?

"Jolen, could you ha' fought the Sparra? Could you kill those as were yo own blood?" Jolen's eyes remained hard and remote, building an ache in her for his warmth and understanding.

"I have," He murmured. "I have had to slay some of my own people. At times survival is more important than blood..." Begging for understanding and forgiveness got her nowhere. Jolen was adamant and he never forgave. Fear filled her and her secret weighed heavily on her mind. In desperation, she searched to kindle the love she knew he still held for her. She whispered softly,

"You a' heart o' ma heart...soul o' ma soul." Her answer came with heartbreaking finality. "Go back to your people." The words hit her, staggering her mind and shattering the hopes and dreams that had grown in her heart. She felt the blood leave her face as the warmth of his love left her heart. His wings wearily drooped as he looked at her.

"I still love you...but...I cannot be with someone that will leave my side when I need them most..." A drop of blood trickled down her chin, and she realized she was biting into her lip. The salty taste of blood reminded her of who she was. She felt the mask settle back over her face as the blood and growing anger caused the pain to recede. When she spoke, her voice was brittle, anguish hidden just beneath the cover of her anger.

"I neva' believed in love befo'... I-I thought wid you would be different. I were wrong." Her pain made her lash out. "I jess' Karsh afta' all I's dun need o' want love ifn' this what it gonna do. Sa' go...leave...da Karsh were right. All dea' is be blood an' lust. I were a fool ta try an' have anythin' mo." Her words rang false in her own ears. She could have thrown her pregnancy at Jolen, he would never abandon her entirely if he knew. Her pride and fierce dignity prevented her from revealing it now and looking weak and needy. As though he saw through her anger, Jolen whispered,

"If.. anger will help you now, then so be it.. go to your people... turn aside their ways..." Resignation replaced anger as she slowly drew Jolen's feathers from her crest, handing the mementos of his love and trust back to him. She watched as he snapped each quill, her heart slowly breaking with them. Reaching out she rescued the pieces and tucked them into her belt. Impulsively she moved and kissed his lips, needing to touch him in some way that she could carry with her, almost crying aloud as his lips returned the kiss with a fierceness that spoke of love amid desertion. With a small sob, she rose, and without a look behind her, stumbled swiftly from the temple and the only man she had learned to love. Tears flowed down her cheeks and the pieces of her heart fell unheeded along the path that led her from her first taste of happiness. Only one thing still remained...she must sever herself from Jolen's mind. The link that bound them was her last connection. A small jab of pain hit her in the middle, as though her unborn child shared her anguish. Her child...Jolen's child...the one he desperately wished for...the one he still didn't know of. No matter her pain, he deserved to know. Gathering all the remaining strength she possessed, she whispered through her tears into Jolen's mind.

"I must tell you somethin'...a'm two months wid child..." The twisted irony of the situation hit her and she laughed bitterly. "I gave you evera'thin you wanted...even this...goodbye, love." She could feel Jolen's mind-numbing shock as her energies focused on the link and began to slowly unweave his mind from her own. As the tendrils began to snap, she head Jolen cry desperately to her,

"Tell them of their father...I...love you." As the last of the link dissolved, her final thoughts went with it.

"I love you...wid all ma heart...an' I always will ..." Her body shuddered with tearing agony and hot needles plunged into her abdomen. She screamed with fear and pain as the burst of energy from the severed link backlashed through her. Blood gushed from her nose and something warm soaked through her pantaloons...then blackness slowly faded in.