A Learning Experience Ch. 08

The next couple of days were a bit blurred. I awoke tucked into my bed, surrounded by pillows, while a large, well-padded living room chair was facing the bed right next to me. Mel was reading a magazine and keeping an eye on me every minute.

"Hey... you're awake... How 'bout a little something to eat baby?" she asked.

"Okay... wh-what time... what day is it?" I tried to respond, but I really don't think I would have known if anyone had told me, I just went with the flow for now!

Mel fed me some chicken broth and a couple crackers, carefully ladling it into my mouth, licking anything that dripped down my chin, smiling with each of the giggles she managed to get from me. This allowed me to take my medication without having it come right back up. But I no sooner felt better than I was once again drifting off.

Of course, the pain meds had been prescribed by Doctor Goldmann, and I never understood then the terrible risks he took to do that, even though I would have told anyone who asked that he was NOT my doctor at that time, I remained very angry with him for what he had said that day my father attacked him. It is amazing the black and white image we see when we are young... and foolish. But somehow he continued to care about me, making sure Cindy had whatever she needed to care for me, even though I refused to acknowledge it. That I was in any kind of reasonable shape, and had survived as long as this, was due entirely to his help once again.

It was a fairly quiet and foggy Monday morning that was dawning as I awoke, and after I pulled away a few of the pillows that surrounded my head, saw my beautiful Melissa, asleep in the easy chair next to my bed. Her softly curled blond locks covered the book she had been reading, no doubt after carefully watching over my well being all night long. I had sweated out at least once during the night, my sheets damp and cold to the touch. They made me shiver, as I slowly tried to get up to go to the little girl's room just across the hall.

I stood and paused for a moment, gazing down at my beloved Mel, who had never given up on me, and had remained my stalwart friend while I tried to make a living in as idiotic a pursuit as I could have ever probably come up with. That I had dodged the multitude of sexually transmitted diseases on the street in Philly at that time was nothing less than a miracle, to say nothing of the other dangers the stray cats faced on a daily basis as streetwalkers in one of Americas most dangerous big cities for the transgendered. I sighed thinking of what an absolute fool I'd been, a hot tear fell across my cheek, before falling in a long arc and hitting her shoulder.

Apparently I would need to be more careful in my present condition. According to Mel, she awoke from my errant tear just in time to see me fall over the back of her chair, and do a full somersault into the hallway between the bedroom and bath! In a scene that reminded me of Dorothy waking up in the Wizard Of Oz, I had Billy, Smitty, Mel, Cindy and 3 or 4 other friends lined up around my bed, looking very concerned.

"Wh... What happened?" I asked quite amazed that in one moment I was on my way to use the toilet, and the next in my bed, surrounded by all my friends.

"Well, as best we can figure," Cindy responded, "you tried to get up and use the bathroom."

"Yeah... but," I protested.

"...AND... luckily Mel had so many pillows strewn around that after you fainted," Cindy paused here to allow me to understand what actually happened, then continued, "and fell over, you landed on the pillows, then slid into the hallway, which was where we all found you with Mel screaming for help."

"Oh my God! No..." I whined, covering my face with my hands.

Cindy leaned over and stuck a thermometer into my mouth at this point, and the guys quietly laughed as they realized I was only embarrassed, and left, along with everyone else except Cindy and Mel, who was holding my hand and stroking my arm.

"Mel honey, why don't you go down and get Josie some more broth and crackers, okay?"

Cindy and I sat and looked at each other as Mel went off to get what would be my breakfast. After a couple minutes, she pulled the thermometer out and looked carefully at the tiny numbers along its sides, finally shaking her head, and putting it back into the holder.

"Still a hundred and three... and about a half," she said frowning, "well... thank God we made it to Monday morning... lets hope your old doctor will see you just walking in."

"I'm being an ass... aren't I?" I sighed shaking my head, "I'm only thinking of myself after you..."

I let the words trail off, and my tears were ready to start up once more as well. I needed to tell these wonderful friends just how much I loved them. But I had screwed up so badly. I just didn't know how to begin to make it right again.

"Mel told me you were crying just before you fell," Cindy said softly, "what's going on Josie?"

"Thank you." I said, thinking that a logical place to start. Cindy cocked her head and her eyebrows raised into a questioning glance towards me.

"Thank me for wh...?" she attempted to reply.

"Thank you for searching for me," I said again, "Mel told me all that you two did trying to find me after I... well... after I disappeared."

"Josie... you don't have to..."

"I just didn't think I was worth looking for," I said, then saw that she was upset and replied before she could say what I knew she would, "Please Cindy, I'm sorry, I know that might sound awful... but honestly it was just 'where I was at' right then. I doubt there could have been anyone who hated me more than I hated myself at that point in time!"

"But Josie... for God's sake... why?" she asked, and I knew it was time for Mel... and Cindy... to understand me a little better than they did.

"Because... you were right!" and here the sigh that I gave felt just as bad as it sounded, and as if it was preplanned, Mel came into the room with my little tray of breakfast. So I asked her to shut and lock the door, and she came over and sat down next to Cindy.

"Yes. You were right Cindy. Months ago, after you found out about the Pagans and you began really looking into my background, I should have told you then, but I couldn't. You were right to think I would be a terrible match for your sister... because I am!"

"What's going on here?" Mel asked in an angry tone.

"Honey, I was about to explain to Cindy... the reason I hated myself so badly that I didn't want to be with you... or with anyone after my family disowned me. It was a combination of things... but you two have been so much like Sisters to me, that I just..."

"Oh shit! Melissa... you have to know... I have a daughter!"

"What?" Mel asked softly... I knew she heard me, she just couldn't make sense of it.

"I'm sorry... I was underage... SHE was underage... and our daughter was put up for adoption. When I turned eighteen I started saving up to find her. I contacted an attorney who started looking for her, but he found out she had been adopted through the Canadian legal system, apparently the adoption agency was a catholic charity based in Canada. I then contacted an attorney there to search for her, but because I never put my name into any of the paperwork, its almost impossible for anyone to search on my behalf, but now that I'm... not a boy... er, man anymore... oh God Mel... I'm so so sorry!"

I didn't know what to do, I seemed to be forced to hurt this woman I loved at every turn. I had to tell her and now was as good a time as any I supposed... but as I looked up and saw the pain on her face... I simply wanted to die. I began to curl up into a ball... it was time, past time for me to end this mess of a life.

Then I thought I felt something touch my cheek, and I opened my eyes. Mel was stroking my cheek with the tops of her fingers and trying the best she could to dry my tears, as well as stop shedding them herself. I slowly touched her arm, and brought my own hand to her face to wipe away her tears. We gradually pulled each other into a tight embrace rocking each other as we both repeated "I'm sorry" to each other. I then explained all of the details of how I'd tried to deal with never seeing my daughter to them, but Cindy's response, well... it wasn't what I'd expected... not AT ALL!

"Sorry... bah! SO?!" asked Cindy in an, even for her, incredibly nasty and sarcastic tone.

"So... I ruined her young teenaged life, and caused a newborn baby to be brought into this world without knowing who her father ever was, and never knowing the touch or voice of her natural mother... what do you mean... SO!?" I droned back in reply, my God, what did she want... what more was needed to know how much of a fuck up I was!

"Ha!..." Cindy laughed at me, and looked over to her Sister, then after pausing for a couple minutes, she went on in her sarcastic tone of voice, "she's never told you has she?"

Cindy's green eyes seemed sad... yet lit up as always when she was excited, but I didn't really care as I was fed up now, whatever this silliness was about, I wasn't having anything to do with it!

"She told you I ran away from home, that I became a streetwalker, just as you had, didn't she?" Cindy asked, "But I bet she didn't tell you about my abortion... the 'family secret', no? Well... so you got a girl pregnant? Congratulations! But I have news honey, it happens everyday, and even when everything has been preplanned ahead. Things go wrong, life... happens... Josie! C'MON!"

The word abortion took my breath away, it was a reasonably rare thing even in the late 70s, and to know that Cindy had one... well, that changed how I looked at her whole life really.

"So that was it?" She asked, her tone changing, becoming softer, "This is the reason you hate yourself so badly? Hell Josie, even I know you well enough to say you certainly didn't do it on purpose... you were ignorant... what... 15 years old? Who do you think you are? Of course you didn't know enough to use protection! And of course the father wanted you dead, and the mother wanted you out of the way. Everything you've just explained makes perfect sense for a pair of 15 year old kids!"

Cindy sighed long and hard now. "Please... Josie... you have to listen, if not to me, someone else that you respect, preferably an older female. You can't beat yourself up forever over this... MEL! C'mon and back me up here! Your girlfriend is letting this become something it was never supposed to be. Josie... you didn't ruin her life... it was an unfortunate thing to have had happen, giving birth and having to put the child up for adoption is tough... but at some point you realize your mistakes in life... and you move on. She gave birth to a healthy baby at least, that's what you said, right? This should never have ruined anyone's life, unless THEY allowed it to!"

"But Cindy... I think what Josie's really upset about, is she may never see her own child... that was what made her desperate enough to use drugs to live through the pain... Josie?" Mel asked.

"Well... yes, but..." I began before once again Cindy interrupted.

"What have I always said?... there's always someone worse off... okay its time you understand just how bad life can really get. I had to learn it first hand, as you just did, but my demons were drugs more than sex or gender. They drove me to want anything anyone had... period. The effect that those drugs could have on a pregnancy, I was never even aware of... oh Josie... I was only 17... I didn't know I was pregnant either. My pimp had me so stoned most of the time, I never figured out that my period was late for almost three months. The doctors had a name a mile long for what happened, but I only needed one look at a fuzzy ultrasound image to understand just how badly I'd not only screwed up my life, but the life that had attempted to grow inside me... good lord..."

"Cindy... you don't have to..." I gently tried to say as I could now see the pain that had ruled Cindy's life for as long as I had known her... but I never had a nightmare so cruel as her reality.

"No... you need to hear this I think. You may never see your child, its true, and darling... my heart truly breaks for you. But I saw mine... and watched her die in my own womb. Please... dear God please will you tell me Josie... which is worse? What's the fucking worst this world can do to us for our stupid mistakes? Aww shit..."

Cindy jumped up quickly, perhaps to cry somewhere else. I grabbed her wrists and pulled her back to Mel and I, repeating the same phrase she had just chided us for using, but it was so important she hear it finally... obviously she was still haunted by this, it was past time for us ALL to heal.

"I AM sorry Cindy... you were just as young and foolish as I had been! As far as I am concerned both you AND Mel are my Sisters from this moment on. I have been an ass... and that stops today. I've been feeling so damned sorry for myself over everything. Shit... SHIT! Maybe we can't pick our own families, but it seems to me fate put us together, and therefore fate forged us into the family we are now! I love you Cindy, and you know I adore your Sister, both of you... and I want us to promise we'll never leave each other, not EVER! Please, let us face everything as a family from now on!"

"Alright honey," Cindy sniffed, trying to control her tears, just as Mel and I were doing.

"Family then?" I asked, and we hugged together as hard as I dared, with the pain I was in, but I just didn't care about my physical pain anymore... it was time to heal mentally.

"You're right Josie. You probably wouldn't be thinking along these lines, so I'll suggest it for you, here and now... I think you two should get married," Cindy said, hitting me with so much feeling and emotion I once again nearly fainted, "and while you still can as man and wife."

"But... wouldn't my sex change nullify any marriage vows...?" I lamely tried to reply.

"No," Cindy laughed back, "you'll find the concept of marriage hasn't even begun to address the gender change of one of the couple yet... and probably won't in our lifetimes. But married, at least you'll both have some laws on your side in the event of disability or, God forbid, death. Right now neither of you could make any decisions concerning how the other might be buried, or anything else, you might as well be total strangers."

"Well... jeez Cindy," I laughed now too, and pressed my hand into Mel's, "you're right, I hadn't thought about marriage at all, at least give a guy... um... oh shit... gimme some time to think this through... okay?"

Cindy's eyebrows arched as she looked down at my ladies, "Well honey... I'd think quick if I was you, those melons sure don't look like they're getting any smaller!"

We all laughed at that, mostly it felt good just to chase the tears away. Once we had calmed down a bit, Mel went downstairs and re-heated my soup and got fresh crackers, which I downed quickly, as it was pretty plain I needed to get to my Doctor as soon as possible!

After I finished eating, Mel and Cindy helped me dress in some loose fitting jeans of Mel's, a sweatshirt, and a pair of mary jane flats she found in my size, I was going to a Doctor's office after all, not a nightclub! Mel helped me put on some light make-up, as I noticed my face color was turning an almost gray color, and the pain had etched lines along the tops of my cheeks, and dark circles under my eyes finally told me my situation was becoming critical, I hoped I was doing the right thing.

It seemed like our house was starting to resemble a clubhouse, as I was carefully climbing down the steps to the living room, I realized several folks were visiting. Once I made it past the last step, they all broke into spontaneous applause which I couldn't understand at first, but then assumed it must be in jest somehow after my fall earlier. I laughed and acknowledged their accolade with a small wave as we gradually made our way out to the car. I gave them my heartfelt thanks for their help in getting me back to my 'true' home, and said I needed to see the Doctor, but I would be back soon.

Once we were in the car and on our way, Cindy explained that I had developed a following.

"Wait... what following? Why would anyone be interested in me?"

"Oh Josie, I don't think you quite understand yet just what your exploits have meant!"

"Huh... what exploits?" I asked incredulously.

"Its one of the reasons why I got angry when you were feeling so sorry for yourself earlier," Cindy explained, "Josie, I ran away to live out on the street, just as you did, but I never stood up to a Pimp or rescued anyone they'd kidnapped... honey, you've got real guts, and you were definitely someone worth searching for... okay? In fact, a number of people are interested in you and want to talk about your future... but not until you're feeling better... I won't let 'em near ya until then!"

"Well, dunno about any of that... but thank goodness my family found me... my REAL family!" I exclaimed kissing both of my newest 'Sisters' on their cheeks... exploits indeed! I managed to guide Cindy to our family Doctor's office. A nondescript 1950's single floor bungalow that wouldn't have been noticed without the Doctor's shingle hanging next to the front breezeway. But it was just where I'd said it would be, and we parked in the drive and walked into the office.

I honestly couldn't remember when I'd been here last. But I thought it likely it was for some kind of health check for playing soccer in high school. Obviously they likely wouldn't recognize me now, but I hoped that my family ties would help to get past that. As we got inside, I recognized the nurse and remembered her name was Francine. She was a tall thin black woman who chain-smoked almost constantly. Sitting behind her desk, she looked up as we walked in to the empty waiting room that morning, and asked in a husky voice if I had an appointment.

"Hi Francine," I said tentatively, "I don't suppose you recognize me... but um... I'm Jack Hartman... or um... I used to be Jack... I'm going by Joscelyn now."

As with so many who saw me now, after months of HRT, and heard me, after weeks of vocal training, Francine had that 'deer in the headlights' frozen look on her face for a couple minutes. Hearing my feminine alto-toned voice, while scanning my body's new curves and very feminine shape, always seemed to pause everything. Finally shaking herself out of it, she was now searching my face for any hint of the 14yo male soccer goalie that needed a health checkup for participation in the High School's varsity soccer team.

"Excuse me?" she finally managed to say.

"I'm Jack, Francine, really I am, I'm going through a gender transition, male to female... understand?"

"I-I... well you seem to be," she was struggling.

"I think I have a high temperature, and a LOT of pain, mostly in my neck and back."

This seemed to change everything as she was a professional first after all, and no matter what gender walked in the door, a high temp was cause for concern.

"Alright honey," she was all business now, "let me get your records, just a sec..."

I looked back at Cindy and Mel and told them I would be okay now, and they wandered over to a couch and sat down, Mel looking like she would jump at the slightest loud noise. I went over and kissed her head lightly, just as Francine came back.

"Jack... sorry, Joscelyn?" she paused.

"Yes Francine," I laughed, trying to lighten things, "Joscelyn will be fine, thanks!"

"Follow me down here please," she was walking down a small hallway that years ago led to the small bungalow's bedrooms, but now were exam rooms, "Alright, if you'll get up onto the exam table, we'll get you going here."

She pulled a glass thermometer out of an alcohol filled holder, shaking it thoroughly to get the alcohol off as well as compress the mercury down below normal. Finally she wiped it well with a paper towel and made sure it registered well below 98.6 degrees, then popped it into my mouth and told me to keep it under my tongue.