A Heretic's Heart

For the first time in my life, I uttered the word "Bastards" under my breath as I sat and fumed at the miscarriage and inflated male egos. Surely I had thought of saying the same for Cyril who so hated being upstaged by Hypatia's knowledge and popularity, but her image was powerful in me in such a revered way that it overshadowed my contempt for Cyril and others like him. Not surprisingly, Cyril was made a saint of the church.

Perhaps it was that so much time had passed whilst at least Watson and Crick were still among us and basking in their stolen glory that made Ms. Franklin more personal; then again, maybe it was the gruesomeness of how Hypatia was murdered that kept her out of my mind as too horrid to keep thinking about.

One of the "no-pay" geniuses was Maria Mayer who shared a Nobel Prize in physics in 1963, not that long ago, but was denied pay for her position for most of her life. Another star in our new galaxy of heroines was Very Rubin, and astronomer who we thought should have been given a Nobel Prize if for nothing else than her body of work, though discovering how it is possible for Dark Matter to exist.

Another still alive genius, in our minds, as well as others, was Lynn Margulis, the former wife of Carl Sagan, and as shining a star in her own right as he was. She surely might have been burned alive at the stake by most churches early on for she proved that bacteria did form an artificial relationship (symbiosis) such that they could not exist alone (Serial Endosymbiosis Theory). She was said to be one of the most original and creative biologists of our time by paleontologist Niles Eldredge.

Something else that made her dear to us was her tenacity, or not being frightened off by others who scorned her work.

Another luminary, in our minds, who, were it not for Hypatia, would have been our most cherished heroine, was Barbara McClintock, a geneticist who did something unbelievably wondrous in discovering that genes could move and control other genes, which was called 'transposition'. She was greeted with laughter in the early 1950s. It wasn't until she was 81 that she was awarded a Nobel Prize. It was her work and perseverance that made Paige decide to take a course in genetics, and in due time, convinced me to take it with her.

Needless to say, we not only loved the course so much that we were perfect in our tests though we knew that there was so much more to be know of these women. When I thought of their accomplishments, I wasn't only angered at how they were treated, but actually felt a warmth of having been privileged to learn of them, that knowledge warmed me so.

Chapter 3

Paige and I were the best of friends, often meeting on weekends, mostly at the library, which we haunted regularly during the week too. Oddly, we didn't go into our personal lives much. Another odd thing was that when she'd catch me staring at her, she'd lower her head slightly and blush, but always with a small smile on her lips along with a sly look at me, yet she wasn't being coy; it was her natural and quiet sweetness, her somewhat otherwise brashness aside. What that did to my heart I refused to look at.

When I had spare time, I had another interest, and that was my dissatisfaction with what I had been told about the time of the Exodus. At the library, I found a concordance and it led me to the book of I Kings. In the sixth chapter, in the very first verse, it told me that after the four hundred and eightieth year after the Exodus, and in Solomon's fourth year as king...and the rest didn't matter. Those dates gave me another time frame to try to satisfy my desire to know just when the Exodus did occur. At last I had something to follow in my maddening quest to learn more about when the Exodus may have truly been.

I knew, but confirmed, that Solomon was pretty much thought to have begun his reign in 970 BCE. If he was in his fourth year, then I had to subtract four years from that as my starting point, and came up with 966 BCE. Now I had to reverse the process to get it to be the four hundred and eightieth year from the Exodus. That came out to be one thousand, four hundred and forty six BCE. Right away I knew something was wrong, and pretty badly so.

In one thousand, four hundred and forty six BCE, Ramesses I hadn't even been born, and there was no land of Rameses. That date sits within the time of the Golden Age of Egypt wherein Tuthmosis III, the Napoleon of Egypt and its greatest warrior, may have ruled. No matter, Egypt seemed to still be very supreme at this time. Tuthmosis' son and successor, Amenhotep II, also was a fair warrior Pharaoh and fought two wars, and signed a peace treaty with the Mitanni, the people of one of his father's famous battles.

What did this mean? My faith was being shattered. The word of God that I had always believed in was being shred to tatters by what looked like two different sources giving what had to be erroneous dates for the Exodus. Not surprisingly, I began to wonder if there had even been an Exodus, it all seemed so story like. How I was to take this obviously wrong information from the bible itself was very troubling to me.

Just as troubling was what I would do if anything. Two preachers had told me to "have faith", the one not kindly, the other kindly, yet I had to wonder if either of them really knew the truth of this. I was going home for the holidays—should I tell my parents? It just wouldn't leave me, and I had started to wonder what else I'd find if I put my nose to the grindstone. Something told me I would, but it was one of those things that you just knew and wouldn't give conscious thought to, at least not wholly.

* * * *

Saying good-bye to Paige was difficult. My heart just didn't want to go and not be around her even if it was only for a couple of weeks. I even lacked the courage to ask if she was going home, which I figured she probably was, and she didn't say. My troubles continued to...what? Trouble me? Yes, but they were all internal troubles, rather problems I had to work out. Maybe I felt uneasy because I knew instinctively that I would be going to services with my family, and I had to have begun to wonder if I even believed anymore.

The one thing I found that I wanted to do was to talk to Paige, but I just couldn't unload my problems on her, especially since she didn't seem at all churchy. I really wished I had someone to talk to, but I didn't dare at home, that was for sure.

* * * *

Nonetheless, I was glad to be back home. My mother and father greeted me so warmly as did my siblings. In a way, it was as if I hadn't been away at all.

At services, as was the usual, Pastor Henson walked out so he could say good-bye to everyone as they left. When he got to me, he didn't bat an eye; he'd forgotten all about what he probably considered my silly questioning. I had to wonder what he would have said if I had told him what I'd found out, but he was too nice to do that to.

That thought out in my conscious mind, something in me extrapolated and wondered if this was a part of how this secret had been kept for two thousand or more years—a pastor, or other leader, being friendly with everyone and simply preaching to us all to have faith. Then I thought that faith was one of the cornerstones of Paul's teaching. Those thoughts had me really scratching my mental head. Was it possible...? That would be for later consideration.

Yes, I laughed merrily a lot of the time as we celebrated Christmas as we always had, but in the quiet of my mind, things were still roiling in me. The thought of calling Paige came to me, but I put it off as she was probably enjoying her family. The need I felt inside of myself though had me calling Paige the day after Christmas.

"Hi, Paige, it's Jennifer. Are you enjoying being home for the holidays?" I asked feeling a bit timid.

"Hi, Jennifer. No, actually, I didn't go home; I'm still at the college."

I was stunned. Quickly the thought ran through my mind that I could have invited her to spend them with me and my family, but no sooner than I thought that than I knew I wouldn't be able to hide my desire for her from my family. Then I thought: There, it's out; I desire Paige just the same as I had Mary Beth, only more.

"Gee, I'm sorry. I didn't even ask. Hey, I'm going back before the New Year; maybe we can get together then, huh?"

The words had tumbled out of my mouth before I had consciously thought of them, but I was glad that I'd said that.

"Hey, yeah, that'd be nice. Do you have plans for New Year's Eve?"

"Uh-uh. You?" I asked, my heart suddenly beating fast, or maybe faster.

"Nope. Maybe I could cook us some supper; you know, black eyed peas and all," she said.

"Wow! That sounds great."

I had to hide the joy I felt inside of me and make sure I didn't have my family asking too many questions, but I knew I'd be telling them that I had to go back early. I was glad that I'd used my cell phone and was away from earshot of anyone.

Making sure to mask my face and control my beating heart, I waited until I had my mother alone and told her I had to go back early to take care of some final tests. It was a fib, and a huge one for I had already done all that was necessary, but for luckily for me, she asked no questions, and showed no disappointment for which I was glad.

* * * *

It never dawned on me to ask how she could fix supper. I'd no idea where she lived, such was our lack of questioning each other about anything personal. Oh, we mentioned a few things, but surprisingly, not that, and nothing about her family. Somehow we silently decided not to speak of families, but why, I had no idea.

At any rate, I was there on the thirtieth, and having her address which she gave me, I knocked on her door.

"Hi, Jennifer," she greeted me with a huge smile that went up into her sweet eyes.

"Hey, how're you?" I asked as I walked in.

Then I got a surprise. She hugged me.

"I'm good. Come in and make yourself comfortable."

Still feeling the warmth from the unexpected hug, I did as she asked. Looking about I saw that she had nice furniture, and what looked like a pretty spacious home for just one person. Sitting, I got right to it.

"Paige, how is it that we never talked about our lives; I mean, we talked a lot, but so little about us personally. I always thought you lived in another dorm."

She hung her head as she often did when she blushed, but there was no blush this time. She was thinking hard on how to answer me though.

"My personal life is weird, and I don't like to say much about it. I mean, I don't mind telling you, but in general, I don't say anything about it."

"You don't have to; it just occurred to me when you told me you were still here, and I thought to myself that had I known, I could have invited you to stay at my parent's home. I just hated that you were alone during the holidays."

She gave me a huge smile then. "Well, I'm not alone for all of the holidays now. We do have a date for some New Year's Eve supper don't we?"

My face lit up in a smile too. "Yes, we do, don't we?"

She paused as if wondering if she should say something.

"What, Paige?" I pushed her a tad.

"Uh, did you come back early because of me being alone?" she barely got out too quietly.

This time I blushed, then after a too long silence, I nodded my head.

"I guess so," I admitted.

"That's sweet of you. Thank you," she told me in her soft voice.

"Maybe It's not the right thing to think everyone celebrates these holidays the same way as most do, but..." I had a hard time finishing it.

"I'm not sure if remember having a real holiday time. My, uh, family, such as they are, aren't together now. In fact, they're divorced and my mother has remarried. I don't see her much, or my father for that matter, so I'm kind of used to it being like this. Do you usually celebrate the holidays with your family?" she asked.

"Always, at least so far; I'm not sure about in the future though," I inadvertently admitted.

"Oh? Want to talk about it?" she offered, genuine concern in her voice and manner.

"I don't mind; not with you, that is. I just learned something that shook my faith like an earthquake under my feet," I said.

"Tell me about it if you don't mind," she pushed me for confession though it was what I wanted to do, needed to do, especially with her. She was the only one I could think of to tell it to.

"Last semester in that class I took on ancient Egypt that I told you about, they covered a lot of things over a lot of time," I said as she nodded. "Anyway, when he spoke of the might of Egypt in those days, and the great Ramesses II, it occurred to me that though it was never said openly, that he was thought of as the Pharaoh of the Jewish Exodus. You know, like in the movies. Anyway, most people I know of think he was that Pharaoh then."

She nodded again and looked at me expectantly.

"Well, it made me wonder how they could have had an Exodus as they say in the bible, and it be at about the time that Ramesses fought a huge battle far to the north of Canaan, and Egypt, though they only fought to a draw, remained the dominant power in the world. There's proof that a treaty was signed by both parties, and that's historically proven. That plagued me. I mean, I was raised to believe that the bible was the word of God, and I remembered that the Jews were supposed to be building a couple of cities, one of them called Raamses in the bible, which makes it logical that the Exodus of the bible was supposed to take place in his time.

"But, as I said, it bothered me a lot and I asked a couple of preachers, and I don't think they knew, but they should have known more than they said because the bible also says that Joseph and the then Pharaoh put Jacob and all his kin in the land of Ramesses, and that was about four hundred years before there was a Ramesses of any kind.

"It shook my faith, Paige, and I couldn't let it go. I went to the library and found a book—a concordance—where all the words in the bible are, and I found the place in the book of I Kings that gave a time frame for the Exodus, but that turned out to be two hundred years before Ramesses, and in the time when Egypt was at it's mightiest, so it couldn't have been then either. In either case, it was two different times that were given, and that's not supposed to be, at least not and be God's word.

"Paige, it really bothered me. I mean, I was raised to believe that every word of the bible is from God and correct," I ended with a long and a confused look on my face I was certain.

She looked at me for a moment.

"Oh, wow! For someone like you, I guess it had to bother you. I mean, I'm supposed to be Catholic, but I can't remember the last time I went to mass, or even to confession, which we're supposed to do regularly just like going to mass. I think I can see a part of how this troubled you so much. I'm glad you felt that you could talk to me about it. We do need to talk to someone about things, right? At least sometimes," she added.

"Yeah; I've been wanting to talk about it, so that's why I went to the preachers, the one here, and he didn't like me asking questions, or this question anyway. The one at home didn't put me off, but he had no answer and it seemed as if he should have. I got to thinking that maybe he didn't even know of the two times mentioned for it."

"Well, I wasn't any help either, huh?" she asked with a mild, but devilish grin.

I grinned too. "Actually, you did. You didn't look at me like I shouldn't be wondering about things like this, and tell me I need to just keep on blindly believing. That blindly believing bit really bugged me too when I thought of it all."

"So now it's out, and you're here, and I haven't even offered you something to drink, or if you've eaten. Have you had dinner yet?"

Talk about a sheepish grin, I had one then as I shook my head. "Didn't even think about it," I confessed.

"Me either, so how about a sandwich and a glass of tea?"

"Sure, if it's no bother."

We had a small supper, and cleaned up, then sat again on the sofa. After some small talk, I made like I should be leaving.

"Jennifer, you can stay the night if you wish. I have an extra bedroom and some large Tees like I like to sleep in, or we can have a slumber party and talk until we fall dead asleep."

"Hey, that sounds nice. I haven't been to a

slumber parry since I was in elementary school."

"Good, then it's settled," she said with what I took to be a satisfied smile. Mine was just as satisfied, or maybe more so.

When it was time for bed, I hated not having a clean pair of panties. Luckily the Tee shirt she had was as promised—fairly long, but not too wide. Getting in bed after we'd freshened up—me in the spare bedroom bath—we looked at each other and grinned happily.

"I'm glad you came back early," Paige said.

"Yeah, me too."

"Jennifer, that thing about the Exodus, it seemed to really bother you," she said suddenly quite serious.

"Uh-huh! I don't know much about your religious faith, but with us, we're bred to be hardcore believers and regular church goers. I've thought on this a lot since I started with the questioning, and it just doesn't correlate. One or the other is very wrong, and to tell the truth, they both seem to be wrong. I had to think that maybe it was two men—not God, or God inspired—that wrote the two different times. Finally, I wondered what else I'd find that was wrong if I dug into it all some more. That's a horrible feeling for coming from the church I was reared in. We just don't question though you think we should."

"Okay, what else is in there that's bothering you?" she presciently asked.

I had to think on that one. Did I really want to talk about it? The answer was yes; I couldn't hold it in, and there was no one I would rather be talking to about it than Paige.

"What if this all leads me to where I never thought it would go, but now I have to consider that it might?"

"Where's that?" she asked quietly.

"Our religion is a very central thing in our family. Paige, I'm pretty sure that it had to be two different guys who wrote those two very different times of the Exodus, and neither of them can be right unless we rewrite history, and that can't happen. That means that the bible isn't what we think it is, and if it isn't, then how can I go on with my beliefs as I've been raised?"

Again the considered my words, then got to the nub of it all.

"So I guess that you're wondering how your family will take it if you tell them, or if you just stop going to church, huh?"

I hung my head. "Yeah," I whispered sadly. "Just how would I tell them, or explain to them why I may not be going to church again. Then too, what do I do when I have none of those beliefs, sort of nothing to believe in?" I asked with an even sadder face.

"Maybe find something else to believe in, or keep looking for the truth as best you can?" she asked as if wondering herself.

"Yeah. Geez, how can I stop looking now, huh?" I asked, but it was more a statement.

"I don't envy you," she said. "Just do the best you can, I guess, or what you feel you should or have to."

The talk was everything I needed, all things considered. Impulsively, I reached over and hugged her.

"Thanks Paige. I did need to talk about it, and you're the only person I could do that with. You really helped me."

Once more my impulses overtook me, and I kissed her cheek, though quite chastely.

"Hey, I guess that's what friends are for, huh?" she said as she blushed madly. "Glad I was here for you."

"Me too," I said after letting go of her.

"Ready to try to sleep now?" she asked, or do we keep talking till one of us sees the other snoring?" she asked with a grin, her face still glowing a little.

"Hmpf! I guess that means you've had enough or you'll just have to pass out on me, huh?" I acted put out, but too quickly broke out in a grin of my own, and maybe a little red faced too.