A Heart Divided Ch. 07

I knew I needed to leave soon, but Gina asked me, nearing tears, to stay another hour and "help her forget everything." I was starting to understand that Gina wanted sex when she felt upset, which made me think that a long-term relationship with her would end up having some weird dynamics. We made love one more time, but it was sad and distant. It was the kind of sex that happens between two people who are locked in their own worlds, not really connecting with each other through sex but instead using each other's bodies at the same time.

I came with her on top of me as she grinded out her second climax of the afternoon. It was a mutual orgasm, but only by coincidence. We were both striving for release and conveniently reached that moment together. She caught her breath after a minute, then rolled onto her side. I lay there silently for a few minutes until I heard the regular breathing that told me she had fallen asleep. I felt happy for her. Slipping out of bed, I got dressed, gathered my things, and went home.

*******

I slipped into my running clothes as soon as I got back, and Lynn was walking in the door just as I was stretching.

"Wait for me?" she asked, hurrying up the stairs. In a few minutes she was back down, dressed for our run. We ran to campus and back, and it was a little odd not to see Gina while I was running. Lynn managed to run a little over 7 miles with me, and I ran the last 2 miles back alone while she walked. During the first few miles, we chatted a little. I asked about her event, she asked about my book...nothing serious. I almost mentioned the new job, but I wanted to give Gina one more chance to take me up on it before presenting it to Lynn. If Gina said yes, I didn't want Lynn. But at that point, I wasn't optimistic about Gina. She was worth the chance, though, worth a few days' wait.

Lynn would probably go with me, though it would be a significant career move for her. She had worked up quite a network and a good reputation here, and in her business, that's a big deal. She would not only need to find new clients, but she would also need to learn all the new venues, suppliers, caterers- everything. She would almost need to start from scratch. I guess I would be asking her to choose either her career or me. And given what we'd been through, what she'd put me through this past year, I didn't think that would be too much to ask.

I showered when I got back, glad that Lynn wasn't there yet. I knew she would try to get me to shower with her, and one thing would lead to another, and I was having a hard enough time holding my ground. I jerked off in the shower, just to take off the edge. I considered moving back into my bedroom, sharing a bed with Lynn again, but I decided that the timing of that transition would depend on who I would be living with after that summer. If I was ultimately going with Gina, then I didn't want to start to get any closer to Lynn. I tried to convince myself that it was for Lynn's sake, but I knew that saying good-bye to her would be one of the hardest choices I ever had to make.

*******

The next Monday afternoon, I went to Gina's to finish our discussion about the pregnancy. I have to say, it was not my finest hour. I don't have any interest in recounting the details of that painful conversation- even just summarizing it makes me sick.

I began by appealing to her to move with me- to start fresh together, a new family. She said no. When she flat-out refused to move with me and commit to a life together, I broke. I was a scared little boy who felt abandoned and alone. Gina was gone- it was over. I don't think she knew that was the case, but how could it be any other way? We didn't have a relationship that would work long-distance, especially if she wasn't committed to it.

After that point, it was all downhill. Looking back with much regret, I realize that I just saw the pregnancy as a loose end that needed to be cleaned up. I was so hurt and angry at Gina for leaving me that I pushed even harder to keep her from choosing what she wanted. I tried to paint a picture of what might happen- a plausible worst-case scenario. A child would hold her back, even if she gave it up for adoption. She would miss her last year of school and need to try again, but would she even be able to get back on track? She would lose what few friends she had. Her family wasn't in the picture, really- she would be alone, out of school, and stigmatized.

When I said 'alone,' a look of horror crossed her face. Perhaps that was when she realized that I wasn't going to be there. I thought I had made that clear- if she didn't move with me, there was no future for us. She looked down, open-mouthed in shock as she processed that. She looked as gutted as I felt.

Then I told her what kind of future really awaited a child abandoned by his mother at birth. I told her I knew first hand what it's like to wonder every day why you weren't good enough, why you weren't loved, why you weren't worth it to some nameless, faceless woman who would forever dominate your deepest insecurities. I told her I'd be damned before I'd let a child live with that cloud over his head, a cloud that would make him grovel at the feet of any woman who would show him attention, a cloud that would rain down insecurities and fears and anxieties and leave him always feeling like he was just outside of happiness, forever knocking on the door. I cried and yelled until I realized I wasn't even talking to Gina anymore. I was just yelling into the air as Gina looked on in confusion. I ended my diatribe, not even finishing all that I had begun to say. After a few minutes of silence, Gina spoke.

"Fine," she whispered hoarsely, shaking her head.

Not sure I had heard her correctly, I asked, "What?"

Her voice was trembling and low. "Fine. If...that's how it is...we...I'll...I'll get an abortion." I could see that I had broken something in her, something I had warned myself not to break. I didn't know if it was her heart, her spirit, her will, or just her. But I had fucked something up, and I didn't think there was any way to fix it.

But not wanting to lose the window of opportunity, I suggested we "go take care of it" together right then. Gina looked at me, her eyes meeting mine for almost the first time that afternoon, disbelieving...almost pleading. She looked at me like as at a stranger. I didn't say anything, and I tried to keep my expression blank. Otherwise, I felt like I would burst.

Gina stood up in a daze, and picked up a few things. I did the same, heading towards the door once she was ready.

It was a long, quiet drive. I had told her we couldn't go to the clinic near campus- I knew one of the women who worked there and one of the men who regularly protested outside- they were the spouses of some of my colleagues. Showing up with a student at a place like that...well, it would leave little to the imagination. Gina just looked out the window and said softly, "Whatever."

We arrived at the clinic that was an hour away, and there was a lot of ruckus outside. Apparently their protesters were a lot louder and more numerous than at the clinic near campus. Cars filled the parking lot and people lined the sidewalk. I circled the block a few times and finally realized that Gina didn't need me there anyway. I pulled up to the front and handed her enough cash to more than cover the procedure. She took it with a look of disgust and walked quickly into the clinic, shielding her face from the people standing outside.

I had planned to park at the first space I could find and then join her in there. It seemed like the most civil thing to do, even if I was feeling angry and spiteful. But once I found a space, about two blocks away, I turned off the car and cried. Everything I had been holding in- the realization that Gina was going to be out of my life, the realization that I had hurt her deeply, the realization that we could have had a baby together, the realization that I had fucked everything up- it all just broke through. Everything was a blur through my tears, and I just put my head down on the steering wheel and sobbed.

I mourned the life I had wanted with her. I mourned the marriage I had once had with Lynn. I mourned the simplicity of life I had once known. I mourned the loss of character I had experienced these past weeks and months. I mourned the lives of the children I would never know- one from Lynn and one from Gina. I mourned for my birth mother- a scared young woman whose story I never knew. And just when I thought I was done, it all started again. It was over an hour before I could even see well enough to get out of the car and walk. I was halfway there when the phone rang. It was Gina. She was done.

*******

I had to navigate a few blocks of one way streets to get back to the clinic, and Gina was waiting on the other side of the street, ignoring someone that was trying to hand her a pamphlet. She climbed into the car, her eyes distant and cold. She stared ahead or to the side the whole ride back, never saying a word. Our only interaction was when she handed me the paperwork. I didn't know what she thought I would do with it, but I just let it sit on the console between us.

I didn't know what to say. The silence between us was punctuated by the occasionally sniffle as one or the other of us wiped our eyes. I wasn't angry anymore. I felt helpless. I wanted to reach out to Gina for some comfort, but that was probably the last thing she wanted- a needy guy looking to her for something. It had seemed so clear that this was the best move- the right thing to do. Why did it feel like we had only made things worse?

As people passed us on the highway, I resented them. None of them were coming away from such a hard place. None of them were going into a future that looked so barren and gray. I resented their happy, ignorant lives as they drove home from work to families and homes that were uncomplicated. I felt like only Gina could understand me now, and I had just fucked up any chance of crossing that bridge again.

We got back to the parking lot in front of her place. Gina opened the car door and stepped out, clutching the papers. I realized I should say something...maybe something apologetic...something comforting...something kind... She turned towards me and bent over a little so that we could see each other's face.

"Gina," I still didn't know what to say. "I'm...I'm sorry. I wanted something different for us."

She wrinkled her brow in a confused, angry way, beginning to formulate some sort of response. But then she stopped before the words got out and sighed. Crossing her arms tight over her chest, as if trying to keep herself from falling apart, she just said, "Good-bye?" Then she walked away. My eyes followed her up the stairs and to the door of her apartment. Once she was inside and the door closed, I gripped the steering wheel with both hands and yelled and angry, defeated, "FUUUUUCK!"

*******

I sped home and was angry to see Lynn's car in the driveway. I didn't want to deal with her right then. I mumbled something as I passed her in the kitchen, heading straight upstairs to bed. It didn't even occur to me that I had gone to our bedroom instead of the guestroom. It was dusk, just past dinnertime, but I had no appetite. I changed my clothes and crawled under the covers. Lynn came in a few minutes later. She lay beside me on top of the covers and asked if I felt OK. I just said, 'No." She offered to make me something to eat or to join me in bed. I told her I just needed to sleep. To her credit, she left the room and let me do just that.

I woke up during the night and felt Lynn next to me- it was a comfortable feeling, not being alone. I put my arm around her, noting that she had on a light shirt and panties- her usual sleep attire. It felt so normal that I almost believed that the past year had been a dream- a nightmare with a happy middle.

In the morning, I felt refreshed, but the longer I was awake, the more the previous day's events weighed heavy on my mind. I made pancakes and bacon for breakfast- enough to feed a large family. I needed some sort of repetitive action to keep my mind busy, so just kept mixing, pouring, and flipping. Lynn came into the kitchen and stopped me from cooking. "We'll be eating these all week. Why don't you sit down and have have breakfast with me?" Her voice was soothing, calm, and nurturing. She knew something was wrong, and she didn't press me on it.

We ate silently for a little while. Lynn put on some coffee, and we took it out to the patio, enjoying the fresh morning air. Lynn didn't say a word the whole time. As my cup was nearly empty, Lynn brought out the pot and refilled both our mugs. When she sat back down, both of us facing the trees by the back fence, I said, "I'm taking the new job. I'm done here in two weeks."

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Lynn open her mouth to talk, but then she stopped and took another sip. I appreciated that.

"Do you want to go with me?" I looked over at her. A tear had already reached her jawline, a tear that had fallen when I said I was leaving. It was joined by a few others after I asked her to move with me.

"Yes," she said, nodding her head and sniffing.

"It won't be easy for you, you know. You're going to be giving up a lot. It will be hard to start your business over in a new place," I wanted to make sure she understood the implications of this.

"I know, Gare. I've thought it through a lot already. I had hoped..." She straightened up in her chair and wiped her eyes. She was regaining her composure. "But anyway, I was thinking it would be good for me to pull back from work a little, anyway. It would be good for me to get used to being home more if we're planning to start a family, and this would be a good time to make that transition. I can just try to work part time or occasionally."

I straightened up in my chair and turned towards her. "Wait...Lynn, are you pregnant?"

She laughed at my expression, and I knew she didn't understand the full significance of that, in light of yesterday's events. "No, Gare...not that I know of. Not yet. But...I was hoping that could be on our radar now. I never got back on the pill, so we can just see what happens. If nothing, then that's OK. But either way I'm ready to work on our home and our family a little more."

I leaned back, relaxing some, but processing those ideas. Part of me said it seemed like a bad idea to be bringing a kid into a messed up marriage, but then I also considered that a lot could happen in a year's time, and Lynn and I were getting on the right track.

"Yeah," I said thoughtfully, "Let's see what happens."

"And we could even, you know, look at adoption if you want...which would be really special given your history."

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. "We'll see," was the best I could do in response.

*******

Lynn dove into the process of finding us a place to live and making all the moving arrangements. It turns out that packing up our home was a very bonding experience- the way that all that physical stuff created a common space and a common history did wonders for drawing us closer together that month. I never went back to the guestroom, but Lynn and I also didn't have sex that week...or the next...or the next.

The busyness of our preparations to move, the process of packing, both of us wrapping up things at work- I could have made a lot of excuses. But the truth was that I didn't want to have sex. It had been since Gina told me she was pregnant- and every thought of sex led me to think of pregnancy and children and that horrible car ride. Lynn didn't push, and amazingly, after the first week of my life post-Gina, she didn't even ask for sex. I knew she was very busy wrapping up work and the house and everything, but I knew that if I had been interested, she would be, too. I don't know how much she pieced together about what I was dealing with, but she mercifully gave me space to process it.

We finished up our counseling sessions before moving. The counselor was thrilled to hear that we were leaving town. It was, she thought, a very healthy change. The week after Gina and I parted, I asked the counselor to meet me early, a half hour before our session was supposed to start. After 15 minutes, she called up Lynn and asked her not to come in that day. I spent our whole session opening up about Gina, the pregnancy, the abortion, my own adoption and so much else. She said, "Well, a lot of that goes outside my area of expertise, but here are some things to think about..."

She was good- very very good at her job. She listened to everything without judging (though I could tell some things got her upset), and she asked clarifying questions that revealed issues I hadn't considered. She didn't 'fix' me or anything, but she got me on the right track to start healing.

"Are you still in contact with Gina?" she asked me.

"Not really, but it's only been a few days. I...I don't really expect that she's going to want to hear from me again."

"Well, this is not my professional opinion, but my personal one. Professionally, for the sake of your marriage, I'd say not to ever have any contact with her again. Personally, I'd say that, given some time to restrengthen the bond with Lynn, you owe that young lady an explanation and a big apology. You're not ready for it yet, your marriage isn't ready for it yet. You, I'm guessing, might still go running back to her at the first sign of stress with Lynn, if this girl would have you. But I hate to think of the terms and circumstances on which you parted ways, and I'm tempted to call her myself to see if she needs to talk." She looked away and thought about that for a minute, then shook her head to get back on track.

We especially talked a lot about my fears of abandonment, which she said were like time bombs waiting to blow up at Lynn the next time I felt threatened; and during the next session we talked with Lynn about ways that she could help me to feel more secure in our marriage. After six sessions over the course of seven weeks, I was amazed. That's not to say everything was fine. We had actually uncovered some of our deeper problems. But we had the skills and perspective to address them. The counselor referred us to a friend of hers working in the city near our new home- in case we needed to meet with someone again.

*******

It was a warm evening in mid-July, almost exactly one year after Lynn had left, that we watched the empty moving truck drive away from our new home. I locked up the doors to the house as Lynn went upstairs to put sheets on our bed. She had used all her administrative savvy to organize our move so that it was smooth from beginning to end. It would take weeks to unpack and settle in, but Lynn had ensured that we packed the essentials in special-colored boxes that we put in the cars with us during the move, making sure that, no matter what happened to the truck, we were all set from the moment we arrived- at least for a while. It was that kind of thinking that made her such a success at her job.

I looked around at the house- it felt like an empty canvas. I wondered what memories we would paint on it over the years. We had bought a place big enough to handle a small family, just in case. I wondered if kids would draw on the walls and dirty up the door frames with their handprints. I wondered about meals in the dining room with new friends, and I thought about visits from family over the holidays, picturing how we would decorate.

I wondered, not for the last time, how Gina was doing. I wondered if she was gearing up for the next semester, looking for jobs for after she graduated, maybe. I knew she hadn't planned on staying with me long-term, and I wondered if she would have another fling that year. If she did, I was sure it wouldn't be with someone married. I frowned to think of what a hard lesson that must have been for her. But she was strong- fragile at times, but more than strong enough to bounce back from one unfortunate episode.