A Mistake Corrected

I had been frustrated while in college. In order to avoid the draft, I was enrolled in ROTC. Unfortunately, the unit was a Military Police unit and I wanted to be a doctor. My grandfather was a physician but my dad, his son, was in Insurance. He had his own independent agency and was doing very well financially. I wanted nothing to do with insurance or business in general. My focus was medicine. For this I needed exceptionally good grades and all the prerequisite courses required by medical school admission committees. The military was totally disinterested in what courses I took other than the required ROTC courses. I took all the required science courses for a degree in Chemistry and a minor in biology. Psychology courses were interesting so I took as many of those as I could fit in.

By the end of my junior year I had all the required premedical course completed except one. I had planned on taking that one my senior year but then the college announced it would not offer that one important needed course the following year. I was attending a small liberal arts college and the demand for that one course was to small to offer it every year. They were gong to offer it in summer school. Four of us needed that Comparative Anatomy course. I had no option but to enroll if I was to be a serious applicant to medical school during the fall of my senior year.

The Army had other plans for me. I must attend summer basic training or drop out of ROTC. Dropping out made me eligible for the draft which meant going to Korea to get shot at in fox holes by the Chinks. That option was not high on my priority list. Ultimately I was able to skip summer camp and take it after graduation and before going to medical school. Having two brothers, both of which were career army officers and an uncle in the US Senate serving on the Armed Forces Committee certainly didn't hurt. The general in Atlanta was overridden and I ended up with a commission and in the Military Police. I was transferred to the reserves to serve while in medical school. As an officer in the Military Police I was required to learn the ways to control violent behavior. This led to my lifelong interest in the martial arts.

While in college, the Army enrolled the first female ROTC member on our campus. She was very female but a tough young woman also. It was she who introduced me initially to the martial arts. These were not part of the ROTC curriculum. After hours we would attend classes together. We became close friends but I never got romantically involved with her.

We lost contact when I went off to medical school and she went on active duty the next year. I got an occasional letter from her telling of her military career. I replied with stories from medical school. Like carrying a cadavers penis in my pocket (illicitly of course) and showing it to the ladies serving in the hospital cafeteria.

After medical school I entered a prestigious surgical residency in Baltimore. I continued my Army Reserve activities, with great difficulty as the residency was very time consuming. My MO was changed to Medical from MP. After completing residency I entered active service. The fateful year was 1964 and the Viet Nam era was upon us. It wasn't long before I was in Viet Nam assigned to a MASH unit.

If you have watched the TV series 'MASH' you get the idea of some of what I did. Of course, without the cameras rolling and never had time for retakes.

This brings me to my romantic life tale of marital disaster and recovery.

In college, I was very immature the first several years. I was a virgin. I dated very little and never one on one at first. In my sophomore year I met an incoming freshman from St. Louis. She was very quiet, very attractive and as it turns out, very homesick. She was in my German 101 class. Her father was first generation German immigrant. She spoke German but had little knowledge of German grammar. We sat nest to each other and become friends. Both of us insecure. We naturally became close friends and began to date. I found that her father was a large man with a distinct German accent and an overbearing personality. He ruled his family with intimidation and backed it up with force.

Sharon, my girlfriend, had not been allowed to date in high school. She had not been allowed to learn how to drive a car. In fact, she had attended high school only by her mother threatening her father with divorce. Seems education was something he thought was unnecessary. He had a third grade education and was a food company salesman. They had very little money as a result of his belligerence and haughty prejudicial attitudes. Southerners like me were all rednecks and worthless piece of cow dung. He was partial to the Nazis and held their views of Jews, niggers and Asians. His wife, Sharon's mom was of English and Italian decent. She had completed the fifth grade and realized the value of education. That's how Sharon was able to escape after saving up from two years of work after high school for college.

We dated but I was not allowed any real intimacy with her. Not until I had pinned her with my Sigma Upsilon Nu frat pin did I get to feel her breasts. They were ample C cup. The first time I got my hands inside her bra she wouldn't look at me while I massaged her breasts. Her nipple hardened and she began to pant a little and removed my hand.

Many the time we would sit closely together in the evening on campus my holding her as she cried about her lack of being able to sleep, and the noise of the dormitory. We would kiss and I would feel the cool tears on her face. I was lonely, very lonely. My mother had told me never to come home. My dad was more lenient but not real supportive. As a result the both of us needed each other. I for companionship and she for a friend to unload her anxieties, depression and isolation upon.

Not until much later did I realize how unhealthy and immature this relationship was. Neither of us had a 'home'. We had parents but her dad had disowned her for going to college and told her she could never succeed in anything in life. She ultimately believed him. This had been his lifelong message to her. She was worthless and would be a failure in everything she did because she was female. I know this is pure bull shit but to be fed this all your life destroys a child's life. I felt sorry for her and thought I could really help her get away from her childhood problems. She was beautiful, soft, warm and loved to cuddle; which I also enjoyed. I was not on good terms with my mother who had told me that I was not welcome to come home after high school. I was lonely and felt rejected.

Ultimately, we married between my junior and senior years of college. She had to work full time and I had to work part-time to make ends meet.

Our first times together were difficult. I had to wear a condom as the pills were available only by prescription and we didn't have the money for a doctors visit. She was almost rigid. We talked a lot but her attitude was sex was for procreation only and we couldn't afford children. She would agree to let me have sex occasionally with her but she told me she didn't intend to enjoy it. What a also bummer. I was beginning to see what a mistake I had made.

Things didn't improve. My thoughts that I could change her rapidly became apparent as fictional. My frustration level gradually increased as her refusals for sexual adventures continued. Her frustration was apparent also. I had been her ticket to paradise but she just couldn't let go of her past. Seemed like her father was always with us, even more so after he died while I was in medical school.

Sharon was a good and loyal worker. She made friends at work. She got some merit pay increases but never was "one of the girls" socially at work. We both lived isolated lives together.

One day I came back to our little apartment to find her crying yet again. She dried a lot before we got married then this left her for a couple of years. I wondered if she would ever be normal. Any way, that evening, I tried to comfort her but she was inconsolable. She finally said she wanted a divorce. She was miserable and realized she was making me miserable to. For the very first time, I considered taking her up on that proposition.

"Sharon, let's not talk of divorce yet. If you feel that way, we should have a trial separation first." She continued to cry. I was finally at my wits end.

"I have vacation time available. Tomorrow I can begin it. We will fly you back to St/ Louis. Your parents can pick you up and I'll fly back here. You will be free of me with time to decide what you want. If you want to come back, you will give me sex and plenty of it. If you refuse me my marital rights to sex, then just stay home and we will divorce. You ate sex and I don't want to force you. It has to be enjoyable to be right.

The next day we were on a plane to St. Louis. She was no happier. Now she was crying and worried about being at home where her problems began. I suggest she get into therapy. Then if that was successful, we could have marriage therapy when she came back to me. I left her at the airport with her parents. All I said to them was. "Your daughter wants a divorce. I insist on a trial separation first. She should get into therapy if the marriage is to continue. Her problems began at home and I can't fix them.. Good bye." With that I left them. Her dad cursed me loudly and said some things that further damaged Sharon and me.

I thought my heart would be broken but it wasn't. I was lonely again but that was better than having to deal constantly with her. My non professional therapy wasn't going to work. Love was not enough . I was going to be a surgeon, not a psychiatrist. I immersed myself in my studies and put Sharon out of mind, best I could.

She continued to call me evenings complaining of her innumerable, interminable psychological problems and medical conditions that resisted diagnosis or treatment. She was no better. Her father blamed me for everything. He had no use for "shrinks". As a result, Sharon never saw a counselor or even a minister as his insistence. He was convinced the problem was me, not his daughter. I could see that my marriage was going down the tubes in spite of my best efforts. I contacted a divorce lawyer and began the proceedings for a legal separation. Sharon was served her papers. After that, I didn't hear from her. Six months went by and the divorce became finalized. We split all of our joint nothing 50 / 50. I was able to avoid alimony since she was the one that wanted the divorce and had left me and refused counseling. I had protected myself by seeing a marriage counselor and a psychologist. Thus ended the sad immature beginnings of my adult life.

I continued to see my marriage counselor / psychologist. Gradually I learned more and more about myself. My self confidence grew by leaps and bounds as I discovered who I was and how any future relationships should develop. This training actually helped me in interviewing patients and explaining some problems. My relationships with others in my chosen profession improved as I learned how to deal with different personalities. I enjoyed avoiding confrontations while making rapid decisions that trauma surgeons must make.

What did I learn from this sad experience. Next go around, we would seek premarital counseling well before I asked for commitment. We would take the professional advice even if it meant breaking up. I was smart enough not to make the same mistake twice, especially one that was so painful to me.