A God Called Bruce Pt. 01

The breakfast, when it came, was cooked to perfection. She had made the same for herself. I complimented her on her cooking and asked why she had not just conjured it up.

"I love cooking. The smells, the tasting, the feel of the ingredients and then the final product, it's an adventure for me. I don't get to do it often. Bruce likes his barbeques. He does that himself, Lil is never there, she is always flitting around somewhere and dinner parties are rare where we live. Most Gods just conjure stuff up, especially for the big official banquets. We only eat for fun really, we don't need food to survive."

"Tell me Marge, why I am I all of a sudden so favoured by the Gods?"

"Because you are not scared of us. When Lil first came to see you, you got her to strip for you, when Bruce tried to play the angry father you spoiled his game by giving him a beer before he had a chance to say anything and when I was about to tear strips off you, you gave me a hug and a kiss and left me flabbergasted. No one, not a single human in history, has ever had the audacity to treat us as if we were equals. You are the talk of Olympus. I think you'll have quite a few Gods popping in from now on, just to see for themselves that cheeky, but nevertheless polite and inoffensive human. You are a star."

"So what happens now?"

"Now you and I will figure out a way for us to have a nookie."

"As much as I would like to, we can't do that."

"Why on Earth not?"

"It wouldn't be right. It would be immoral. I could not do this to Bruce or Lil, however much I fancy you."

"We are Gods. There are no moral restraints on us. Bruce couldn't give a shit if you rooted me in front of him and Lil would love a threesome."

"I thought old Zeus was making a moral ruling when he put a hex on you guys."

"No this had nothing to do with morals. It had to do with making too many babies. There were far too many Demigods around. Besides, it was Hera who demanded that, the hypocrite bitch. The queers don't come under that hex. She has been licking slit all along and is still doing it. The rest of us haven't been able to screw humans for over a thousand years. No one has been able to figure out a way around it, least of all Zeus. If you can find a way, he'll make you a Demigod or a God even, for sure."

"What makes you think I can solve something the Gods have failed at?"

"Because you are such an irreverent prick. You don't take no for an answer and you are smart. You look at things differently to us. The Gods are too close to the problem."

"Tell me, is there a way for a human to get into Olympus?"

"There used to be. When we had still Demigods they had a gate through which they could enter to see their parent. There aren't any Demigods any more, because they were mortal and the hex has been on for so long, they are all dead now. The gate should still be there though."

"Can you find out?"

"Sure I can, but why?"

"I remember something Bruce said. He said something like if you are trying to have sex with a human you get whisked off the human plane so it can't happen. If that is all there is to it, it strikes me, that if a human can get into Olympus he can screw around, unaffected by the hex."

"I knew it. You're a genius. That has to be it. I'll go straight to Zeus and ask him how the gate works. There is one condition I must insist on if I am to take you to Olympus."

"And what is that?"

"You must screw me the moment we get to the other side. I want to be the first to screw a human in over a thousand years. It will do my prestige a world of good over there. I want to stick it right up that bitch Hera."

"Assuming this works, won't she just get Zeus to plug that hole the moment she finds out?"

"Not in a million years. Zeus has had a thousand years to regret having given in to her. She has paraded her dykes in front of him just to show how clever she is. He'll never fall into that trap again. Oh, this will be such fun."

"Hera will be mightily pissed off at me though. I am not sure I can handle that."

"Don't worry, I'll make a deal with Zeus, she won't be able to get at you. Besides, you will have a lot of support from the other Gods. Have yourself a beer. I will go to book an audience with Zeus, then I will make you a meal you will remember for years to come. Any special wishes?"

"A dozen Sydney rock oysters for starters, Lobster Thermidore on a bed of rice, chicorée salad with a Roquefort dressing, selected vintage cheeses, strawberries flambé for afters. Drinks: Pernod, ice and water as aperitive, a good Chardonnay with the meal, Cognac and coffee afterwards. Is that too much?"

"Very nice. I approve. I will have the same. Alright lover, see you for lunch." With that she vanished.

I took her advice and got myself a beer.

Chapter 4: Marge drops me in the shit

Marge had only been gone for a few minutes when Lil and Bruce turned up. I gave Bruce a beer. Lil wanted a glass of wine so I got her one from my newly acquired wine cellar.

"I see mum has been here." Lil had followed me into the house when I went for her wine and noticed the transformation. Bruce overheard what Lil was saying and came inside. He inspected the whole house. It was obvious he didn't like it.

"That's exactly what she did to my joint." he said after we were all seated outside again. "I had her put it all back the way it was. I don't want to live in a poofter place. At least she had the good sense not to touch the back yard. Anyway, where is she?"

"She's gone off to make an appointment with Zeus."

"What's she going to see this arsehole for?" Bruce evidently did not like this idea.

"To get some information and his approval for my plan to get around the hex."

"You figured out a way to get around the hex?" Lil was overawed, it showed on her face. Even Bruce had stopped dead in his tracks.

"I think so, but there is a price you guys might not like."

"What price?"

"The moment the barrier is circumvented I'm supposed to screw Marge. She wants to be the first to screw a human after that long dry spell."

"That sounds like my mum," said Lil.

"Put a couple of strokes in for me while you're at it," said Bruce.

"You guys don't mind me shagging Marge?"

"Nah, go for it, as long as you shag me next." Lil was getting wet at the idea. I could smell it. "Do you reckon you can really pull this off?"

"I think so. We'll just have to wait and see."

Lil's glass was empty so I went into the kitchen to get her some more wine. She followed me again. When I was rummaging around in the fridge to get her wine and some beer for Bruce and myself Lil was standing very close behind me. Too close in fact. She was well into what Marge had called the vapour-zone, she should have been fading by now. When she turned around I touched her hair very lightly so she wouldn't notice. Nothing happened.

We left the kitchen and went back to the veranda. I pretended to stumble and bumped into Lil. Poof – she was gone, just like her mother a few days ago.

"Sorry Darling," I yelled into the air. "I didn't mean for this to happen."

"That's alright Sweetheart, see you tomorrow," said the disembodied voice.

"Good riddance," said Bruce, "now we can go on the piss."

"No, we can't. Marge is coming back here to cook lunch."

"Shit, I would have liked a quiet drink with you. These tarts spoil everything."

"Tell me Bruce, You have seen what Marge did to my house."

"Yeah, so what?"

"How did she do that? I mean, the inside of the house is so much larger than the outside, where did this space come from?"

"She had to get it from somewhere else. You see, even we Gods can't make something out of nothing. It also would have to be a space from another dimension. If it had been taken from this reality your house would have exploded like an overfilled balloon."

"Makes sense. Could it be that this space originated on Olympus?"

"Let me check."

Bruce went into the house doing I don't know what. After five minutes he came back.

"Yep, that's where she got it from alright."

"So when I am inside I am really on Olympus?"

"In a manner of speaking, yes. "

"What happened to my old house then?"

"It's still there. In its own space, where it always was." He rummaged around in his pockets and gave me a small medal on a chain. It was a simple plain disk, red on one side, green on the other. " When you rub the green side you are in your old house, when you rub the red you are in the Marge version. It's really handy if you want to disappear. You see, while you are in the house that Marge built you are quite invisible to people on the human plane. You have to rub the green side for them to see you on their level of existence."

Bruce got up. "Anyway, have fun, I don't want to be here when that bitch arrives. If you get it together, give her a really good root. You would be doing a lot of people a favour. She might actually be fun to be with again. That is if her box hasn't grown shut through neglect. Use a fucking jackhammer if nothing else works."

Bruce laughed at his own joke for an instant and vanished.

First I tried Bruce's medal. I worked just as he had said it would. It was a really weird feeling to flip from one reality to another. Before I could get lost in that feeling of power it brought with it I got myself another beer. I had some serious thinking to do.

The Gods aren't all that smart, I figured; in fact they are quite thick. They had been complaining for over a thousand years about Zeus' hex and could have circumvented it easily, if they had thought it through. No wonder the world is in such a mess. The Gods that govern it have too much power and too few brains.

If I wanted to, I could grab Marge when she got back, take her upstairs and fuck her brains out, but that would not be a good idea. She would just grab me for herself probably put a hex on my house so other Gods couldn't go inside and I would never get to see Olympus or get to talk to Zeus. If she found out what I knew now I would become little more than a personal stud. The moment she was sick of me she would take everything away and do the same thing with someone else. She had told me herself the Gods had no morals.

Once I knew how to get access to Olympus it would be a different story. I could make my own arrangements, form my own alliances. I had a few ideas I wanted to put to Zeus that would make me indispensable. For now I had to stay out of the house when Marge was here, lest I bump into her accidentally and she'd cotton on to my secret. The big question was, could she read my mind and find out anyway. I had to check this out.

"Hello Darling, I'm home. Did you miss me?" Marge materialised in the kitchen.

Shit, now she thinks my place is home for her. Groan. Staking out territory the bitch.

"Of course I missed you. I had to masturbate three times to cope with the stress," I lied.

"Really?"

"Yes." I lied again.

"Oh, that is so sweet of you. That makes me soooooo happy."

Well, there are limits to what the Gods can do. They can't read minds. Handy to know that. I can lie to the bastards and they won't know the difference. I knew I would need that some day.

I didn't want to go into the kitchen to get a beer so I got one from the cartons Bruce had left days ago. It was ice cold, as he had said it would be. Handy trick. I must ask him how he does that.

Marge must have cheated a bit because the meal arrived too quickly for her to have cooked it all. I didn't say anything about that. I complimented her on the meal, especially on the cheese platter. Genuine Lebanese Shankleesh, Roquefort, Dutch Maasdam, Camembert, Brie, just to name a few and all of the highest quality. I asked her where she got them from.

"I just take them. I know where the good stuff is kept."

"You mean you steal them?"

"Everything you see around you belongs to us Gods. You humans can, at best, have temporary use of it. How can I steal something that belongs to me in the first place?"

I should have remembered that, it would have saved a lot of trouble.

After coffee she said: "I feel like a drive. Will you take me to Bondi beach?"

"I don't have a car."

"You have one now," she said handing me a bunch of keys. "The red Holden Commodore on the other side of the street. Shall we go?"

I shouldn't have been driving because I was well over the legal limit, but I went just the same, hoping she would get me out of trouble if we were pulled up. The car was where she said it was. We climbed in and I was just nosing into the traffic when there was a commotion behind us and two coppers were running towards us with their guns drawn, yelling at me to stop. I knew they wouldn't shoot with all the traffic around, so I floored the pedal and got the hell out of there.

"I thought you conjured the car up," I yelled at her.

"No, not the car, just the keys."

"This is a fucking unmarked police car you moron."

"Does that mean we are in trouble?"

"Fucking oath it does, there will be coppers coming from everywhere, any minute now, trying to catch us. They don't like their cars being hijacked, they are funny like that."

"Oh, sorry," she said and disappeared.

Great, I was on my own and in deep shit.

I popped the blue light on the roof, engaged the police siren and drove like hell the four miles into the part of Redfern where the commission houses are. Before I got there I switched the siren and the police radio off and got rid of the blue light. I drove up outside one of those ugly public housing buildings where there was a group of junkies and yahoos loitering outside, left the engine running and the door open and went to the entrance pretending to ring an apartment bell. As I had expected. the no hopers jumped into the car and drove off with squealing tyres. I grinned and gave them the one fingered salute as they disappeared around the corner.

At that moment a bus drew up, I boarded it and got the fuck out of there. After a few stops I got off and caught a cab home.

I had learned another valuable lesson. When in trouble, don't rely on a God for help. Any God!

Chapter 5: An Audience with Zeus

It took four days before Marge turned up again.

"You've got a hide, showing up here after abandoning me, when I was up to my neck in shit," I bellowed instead of a greeting.

"Let me explain, Darling. It wasn't my fault, I really tried."

"Alright, tell me. What went wrong?"

"When I realised we were in trouble I tried to teleport us out of there. For me to do that I need to touch you. In the excitement I forgot all about the hex and when I reached for you I disappeared from this plane."

I could see she was telling the truth. She was really upset about leaving me in a bind.

"Why didn't you come back and try something else?"

"When we vaporise we can't come back for twenty-four hours. It's part of the hex. It's supposed to force us to cool off."

Now that was handy to know. If I wanted to get rid of her all I had to do was get her horny and touch her and she couldn't bother me for a whole day. I just knew I was going to make use of that one.

"Okay, I forgive you. How are we going with Zeus?"

"That's why I am here. He wants to see you."

"Let's go then."

"Not so quick. We have a bit of time, get yourself a beer. I'll have to explain a few things. Whatever you do, don't get too close to me, or I'll disappear and can't take you there. Zeus will get very angry if we don't turn up and that is not something I want, I can assure you of that. He can be a right bastard when he gets pissed off."

When I was settled with my beer and a smoke she explained what we had to do.

"We have to go to a power spot to get to the gate. Power spots are everywhere on this planet. They form a kind of grid pattern. After you have been in and out of Olympus a few times you will actually be able to see them, for now I have to take you there. Often you will find churches, temples or chapels built on these spots, but even though some people may subconsciously sense them they have forgotten what they are and don't know how to use them. They are like portals into other planes."

"You mean you can use them to get to places other than Olympus?"

"Theoretically yes, but you have to know what you are doing and you have to have a lot of personal power. Even the Gods have forgotten how to use them. They are perhaps older than the Gods themselves. We do know however how to use them to get to Olympus, because through them the Demigods used to travel. The Gods don't need power spots to get here, perhaps that is why we don't know much about them. I told you the Gods are lazy and not very adventurous."

"So what do we have to do? Where do we go?"

"There is a spot in St. Mary's Cathedral in town and one at St. Andrews in Flinder Street but they wouldn't be any good to us."

"Why not?"

"You need to be able to teleport out of there when they lock the places up and you already know I can't help you with that on this plane because of the hex. We need an open air spot. The nearest one is outside the Macquarie Lighthouse in Vaucluse."

"I know where that is."

"Good. When you finished your beer catch a cab. I will meet you there."

"Aren't you coming with me?"

"Not this time. We might accidentally touch and that would be the end of it. I don't want to take any chances."

"What do you reckon I should wear?"

"You could wear one of your nice suits, but it really doesn't matter."

"Well, if a God called Bruce can run around in thongs, shorts and a tee shirt so can I. Would you be able to conjure up a Heineken tee shirt?"

"Sure." She waved her hand and I was wearing one. "Mind telling me why?"

"Just to be different from Bruce."

Marge laughed and disappeared. I caught a cab and met her just outside the lighthouse. She scanned the ground and led me to the edge of the park near a group of bushes.

"Here she said, let's go."

"How big is this thing?"

"About thirty feet in diameter." She indicated the area to me with her hand. I was happy. I would find it again on my own.

She waved her hand and we were in Olympus. We wound up in a small temple on the rim of what looked like a huge bowl like valley. We were on the outside edge of the place overlooking the town. In the centre of that bowl was a hill with the Acropolis on top, just like in Athens except it was intact and painted in the most garish colours. I remembered from my history class and from my visit to Athens that the temples of ancient Greece were painted but I had never imagined it in these kitschy wog colours. The town spread around the hill and occupied almost all of the valley below us.

I had expected Olympus to be a really beautiful place and was taken aback when I saw this dog's breakfast of a town. Every style of building we have on Earth was represented and a few that I hadn't seen before. It was higgledy piggledy cobbled together without overall plan, no streets to speak of, mostly narrow lanes and a few squares. There were hardly any trees and little greenery.

"Not much to look at. Is it?" Marge was amused at my reaction.

"It's dreadful. Why?"

"It's in the nature of this place. The Gods are selfish and jealous. They are only interested in their own place and what they want to have and do there. They don't give a shit how it fits in with everyone else. But, we must go now. Here, hold my hand."

Now comes the crunch, I thought, will she disappear or won't she? I took her hand with apprehension. Nothing happened. It was real. I had seen it right. Before she could whisk us off I pulled her into my arms and kissed her. She responded with passion. Then she pushed me back. With ragged breath she said "Later, Darling, we must go and see the boss."

There was a moment of disorientation and then we were in an olive grove. It was the first truly beautiful thing I saw since I got here. A small stream fed by a waterfall ran through the grove. The trees that filtered the harsh sunlight and gave an air of tranquillity to the place were full of colourful birds. There were bees and butterflies. A picture of perfection. In front of us an old bearded man sat on a marble bench. He looked stern and uncompromising. I figured that was Zeus.