A Forbidden Relationship

-- Austin

Thou hast driven me out...

I received his email late that night, almost into the wee hours of another day. I read it, sitting at the computer in the dark. A myriad of emotions overcame me as I tried to struggle with encountering Austin, the Priest, for the very first time. This was a side of him I'd never seen. I felt betrayed, abandoned, humiliated, deceived, stunned...but worst of all, I felt used. Scenes flitted erratically through my mind, images of things we'd done. I began to suspiciously doubt his sincerity where our relationship was concerned. He'd been too professional, I thought. Too suave. How had he so explicitly known about webcams and phone sex? How had he seemed to know more about sex toys than even I, a semi-expert? His letters had been perfectly contrived, almost to the point of being verses from some Shakespearean romantic tragedy. I wondered at the perfectness of the entire affair. Had Austin merely played a part in an elaborate scheme of his making? Had he seen me as weak and needy, an easy target? Perhaps, the most crushing blow was the thought that I was just one in a long line of many.

I'm not typically a mushy or romantic person. My stoic upbringing has always made it hard for me to express my feelings. But, my heart broke in that moment. I felt a physical pain inside my chest, a sense of loss, an emptiness, a void. I think about it now, and I wonder what I really felt for Austin, the man. The brevity of our fling surely contradicts the validity of my emotions. Surely, I couldn't have possibly fallen in love with him? Not in the span of a few months? The thought of that was absurd. And yet, as the hot, salty tears began to scald my cheeks, I wondered if I had.

I left my computer and curled fetal-position on the sofa. I wrapped my arms around my knees and tried to stop the torrid flow of emotion. In that moment, I wished I'd never met Austin, the man or the Priest.

I wanted more than anything to reverse the clock. Before knowing Austin, I was unhappy. That is true. But I also had no idea what I was missing. I didn't know about love letters, and virtual romantic massages that didn't require sex. I didn't know about being read to or silly off-tune nursery rhymes as a cure for insomnia. I had no idea I was beautiful first thing in the morning before my shower. And I'd never had anyone just stare at me for the pleasure of it, with words being unnecessary. I knew I'd never forget a man who watched Disney cartoons just because I recommended them, a man who bought raspberry lotion because that's my scent, a man who taught me that sex isn't all about the male's gratification, and a man who wasn't ashamed to cry.

I've spoken with Austin, the Priest, once since reading his heartbreaking letter. I simply wanted him to answer one question...Why? His explanation: He wasn't the person I'd met those few months ago. Supposedly, he was repressing the most important part of himself just to be with me. His answer was given with little emotion, recited almost in monotone.

The closing of our relationship gives me no satisfaction. Austin, the Priest, apologized to me.

My heart needs to hear it from Austin, the man.

I suppose I feel your absence much more intensely than you feel mine because I am alone. --Austin, Dec 28, 2003.