A Guy Called FritterbyEgmontGrigor2011©
The Great New Zealand Summer/Indian Summer, an occasional occurrence, ended with someone shouting, "The drought's over, here comes the rain."
Fritter (Fabian) Fellows was behind the surf club banging a babe with flying tits while he ate a meat pie.
"Oh damn Fritter, you'll have to pull out. I must run and bring in the washing."
"You do washing?"
"Yes family washing, mainly my two boys' stuff. They played sport this morning and of course my husband's business shirts and underclothes for a whole week added to the pile."
"You have kids and a husband?" Fritter said. "That means you are married?"
"Yes sweetie. I come here on Saturday evenings to get banged and you have this reputation for it and I lured your out here, not that it took much luring. Welcome to the world of adultery."
"Actually you were very good Fritter. I regret we couldn't gallop to the finish," Rene Pike said, wiping herself with her panties that she then put in her handbag. "Why do you come here?"
"To get laid and to grab free food because I'm unemployed at the moment. The babes spurn guys who are not in work, I guess in case they become pregnant."
"Right you are darling. Give mommy a kiss. I must be off."
The air temperature fell and Fritter felt the first raindrops. He went back into the clubhouse, saw someone he knew was leaving, and asked for a ride home.
"Okay Fritter but no sex; my boyfriend smelt you on me last time I drove you home."
"Okay Lucy. Mind the rain."
"You mean mind the step," she laughed, stepped outside and said, "Omigod it's raining."
Fritter arrived home with four pies in his belly and said told widowed mum he didn't want dinner.
She was pleased about that and made herself cheese on toast.
On Monday morning his mum shook him awake.
"Fritter I'm off to the supermarket. Your social worker is here to see you; now be nice to Mrs Fields."
Fritter wandered in, unshaved and hair undone and hitching up his track pants.
The social worker made a note on her IPad. He assumed it would state unpunctual yet again.
"Hi Mrs Fields. You look lovely today. They're a nice pair."
She blushed and he grinned, having meant her dangling earrings.
"Fritter how many job interviews did you have last week?"
"Only one that was at Smith's Sex Shop. The slob who interviewed me lost interest when I said I had no retail experience."
He heard Mrs Fields mutter who was the sob? Gee what a bitch.
"You are our most unsuccessful case ever for job placement Fritter. I'm applying to have motivational expert work on you."
As Mrs Fields left he yelled, "You weren't very nice to me."
She walked on and behind her back hoisted two fingers. No one could call her a lady, Fritter grinned.
* * *
The pretty blonde sat eyeing Fritter.
"You look overweight, unkempt and unduly placid."
"Yeah and out of work. Tell me something I don't know? Show me your tits."
She practically spat. "How dare you."
"You invited me to say that."
"I did not your horrible man."
"I did not."
"Pardon me Eva bit you asked me to tell you something you didn't know. You had no expectation I'd ask you to show me your tits."
"Omigod and I was briefed that you were stupid."
"Omigod, oh I'm ever so sorry. I'll show you my breasts if you promise not to report me."
"No and stop unbuttoning your shirt. I'll not be bribed.
"You heard me."
"Fritter I was also briefed by Mrs Fields you were an asshole. And yet you just indicated your strong belief in social mores and projected a sense of incorruptibility that leaves me astounded."
"That sounds like a barrel of crap Eva."
Fritter looked out of the window and said, "It's still raining and has done so since your corrupt client lifted Mrs Pike gallantly to her feet on Sunday."
"Did she slip?"
"I don't think so. Imminent rain interrupted what she was doing."
"What was she doing?"
Fritter grinned and said she wouldn't wish to hear and said, "It's quite heavy rain actually."
"Yes I heard on radio news the plains are flooding."
Fritter rubbed and eye and asked what was the news about that, they were flood plains.
She looked at him and adjusted her bra.
"Are they swelling?"
"What... oh no they aren't. Do you have to be so embarrassing?"
"If you call that embarrassing, wait till you really get to know me."
"I hope I can control you. I've only had female clients until now."
"So you're a learner?"
"Well yes I suppose you could say that in terms of unsupervised field experience. I have a Masters in sports psychology."
"Are you any good?"
"That's not for me to say but our director personally selected me to work on you. If I succeed with you I may well receive a grading promotion."
"I'm the worse job placement client in your department's history."
"How did you know that? It's classified information. Have you managed to hack into our computer system?"
"Nah that old cow Mrs Fields spat that allegation at me."
"Omigod. That is so unprofessional of her."
"But is that much worse than you saying what you just did, publicly criticising a profession colleague."
"Um Fritter can I say something very confidential?"
"You are having your monthly?"
"No that was last week. God what am I saying. No I agree with you Mrs X is a bitch."
"Yeah and she had this nasty habit of fingering herself under the table."
Fritter smiled. "Keep calm and remember this conversation is confidential. Would you like coffee?"
"Oh yes please."
"How big are your tits?"
"Are we still speaking in confidence?"
Eva said her bra size was 34C.
"I knew they were beauties. Notice how I am getting you relaxed and am manipulating you while at the same time boosting your confidence?"
For a moment Eva appeared to have a question mark on her forehead and then she blinked rapidly and said, "Omigod."
He asked how long would she be assigned to him and she said as long as it took.
"The director doesn't wish the department to end up with its first failure. You are my only client and I can stay with you all day if necessary."
"That is forbidden."
"Well go out with me?"
"I can't recall the office manual saying that's forbidden."
"What about sex?"
"What about it?"
Fritter just grinned. He'd planted the thought in her mind that would now gestate. He was aware he was already breaking down her resistance, that in all probability she was no longer thinking of him as being repulsive.
After coffee Eva drove Fritter to a hair salon, probably to get her nails done. But he heard the boss woman say, "We can take him now. We have just had a cancellation."
Looking at Fritter's dark honey-colour hair, the hairdresser said "Oh god," and sighed. And oh god, thought Fritter. She had a ring through one nostril and a tat just above her hidden breasts that delivered the ambiguous message, 'Guys Suck'.
Eva gave instructions what she wanted done to Fritter's hair and she then sat behind them reading a male magazine. Fritter watched her flick through it, possibly looking for an article on penis size. She looked up once and catching his gaze looked quickly away. The second time she held his gaze and the third time their eyes locked she smiled before looking away. He thought she was very trainable.
The scissor cut turned out better than expected. The ugly hairdressers performed better than any guy who'd cut his hair.
Fritter slipped twenty bucks into her cleavage and she smiled and said, "Come here often," leaving him wondering if that was ambiguous.
Eve paid the exorbitant sum for his haircut, explaining to Fritter she had a big budget to spend on him because the director desperately desired success.
She then took him to a menswear store and she tried on a jacket and bought it for herself.
"Okay," she said. "If that wasn't your kind of store do you shop more middle of the road."
"Yeah modern casual in a store that has no obvious gays."
She smiled and suggested he should be more relaxed about gays.
"Most of them won't bite."
"Thank goodness for that," he smiled.
She finally realized where his filthy mind was at and turned pink and hurried off ahead of him as if being too embarrassed to be seen in his company.
That gave Fritter his first real look at her ass, and with the cheeks bouncing a bit because of her hurried short steps, he almost ejaculated.
Golly Miss Molly. He began to think of her as a real honey.
Loaded with a business suit, two shirts, two ties and a pair of shoes and pants and casual shirt, they sat in a café drinking coffee and eating a 'health' cookie of dubious benefit. As they chatted Fritter studied her.
Her blonde hair was cut too short, in his opinion. He liked seeing hair move and sway when women moved their heads quickly.
Her lips were full, very kissable, her nose was okay and her eyes were a cold blue.
She must be in a soft bra because her tits moved when she moved her shoulders and arms. Oh so excellent.
Her manner was a bit too precise for his liking. He summed it up as a great looking babe who required a little more warmth and to become more relaxed. She would then be a choice fuck, he thought. He'd attempt to nail her but knew he was unlikely to succeed unless he could change.
Fritter was up next morning when the phone went. Eva had told him she wanted him up every day by 7:30. What a shrew.
A women with a hard voice and bossy tone said, "Are you up, shaved, dressed and having positive thoughts?"
Wow what a nosy bitch. Phone pollsters were becoming impossibly rude.
"Fuck off you rude bitch," he said, cutting the call.
He answered the phone again a minute later.
"Fritter please don't cut me off again. "I'm Mrs Merryweather, director of the job placement branch in Government Social Welfare in this city."
"Oh hi Mrs Merryweather. Um Miss Malcolm is out for the moment..."
"Well that's very loyal of you Fritter. Actually Miss Malcolm is sitting here in my office."
Careful, he thought. This bitch is smart. "What's your point?"
"My goodness you are rude as well as foul-mouthed. Nevertheless we are prepared to pour resources in to getting you back into work. The amount Eva spent on your wardrobe yesterday made my eyes water because I have to account for it. But we must succeed with you. Are you up?"
"Yes, Eva wants me out of bed by 7:00 to stop being a bed slug."
"Have you had a shave and are you dressed?"
"Yes but hey what is this? You are far too bossy. You ought to be taking lessons from Eva on how to interact with clients."
"Your attitude is in great need of reconstruction Fritter but at least some of your answers convince me Eva is making progress with you. She came in here asking me to replace her..."
"You bitch. No way should you be giving that information to me with Eva sitting in your office. I ought to come over and kick your butt."
"Oooh, I'd like that Mr Fellows but unfortunately I have a busy schedule today. If you want to have Eva continuing to work with you then come here and get her. Good morning Mr Fellows. Oh and please revert to your given name of Fabian. I cannot imagine anyone in today's depressed financial climate offering a job to anyone called Fritter. My god, do you have no taste?"
She cut the call, leaving Fritter/Fabian staring at the wall, mouth open in shock.
Well that was the end of social wealth support. With him refusing to go to their office to plead to Eva to come back with him, he was finished and his unemployment benefit payment could be chopped.
Assholes. He would starve and his body would probably be picked clean by cats if he died at night.
Fritter/Fabian picked up one of his mum's subscription magazines and looked critically at the nude woman on the centrefold. He decided Eva's tits would be better than that mammary pack.
He replaced that with another magazine and the cover shot of a blonde with short hair had cold blue eyes. Fritter/Fabian thought Eva was every bit as good-looking at this highly-paid model.
Eva, Eva. His missed Eva. She had so much to offer. He didn't wish to lose her. He raced out of the house and began biking off furiously and then returned sheepishly to shut and lock the front door.
In typical Government bureaucratic fashion, the woman at reception sniffed and said they had no person called Eva working there.
"What about Miss Malcolm?"
"Ah yes. We do have a Miss Malcolm on staff. Please sit over there and behave yourself.
Fifteen minutes later, in the tradition of government administration with cogs turning slowly and inefficiently, an overweight woman came up to Fabian as he now called himself.
"Please follow me Mr Fellows."
"How do you know I'm Mr Fellows? Other guys are waiting here."
"Reception told me you look aggressive. Every other male here looks like a submissive wimp."
"Oh what's you name honey."
"Careful Mr Fellows. I'm looking for an excuse to knock you around a bit."
Fabian demeanour instantly modified. He guessed those guys out in reception had been beaten into submission.
Fabian's minder opened a door and pushed him in, and slammed the door shut.
He saw Eva with three older women and ignoring them, seized Eva and kissed her.
"God Fritter," she said blushing. "What are you doing to me on Government property?"
He grabbed her again and she clutched him and involved herself in the kiss.
Duty done, he stepped back and Eva, adjusting her bra, said, "Well ladies this is Fritter Fellows, our problem client."
"I've reverted to Fabian."
"Oh great Fabian. That's significant progress."
Eva introduced him to Jane, Ngaio and Saepele.
She then told Fabian what was required of him. Eve gave him twenty cards relating to specific occupations and asked him to choose three cards. He did that and Eva gave one to each woman
Saepele, a cheerful and very polite Samoan woman, asked Fabian questions about why he wished to work as an IT manager for that company.
Next up was the tough-minded Maori woman Ngaio. She ripped into him asking why had he been so long out of a job and why did he believe he could succeed for her company in managing a website design team.
Finally Jane quizzed him about why on earth would he wish to coach a senior hockey team at a girl's college.
The three interviewers took Fabian to lunch and fifteen minutes later were joined by Eva who'd processed the notes made by the three women.
Fabian poured a wine for Eva who said nervously, "The news is not good Fabian."
She gave her summaries to each of the three interviewers who checked them and they then gave information and their own impressions to Fabian.
"Fabian," said Saepele. "You made little eye contact with me and appeared to find my breasts fascinating. Why was that?"
"One is larger than the other?"
Saepele giggled and said she'd spent the first five years of her working life filleting fish and that had strengthened her right side.
"When hiring people I expect them to be serious. You flirted with me. Your nails also need cleaning and you ought to use a handkerchief instead of sniffing."
"This wine appears to have a high content of histamines.
"God and I've been sniffing too," Jane said.
Saepele concluded by asking what did he know about
"I was assistant IT manager at the second biggest law firms in this city and was laid off with thirty other staff when the firm's business activity slumped as a result of the world economic downturn."
Ngaio said, "Because you have qualifications in computer science, you answered my penetrating questions confidently."
"Yeah well I began my working life in website design after getting my degree."
"I too noticed you spent time looking at my breasts."
"Er they moved every time you moved. That never fails to fascinate me."
"Well approximately 80% of people who conduct initial interviews are female so you should get that wilful habit under control. I loved that attention from you but many females could be offended by your focus."
"I hear you Ngaio. Good advice."
Jane said she was offended when he said his reason for seeking a job at a girl's school was to get dates.
"God my daughters 15 and 16 go to a school like that hypothetical one."
Fabian said, "I was hamming it up a bit. Sorry. I would be after the female teachers not 17 and 18-year old girls."
"Are you sure about that?"
"Absolutely. I used to play provincial rep hockey and coached senior girls for two seasons. I went after a couple of the mothers, none of the girls."
"Wow," said Jane, and they all laughed and looked pleased.
When they broke up Fabian said very seriously, "Thanks guys. I found the exercise very useful. Obviously my laid-back attitude and loose humour needs to be tightened up when I front up for interviews."
Eva stayed behind to talk.
He got in first with a question, "Will you reconnect with me?"
"Yes sure. I believe I saw light at the end of the tunnel today. Um please don't kiss me again?"
"And why not?"
"Because I'm married."
"Jesus Eva, shouldn't you have told me that?"
"I actually saw no need and didn't expect this to happen, not with you of all people after I was briefed about you."
"What has happened?"
"Come on Eva."
"I'm actually separated from the man I married. We are nearing the end of a trial separation and I promised myself I would not show any interest in any other man during that period. Well in the hair salon yesterday something began in happen to me when I caught you looking at me in that mirror."
"What could be wonderful about looking at a guy like me?"
"Stop it, don't torment me."
"Eva I'm off. When you come to me tomorrow I suggest you have your own mind sorted about this. And I'll tell you this. Keep on working beside me and before we know it we could be fucking. I have developed a feeling of something wonderful about this association with you. But don't be afraid of it. You can always say no."
"Are you sure you're not the one with a psychology degree," she asked.
He laughed and said he'd meant to ask her about her involvement with sports people.
"I'm slowly setting myself up to become known, doing some work on this at nights to build up my reputation with sports clubs as I achieve successes. I work in swimming, track, cycling, tennis and grass hockey, having participated in all of those activities."
"You go cycling?"
"Yes almost every morning and I go in for distance cycling on Sundays."
"We should try cycling together. I'm been cycling since I was a kid and was into competitive cycling at high school and at university."
"Yes I knew that having read your file and yes I'd like company at times. I guess you have decided on slow seduction?"
"I can't blame you. I wish you success."
Fabian biked home thinking she wished him success. That didn't sound very promising. On the other hand it was far better than being told to get lost. He reminded himself to tell him mom to resume calling him Fabian.
Fabian had a quiet evening and just as well. The house phone began ringing. It was dark and he jumped up and went to the kitchen to answer it. Being unemployed he was not running a mobile phone to park beside his bed.
"Answer the phone Fabian," yelled his mother, a good forty-five seconds after he'd done that."
"Are you awake?"
God was it that camp commandant from the department. Hey wait, the voice was softer.
"I'm about to come over your way to take you cycling."
"What time is it?"
"Just after 5:45."
"Aw Eva. Wouldn't you prefer for come to bed?"
"Now don't be naughty. Just get dressed appropriately and be waiting for me outside you gate. Remember to fill your water bottle."