A Game of Basketball Pt. 08

This goes on for the rest of the game. They're tearing each other apart. No one passes the ball to Nicole. Coach is screaming at them to run the plays, but instead, they continue to dig themselves into a deeper and deeper hole.

It's hard to watch.

Going into the fourth quarter, they're down by twenty. A lot of the fans have started to leave. Coach benches most of the starters, including Nicole. I can tell she's given up and on the verge of tears.

Part of me wishes I could be there to comfort her. The other part of me just wants to walk away. I do the only thing I can do and leave.

My mom is home by the time I get back. She looks up at me with surprise as I walk in the door. "Did you go to the game?"

"Yeah, it wasn't pretty."

"Of course not, they're missing their leader," she says.

"Mom, I can't... I just... It doesn't feel right anymore."

She walks up to me and takes my face in her hands. "Of course it doesn't. It'll take time before it feels right. Your grandfather died when I was your age. It felt like... Well, it felt like it feels now. As if the world is ending."

"Did it ever get any better?"

"Yes, as time past. It did get better. The hole my father left was never completely filled, but the sting of his death became bearable," she says. "Time heals all wounds. You just have to endure the pain."

--

Down at Santa Barbara for the Funeral

Emily drove mom and I back down to Santa Barbara Saturday morning. It was so strange driving back after the tournament. The memories of the last time I spoke with both Zach and my dad are fresh in my mind.

The sun was blocked out by clouds as if they owned the sky, which only added to my despair. It's as if the outside world mirrored the hopelessness that I'm drowning in.

Once we arrived back at Santa Barbara, we checked into the hotel and then went out to our old home.

The house was packed with people. I see the kid Zach was with at the game. What was his name... Don? Yeah, that's it! Don Goldsmith.

He spots me as we make our way up to the house. "I'm sorry, man. I can't imagine what you're going through."

"Thanks, it's good to know Zach had friends. I just wish I could have been there for him."

"Yeah, I know whatcha mean," he says as his gaze turns to my mom. "You must be Zach's mom. I'm Don."

"It's nice to meet you, Don. Any friend of Zach's is a friend of mine."

We make our way into the house. There's a lot of people I don't recognize and some that I do.

A lot of people have brought a dish to pass around. "David," I turn around to see my grandmother Aimee walking up to me. My dad's mother. She's got tears in her eyes as she pulls me in for a hug. "It's been way too long since I've seen you, my dear. I love you so much."

"I love you too, grandma."

She grabs my arms and looks me over. "Boy have you grown. Look at you, you're almost a spitting image of Tim when he was your age."

She looks past me and her smile disappears. "Abby..."

"Aimee..." my mother says quite sternly.

"It's sad how things turned out between you and Tim... I can't say it was for the best."

"I wanted more than anything for things to work out, but... some things can't be fixed," my mother says.

"Dave! My god, you've grown! Not as much as Brett, but still. Look at you," My grandpa says.

"It's good to see you, Grandpa Ryan." He pulls me into a hug. I've always loved being around the man. He's always so cheerful, the complete opposite of my dad. My Aunt Susan was a lot like him before she passed away.

"I saw you play in that tournament. You played like a champion!"

"But, I got ejected against Santa Barbara which made us lose..."

"It happens. Siblings will fight. You never met my older brother Luke. He could be a downright asshole sometimes. We fought like crazy. Even in the middle of school. He's the reason we almost got expelled," he laughs.

He looks up and sees my mom. "Abby! How are you holding up?"

"I'm doing okay, how about you?" she asks.

"You know me, I'm just going to keep on, keeping on despite it all."

"It still amazes me how you can stay so positive after all that's happened," my mother says.

"Because I know that even after their bodies have deceased, they're still here." He points to his chest and then his head. "They'll always be here, in our hearts and minds with all the good memories and the bad. It's okay to mourn for their death, but you also have to celebrate their life. Take the good and the bad."

"Huhh, I needed to hear that, thank you, Ryan."

I give my grandparents another hug before slipping off. I head upstairs to find my old room. Opening up the door it feels like I went back in time. My room's exactly the same as I left it.

Posters of all the greatest basketball players lined the walls. My desk still sits in the corner with a stack of papers on it. I plop a squat on the bed and take it all in.

"I figured it was you." I look up to see Brett in the doorway.

"Can we just not do this today," I ask.

"Don't worry... I don't really see the point anymore..." he says as he walks in and takes a seat at my desk.

"You know... I was up at Grandma Maisie's last weekend before it all went to shit... Jessica and I were sitting on the back patio reminiscing about the good ole days in the backwoods. Especially the time when Zach fell from that tree and broke his arm," I say.

"Ha, and we had to carry his blubbering ass all the way back to the house," Brett laughs.

I look up at him. "When did things go so wrong?"

"I don't know... Maybe that's how things are supposed to be," he says.

"If that's the case, then why the fuck are we here?"

"Ha, do you honestly think I know?"

"Brett... I'm sorry for leaving you guys... I just..."

"Don't! What's done is done... And, I shouldn't have been such an ass last weekend. I was just... I was so angry with you and Kevin..."

"What's done is done... right?"

He laughs. "I guess so... Hey, what are you doing tonight?"

"Fuck if I know."

"Want to stay here tonight, crack open a bottle of booze and drink our sorrows away?"

"Why the fuck not?"

"Honey?" I hear my mom call out as she climbs the stairs. She walks in, sees Brett and loses herself as tears start to fall.

"Mom," he says as he stands up and pulls her into a hug.

"I've missed you so much."

"I've missed you too, mom."

Is Brett actually crying? I don't think I've ever seen him shed a tear.

She grabs his shoulders and looks into his eyes. "If you need anything, anything at all, please don't be afraid to ask."

"It's all good, mom. I think I'll be alright."

"Why don't you both come downstairs and get something to eat."

"Alright, we're coming," I tell her.

After we eat, a lot of people I don't know come up to me and try to console me or whatever. Like they have any idea of what I'm going through. Uncle Dave, Aunt Shauna, Jess, and Grandma Maisie show up.

Brett, Jess, and I sneak out the back door for some fresh air.

"You know, I really didn't mean anything by the things I said to Kevin," Brett says as he opens up the shed.

"She goes by Nicole now," I state.

"Right... I just wanted to say I'm sorry..." He says.

"You should probably tell her that," I tell him.

"Right. I would have never picked Kevin for a..."

"For a what?" Jess asks. "A girl?"

"Right..." he says. "I'm sorry Jess."

He pulls out a bottle of whiskey hidden away.

"Dad might have thrown out all his booze after he got sober, but luckily I managed to snag a few of them."

"I thought you would have drunk it all by now," I say to him.

"It definitely wasn't for the lack of effort." He pops open the bottle and takes a swig before handing it to me.

I take a pull and offer it to Jess.

She looks at the both of us and shrugs, grabbing the bottle she takes a sip and immediately goes into a coughing fit. "Gross!"

"The more you drink the better it tastes," Brett says, taking the bottle from Jess. Then he turns to me. "So, how is Ke... Nicole doing?"

"I don't know... We haven't really been speaking to each other. Or at least I haven't really been speaking to her."

"Why not?" He asks. "I thought you two were like a thing or something."

"Well, first of all, she never told me the truth about the fact that she was Kevin before she transitioned. And after Zach and dad died, I just needed space."

"Well, I'm sure he... She's probably just afraid of how you'd react. You did kind of blame him for everything. And of course, we treated like shit after he... she came out. Which I really regret," he says.

"Never thought you'd be the one to be the voice of reason."

"Neither did I."

"You should talk to her," Jess says.

"I'm surprised she isn't here," Brett says. "Zach was just as much her friend as she was ours, well she obviously favored you out of all of us."

"I told her not to come."

"Ouch..."

"Yo Brett! You in there?" Arthur Johnson pops his head in the shed. Behind him are Chris Smith, Shaun Goodman, Steven Ban and the rest of the team.

"Hey, guys," Brett says as he takes another pull and hands me the bottle. "Thanks for coming."

"We couldn't leave a fellow teammate like this," Arthur says as they all give Brett their condolences.

"Dave, it's been a long time," Chris says. "Sorry about Zach and your dad. Also about the game, last weekend. I would have rather played against you at your best."

"It's all good, what's done is done." Brett laughs at my choice of words. I take a pull and hand Chris the bottle. "We'll get another chance to face off at the State title."

"For sure," he says.

Steven comes up to me and offers his hand. I take it and embrace him. "I'm sorry man, I know what you guys are going through."

"I appreciate it, man." I remember going to the funeral service when his dad died during his service in the military.

"I got to say it's a little weird having drinks with the team that just kicked my ass."

They all laugh. "Maybe if you weren't busy getting ejected, you might have won," Arthur says.

"It's funny nothing's really changed between the two of you," Chris says. "Remember the time you guys went to blows during practice in middle school? Coach had you both running stairs for the rest of practice."

"Ha, yeah and the next day they were thick as thieves," Arthur says.

"That's how they always are," Jess says. "Whenever we were at grandma's house together, she'd have to give them their own separate rooms or else they'd be up all night bickering."

"Yeah, I'd always end up getting stuck with Zach. That kid would snore louder than anyone I knew," I add.

"Ha, yeah you could hear him through the walls," Brett says.

The bottle gets passed around some more until it reaches me again.

"Man, you guys remember when we all got detention for that massive food fight back in middle school?" Brett asks.

"Yeah, you were the one who started it," I add.

"Because you wouldn't share. You took the last chicken basket," he retorts.

"Then you tried to chuck your applesauce at me and missed, hitting that douchebag Jason Bosman."

"Yeah! I remember that!" Arthur says. "He didn't even know who hit him. He just whipped his pudding and nailed Kevin. Kevin chucked his applesauce at him, spraying half the other table with it. After that, everyone started throwing food at each other."

"It was an all-out war," Chris adds. "By the way, how is Kevin doing?"

"She goes by Nicole now," Brett says.

"That's fucking weird," Arthur says.

"Not really, if you spent more than a day with her, you'd know without a doubt that she was always supposed to be a girl," I add. "I didn't even know she was Kevin until you assholes pointed it out."

"I said I was sorry," Brett says.

"It's cool, I'm just a little fucked up right now." I take another pull and hand the bottle to Jess, she takes a sip and hands it to Brett.

"Yeah... You and me both," Brett says.

"Hey, when you see Kev... I mean Nicole next, can you tell her we're sorry for... Being straight up assholes to her," Arthur says. "After she came out, we treated her like shit."

"Yeah, I think she'd appreciate that."

Eventually, everyone left, but Brett and I. I told my mom I was going to stay. She and Emily went back to the hotel. But she did feel a little skeptical about leaving Brett and me by ourselves. I assured her that we were going to be alright. Grandma and Grandpa Marshall also left for their hotel along with the Graceson's. Aunt Shauna and Uncle Dave were pretty angry when they smelt the alcohol on Jess's breathe, but Grandma Maisie told them to relax. She told them, after all, we've been through, a couple of drinks couldn't do any do any more harm.

Brett and I stayed out on the patio with another bottle of liquor. Sharing stories about the three of us getting into all sorts of trouble growing up.

"Thanks, Brett... I needed this," I tell him.

"So did I, these last couple of years I've been so angry. Half the time I don't even know why." He takes another pull from the bottle. "When dad called while they were on that plane. Everything that made me so angry, just... It all just faded away."

He looks up at me with eyes full of tears. "I should have been on that plane... I should have been with them. I was just so angry. Angry at you and Kev... Nicole for leaving. Angry at dad for pushing you guys away. Instead of going with them to our grandparents, I skipped out."

I grab the bottle from him and took a big swig from it. "I'm glad you weren't on that plane. You would have died with them. Then I would be here drinking by myself."

I hand him the bottle.

"Ha, yeah... Wouldn't want that," he says taking a long pull from it.

The Funeral on Sunday

It down poured for the funeral. The ceremony was held at the school auditorium. I was asked to speak, but I couldn't. I just couldn't find the strength to speak about them in front of all these strangers.

It was a closed casket. The bodies were too far gone. Practically incinerated by the crash.

I just wish I could see them one more time. To tell my father that I forgive him. I can't believe they're gone. It's not fair.

I just wish I could have saved them. Why couldn't I have the power to save them?

Her words... The mysterious woman in my dreams. Her words ring through my mind. "Speak your name and claim your power."

I have spoken my name. Many times over! Why don't I have that power?

--

After the funeral, we stayed and visited for a little bit before saying our goodbyes.

"So, is everything good between us?" I ask Brett.

"Yeah... but come time for the championship, don't expect me to be your friend," he says.

"Friends today, enemies tomorrow," I laugh.

"Even though we're siblings, we'll always be rivals," he says jokingly.

"I guess, I'll see you at the state finals."

"You better be there."

Home

The drive home is a long one.

"So are you going to talk Nicole when we get back?" my mom asks.

"Eventually, I just... I just need time to process this all. Besides, it's just so hard to get over the fact that she lied to me."

"Honey, after all, that's happened I'm surprised you still can't forgive her," my mom asks.

"You didn't necessarily make it easy for her to tell the truth, did you?" Emily asks.

Thinking back, she's right. Every chance I got, I bashed Kevin. Even though most of the time my teammates were the ones to bring it up, I was the one that should've stopped it, but I just added to the fire. No wonder she never told me the truth. And I told her I would never hurt her and yet here I am being the one causing her pain.

It's not like I had no part in how things ended in Santa Barbara, and yet Kevin or Nicole was the one who was willing to forget the past and move forward.

She was my best friend, why couldn't I move forward?

I need time to think this over.

Monday Morning

I actually managed to get out of bed and go for a run Monday morning. Afterward, I went down to the basketball court and shot around. It just didn't feel the same.

The reason why I worked so hard had been shattered.

How do I find the strength to play without a reason why?

Nicole hasn't texted or called since Friday.

Tuesday/Wednesday

Tuesday was more of the same. The team has their second game since Santa Barbara tonight. I'm not sure I can go and watch them destroy themselves. It's too hard to watch.

As Wednesday finally arrived, it felt weird to go to school, after all, that's happened, but walking through the doors was almost refreshing.

People started to whisper as soon as they see me. A few came up to me and gave me their condolences. Everyone heard what happened on the news.

And now all eyes followed me as I made my way to class. All I want to do is go home and bury myself in the darkness of my room.

The bell rang, but I wasn't in a hurry to get to class.

Instead, I made my way into the bathroom. Looking at myself in the mirror for the first time in what felt like forever, Nicole was right, I do look like shit. I don't even recognize myself.

I splash water on my face, desperately trying to wake myself up from this nightmare.

If we all die at the end, what's the point in even trying?

I feel like nothing I do will make a difference.

The second bell rings. I should just go home. Just walk out right now and retreat back to the safety of my room.

What am I saying? The old me wouldn't have given up this easily.

How far have I fallen?

I've got to wake up! Come on Dave, pull yourself out of this bottomless pit before you die down there. Zach would be so disappointed in me if he saw me like this.

I need to move forward and let go of the past.

I put myself back together and then make my way to class. The entire room goes silent as I step in. My gaze falls on Nicole as she looks up at me. I can see the pain in her eyes.

The seat next to her was left vacant, my seat. "It's nice to have you back, Dave," Emily says. "Why don't you take a seat."

I give her a nod and sit down next to Nicole.

The air between us is thick with tension.

I want to say something to her, but I don't know what.

I don't know whether I should apologize or forgive her.

I'm lost in my own conscience. I feel like I'm drowning in my thoughts. The entire class I can't stop thinking about her. About what we had together. The history we shared. The cracks in my heart bleed for her and yet I can't find the words to say that will make all of the pain go away.

I guess it's better to say nothing at all.

I don't think the pain will ever go away no matter what I say.

These thoughts spiral out of control until I feel sick to my stomach. When the bell finally rings, I rush out the door. I head to the office and tell them I'm feeling sick. I head home for the day and hide in the darkness of my room, burying my face in my pillow.

Why does life hurt like this?

God, I'm losing my mind.

I try to fight through the pain, but no matter what I do it won't disappear.

I hear a knock at the door. I look at the clock and it reads 3:30 PM. Oh, god. It's Nicole...

I should speak to her. She deserves that much.

Opening the door, I'm surprised to see Anna's face.

"Hey, how are you feeling?" she asks.

"I'm fine..."

"You don't look fine. We're all worried sick about you, especially Nicole."

"How is she?" I ask.

"She feels awful about what happened. She tried so many times to tell you the truth. And now the team treats her like crap. She needs you, Dave."

"I don't know what I can do, Anna. I can't even save myself."

"Come to the dance with her."

"I don't know if I can..."

"Just think about it, okay? She'll be there waiting for you." With that, Anna walks away.