A Friend in Need

Over the next few weeks, the benefits of the psychotherapy became increasingly apparent: Little by little all traces of gloominess and timidity disappeared; Todd was visibly more at ease; he let his hair grow to luxuriant fullness; he became almost loquacious, and even began to join in conversations at the water cooler.

He still reacted badly to thunderstorms and other sudden noises, but he said the therapist had warned him that those things take a long time to abate.

Nightmares became a rarity, so it was a happy surprise to me that he still chose to sleep in my bed every night "just in case." He routinely put an arm around me, and during the night I always found him spooned up against me.

In addition, there was something new: At some point I would feel his lips on my neck. Were these stealth kisses?

One morning at breakfast, he made an announcement: "Shawn, staying here with you has done me a world of good. I can't thank you enough for putting up with all the drama, and especially for sharing your bed. You said not to apologize for anything, but I'm sorry for interrupting your sleep with my nightmares. Now I think it's time for me to stop disrupting your life. I'm going to try spending the night at home."

I was depressed at the prospect of his leaving. I realized that my feelings for him had gone far beyond attraction: I was in love with Todd. What mischievous demigod had decreed that I fall in love with a straight man, since there was nothing I could do about it?

While I tried to come up with something that might dissuade Todd from leaving, I asked: "Is that what the psychiatrist thinks you should do?"

Todd said it was not. "He refused to give me an opinion. He said that I need to decide when I'm ready or" he added with a grin, "that you're sick of me."

"Well I'm definitely not sick of you; not even close. I like having you here. But how do you feel about it? Do you think you're ready to go back home?"

"I'm not sure."

That gave me an idea: "Then how about using the guest room for a week or so first? That way you can make the change in stages, knowing that I'm nearby if you need help, or if you just need the ... contact."

"That's a terrific idea! Thank you."

=======

A week or so turned into three weeks. Every night he would start out in the guest room and I would lie awake listening for sounds of distress. If I heard a moan or a whimper I would wait anxiously, hoping to see Todd moving quietly toward me.

On the nights when he was able to stay on his own, I was glad for his progress but I missed him in my bed. Whenever he was not able, and ended up sleeping with me, I became increasingly sure that during the night I was not just feeling his lips against my neck: I was definitely being kissed.

I couldn't figure out what was going on.

Then one night there was a second kiss, below my ear. And a third, on my shoulder.

I turned and faced him.

"Shawn" he whispered, "I need to tell you something."

"What?"

"No one has ever treated me the way you do. I'm strong, and I know how to use my fists, so people expect me to protect them. It was that way even when I was growing up. I was the one who had to fight the bullies for everyone else. People tell me they feel safe when I'm around. My relatives, my friends, even my marine buddies. But with you it's just the opposite: You look after me. You push me when I need pushing, you soothe me when that's what I need. And you never ask me to make you feel safe, you make me feel safe."

'This must have been what he was mumbling that night.' "That has been my main purpose."

He chuckled. "And you yell at me when that's what I need. If anyone else yelled at me these days, I think I'd deck them, but with you it's alright. You're the first person I've been able to trust since I got back."

"That's a good start. And gradually you'll be able to trust other people."

His next words were a shock: "I love you, Shawn."

I would have liked to believe him; I would have liked it more than anything. But how could a straight man love a gay man? I was sure this was merely his way of expressing how grateful he was. "You don't have to say that" I replied.

"What?"

"You don't have to go that far."

He took his arm away. "What are you talking about?" he practically shouted, "I JUST TOLD YOU I love you!"

"You've told me often enough how grateful you are for my help. You didn't have to say you love me."

His only response was to turn away and say "I see. Ok, I get the message. I should have gotten it when you told me you were just a friend."

He went on speaking as he got out of bed: "The way you've been behaving toward me, I thought ... but I was mistaken. I'm sorry. Goodnight. I'll be in the guest room until morning, then I'll be out of your hair."

Finally I understood. "Todd" I began.

"Goodnight" he repeated

"Todd."

No reply. He left.

I didn't get much sleep that night: The same thoughts kept running through my mind over and over: 'How could I have screwed this up so badly? I love him, why couldn't I accept his declaration of love for me? Why can't a straight man love a gay man?'

=====

After blearily putting the coffee on to brew the next morning, I turned and saw Todd standing a few feet away. He was fully dressed and carrying his clothes from the previous day. He looked like he hadn't slept well either. "Thanks for everything" he said, and turned to leave.

"Todd" I said, "I need to explain about last night. I..."

"No you don't" he answered as he walked toward the door.

I pressed on: "There's something I have to tell you."

He turned to face me. "You told me last night, and it won't make any difference if you say it in different words. You were right about one thing, I am grateful, more grateful than you know. Thanks for everything."

I should have heard anger in his voice, but what I heard was sadness, the same sadness I could see in his eyes, the same sadness I was feeling. "Please Todd" I begged. "Won't you just..."

He cut me off. "I'm sorry. I can't..."

I rushed across the space that separated us and took hold of his arm, but he pulled away and continued toward the door.

I was determined. "Dammit Todd, Can't you see that I'm trying to tell you I love you TOO?"

He stopped, but he didn't turn around.

I grasped at the opportunity: "It's why that first evening when I saw you so gripped by fear and struggling against the need to cry, it tore at my heart; I felt like crying. It's why when you fell asleep in my arms I sat and held you instead of just putting you down on the couch. It's why I keep encouraging you to stay here. Because I love you, dammit!"

He turned. "Did you really mean all that?"

During my explanation, I had been edging closer to him. Now I grabbed him and gave him a kiss that he would not soon forget. "I really meant it."

Tears filled his eyes, but they were tears of joy. "I guess you did." He threw his arms around me and covered my mouth with his as if he intended to devour me.

For several minutes we remained locked in a passionate embrace.

"So" I said breathlessly when we finally separated, "what would you like for breakfast?"

=====

That night as we lay in bed, I looked into those captivating green eyes and mused: "To think I almost lost you by making an unwarranted assumption."

"And I made things worse by refusing to listen when you tried to explain" he pointed out. "But luckily for me, you didn't give up. You forced me to listen."

"I couldn't bear to see you leave without telling you how I felt" I told him.

He looked at me tenderly. "I don't know what I would have done if you had let me go. I've never been in love with a man before. I've never loved anyone before as much as I love you."

"Neither have I. If you had walked out the door this morning I would have hounded you until you let me say what I hadn't known enough to say last night."

For a few minutes we just lay there basking in each other's closeness. Then suddenly Todd asked: "Do you want to make love to me?"

I was astonished! Kissing me was one thing, but this? I hoisted up onto an elbow. "Todd, I didn't know! I thought you were straight!"

"I am, but that doesn't mean I can't love you. There are all kinds of love. Straight men can love other men. I loved most of my marine buddies ... the ones that weren't assholes."

I burst out laughing, and he realized the unintentional double entendre. That made him laugh too before he continued:

"I'm sure that most gay men can love women. You said you love your sister."

"That's different. She's a relative."

"Suppose you found out tomorrow that she was adopted. Would you not love her anymore?"

I had never thought about it. "I see your point."

"Well I love you, and I want to give you pleasure. Will you make love to me?"

"It's a generous offer, and the answer is no."

"Why not? Aren't you attracted to me anymore? A few weeks ago you said you were tempted to seduce me."

"You have no idea how strongly attracted I am."

"Then why are you saying no?"

"Because I love you and I can't have you suffer through something that's against your nature just to satisfy my lust. I wouldn't enjoy it. In fact I would feel awful."

"I won't be suffering; I'll be happy that I'm doing it for you."

"It's painful for the ... bottom partner, and you can't very well top because contemplating another man's butt wouldn't exactly be a turn-on. You wouldn't be able to get it up."

"I want to be the bottom partner. Why is it painful? Don't you use a lubricant?"

"Yes, but it still hurts, especially in the beginning."

"You mean the first time?"

"I mean in the beginning every time."

"Then why do people do it?"

"That's hard to explain. If a person is sufficiently ... aroused, he's able to get past the pain. Then both partners share in the pleasure."

"I want to try it. I promise to tell you if it's too painful. Please Shawn, let me do this."

I fought an internal battle between desire and concern. I needed time. "Ok" I said, "but I want you to give it a lot of thought first, so you don't end up regretting it. If you feel the same way in, say, a month, we'll do it. But tonight, let me do something that will give you pleasure."

As he began to protest I kissed him, starting at his mouth. Then I traced a downward path along his chin, his neck, his chest, and his belly, until I got to the waistband of his briefs.

I stopped and looked up at him. He was gazing down at me with a mixture of surprise, interest, and anxiety. "Trust me" I said, " and relax."

After taking a moment to appreciate the bulge at the front of his briefs, I pulled the waistband down.

His penis did not lay limply on those smooth, round testicles, though it was far from erect. I took it in my mouth and caressed it with my tongue, relishing its suppleness, its warmth, and its flavor. It began to grow and harden. I encouraged that with more tongue action, concentrating on the underside of the shaft and the groove in back of the crown.

Soon, my mouth was holding a stiff tube of flesh, and the slit in its mushroom head had begun to ooze a clear thick liquid that signaled the increasing tension in his loins. I licked it up and felt the penis twitch slightly.

I started bringing Todd's penis almost all the way out and then sliding it all the way back in, sucking every time I felt the tip touch the back of my throat. His breathing became more rapid, and he gasped "Oh, Shawn. Oh, Shawn."

I cupped his testicles and ran a thumb lightly along the plump orbs, eliciting increasingly ecstatic sounds.

Suddenly he yelled "Shawn, I'm gonnA..."

I put up a dismissive hand and didn't stop what I was doing.

A moment later I felt his penis twitch and begin to fill my mouth. I swallowed, and kept sucking until the spurts weakened to a dribble.

When it was over, he said "My god, that was fantastic!"

I had to finish swallowing before I could answer. "Good."

I thought he would now fall asleep, but instead he flopped over on his stomach, spread his legs, and announced: "My turn to do something for you."

I didn't move. Looking at that breathtaking behind, I was consumed with lust. But I didn't want him to rush into anything. "Todd, we should wait..." I began.

He stopped me: "Please, Shawn, I want to do this. I want to do it tonight. Now."

"I don't know. The pain..."

"I'm a marine, remember? I can take it."

I looked at him for a long time, and then said: "Alright, but not tonight."

"Then when?"

"Soon. I promise. But I need to do some things that will prepare you and make it ... easier. We're going to go slow and do it right."

He grumbled a bit, but he agreed.

My goal was not only to get him used to being penetrated, but also to make sure that he could tolerate being stretched as far as the width of my fat penis requires. I took several days to do it. The first night I used a finger, the second night I substituted a thin dildo, and after that I used dildos of progressively increasing size, acclimatizing him, teaching him to relax the appropriate muscles. I was careful to be as gentle as possible, but each time I inserted a wider dildo I heard him attempting to conceal a groan of distress. I always offered to stop, but he always responded: "No, keep going."

I concluded his preparation with a dildo slightly wider than my penis, and when he accepted it without flinching I told him that he was now ready. Picking up a cushion, I instructed: "Raise your hips" and explained "This will make it easier."

I stood back and looked at Todd draped over the cushion with his bare bottom provocatively aloft. My penis had come to attention as I was arranging him, and it reacted to the sight by producing a single transparent liquid pearl, followed by a thin, clear strand that slowly descended from the tip.

I quickly squeezed some lube onto a finger, spread the cheeks of Todd's shapely rear end, and with the greased finger I massaged the lube onto the rim of his puckered hole, making sure I coated it thoroughly. Then I pushed the finger a little way in and rotated it to coat the soft entrance.

When Todd saw me begin to pull a condom on, he said "Don't use that."

As tempting as going bareback was, I resisted the idea. "Todd, it would be unwise not to use a condom. I'm careful and I get tested regularly, but that doesn't eliminate all possible risk. I would never forgive myself if..."

"I don't want anything between us. I want us both to feel everything."

I tried to dissuade him but he wouldn't budge.

I gave in.

I kissed his shoulder. "You're an infatuated fool. And I love you."

I smeared a thick coating of lube onto my rock-hard shaft. Then I put the head against his pucker and pushed in slowly, watching for signs of pain, planning to stop for a full minute if I saw even the hint of a grimace.

But he took it like a trooper. I didn't see more than a slight wince as I pushed into his rectum, and my offer to pause was dismissed with an insistent: "No. Keep going."

I slid my hands under him and pushed in further, my delight increased by the satiny feel of what I was moving through.

Having passed beyond his sphincter, I was able to glide smoothly all the way in until my hips were pushing against his cheeks.

I stayed there, in a blissful haze at the combined sensation of those resilient hummocks cushioning my hips, and Todd's grip on my rigid shaft while his rectum bathed my penis in its heat.

I waited a minute before sliding out most of the way and then pulling him toward me, bringing me back in all the way until I once again felt those pliant cheeks.

I started a regular rhythm, maintaining a voluptuously slow pace, enthralled by the grip of his sphincter and the heat of his rectum.

After a few strokes I asked "How are you doing?"

"I'm fine. It feels good. I didn't think that would happen. You can speed up if you want."

"Not yet. This is too good to hurry. I want it to give you as much pleasure as it's giving me."

"It is giving me pleasure" he replied, "and what's even better is that I can hear how happy it's making you."

I hadn't realized that I was making any sound.

I continued to pump in and out, building toward climax.

Suddenly Todd yelled: "Wow!"

"That's your sweet spot" I informed him. "It's your prostate gland. I've been trying to hit it just right."

"You sure did that time."

A few strokes later I must have hit it again, because he let out another jubilant "Wow!"

Now knowing exactly how to move, I speeded up.

Soon I experienced the telltale preliminary electric thrill and then felt the flow as I pumped my semen deep into Todd's hot rectum.

When it ended I stayed on top of him, luxuriating in the afterglow, until my penis began to wilt and I slipped out.

"Stay there a minute" I directed, as I got up and retrieved a tube from my bedside table.

I squeezed some salve onto a finger and rubbed it around the rim of his pucker. Then I squeezed some directly onto the center and used the finger to push it inside and work it around.

As I massaged the salve inside Todd, he asked "Is that more lube? Are you going to come in again?"

"No, it's a local anesthetic" I told him. "You're going to be sore. This will reduce the discomfort."

I put the tube back on the table and wiped my finger. Then I got back onto bed and lay down next to Todd. Only then did I think to ask him: "Did you cum while I was inside you? I was hoping to feel you squeezing my dick as you came."

"I was close."

"Close isn't acceptable" I said, and flipped him over onto his back.

He was still fully erect. "Raise your knees" I commanded.

When Todd had done that, I reached down, snaked my middle finger into his cleft, teasingly slithered it around the rim of his salve-slicked pucker a few times, and then pushed it deep inside.

Todd winced, but he remained hard.

I slid my mouth over his erect penis, taking in its entire length. Then, as I worked it in and out I used my inserted finger to press rhythmically on his sweet spot while using my thumb to massage the area in back of those smooth balls.

His squirms and excited cries made it clear that I was driving him wild. Indeed, within a minute my mouth was deluged by powerful jets of his warm, slippery cum.

When the ejaculation was finished, he fought to get his breath back as he gasped "That was magnificent!"

"I liked it too" I told him, smiling and licking up a white glob from the corner of my mouth.

After that, we lay together on our backs, dozing on and off.

I was half asleep when I heard Todd say: "Shawn?"

"Mm?"

"You're not harmless."

That jolted me wide awake. I sat up. "Where did that come from?"

There was a mischievous grin on his face. "That first night, when you invited me into your bed? You said you're harmless. You're not harmless, you're insidious."

"What?"

"I'm a straight man who was minding his own business, when you came along. You saved my life, but you made me fall in love with you. That was unfair."

I rolled on top of him and pinned his arms above his head. Smiling down at him, I said "You're evil, you know that? Trying to make me feel guilty because you love me almost as much as I love you? I'll have none of that."

I began kissing all over his face, demanding after every kiss that he admit I'm not insidious. I kept it up until he was laughing uncontrollably and yelled "Ok, ok! I give up! You're not insidious!"

"Say you're sorry!" I now added to my demand, continuing to kiss him.