A Matter Of Trust

Fred asked her to marry him and the day after she turned eighteen they were wed. Eight months later, Colin Martin was born. Aileen never spoke to her parents again. Six years later when she heard her mother died after being severely beaten by her father she grieved and felt guilty for leaving her with that man even though she never did anything to stop him when he was beating her. Her father had been sent to jail on the charge of manslaughter for murdering his wife and two years later that's where he died. When Aileen heard about his passing she felt nothing.

When she married Fred, he had taken her away from her parents and finally she felt she had freedom, but then she soon realized she had only traded one abusive captor for another. Fred liked to drink and when he got drunk he turned mean. The first time he struck her they had only been married a few weeks. They were having an argument and she said something flippant and he backhanded her across the face so hard he cut her lip and made it bleed. Then he apologized profusely and promised never to do it again and she forgave him. That began a familiar pattern for them, he would hit her and then apologize and she would always forgive him. He always blamed it on the drinking and always promised to quit and never hurt her again, but he never kept his promises and his beatings steadily grew worse and worse.

Life with Fred would have been just as miserable as it had been with her parents if it wasn't for one thing: Colin. Now she had her son and he was the sole reason she had any happiness in life. He was so sweet and gentle hearted, it made her own heart swell with pride and love every time she looked at him. He was her reason for living.

Colin was also part of the reason she stayed with Fred. She thought her boy needed his father. The other part of the reason she stayed with him was that she had accepted that this was just what love was. After all, her father had beaten her pretty bad and her mother had let him. Weren't parents supposed to love their kids? Fred said he loved her and he beat her as well. Aileen came to understand that the ones who loved you would hurt you sometimes. She took the abuse during those years because she thought she didn't deserve any better.

The thing that triggered Aileen to leave Fred was when he started his abuse on Colin. There had been times when Fred hit Colin before, but Aileen had convinced herself that he was only being a strong disciplinarian. Then the day came when he took things way too far.

It was when Colin was eight years old. One day he was running around the house playing with a plastic water gun. He had squirted Aileen a few times and she reprimanded him for it but she could never get truly mad with Colin, he was just caught up in his play and Aileen had to admit it always gave her joy to see Colin in a happy mood, so she hadn't been too stern with him. That had been a mistake.

Colin eventually found his father in the den watching a baseball game. Fred was drunk and his team was losing. Aileen arrived in the den just in time to see what Colin was about to do, but too late to stop him. In a playful manner Colin squirted his dad with the water gun. Fred was totally stunned for a moment when he felt the cool jet of water hit him. When he saw Colin with the water gun pointed at him, an impish grin on his face, Fred completely lost his temper. He shot out of his chair and charged toward his son. Colin, seeing the rage in his father's face, quickly switched from an expression of amusement to one of pure terror. Aileen understood what the look in her husband's eyes meant and she screamed at him to take a moment to calm down, that she would punish the boy, but Fred had lost control of his senses and he was too focused on Colin to even register that she was saying anything.

Aileen stepped in front of Colin but Fred just shoved her aside hard like she was nothing, so hard she fell to the floor. She lifted her head from the floor to get her son back into view and saw that he had backed up all the way against the far wall. He was futilely looking for a way to escape, but he had no where to run. Colin still had the water gun in his hand as his dad closed in on him, he brought the gun up and pointed it at his dad and resumed shooting him with water. It didn't look like Colin even knew what he was doing at that point, like it was some reflex making him do it. The water pistol was all he had to defend himself with and his finger locked on the trigger out of instinct not of his own volition. A continuous stream of water struck his father until the gun emptied of ammunition. All he had done was add more fuel to his father's rage.

Fred got to Colin, stripped the toy gun from his hand, and used it to hit Colin over the head. Fred struck his son hard and repeatedly. Colin tried to apologize through his screaming and crying, but Fred was furious and paid it no heed. Aileen rushed from the floor to once again try to rescue her child. She tried to pull Fred away from Colin but Fred turned and struck her forcefully right in the jaw with a closed fist. Aileen fell back to the floor and Fred continued laying massive wallops on Colin.

Aileen was dazed for a moment, the pain in her jaw was intense, she tasted blood and she spat out two teeth. Then she once again looked at her son, his nose was bleeding, one eye was swollen shut, and he had stopped screaming. Fred was still hitting him though. Colin had surrendered to the assault. He had retreated within himself waiting for it to end one way or another. Seeing her son being hurt like that brought on a rage of her own from Aileen. She quickly got to her feet and tackled Fred screaming at him not to dare lay another hand on their son. Both of them fell to the floor. Now she was pounding Fred with her fists repeatedly, something had snapped in her mind and it seemed as if all the anger she had ever felt though never acknowledged was released and flowing through her. The pent up rage for all the times he had hurt her, for the times her father had hurt her, and most significantly, for what Fred had done to their son propelled her fury intensely onward. She screamed at Fred as she hit him, "NEVER! NEVER, NEVER, AGAIN!"

All of a sudden Aileen was on her back and Fred was hovering over her and severe pain was emanating from her face, chest, and stomach. Fred had recovered from the stun of Aileen's attack, had managed to push her off, and now she was the object of his rage as he pummeled her. "You fucking bitch, I'll fucking kill you for that!" He shouted as he struck her. Aileen tried to fight back, tried blocking his punches, and tried to get in some more of her own, but Fred just overpowered her. He laid a particularly hard wallop to the side of her head and she blacked out.

She awoke what seemed only a few minutes later but Fred was gone. Aileen felt bruised and battered all over but her first thought was for Colin. She frantically looked around for him but instead of seeing her boy, she saw strangers in the room. As her eyes focused a bit more she saw they both were wearing dark blue clothes and then she saw their badges. The police were here, later she would find out that a neighbor had called them after hearing all the commotion coming from their home.

"Colin! My son! Where is he?" Aileen managed to get out through her voice that was hoarse from screaming. She tried to stand up, but was racked by a pain so intense she felt she would throw up.

"Easy, ma'am," One of the police officers said as he put a hand gently on her shoulder to keep her from moving. "You've taken a pretty bad beating and the paramedics will be here to take you to the hospital in a moment. Your son is all ready on the way there."

Then paramedics came into the room with a stretcher, she must have blacked out again because the next thing she knew she was riding in the ambulance, then she lost consciousness for a third and final time and didn't wake up until the next morning.

She awoke feeling sore all over, but it didn't hurt as bad as she thought it would, like the pain was being dulled and her mouth felt like it was full of cotton. She saw she was in a hospital bed and also that she had an I.V. tube running out of her arm. She assumed she must be on some medication for the pain.

There was someone in the room with her. When her eyes focused on him, she saw that it was Patrick. He was sitting in a chair beside her bed and smiling at her, but she could see concern in his eyes. It was still strange to see Patrick showing any kind of sympathy for her, but he had changed over the years, mostly thanks to Sarah, his wife. He seemed ashamed for the way things had been when they were kids and had apologized to her on several occasions for not being the older brother she needed, he seemed to be sincerely trying to redeem himself. Aileen had forgiven Patrick for the way he had been in the past and was proud of the way he changed, but she could never forget.

"Colin, where is he?" Aileen said. She couldn't believe how raspy her voice sounded. Patrick handed her a cup of water and patted her hand.

"He's all right, Leena" Patrick said. "He's in pediatrics, Sarah is with him. He took some rough treatment from that bastard, but the doctor said he would make a full recovery. He's a tough lad."

Only then after finding out the condition of her son did Aileen allow herself to drink the water her brother had given her. The cool drink felt like liquid satin as it cooled her dry and raw throat. "I want to see him." Aileen said.

"You will, in time, but you need to do some healing of your own. That son of a bitch broke two of your ribs." Patrick said. "You will be fine as well, though you need to let yourself recover."

"I'm fine enough as it is now. He needs his mother. He needs to know I'm here for him." Aileen said with determination.

"I know, Leena, I know, but if you could just rest awhile..."

"Now, Pat, please!" Aileen said.

Patrick hesitated but finally he said, "Okay, I'll see what I can do."

"Thank you, Pat." Aileen said.

Patrick nodded and made eye contact with her conveying he understood how badly she needed to be with her boy, and then left the room to track down her doctor.

A few hours later, Aileen found herself being taken by wheelchair to the pediatrics ward to see Colin. It took a bit of cajoling with the doctors and nurses, but eventually they relented and told Aileen she could have a brief visit with her son. They had him in a private room, and as the orderly rolled her into it she immediately laid eyes on her son. Her heart broke as she looked upon him. She was wheeled right up to the side of his bed and she saw how bad the damage was. Aileen couldn't hold in the loud sob that escaped from her lips as she put her hand over her mouth. Tears started flowing down her cheeks.

Sarah was still there with Colin. Sarah had always been a tactful and empathic person and without a word she placed her hand on Aileen's shoulder giving her a gentle squeeze of support then left so Aileen could be alone with her son.

Colin was asleep. He looked so small and precious; that he was also covered in bruises and bandages was obscene. She forced herself to look at her son. The angry red and purple welts covering his face and arms, the swollen eyes and lip, the I.V. fluids hooked up to his arms sustaining his life, she took this all in and wept. She folded her arms over the guardrail of the bed, laid her head down on them, and wept like she had never wept before. How could someone do this to such an innocent little boy? How could she have let it happen?

The people who had been most influential to her in her life were running through her mind; her father, her mother, and Fred. They never once admitted that what they did was wrong and Aileen hadn't believed it was. If she was beaten, she had done something bad because it was somehow always her fault. She thought she deserved everything she got. Sometimes the ones who loved you had to hurt you. They had to show you how wrong you were and all you could do was try to be as good as you could be so they didn't feel the need to hurt you. Aileen had always believed that deep down, but now seeing Colin in this condition, the sweetest boy she had ever known with not one ounce of malice in his heart, seeing her son like this shook Aileen's beliefs to the core.

How could a loved one do this? Colin didn't deserve what happened to him, and if he didn't deserve it, maybe she hadn't deserved it either. She felt betrayed. Betrayed by what she had been taught, betrayed by the people in her life who were supposed to have loved her, but instead had abused her. But more than that, she felt she in turn had betrayed Colin by letting this happen and, by far, that was the worst feeling she ever felt. It pierced her to the soul. She betrayed him just like her mother had betrayed her by letting her father beat her so badly. Now she understood. She understood what love really was. It wasn't a power trip and it wasn't acquiescence out of fear, it was tenderness, kindness, devotion, and above all else it was trust. Trust that the ones you love would never do anything to hurt you and were always looking after your best interests. Trust that the ones who loved you would always do their best to protect you no matter what the cost. Trust that you could feel safe with someone who loved you.

Aileen reached out and took Colin's tiny hand in her own. She looked at her son, bruised and broken. He would recover physically and at that moment she vowed he would recover emotionally as well. "I promise you Colin," Aileen whispered to the sleeping child, "I promise I will never ever let this happen again! I will always be there for you, to love you and cherish you. No matter what you will always have one person in the world that you can count on, someone who will fight to her last breath to keep you safe! Even if you never forgive me for allowing this to happen, I promise to always love you more than anyone else ever will. You are the one thing on this planet that I live for, you are the joy in my life, and I swear that I will never let another day go by without you feeling how special you are to me!"

After she and Colin had both recovered enough to be discharged from the hospital, Aileen divorced Fred and was able to get sole custody of their son. She changed her last name back to Reilly and she and Colin were granted a restraining order against Fred. He was brought up on charges for his assault on them and was sentenced to two years in prison, but he was out on parole in less than a year.

The restraining order didn't stop Fred from coming into contact with Aileen and trying to win back her heart, but now Aileen's heart was totally devoted to her son and she would not tolerate Fred's attempts to charm his way back into their lives. When charm didn't work, Fred got mean, but luckily during that time Patrick and Sarah had opened their home to Aileen and Colin giving her a place to stay until she was able to get on her feet. When she had been married to Fred, they had always lived paycheck to paycheck, and after her divorce she found she had no means of supporting herself. Patrick, the brother who had once tormented her as a child, now became their provider and protector, and was very good at the job. Fred never got within ten feet of Aileen or Colin when Patrick was around. Whatever harm Patrick had done to her when they were kids he more than made up for now, he had become the friend and big brother to Aileen she always wished he would be. She and Colin owed him and Sarah so much for helping them through this time.

When Aileen heard Fred had been killed in a car crash, she felt saddened that a man she had once loved was gone and that her son had to hear that his father had died, but more than anything she felt relieved. She was relieved that Fred had not taken out anyone with him when he went—he had been driving drunk, had fallen asleep, and smashed into a cement wall—and she was relieved that he would never hurt her or Colin again. She realized that the three people she had depended on most in her life, and yet had hurt her so badly, were gone for good. She didn't feel happy or sad about this realization; the scars these people had given her, emotional as well as physical, would stay with her for the rest of her life but at least now she felt a certain sense of closure.

While Aileen and Colin were living with Patrick and his family, Aileen entered the work force again. She started by helping out at Pat's pub, but then she got the job at the bank. Eventually she was making enough money to get an apartment of her own.

Through all that time Aileen strived to keep her promise to Colin. There had been some rough spots when she didn't always know what to do, but she always put the best interests of her son first in her life. She was always there for him and did her best to protect him from being hurt in any way. They had always been close, but after Aileen made her promise, it bonded them even tighter.

However, as Colin began getting closer to adulthood, he was spending more and more time away from home. Without anyone else really in her life, Aileen had been lonely. Then Ben showed up and she thought she found a new companion. No matter what, Colin would always come first in her life and she'd be there whenever he needed her. He came first over Ben, over herself, over anyone. But when he didn't need her was it so wrong to indulge herself in something that made her happy? That was how she rationalized her guilt before, but now any happiness she had felt had turned to ashes.

After this debacle with Ben, the full ramifications of what she did impressed on her mind and she agonized over the thought that she may have broken her promise. What would she do if Colin ever found out what she did with Ben? How would he take it? Would he ever forgive her? Aileen couldn't stand the thought of hurting Colin and now, however unintentional, she may have done so. And yet, as long as Colin never found out, he would never be hurt by what she did. She would just have to see that he never did.

CHAPTER 3: A STORM OF WORDS

For weeks after she found out the truth about Ben, Aileen wallowed in self pity and self loathing. She had done wrong and she was paying for it. She kept up a brave front whenever she was with Colin or other people, but every night she cried herself to sleep. The month of November went by like a slow agonizing time of incarceration, she was imprisoned by pain. Thanksgiving eventually came and she and Colin were invited over to Patrick's for dinner. They accepted the offer and Aileen acted like everything was normal, but the holiday barely even registered with her. However, a few days later something happened that shook her out of her obsession over her own inner turmoil.

The first of December was on a Monday this year and it was the day school resumed after Thanksgiving break. Aileen had been home from work for about an hour and was preparing dinner. Colin wasn't home, but basketball season had started and he had practice on Mondays. He usually got home around four-thirty on days he had practice, however, it was now past six and Aileen was beginning to worry. When Colin finally came in through the front door he slammed it closed...hard. She could tell immediately that something was wrong. He had a pained expression on his face that made her wince just by looking at him.

"Honey, are you all right?" Aileen asked, even though she could tell something was clearly wrong.

Colin just stared at her for a moment, as if debating with himself whether to tell her anything or not, and then he spoke. "Two years! Two fucking years we been going out and she dumps me!" Colin shouted then stormed off to his room. He never used foul language in front of her, that he did so now was just another strong indication of how distressed he was.