A Flower in the Wilderness

"Oh yes, by all means let's talk," Celeste said, "what shall we talk about the world economy, whose going to win the next election, the price of knickers?"

Adrian with an effort to remain calm said, "Since we do have to spend time together, and there's some unresolved business, I think we should talk about us."

"Us? My God Adrian you are being bold."

Ignoring her retort Adrian went on, "The other day I kept cutting off what you were saying. I suppose I was too scared to hear what you had to say. A little while ago you said, "If on Wednesday you'd given me the chance to explain, you'd have discovered that there's nothing to feel guilty about."

"Oh, you were listening then," Celeste said provocatively.

"Yes, I was listening," Adrian said. "I was listening because I've been so bloody miserable about the rift that was caused by what happened between has. So I'd like to know what you meant by that."

"It was sex that caused the rift," Celeste said faintly. I was sure...so sure of myself and of you, I behaved like a slut."

She laughed harshly; "The parson's wife is a harlot."

"Stop it Celeste. You talk about my guilt feelings, what about yours?"

"The only guilt feelings I have are over offering myself to you and being rejected. It was so humiliating."

"I didn't want to reject you," he said.

"Then why did you?"

He paused for a moment looking at her steadily and then said, "All my sexual relationships so far have been....well, casual. It was with women that in the morning I didn't care if I never saw them again."

"So what stopped you with me?"

"Celeste," he said quietly, "my life was going nowhere; I came here to try and get it straight. Not long after I arrived and met you quite by chance. I could see almost from the start you were something different; the sort of woman I'd never had anything to do with before."

He paused again and then went on, "I knew that if we did do it, then I would want more; it wouldn't...it couldn't be anything casual."

"I didn't want it to be casual Adrian," she replied.

"What about Kingsley, would there be no guilt over him?"

"Kingsley? That's just the point, I don't need to feel guilty about him, he knows how I feel about you, and he's got shrewd idea about how you feel about me."

"He knows!" Adrian said, sitting bolt upright in his chair.

"Yes, I told him."

"You what?"

"Told him; he doesn't mind."

Adrian flopped back in his chair again. "Celeste he....he doesn't mind? That's crazy, he must mind."

"But he doesn't Adrian, that's what I wanted to tell you the other day, but you kept interrupting me."

"Then for God's sake tell me now Celeste so that I can make some sense of it."

They fell silent, listening to the rain hammering on the corrugated iron roof and water pouring out of the gutters.

Celeste sighed and said, "I'm afraid it's a bit of a tangled story."

"Tell it any way," Adrian said.

* * * * * * * *

"Remember I told you that Kingsley is quite brilliant academically and that was the direction everyone thought he would take?"

"Yes, but what's that got to do with..."

"Please, just listen to me Adrian. The other day when wicked woman tried to seduce you, Kingsley had just got the offer of an academic position and he thinks he'll accept it."

"So you'll be leaving Bungalul?"

"Yes, and you see, he won't need me any more."

"Won't need...why...what has getting an academic..."

"Don't interrupt Adrian."

"Sorry."

"I had to find out if I could trust you Adrian...trust you never to reveal what I wanted to tell you. The academic offer forced my hand as it were; do you understand?"

"No."

"I thought you might have detected something, but obviously you haven't; so I'll start right from the beginning. As you know I met Kingsley when he was studying theology. He's terribly serious about his faith you know."

Adrian made no comment so she went on, "I fell insanely in love with him and I thought he'd fallen for me."

"Thought?"

"Just listen."

"Sorry."

"Obviously we got married and it was only after we got married I found out."

"What?"

"He couldn't make love with me. I'd wondered why he'd never touched me before we go married but I put it down to religious convictions or something like that. After we'd married he tried, but it was hopeless. He told me he thought he might change with me, but he couldn't."

Adrian thought if Kingsley couldn't manage sex with Celeste then he couldn't manage it with anyone. "Why couldn't he?"

"Because he's gay."

"What...then why in hell did he marry you?"

"As I've just told you, he really did think he would be able to change, but there was another reason. You see, the Church won't ordain gay people, and no one knew about Kingsley's sexual orientation, and so if he married me..."

"They would ordain him. It sounds as if he just used you."

"No, not like that Adrian; he does love me but love doesn't always mean sex. I mean I was in love with him, really in love, and I suppose I did push him pretty hard about marriage. If we parted now I should still want him as a friend, a very dear friend, but in that sense it's really all we can ever be even if we stay married."

"The thing is, Adrian, I'm not the sort of woman who wants to live a celibate life and Kingsley understands that. It has still been necessary for us to live together like a normal married couple but Kingsley agreed that if I found someone and I was very circumspect about it, he wouldn't mind me having a sexual relationship."

"Has Kingsley got a lover?" Adrian asked.

"Yes, but I'm not going to tell you who it is so don't ask."

"I wasn't going to ask," he replied.

Celeste laughed and said, "Those poor women in the congregation; they'd all like to get Kingsley into their beds. If only they knew. And so you see if Kingsley takes this academic post it won't matter so much if I do have an affair."

"Why won't it matter?"

"Oh Adrian, don't be so dim, you know what the academic world is like, it's got heaps of gay people. Kingsley and I can separate but remain good friends, and I...well we...you and me could become lovers."

She laughed self deprecatingly and said, "You see, I'd got it all neatly worked out. I thought you were in love with me...really in love..."

"I am," Adrian protested.

"Yes, I know, and I also know I'm in love with you, and so I thought...well you know what I thought.

"Yes, I know. I was a fool the other day, wasn't I?"

"Perhaps I handled it badly Adrian. If I told you what I've just told you before I tried...hey, if I had it might have been you seducing me."

"Very likely," Adrian replied.

The rain seemed to be hammering even more fiercely on the roof and Adrian said, "I hope the roof doesn't leak, it's the first time it's rained since I moved in."

"And it'll probably be a long time before it rains again; what we've got to worry about is whether or not the creek will start to flood the whole area and they'll have to send a boat to rescue us."

They sat in silence for a while until Celeste said, "Adrian, do I have to humiliate myself again?"

"What? Ah...oh...yes, I see. Shall we go to bed...together I mean."

Celeste raised her eyes to heaven and said, "Thank God, he's finally got the right idea."

Slightly offended Adrian said, "I've always had the right idea, almost from the first time I met you but..."

"Save your breath darling," Celeste said, "I think you're going to need it."

* * * * * * * *

They awoke in a rumpled bed smelling of their nighttime sexual activity. The revulsion Adrian had felt in the past with his bedtime companions was absent. He laid looking at her and seeing the look in his eyes Celeste said, "You couldn't, not again, it's been four ti...oh darling...ah...ah..."

It took about half and hour, but this was love not raw lust, and why hurry over love?

When finally they got out of bed to shower and breakfast they could see that they had all the time they could wish for. The rain had ceased and the sun was shining but the water was lapping at the base of the house veranda.

"I hope they don't send a boat to rescue us," Adrian murmured.

"You know," Celeste commented, "I haven't been here long enough to see it, but the older inhabitants say that although normally you can't see a single flower when it rains here the whole earth is a mass of flowers."

"That's strange," Adrian said, I found one."

"Did you, what did you do, paint it?"

"I tried but somehow I just couldn't get it right so I plucked it," Adrian replied.

Adrian never did finish the painting of Celeste, in fact it languishes to this day, leaning against the wall of his studio.

He has however painted other pictures of her, in the nude. They sell remarkably well in the city galleries, and some viewers get the feeling that they have seen Celeste somewhere before. The more knowledgeable will say, "She looks remarkably like Freyja in that Rackham painting." But then, Celeste does look like Rackham's Freyja.

Adrian and Celeste are getting married soon, and Adrian is wondering if portraits of pregnant Celeste will find a market.