A Learning Experience Ch. 06

My lover begins to push his rigid shaft straight down into me, gaining momentum from each bounce of the mattress beneath us. Being taken in this position feels so incredible as the springiness of this waveless waterbed mattress makes me feel even less in control than before. Impaled from above, I can do nothing but try to catch my breath between each powerful thrust down inside of me. His thighs begin to slap against my bare behind and the sound serves to excite me more and more...

He sees my excitement growing harder in my panties, and begins pulling his shaft out all the more slowly, than ramming it hard across my prostate with even more force. I was in my own star filled little world, and he was fucking me with every muscle he could bring to bear, and it was beyond wonderful... far beyond any experience I'd ever encountered. My anus was aflame with pure pleasure at receiving this wonderful battering. My lovers eyes closed as he continued to pump in and out of me, both of us flying further up off the bed after each down stroke as the water continues to make us bob up and down. My breasts bounce as I absorb the shock of each grunting push between my buttocks... I don't know what to do with my hands... I don't know what to do at all... except moan helplessly in delight at what is being done to me, and beg for it to continue.

"GOD baby... YES... Please... y-yeah... fuck me! Harder baby... oh please... please, harder!" and then it became a series of orgasmic sensations, one after another. All I could think was that I was lost in the power of this man's love and it was as powerful as I'd ever imagined being taken. With my bursting erection hidden inside the many folds of silk holding it well out of the way, I feel totally, gorgeously, feminine. My breasts are heaving against the strength of his chest, my hips rise and fall in his controlling hands, and at the very center of my soul, I now know how it feels to be a woman preparing for her man to come between her eager legs, and to lovingly receive his gift of hot seed deep inside of her. In the meantime... begging turns into high pitched screaming.

Finally, as my arms flail above me, he grabs my wrists, trapping my freckled arms and pinning them over my head. Clamping his mouth over mine, my screams gagged quite effectively, I am brought to the hardest, strongest, multi-orgasm I'd ever had. What was happening to me? All I could see were flashes of white light. All I could do was orgasm again and again, and all of it happening without a single touch to my own penis. I screamed into his mouth until he was sated and I could no longer cum, as if my mind and body were no longer connected. Even though my cock was now completely flaccid, I had cum so much through my gaff that we were awash in it.

My eyes rolled up into my head after this, I was so done. I was sure all of my muscles would no longer work and I would be paralyzed for life. Had to be... nothing else had come close to this level of orgasm for me. And yet as he gradually fell out of me, and I felt his seed weep from my bottom, I felt the muscles in my legs and back give a gentle spasm, as if to signal me all was well. He leaned back and watched with his usual wry smile, and I finally... quietly... laid my head onto that massive chest and listened to his beautiful heart as it now seemed to beat only for me.

Totally spent and lying on top of him, immersed in the afterglow of both our orgasms. I loved the casual intimacy of his hands moving down my body, sliding under my taut suspender straps and idly stroking my bare behind. I feel like purring like a cat that's caught her very first mouse. I feel so satisfied to know that it was my body that so well and truly satiated this man. Indeed, my insides are filled with his newly deposited sperm and I know that soon I will have to retire to the bathroom, if only to preserve some of my feminine mystery... always allowing my lover to think his seed is treasured and remains inside of his lover's body forever and always.

After awhile, as the spasms calm and we both could get our breath back, I ask him how and where he'd learned so much about anal sex. He began telling me of the many 'ladyboys' in Southeast Asia and the high regard they were given in countries like Cambodia and Thailand. Both countries he had been assigned to as part of Green Beret MACV-SOG deployment groups that were so secret he finally looked me in the eye and told me if I ever said anything about it to anyone he'd have to kill me. And I believed him, at this point it's been 40 years and everyone knows we had soldiers in those countries, but in 1975, nobody I knew had any idea, and I kept my mouth shut.

Gradually we both fell fast asleep, but a couple returning muscle spasms along with some minor pains awakened me a couple hours later. As my eyes adjusted to the dark, I saw this would be the time to disappear into the bathroom and clean myself up.

Rising up on one arm, I tried not to wake my lover. Fast asleep and spread out in the middle of the waterbed, his pale, naked body was softly illuminated by the moonlight coming through his bedroom window. I survey the sturdy, masculine frame in front of me, noting the narrow waist, the strength in the arms and shoulders. The same arms that held me firm while thrusting into me. The muscles in his massive chest, that same broad chest that I had felt tight against me as he reached his orgasm deep inside me. This body belonged to the man who had uncovered my deepest desires, making me totally surrender to them, and making me want to do it again... and again.

Suddenly, I felt dangerously out of control... had I finally found what seemed like a real boyfriend, someone for whom I could finally be their subservient female? Sucking his cock and letting him fuck me good and proper? There just wasn't anything on earth that even came close to how being taken by this man made me feel, wasn't this what I had been searching so hard for?

I knew that I could easily become more and more deeply involved with this man's life as Josie, a life that would revolve around appeasing his desires, letting him take control and using me sexually, as he saw fit. But if I truly was a woman, shouldn't I feel appalled? Did I want to be owned as chattel? What was I really excited about... the sex? Why was I so conflicted about all of this, was it an ethical question? Could I simply tell my beautiful Melissa that I was leaving her for this man? But here I was... finding it all so totally intoxicating and fulfilling, in my mind at least, that there was simply no question of staying here, and leaving my life with Mel behind.

I deftly vaulted out of the waterbed and went into the bathroom, where I locked the door behind me, and began to clean my sore bottom of the semen that had been deposited there by my lover only a couple hours earlier. But with all of the contemplation I had been doing recently, seemed like years had past. Finally I realized I had been taking far too long in the bathroom and needed to get back to bed before Smitty got worried and came looking for me. I flushed the toilet, unlocked the door, and crept back into the bedroom and laid back down next to my slumbering giant.

I heard a long sigh, and realized I had been in there too long.

"You wanna talk about it?" His voice rumbled quietly in the dark.

I sat up next to him and placed a tentative hand on his arm.

"I'm so sorry to wake you Smitty..."

"Mmmfph!... I'll take that as a yes..." He leaned over and turned on the bedside lamp. His two indoor dogs came up to investigate, although it seemed they mostly wanted to just get a couple of pets, and be close to their master. I began to sense we had a lot more in common than I'd thought, but my tough facade suddenly all began to fall... to pieces.

"Oh honey... why are you..." Tears were streaming down my face now, and just as he reached out to me, I tumbled into his arms.

"God I'm... I'm such a mess..." I blubbered.

"Josie? Josie, what brought this on?"

"Oh... I'm sorry Smitty," I gradually managed to halt the waterworks, but it came back as a scream, "I just... I just realized I've fallen in love with you. But dammit... I don't understand... hell, I just don't understand ANY OF THIS!"

I really didn't know enough to put it all into words yet, what I did know was this: I had NEVER made love to a woman as Smitty had just done to me. And... I realized I COULD never make love to a woman as he had just done to me.

For a very simple reason I'd totally overlooked... I was not a man, and never had been, I had only been acting as a man for those early years of my life. The fact I reacted as strongly as I did showed me my sexual orientation had to have always been to men, despite my feelings for Mel and any number of others, which now confused me completely. I tried to explain to Smitty.

"Honey, it suddenly hit me after your lovemaking that my sexual orientation has to be men only!" I cried, "My bisexual feelings are just all wrong! And I don't understand this really, but I know it will absolutely devastate Mel!

Shaking his head to clear the cobwebs a little, Smitty stared into my eyes for some time before he cleared his throat forcefully.

"Oh sweetie," He cooed, holding me and stroking my platinum hair over and over, "I'm your first... aren't I? Your first man... oh Josie... why didn't you tell me?"

"Well, actually... wait," I said slowly, giving him eye contact, and trying to understand why any of this would be an important issue, "You're right, the first man I tried to make love to was that jerk Roy, and nothing ever came of it. Yes, you are my first male lover baby... so wh-what are you saying?"

"Josie you are way overdone honey! You've been through too much and I shouldn't have allowed this. This is my fault... I had not had sex in several weeks and I came on way too rough, plus I wasn't aware that I would be your first male sex partner... please believe me Josie... that's all this is!"

"Yeah?" Was all I could squeak out, as waves of hot emotion rolled over me, "Do you really think it's that simple baby?"

Pulling in a huge breath, he said, "Of course I do, and before you upset Mel, I beg you to discuss this with your Doctor... please honey will you do this for me? I want you to promise me right now that you'll talk with your Doctor first before you go and ruin your whole life and make me a part of such a terrible outcome... ok?"

"But what..." I began, but he knew where I was going and interrupted.

"When I was in Southeast Asia, we always knew to ask our 'ladyboys' if we 'round eyes' or soldiers, would be their first sex partners. The soldiers tended to be such overwhelming, well... overwhelmingly horny anyway... sex partners that they often times became psychologically bonded to us, especially if they had recently been through any significant psychological trauma, as you were Josie."

"Sweetie we gotta get your pins under you again, and then you'll be able to trust your own instincts, but right now your mind is tellin' you it wants a protector. And babe... you ARE a protector... or you wouldn't be here tonight. You came here to protect me didn't ya?" he asked and asked again, "Well... didn't you?"

"I... just," I sighed, then admitted, "I thought we needed to heal each other Smitty."

"Of course you did," he said with that incredible grin of his, "and those are the actions of a protector sweetheart, but the trauma you've experienced is pushing those feelings away, replacing them with the need for your own protection. No, I never should have done this and I take complete responsibility, can you forgive me honey?"

Suddenly I saw another side to my biker hero... a really, really good side as he could have had me entirely to himself if he had not done what he always did... the right thing! I immediately calmed down as his logic took hold, smiling at him through my tears I finally responded.

"Of course I will, for my part there is nothing to forgive, and I promise darlin', I'll talk with my doctor about this before I talk to Mel!"

He gently stroked my right hand as he said, "Thanks Josie, and thank you for giving me such a wonderful night, I won't ever forget it and I... promise you that!"

With my face now blushing a bright crimson and both our demeanors seemingly happier I said, "C'mon my handsome hero, let's take a shower and spoon together until the sun comes up, then you can take me home and maybe I'll be able to figure out what's happening with the rest of my life!"

***

After that night, many times I would find myself just as confused as I had been with Smitty on his huge waterbed. Even more often I knew that I was dealing with basic depression, and then a very few other times I would simply feel completely out of control. These dark patches of pain and anguish that make up PTSD, can take years to overcome for almost anyone, if they manage to overcome it at all. I had one of the best Doctors on the east coast helping me, along with a couple close friends that made sure I was always busy with things. Between them I was managing my 'issues' pretty well. Or at least I thought I was... but life has a funny way of reminding you just how fleeting hope can be, and the nasty surprises it had in store would bring that home to me.

A couple weeks later, my Doctor and I made plans to confront my father with his new daughter dressed as a female. We decided the best form to use was what seemed to help my mother come to the level acceptance she had (although it was never very much help to me, because until my father finally gave his blessing, her opinion was nothing much more than that, even from her point of view). So I would once again wear my dark blue pin stripe business suit, trying for as low-key of an image as I could provide. Still, I kept the theme feminine with nylons, garter belt and a pair of low heeled 3 inch black patent pumps I bought especially for this day. Dr. Goldmann met me at the college, in our Music Club offices. I had been staying with Mel and Cindy for several nights, and got dressed there. After saying hello to his son Andy and his son's girlfriend Cindy, we left to get into the Doctor's car and go to my home. As he started his BMW I asked if it usually started this easily, and he said 'of course'. He gave me a questioning glance, but I had my reasons for asking.

We had a quiet ride over, I'm sure the Doctor was hoping for the same outcome we'd had when we talked to my mom. I was pretty sure that was why he was constantly asking for this 'meeting', he had convinced himself this was a feasible solution and worth an effort as soon as possible. My feelings were that my dad would see the Doctor as a threat to his/our family, and attack the Doctor as soon as possible after we arrived. I had told him about my feelings, and what I expected to happen after we arrived there, but I could not convince him that any real danger existed for anyone but me.

"Please believe me Josie," he stated calmly, "I've been through many meetings like this one, and if we see any hostile behavior, I'll get between you to defuse the situation. All I'll need you to do is leave and go out to the car, once you're out of the picture, that should be an end to it and we'll leave... although that will be unfortunate."

"Doctor... that's not how my Dad thinks," I tried to reason, "He'll see you as the threat... but I've given you my point of view too many times to repeat it again, so..."

"Yes, well please," he stated, showing annoyance, "can we try it my way this once?"

I just wasn't sure if my dad would want to kill him, or simply frighten him, but in any case... I knew my Doctor was walking into a very serious situation. I got out of the car and reminded him to leave the doors unlocked. He rolled his eyes in response. It was a little after ten on this Friday morning, and I knew my Dad had the day off. I had asked my mom to please be sure he was in as good a mood as she could make possible.

There was nowhere to hide anymore. If I wanted to retain my family, my Dad would have to be drug... kicking and screaming probably... along for the ride. He knew what was happening and had vocally described his opposition to my transition. For most family issues it would have been enough, you see... I loved my Dad. He had sacrificed so much for his family and always stepped up to the plate when things were bad. So many times he would take crap jobs just to make sure we could have all the things that made our lives so typically middle class. And then he took night jobs to make up the slack, he would do anything for our family. But he was also a complete bigot, and no family member of his was going to do anything to make him appear related to any of those people who's derogatory names he knew so well... like faggots. Honestly... I don't think my Dad would know a faggot if he fell over one... like all bigots, he just thought he did.

I opened our front door, allowing my Doctor to go inside, and shut it behind us. I could just barely see my Dad's feet in the downstairs family room, said a silent prayer, and took the six steps easily in my three inch heels. I kept my posture perfect, I was trying to make an impression after all. I smiled over at my Dad when I got to the bottom step, and waited for the Doctor to come down behind me. At first he pretended not to know who I was, and went back to reading his paper, as if I might go away if he just ignored me long enough, then the Doctor reached the family room floor and it began.

"Hi Dad," I said, "I brought Doctor Goldmann this morning so you could see how things are going with..."

I never got any further, suddenly my Dad threw his opened paper behind him several feet, resulting in a whoosh of air as parts of the paper went everywhere. His face had flushed to a dark shade of purple as he shot up out of his easy chair, he leveled his arm out straight and pointed to the Doctor.

"I know what he is," he snarled, "He thinks he can turn my kid into some faggot fucking sissy bitch, that's what HE is!"

My Doctor was actually surprised by this, which forced an eye roll and smirk on my part, but at least I already knew that THIS meeting was OVER.

"Please Mr. Hartman, there's no need to..."

"Think you can just barge into my house... FUCKIN' SONOFA...!"

My Dad had gone to a corner of the room farthest from the door. I knew what was kept there, and fortunately for the Doctor, my Mom wouldn't allow firearms in our home, so what he pulled out was a full sized hardball bat, and began walking around toward the Doctor, swinging it back and forth as he came. I quickly yanked off my expensive patent leather pumps, and hiked up my pencil skirt. The Doctor, being sure that my Dad would be trying to attack me, actually moved to stand between us.

As my Dad raised the bat for his first blow, I grabbed the Doctor and spun him onto the floor behind me, just barely keeping him out of the reach of my Dad's Louisville Slugger. The big bat missed the Doctor and slammed into one of the end tables, turning it into a pile of kindling. Now, I took my hundred and twenty dollar heels, placed them in my Doctor's trembling hands and said...

"Get the hell outta here and start up the car!"

The other thing my Dad knew was I had been studying martial arts with Smitty, and we had trained many times in our backyard. The Doctor scrambled to his feet and ran to get his car started, which left me facing my bat-wielding Father. I could see the realization come over him, that his sissy son could, quite probably, take his baseball bat away from him and then proceed to beat the crap out of him. Just as he was coming to terms with this, my Mom flew downstairs after hearing the end table smashed to bits. She began screaming for him to stop, but instead he lashed out at the closest person he could blame. His quick backhand threw my Mother across the room, with his usual blame everyone formula, he then began yelling at her, as if it was all her fault.