A Life's Lessonbyesoteric©
What lies before you is neither a story, a poem, or a piece of fiction. What these words will represent is a small testament of what it is like being me. Give me feedback.
First of all, Hello. My name is not important for this particular expression of my life. I'm currently a 25-year-old male of 5'10" with brown hair and brown eyes who once weighed as much as 256 lbs. but as of today I currently weigh 198 nice guy and what I'm here to say is that as long as I have been attracted to women, and I'm here to tell you about my dealing with the fairer sex.
I have not always been over weight, when I was in 7th and 8th grade I weighed 185 pounds and at that time I thought I was a cute guy. This is the age at which boys and girls discover one another and want to start dating. Like every other healthy young man, I too wanted to start dating and before I could even have a chance to state to a girl that I liked her as teenagers says I was suddenly and very quickly bombarded by girls making fun of me. Making fun is not strong enough of a word to use what girls would do to me.
I had up to 12 girls making everyday in 7th grade a living hell for me. These were girls I had never said a single word to, these were the very popular and very pretty girls making me feel like shit. They would spend class time telling me I looked poor, telling me how ugly and how pathetic I was, that I smelled bad. They would even ask me if I had friends and then when I replied who were my friends they would laugh and say "There is no way someone would be a friend of yours." and they would all laugh at my expense. These were just some of the lovely things I was told about myself.
For a very long time I fought back, for every single comment they me, I gave one back but after many months you don't want to fight anymore, it becomes so tiring, so all you do is accept it and hope they leave you alone. Very soon I realized I had changed from their verbal assaults. One day early in the school year, we were all playing two-hand touch football for gym and the team I was playing on had just given up a long touchdown and I was pissed off telling my buddy how we could have avoided that, when a very pretty blonde from the other time said sarcastically "Calm down, it's only a game." Now please take into consideration this was me before I was made fun of everyday for the entire school year as I tell you my response. While me and my buddy turned back to her and her friend I said simply "FUCK YOU!", also while giving her the middle finger even though that was redundantly stupid. She simply smiled and said "I love you too baby!" sarcastically. I just shook my head and headed in to change.
That was me before being made fun of. I was confident, sure of myself. I knew who I was and if you didn't like me it was your fault. No one would or could intimidate me but after being teased immensely I became a coward, all I wanted was to get through life without ever being bothered so can you guess what path I chose. I chose to pull away from people, I distanced myself from those at school including my friends.
I will admit going into Junior high and middle school I was naïve. In elementary school every body liked me. I could talk with and hang out with everybody. For me school was always easy and so I would finish what was asked of me with ease and so I would then socialize and on many occasion the worst thing that teachers would put on my reports cards is that I talk too much during class.
So going into junior high and middle school I thought it was going to be like elementary school, that everyone was going to like me, but I was jolted into reality. I am and have never been someone who wanted to be popular and wanted to be cool, that has never been attractive so when I saw that is all middle school is I was knocked back with shock. I knew that not everyone will like you for one reason or another. I mean I had met people who I did not like but I never one felt the need to make fun of them. I just never socialized with them.
I have always felt that we all have a tough enough time in life without people pointing out our faults or making fun of us. But for some reason a lot of girls didn't like me and instead of not bothering me, they took the time out of their busy day to tell me how I offended them by sharing space with them on the earth.
What came out of this is learning not to trust people especially girls or women. I become a different person over night. In stead of seeing the good in people I now waited for the bad. I knew that at any moment a person can turn on you. I lost my faith in humanity. I saw people only as animals and that given a chance a person would tear into you just for the sake of it.
An example of how fast I changed, remember the very pretty blonde that I had a playful verbal exchange with. Well she and I were in the same homeroom and for a couple of weeks a girl who's locker was next to mine and who was also in my homeroom acted differently around me. I couldn't figure out why until the pretty blonde came up to me and asked if I would like to go to the dance with her. I was completely taken a back by the question, not in a million years would I have ever thought a girl that pretty would want to go out with someone like me, especially since we had little or no contact other than the verbal sparing we shared during gym. The most amazing thing is that I did not respond to her question right away, I gave it some thought and what seemed like forever but was actually only a matter of 5 to 8 seconds, I ran in my head every possible computation, simulation, or possible outcome.
For only a milo-second I allowed myself to think that this girl actually wants to go out on a date but then I thought look at her and look at you, not possible. Then I thought why would she like me? I'm not cute. I had never been funny around her. We did not share any similar friends. I had never flirted around with her. The only thing I had ever said to her was "FUCK YOU!" and I did not think that is why she liked me now because I had told her off, weeks earlier. I knew that she was friends or at the least talked to many of the popular girls who liked to tell me how worthless I am so I came to one conclusion, that this girl could not like me and that this was probably a prank by her and her bitchy friends to humiliate me at the dance in some way. So for these reasons and one more I will soon reveal I simply replied to her with anger "I could give a damn if you want to go to the dance with me."
Now I said this to her while I was sitting at my desk and she was sitting in the desk to the side of me, we were surrounded by the two people who were on either side of my locker. The guy who was right locker neighbor kept telling me to go for it but when he heard my reply he turned his head not wanting to be a part of it, while the girl who had been acting usually nice to me just has a shocked look on her face at what I said.
While the pretty blonde who just asked me to the dance just had a calm blank look and turned her head forward as I began to doodle on my notepad. Today I am ashamed at the way I acted but the reason why I was a complete asshole to her was for one simple reason. Revenge. I wanted to hurt that very pretty girl in some way. I wanted her to feel rejection. I wanted her to feel rejection by an average looking guy. I bet no guy had ever declined an offer to go out with her before I came along. I wanted her to feel some of the pain I had experienced. At first I felt good about standing up to her but by the end of the day I felt like a huge dick, that there was a possibility I could have hurt her. But don't fret, when I went to gym class I saw her joking and smiling with her friends which included some of girls that told me I am a waste of space, so I felt good about my choice. Though I quickly asked all my buddies if the pretty blonde would have asked them out what would they say and all 12 of the guys said a resounding yes.
Now I hope this does not look like I am talking of a miss opportunity because later I found out that the ring leader or as I liked to call her during that time head bitch "had it in for you" said one of my friends. He then went on to say that she her and her friends had planned wanted to play a prank on me at the dance but since I knew who were all of her friend's they needed someone that they felt I would not recognize as their friend to ask me out and that was were the pretty blonde came in. Though I always suspected I never ever really believed that possibility until I was told so.
That is when I made a hard decision which at the time was my only salvation. I decided to stay out of the way of women. I would never hit on, flirt with, make any advances toward women. Now I still talked to, and made friends with girls but I was extremely selective because I could not see myself with something so evil, so devious. How could a creature so beautiful be so dangerous and what I spent much of my teenage years thinking.
I did it very gradually not to bring attention to me plus it helped that in 8th grade all my friends I had gone to school with my whole life were forced to transfer to another school while I had to get written documentation on why I should not go to a middle school half way across the city, when the one I was currently attending was less than a ten minute drive. It was the educators great genius plan to have all the middle class students attend a middle school in a bad part of the city and to have the poorer students attend a middle school in a better area in hopes to promote a better educational environment for the entire city.
Moving on from school politics, the only good that came out of this move was all the girls that made me full like dirt had to go to school in a bad area, I felt that was cosmic justice.
Now as I entered high school fewer and fewer girls made fun of me but when they did it, they did it with greater precision and ferocity. It the four years only four girls took the time out to point out how I did not fit in the same world as them. One girl who I found annoying before she told me this, really became a person I detested. One day in algebra, when I was trying to pay attention to the teacher, she turned to me and said she had something to ask me and being the nice guy I am said sure. She went into a mind numbing tale about a guy she was dating and that even though she wanted to end it she wanted to know if guys minded if girls told them they still wanted to be friends and before I could give her any type of an answer, she said "Oh you wouldn't know anything about dating. There is no way a girl would go out with you."
A guy friend of her said "Damn HER NAME HERE.", as he looked shocked at what she said at me then her. My eyes stared down at the algebra book as though I could burn through the book, the desk, and the floor with anger.
All she said "What? He knows he's a loser."
It does not matter if what she said about not having a girl going out with me, she had no reason to bust me out like that in front of everyone. Though I am large I wanted to shrink away into nothingness. I wanted to just leave. Thankfully, this was one of the two worst things girls did to me the other was during a Spanish class field trip one of the two girls who like to laugh and point at me during class asked me if I wanted the rest of her fries. We were all on the bus heading back to school and my back was to the two of them as I chatted with a couple of friends. Now I know this seems harmless but just a few seconds earlier as I turned to see who was in front of me, out of the corner of my eye I saw her spit on them and I nicely said "No thank you, not a fan of fries." as I turned away and went back to my conversation.
That was the last time a girl ever made me feel crappy about myself and this was mainly because as I became older and older I pulled myself from the world. I treated school as a job, meaning when I was there I gave one hundred percent to my schoolwork and all my fellow students did not exist. I talked to them if they talked with me but I never sought friendship or human contact. I became very clinical, very unattached and for a long time that is how I lived. It may not have been the best way to deal with life but that was my choice.
Also, I started not caring what I looked like, so I ate anything and everything as I packed on the pounds. I liked food and I had no reason not to over indulge. I'm sure on some sub-conscience level I grew in weight knowing full well that fewer and fewer women would find that attractive.
Because of how bad a lot of people had treated me I did not want to go to college, so I "forgot" to apply because I knew that if I would have gone away to school I would not have be able to function but since I really always wanted to attend college I enrolled at a community college. The greatest thing I noticed about college is no one picked me out and made fun of me. I was able to go from class to class and not worry about that fact. For the first time in a long time all my concentration could go into schoolwork and my grades reflected that fact. I liked school and I liked college. Though I still was very apprehensive of people I was always waiting for the other foot to drop. So I still avoided human contact.
Quickly two years passed and I had to make a decision of where to transfer and that was a very easy choice. A private college only a 25-minute drive from my house was near me and after offering me a scholarship based on my GPA, I went there to finish my education. There I excelled scholastically. I ended up CUM LAUDE with a Bachelor Degree in Business.
As each passed without being picked on my confidence returned and I was able to be more social and open up. When I first went to college I could not raise my hand for anything, even if I knew the answer till where I became the only student in business ethics to discuss the topics of the day. I even started being more friendly, starting by making casual friends, then depending on the individual we'd hang out like normal buddies.
Now onto the women scene. For the longest time I kept women at arms lengths friends were fine and nothing more. Every time I was attracted to a woman, I would find a way end that attraction I became a master at it. Either her laugh was annoying, she smoked, she drank alcohol, she used drugs, she already was involved, or I found her friends annoying, and if I seen the type of guy she was interested in. I had it down to a science.
I played it safe until I had this female friend. She was extremely cute and we just had amazing rapport. Out of a true friendship grew an attraction; rather she became attracted to me, as we became closer and closer. Though I was always attracted to her.
She naturally made the move. We were studying for a test in financial accounting. She asked me if I liked her and I said of course. I wondered what she meant. Then reaching over she placed her hand on top of mine and said I like you. All I could say was oh. Then she went on to say that since we get along so well and that we always have fun maybe we should take our friendship to another level. I thought for a second and I said OK and how would we proceed. We had playfully always flirted with each other but it was always in good fun, nothing more.
Well we decided we would go bowling and then latter dinner. We would do something fun and casual, then finally formal.
The day came and I picked her up at her apartment near the campus, for the earlier part of the date, she dressed in a short sleeved black t-shirt and hip hugger bell bottoms. I some lose jeans and a nice t-shirt. At first it was strange being on a date with each other. We knew one another well and had hung out as friends but now acknowledging our attraction for each other made us act differently with one another early on the date. But quickly we moved on and we were having fun.
During the date I had opened all the doors for her, and been as much of a gentlemen as possible in this modern age.
It was very easy to look at her in this new light. I could not help smile every time we looked at one another. Bowling went well. Though we caught ourselves hesitating once in a while when we made a dating move instead of acting like friends. By the end of bowling we were holding hands, joking, and smiling. We both were looking forward to dinner.
We decided to go to one of the nicer local places. We ordered and because of our friendship and our compatibility with one another, the conversation flowed naturally. I reached out for her hand and she willingly placed her hand in mine. She knew my rather pitiful dating history and I said with great ease that this was the best date I had ever been on.
By the end of dinner we could not stop looking at one another with smiles and I was sad to see it end. I When we arrived back in front of her apartment, I got out of the car and opened the door for her and told her I would walk her to the door.
It was a short walk as we both said how much fun we had on our first actual date. Then we came her apartment's main entrance. We stood looking at one another nervous of what to do next. Not wanting to miss this opportunity and hoping I had read all the signals. I placed my right hand on her cheek and pulled her in for a kiss. Our lips met and soon we were interlocked in a passionate embrace. The kiss intensified as each second passed.
She pulled from the kiss, wiped her lips and said "I think I better get inside before it gets too late." smiling. I said that sounds good and we quickly kissed as she headed up to her dorm. From that night on we continued to date. We had both wanted to take this extremely slowly. So after a few weeks I knew that she wanted to take our relationship physical
Even though I had dated a few women earlier I had never had sex and was both excited and greatly nervous at the thought of being with my current girlfriend. After a date we were sitting on her couch kissing passionately and caressing each other's form we both knew that tonight was the night.
We took the action to the bed. She pushed me back on the bed, then she gave me a quick kiss then told me to stay there as she started doing a playfully fun yet sexy strip tease. Finally she stood before me in a very sexy pair of matching bra and panties. She told me it was my turn.
This was the moment of truth for me. I won't lie, I NEVER WANTED TO SHOW MY BODY TO A WOMAN EVEN IF SHE REALLY LIKED ME! So I pulled my shows off, my socks, then my jeans, my shirt, and then my underwear
This is what I feared most. I know she did her best acting job possible but the moment I became naked, her demeanor changed. It was almost hardly noticeable but something was different. She told me go into the bathroom and put a condom on.
When I came back into the room, the lights were now out and she was under the covers. She lifted the covers and I got under them. She was naked under there and helped me with the insertion. I began to thrust my hips as to give both of us pleasure. She began rubbing my back and moan at how good it felt. Faster and faster I went and louder and louder she moaned and as I began to orgasm, she wailed out in a release as well.
We kissed and she said that it was good and she told me that she had an early class and needed her sleep. I understood and began to get dressed. She slipped on a robe and we shared a quick kiss at her door. I felt great. I felt alive with energy. I just had sex with a girl I cared for.
She was absent from the class we shared. That was my last class for the day and I went to ask one of her friend's where she was and she told me my girlfriend was feeling sick. I went home and called her. The phone continued to ring. I kept calling until I got her roommate, she told me my girlfriend was sleeping and that I should call back at a latter date. I said fine.