A Learning Experience Ch. 03

"Sure Doc," I responded, "no problem."

I quickly sat down in one of the lazy boy chairs, and got to work. The doctor returned to his desk and pulled out some folders and began writing as well. Most of it was pretty standard stuff, my medical history, family history, was I taking any drugs, etc. But once past those, the questions got a lot tougher, now he was asking about specifics. When did you first feel you were the wrong gender, when did you first feel the need to wear womens clothes, and so on. I answered as honestly as I could, it was hard to believe that the first time I'd told anyone about this was just 2 weeks ago! Eventually I had finished the Q&A sheets and brought them over to the doctor's desk. I sat down in a chair at the front of the desk and waited for him to look up.

"Ah, sorry, you're so quiet I didn't hear you," he said as he smiled and reached over to take the papers from my hands. He went through them and put some of them into a folder on the desk, and the last two he sat and read very carefully. As he got towards the end, he let out a couple "Hmm-hms", and then a couple of "very interestings", and finally he seemed to pronounce this part finished with an "I see".

"Jack, you seem to be quite conflicted in how you view yourself, but that's obviously no surprise to you, in fact its whats really brought you here," he explained, "And as you may already know, such conflict isn't at all unusual in cases such as this. I'd like to start out with just a very easy therapy session with you, just for us to kind of get to know each other better. Then I want to have you take a couple of basic skills tests, you know the type, IQ tests, that type of thing. And finally today I want to do a basic neuro-muscular exam just to get a baseline going. Sound ok to you?"

"Ah... well sure," I said, "But doctor, I'm a little concerned about the cost of this therapy, how will I be able to pay for this?"

"Luckily Pennsylvania has a program to help people in your position," he responded, "and medicare will help with a number of parts involved in your particular therapy. Also there are private organizations who can help, and I'll have my secretary contact you about applying for those as you may need them."

"Oh, that makes me feel better," I sighed, "I've heard so many stories..."

"You're in good hands here Jack." he explained, "Now, sometimes you may think that we are moving awfully slowly. But there are very important reasons for doing so. You are going to be trying to 'handle' a tremendous amount of new feelings and emotions, and its your emotional and psychological health that we will be most concerned with. However as you progress, it will become more concentrated on your physical health."

"Ok doctor," I said, "what happens now?"

We transferred ourselves over to the sitting area, and he had me lie down on one of the couches to get comfortable, and then he sat and began asking a series of questions, that eventually turned into more of a conversation. Within this scenario I was finally able to really learn about what was going on within me, and why I had these feelings of actually being female, and was there an answer to help me feel better about myself.

I learned that there was a large spectrum of people that had opposite gender 'leanings', from those who enjoy just the feeling of the opposite gender's clothes. For example enjoying the feeling of silk underwear for the purpose of sexual release, to those who desire being completely clothed in the full costume, and for them its usually much more of a 'fetish' and the thrill of being discovered, or the humiliation in wearing the clothes of the opposite sex. And then there are those who have had feelings since childhood, that they should have been born as the other gender, and only feel complete when they can completely act and perform as a different gender.

The doctor asked me many questions, but one that he seemed to be the most concerned about for my answer, was when he asked if I needed to dress in female clothes in order to masturbate. I told him it wasn't required, but I did feel better when I had an orgasm when dressed that way. He then asked how I felt when I was dressed, after I'd had an orgasm. I wasn't sure what he meant, as I only ever felt fantastic afterwards, so he asked if I ever would eventually feel bad afterwards and want to take all the female clothes off immediately. To which I said 'no way', I love to be dressed as often as possible, and wished I could stay like that forever, especially after an orgasm. Of course, what flashed through my mind were the bad feelings that I had when I used bondage to have an orgasm, but I just felt that was something totally different than my cross-dressing and gender issues, so I didn't want that to interfere right now. I know he saw my hesitation, but he continued on in any case.

He didn't really ask me many more questions after this answer, and once he had finished writing his notes, he said, "Ok Jack, We've run a little long with our talk here, so I just want to run a baseline neuro-muscular test, and then I think we'll be finished for today. Come with me over to the exam area please."

We both walked over to the little tiled area, it looked like any regular doctor's exam room, except there seemed to be a lot more electronic equipment around. At my age just the sight of an exam table could get me nervous, too many unknowns, and especially too many unknown instruments lying around, looking very sharp and nasty.

"Alright Jack," the doctor began, "I need all your clothes off... you can put them in this little closet here, and here's a gown for you to wear in the meantime. You can leave your socks on if you like, it can get cool in here."

I only wish I could have had a picture of myself right after he said that, I probably looked exactly like the proverbial 'deer in the headlights'. I completely froze, as it just wasn't something I was even slightly expecting.

"Well... um... ah-are you sure th-that..." I stuttered.

"Yes, yes... c'mon Jack," he said firmly, "the sooner we get this done, the sooner you can get back to your friends."

I began moving, as if to my execution. The doctor left, and went back over to his desk to finish his notes and continued to ask if I was ready the whole time I was undressing.

I finally finished a few minutes later and sat on the end of the exam table, as if I was waiting to be hung for some terrible crime. The 'gown' was one of those awful paper things that doesn't cover much of anything, and just makes you feel silly.

"Ok Jack," he said, "Just relax and scoot back up the table a bit... that's it! Now lay down, and try to stay as still as you can."

He was simply a flurry of activity as he yanked yards of electrical leads out from under the table, then put my legs straight and pulled out a little ledge for them to lie on. Next he brought the back support up a few inches, and then propped up my head on the table's headrest. He quickly grabbed a strap from under my back area and fastened it around my torso and arms, and another one at about my crotch and wrists, and the last one he fastened around my legs, just below the knees, so I was basically going nowhere.

"Are you doing ok Jack?" he asked, "I have to immobilize you somewhat so that the sensors only pick up the signals we want them to; you won't be like this for long."

"Y-yeah... I-I'm f-fine doc", I lied, unfortunately as scared as all of this was making me, my cock was betraying me and getting just as hard as it could. Not that the doctor noticed, he was way too busy attaching leads to various spots on my skin, I'd guess he must have put over a hundred leads on me.

"Um... what are you measuring Doc?" I asked, "If you don't mind me asking?"

"Ah!" he replied, after taking a look at the only thing moving on my body.

"Don't worry," He said soothingly, "it's NOT measuring what you think!"

He then continued, "In the past, we relied too heavily on the questionable practice of phallometry, which pretty much lacked any critical supporting data to back up its claims of being an instrument able to determine the level of a male's sexual arousal."

After seeing the blank look on my face, he decided to translate, "Phallometry refers to the measurement of blood flow to your penis Jack. Just because you're getting an erection doesn't necessarily mean you are being 'turned on' by anything going on around you right now... ok?"

"Oh... OH!" I replied, as I suddenly understood, "You mean your body can get erections for other reasons besides sexual attraction to a specific thing or person?"
'
"Exactly!", he exclaimed, "Too many people have used that simple bodily function to judge the motivations of an incredibly complex machine, the human mind!"

"Wow," I said as I pondered all the times I'd seen a guy get a hard-on in the men's showers, and then be cruelly taunted as being 'shown' to be gay with 'you must be gay, look at how hard your dick is right now!'

"Somehow I always knew there HAD to be something else involved!" I said as the doctor simply smiled his silent agreement.

Finally he put a plastic band around my temple that seemed to have several sensors built into it. Once that was done, he busily worked on a keyboard and monitor that was behind my head. Then when he seemed to be happy with the beeps and boops that it was spitting out, he looked down at me, saying he was ready, and quickly snapped one more strap across my head, making that immobile. He reached above my head and pulled down a large TV monitor so that it took up almost my entire field of view.

"Jack..." he said, "You will see a series of pictures on this TV, after each picture you will be shown a set of symbols. I want you to tell me which symbol best reflects how you feel about the picture you just saw... ok?"

And after I said ok, off we went, some pictures had obvious sexual connotations and others just seemed to be filler, and others... wow, they were just plain weird. But true to his word, within about 15 minutes, he was unstrapping everything and asking me to get redressed again. Once I'd done that, I walked back over to his desk, where he was writing furiously again.

"Doctor?" I asked, "Is there anything else you need from me today?"

He took a sharp intake of air, and then sighed it back out just as quickly, "Jack, my diagnosis will undoubtedly be gender dysphoria. And my initial assessment is that you should be considered for full reassignment... Oh, please take a seat... I know this may be a lot for you to take in right now, but as time passes I'm afraid your own body will grow more and more repugnant to you, and based on your responses today, you may even begin wanting to hurt yourself."

He was right, it was a lot to take in, actually more than I thought. I always knew he might say exactly what he said, but now that he had said it...

"You have a very good psychological makeup right now, in other words, you have found various 'coping methods' that work for you, but those have only a finite capacity to provide you with enough mental stability to continue to function normally."

"So, if I'm hearing what you're saying right," I replied, "my continued mental health as Jack is doubtful, and so its important that I get my gender straight with my own mental image of myself, and 'become' Joscelyn all the time?"

"Well... yes, that's pretty close," he said, "is Joscelyn the female name you prefer?"

"Yes," I explained, "It was the name of a heroine in an old French love story that a girlfriend in high school was always talking about, I always loved that name."

"Alright Joscelyn," he again replied, "I'll write that down as your transition name then, you can't use it legally until the formal name change is completed, but that's the one I'll use to address you from now on."

Suddenly my head went spinning as I thought of how my parents would deal with all of this, that is to say, how they wouldn't be able to deal with any of this.

"Oh shit... sorry," I whined, "My parents will never go along with this... no way! Oh God, they get freaked if I change my class schedule, they'll kill me if I come home and tell them I'm going change my gender!"

"Well Jack," he said evenly, "you're above the legal age to make such decisions at this point, so I don't see where they would be able to stop you. Do you feel that you would be in danger there, once you start your transition?"

"Maybe not in danger exactly," I continued, "but it would be very difficult to have any kind of a normal life, that's for sure."

"In that case," the doctor suggested, "why not stay with us during this time, at least until you're fit and able to find another place of your own?"

"T-that is so... I don't know what to say," I stuttered, "Thank you, thank you for making such a kind offer, but I hope I won't need it."

"I hope so too Joscelyn," he said, "but in any case, you'll be able to take care of yourself and make this important change in your life, without too much stress. So why don't you forget about this for now, and go see if you can find Andy and your girlfriend... what was her name again?"

"Melissa," I said, "But we all call her Mel."

"Mmm, that's a pretty name too," he replied, "alright, we'll talk more tomorrow... Oh wait, I have some things I need you to start right away."

He jumped up from his desk and simply said, "Follow me, you'll be able to go back upstairs from there, it will be easier for you."

We turned and walked out of those huge double doors of his office and quickly down a little hall, and up to a door that was labeled 'pharmacy'. The doctor tapped a number into a small keypad next to the door handle, then a buzzer went off for a second before he grabbed the door's handle and opened the door. After we were inside, he pondered the various shelves and grabbed a couple of small transparent gold bottles before going over to some of the larger bottles up on a high shelf. Next he carefully counted out one type of little blue pill, then did the same for some white capsules, and finally put a large amount of red capsules into the last little gold bottle and brought them all over to where I was, wrote down some instructions on their labels and handed them to me.

"Take 1 of these," he started explaining, "3 times a day with meals, 2 of these once a day, time isn't important, take them whenever its convenient, and 2 of these every morning before you eat. Any questions?"

"I-I guess not," I was stuttering again, "But... what do they do again?"

"Ah! Of course... we already talked about them a little bit, but I'll go over them once again for you," he said softly, "Well, the little blue ones are Valium, to help with the stress you'll feel as you go through this process, and the others are for your HRT or hormone replacement therapy. The white ones are a special formulation of estrogens and progestogens, and the red ones are antiandrogens. Now remember to take them today because I'll be giving you a booster injection tomorrow, and I need them in your system ahead of that... well, I think that's everything, I'll see you tomorrow... ok?"

"Ok doctor," I said, "And I can't thank you and Andy enough... for everything."

I managed to find my way back to the kitchen by backtracking through the various hallways and foyers I came through earlier. As I got to one of the windows that looked out to the driveway, I could see Andy's car was not there. Wow, it was 3:30 in the afternoon and Andy and the girls were still not back yet. I went upstairs and decided I'd see if a nap might be possible before they got home, after last night, I sure could use it. I sprinted up the steps to our bedroom, and closed the door.

My mind was flooded with all the emotions and pent-up frustration of wanting to be a woman for so long, and now... was it really going to happen? It still didn't seem real; this was probably all going to disappear when I awoke... I remembered the little blue pills, opened the bottle and took one with a glass of water, when I looked down and also realized I should take the others now too, so I popped their tops and got out the required number and downed them as well, laid down, and I fell into a deep sleep.