A Learning Experience Ch. 08

"Susan," I said carefully, choosing my words with purpose, "Its unfortunate that you want to take the same view as so much of society, that somehow this is about my sexuality, and that I must therefore be gay... you of all people should know how important changing my external gender to female is to me... to my continued happiness... even sanity."

"Its society that calls the shots here Jack," she said falling back on her sarcasm, "what... you think that somehow you're going to change it all yourself by pretending to be female? Mincing around looking like some kind of... of... FREAK!"

"Okay," I said, untying the sash of my peasant blouse, then unhooking the front of my sports bra, my ladies were a good size C, and as I showed them to her, she simply turned away, "Susan... SUSAN! LOOK AT THESE! Do I look like I'm pretending? And I have also petitioned to have my name changed. Its been approved and six weeks have elapsed, so technically Sue... you really need to be calling me Joscelyn."

"I can't believe you did this," she said, as she sat down hard and simply stared at my breasts, she apparently thought they were fakes, and I suspected that. So I continued despite my anger.

"Listen to me," I explained as I hooked my bra together and tucked my ladies back into my blouse. "You know as well as anyone what my gender issues have been, have ALWAYS been. Time and time again I've cried to you after explaining a new friend mistook my voice for a female's over the phone... then have everyone from checkout women, to my driver's examiner tell me how much I look like a girl... how I'd need to be careful and then with a smirk, make sure I let any police know my gender 'up front'... and you've heard all this bigoted bullshit before... shit! What the fuck Sue?!"

I found myself slamming my fists down on the exam table so hard I dented the small tray set into its headboard, a very male response... yet my male support system I had always relied on was simply gone... I was supposed to be a female... but right now I didn't know what I was... except angry... just out of control angry. But instead of flying into a worse rage... my usual male way of 'handling it'... suddenly Doctor Goldmann's voice was there.

'Breathe Josie... count to three... breathe... and again... ', I was calming down! I... could feel... my muscles unwind... the breath control he had taught me. I was doing it automatically now!

"My transition has nothing whatever to do with my sexual orientation Sue," I said in a calm voice as my body's control gradually returned, "and I only BEGAN to come to that understanding with my Doctor's help. It's been a very hard lesson in some cases, including finally learning that I am bisexual, but even that had nothing to do with my yearning to have my external gender be female. And frankly... well, I don't know how else to say this, but not one man that I've propositioned has taken me for anything but a genuine female... Sue... I pass."

My Sister's bottom lip was quivering, her eyes were brimming, and I could see a terrible pain had welled up and was about to boil over. By regaining my self-control, I'd overcome her objections.

"Oh Jack," she began crying, "I'm so afraid for you... you'll lose so much!"

It was amazing that my Sister had just uttered the same fear for me as I had for myself, although from differing viewpoints. I was afraid for myself, because of the loss of my family, and she was afraid for me, because she perceived that being female instead of male would somehow be a great loss for me.

"Sue... I'm only afraid I've lost my entire family, please don't let me lose you," I cried as I opened my arms and reached towards her... but she still hesitated, "Hun... you'll have to come to me, I can barely walk right now,"

Suddenly she jumped out of the chair and ran to the exam table... we hugged each other and cried. She cried out of her fear for me... I was crying because maybe, just maybe, I might not lose ALL of my family after all. If ONLY I could keep my Sister in my corner!

"Sue," I asked, "Do you remember all the trouble I've been in since I started puberty? The fights... the dares... the crazy stunts I would try... the loading dock jump?"

"Y-y-yes," she replied, wiping her tears after our long hug.

"Well... ever since my Doctor put me on these mild testosterone blockers, guess what?" I asked rhetorically, "I've been so much calmer, not even one incident of a dare or a crazy stunt trying to show off or otherwise prove my masculinity. He explained that my brain just couldn't handle the amount of testosterone my body started producing after puberty, it never knew how to process it in any case, and the increased amounts were simply like a poison, it was just making me crazy,"

"Oh Jack," she sighed, "You should know better than to trust Doctors, all they want to do is convince you to take their course of action, so they can get rich off of you!"

I couldn't help a smile forming now, as I remembered Doctor Goldmann's huge office and Main Line home, his BMWs, how he offered to help me pay for my medical expenses, and even hiring guards after I'd been raped, just in case they tried to hurt Sue or my parents. And suddenly I knew I had been holding a grudge for much too long.

"You'll have to meet him I suppose, to understand how silly a statement THAT was,"

"What?"

"My old... I mean... my Doctor is one of the richest on the east coast Sue, I doubt I will ever make enough money to make him feel like he needs to 'get rich off of me', ha!"

"Well, that just makes me all the more suspicious of him,"

"Actually?" I mused quietly, "You just made up my mind for me to trust him again."

"Huh?"

"Nevermind," I laughed, "Look Sue, I know this is hard for you, and I'm appreciative of you even making the effort for me... but I HAVE to do this, because I finally... FINALLY feel like a woman now, and its been something hard-won for me. I could never go back to hiding in plain sight, where everyone sees me as a man, yet knows that I'm not. He was the freak Sue... my male counterpart could even be uncontrollable at times... don't you see that now?"

"I... I have to admit... I see a different person in front of me now," she started, then halted, still unable accept me, "better, I think... I'm afraid you'll be hurt Jack... but I'll always love you."

"Oh shoot," she looked away for a minute, realizing her mistake, "Please give me a chance... I'll try to love you as a Sister... the names may be a problem for awhile... Joscelyn is it?"

"Actually as my Sister... I'd rather you called me Josie... please?" I tried to smile.

"Okay Sister... Josie it is!" she smiled back.

"Thanks... oh no," the pain had returned, "Could you ask everyone back in?"

The Doctor gave me another shot, and now Cindy called Billy and Smitty to see if they could come over and help her get me home once again, as I was as weak as a kitten by then. By now the lab had run the preliminary tests on us that showed I had indicators for meningitis, while luckily Mel did not, but he told us that from now on kissing and certainly anything sexual would have to be completely avoided for at least 10 days. My blood would be tested further to be sure of the virus' type and strain, etc. by growing cultures, but the Doctor was already 99% sure of what he was dealing with and said so. He gave me prescriptions for the pills I would be needing, and said to come back in 10 days if I was still having pains, or to call if there were any problems before then.

I could see the nasty looks were still flying back and forth between my Sister and Mel, along with Cindy. I said my goodbyes to my Mother and told her I would stay in contact with her and not to worry, that I was in very good hands. I lied and told her Cindy had been a nurse which, given the extensive first-aid emergency medical training she received, and that I would be receiving, from the Sisterhood, all in all it wasn't THAT much of a fib.

I then asked Sue to come over next to me, and signaled Mel and Cindy to come next to me as well. They hesitated, but I asked as sweetly as I could, to finally overcome the hatred they had formed for my Sister. Once they were together I asked them, for my sake, to try and get along. I still wasn't sure there would be a truce, so I went further.

"Please Sue," I was barely able to speak, "I don't want to lose you too, and without Mel and Cindy, I would most certainly be dead... or worse... by now. They have become my new family. So please try to understand that this is simply the way it has to be, here is their number, and I've given it to Mom in case either of you lose it. Frankly I don't trust Dad, and I won't give out our address right now. Maybe later, but it scares me to think what he might do if the opportunity arose right now."

Sue looked at the floor, as if thinking through everything I'd just said.

"Okay Sister," she said after a very long sigh, which elicited smiles on the faces of both Mel and Cindy, she then seemed to gather more energy "I can see you have two dedicated young ladies to help you... just please... dedicate yourself to getting well, alright?"

"I will, thanks for coming to see me, and I hope we can stay in touch,"

"We will little Josie," she replied, making me smile now, as she always called me 'little Jacky' when we were younger, "you stay in touch too... goodbye honey!"

We hugged, then she hugged Mel and Cindy, and at last... just maybe, I thought I had a shot at keeping some small part of my family intact. Susan then left with my Mother.

Smitty arrived almost immediately to help me out to the car, and Billy met us at Mel and Cindy's home to help get me back into bed. For the first time I could close my eyes and feel comfortable, and Mel was right there next to me as I fell asleep once again on her soft breasts, her arms holding me tight as I drifted off.

***

Over the next few days the house settled into a much more regular rhythm. Although it now seemed to resemble more of an armed camp in some ways, as Smitty was on watch at all times. Well, to be realistic, he HAD received a message from me asking for help after my friend had been kidnapped and locked in a car trunk by one of the cities' biggest... in all ways... pimps. Given the seriousness of that situation, even though I had managed to successfully rescue her, along with the fact that my employer at that time was actually working for a major Philadelphia crime boss, I could understand Smitty's reluctance to 'stand down'. No one knew where 'Big Maxx' had gone, all we knew was that both the police and the Korean mafia were looking for him, and he seemed to be in hiding, but Smitty assumed nothing, and I trusted his instincts... with my life.

And... just to make things really interesting... we STILL didn't know who had attacked and raped me several months ago. I knew Smitty was leaning towards the current leaders of our motorcycle club as the instigators. Once I disappeared into Center City, they admitted to a friend of his that they figured I would never be heard from again, which seemed to be the reason for wanting me attacked in the first place. That is... to make sure no one would remember that any member of 'their' club had ever had a sex change. Not exactly the kind of public image they were wanting to recruit new members with. As long as I was out of sight, I was out of mind, for them. But now that I'd returned... well, one more reason for Smitty to be uneasy about my continued safety.

In the meantime Mel convinced Cindy to invest in the very latest in home entertainment, cable TV had finally been installed in their neighborhood. And I suppose I really needed to start calling it my neighborhood as they wanted me to consider this as my home too, now that my Father no longer wanted me for a daughter. One thing out of place, was my friend Andy. I asked Cindy about him and simply got basic health descriptions like 'oh, he's fine'... but I noticed Cindy would be gone most nights and I finally told Mel that I was feeling bad that Andy wouldn't at least come and visit his own girlfriend, even if he didn't want to be friends with me anymore.

That got the strangest look from Mel I think I've ever seen, it was a cross between surprise and frustration, but all I got were simple one line responses.

For the most part my Mel had just simply fallen victim to the Cable TV 'box'. Most people don't even remember these boxes, but the reason they were called 'boxes' were because the switches you used to select stations were in a small box designed to sit on a coffee table, or perhaps a side table. Later they were called 'set top boxes' as the channel changing was put into the remote controls. Mel had a box installed in our bedroom, as even though we weren't allowed to have sex, or even kiss for that matter, due to my viral infection, we slept in what was now called 'our' bedroom. Since she had little else to do until my 10 day recovery 'sentence' was over, Mel spent most of her time glued to the boob tube, flipping through the dozen or so switches on our cable box. Sometimes Cindy would just watch her clicking and clacking through the channels, like some new-age zombie, and absolutely freak out on her, ranting on about the death of her upper brain function and other topics, all of which I would watch patiently with my nearby popcorn bowl, laughing at both of them.

It did make a hard time a little easier for us to get through, as we desperately wanted to make love to each other. It had been so very long for both of us. Finally the 10 days were officially 'over' and I was even strong enough to spar with Smitty in our backyard. My strength was pathetic at first, but over the past three days it had an incredible recovery, and with Smitty's help, using a few tricks he passed on to me after explaining how he had used them to recover from Malaria during his tours in Southeast Asia, I was feeling about a thousand percent better. But on the afternoon of that 11th day, I'd noticed the house had a hushed feeling to it. No one seemed to be there, it was a little unnerving as I shut off the TV and all I heard was silence for once.

I threw on my sneakers and sweats, padding downstairs to see... nothing and no one! Where the hell was everyone? Suddenly two female forms swept into view, coming in from the front door were my Mel and Cindy... looking... perfect... no seriously, my jaw dropped like a lead weight, these two women strutted... yep... strutted is the only word, up to yours truly. Hair. Perfect. Faces. Stunning. Clothes. To die for.

"Oh my God! What is THIS?" Cindy began looking me over like something a dog had dropped.

"Eww... I dunno!" Mel shrieked in reply. "Maybe one of those icky street people?"

"Alright girls, wha..." I tried to defend myself. It wasn't the only thing I had to say as Mel grabbed my left arm and Cindy my right, then they both began dragging me out to Cindy's car! Many protests and threats later I found myself being driven off to somewhere, in as big a huff as I think I've ever been in. After an hour and half drive, we pulled up in front of the mall entrance for Sherrie's Salon where I'd had my first hair styling experience. After throwing a couple very nasty looks at both of these 'Sisters' of mine, I gave a long sigh as they returned innocent giggles and we all went inside.

Being a Tuesday, there were plenty of other patrons waiting in the Salon, but Sherrie saw us walk in and ran up to me in tears, and hugged me tightly.

"Oh Joscelyn... honey! We were so worried about you!" she exclaimed, her emotion rocking me backwards, and taking the other people waiting by surprise as well, "Dolores told us all about what happened with your Father, and then later Cindy came by and told me they'd finally found you in Center City... you poor dear!"

"I'm fine... really," I tried to reply.

"Come over here... you see?" she now took my hands and led me to a glassed-in display case, "there you are sweetie, right in front."

Sure enough, there were the photos they'd taken that day I'd had my first styling. I actually had to stare for a minute, as I looked closer at them, I realized that something about me was different. No, not all the changes that had gone on with my HRT and estrogen treatments, those were obvious... no... it was in my eyes... I had changed. Jack was still in those eyes, I could see her almost like a long lost friend, the little girl that could never understand anything about how to be a boy, and yet had to try, and had been afraid of... well, everything in life... because of that fear. There she was... 'hi Jack'... I wanted to say, as I hadn't seen her for so very long now. Finally Sherrie brought my attention away from the pictures and guided me back to the wash stations. But that image haunted me.

Sid and George were both waiting for me, Sid spouting out commands almost as soon as we finished saying 'hello', although he stopped long enough to congratulate me for listening to him and getting a Trachea Shave. Sid changed my hair color to the same summer blond as Mel had along with her large curls, as I requested. I thought as long as Mel and I looked so alike, we might as well continue the illusion of being twins.

There was a new woman that Sherrie introduced me to once Sid and the nail techs had finished. Her name was Margret, and had been a theatrical makeup artist for several years before she decided to specialize in helping the transgendered to use makeup products to bring out their best features. Still, she seemed very young, certainly under thirty. Long Auburn hair cascaded just past her small shoulders, barely 5' 6" tall and with a petite frame, her penetrating blue eyes defined prettiness and everything about her clothes was thoughtful, feminine and demur. We had a lively discussion about makeup as she worked her magic on me, explaining each step along the way. She had just about finished when Cindy and Mel strode in.

"Now... that's MUCH better Josie!", Cindy cried out upon spotting me.

Mel simply stopped short, and stared for about a minute, before diverting her eyes and slowly walking the last few steps up to my side. She then dropped to her knees, "Please forgive me, Mistress!"

"My love, my pet", I whispered, "you have done nothing to earn forgiveness for... please Mel, I'm not your Mistress yet... but rise and attend me, if you will."

Suddenly Margret's face changed as Mel stood and took my hand. At first I thought she saw Mel's display as disgusting, it's sometimes hard to know how folks will respond around BDSM displays.

"It... it was you... wasn't it?" Margret now asked me, in an almost hushed tone.

"Hmm? What was me hun?" I asked, relieved she wasn't freaked about Mel's comment.

You... you're Josie... THE Josie... of course, Mistress Joscelyn! I hadn't put it together. You're the Josie that saved that transsexual from her Pimp!"

"Um, well I... how did you..."

"Yes, she's the one. Saved her single handed." Mel's proud reply left me speechless and searching in Cindy's eyes for answers, and only getting her 'I told you so' shrug in return.

"How do you know about this?" I asked.

"Well, Sherrie is my Mother," she said excitedly, "and I'm transsexual, just like you! I was at Sister's Nightclub last week and you're all anyone's been talking about. Mother told me you're name was Joscelyn... but I never made the connection until I heard your friends call you Josie, and Mistress... someone said the heroine was a local Dominatrix."

"And are you in the 'lifestyle' then as well, Margret?"

"The what? Oh! Like S&M? No, not really. I-I guess I'm a little... curious."

"I see, look Margret," I tried to explain, then the word she had used hit me like a Mac truck, "D-Did you say... heroine? No... no, no, please... you MUST believe me... I am NO heroine."