A Mother's Love Never Dies

Shit! I did this all the time! I knew I had no real interest in Amber, not that she wasn't interesting, in fact Amber was very interesting, but sweet and I wouldn't hurt her with my issues. Yet I was so comfortable with her and couldn't help flirting. Proving I couldn't help myself, I blurted out, "For you? At least eight."

"Oh, I like that!" she giggled, "But I want a measurement!"

I laughed as well and realized that most of the time I did laugh these days was around Amber. I sat on the edge of the bed and as soon as my eyes landed on the picture of mom my smile faded. I couldn't do this. I'd never been able to tell mom how I felt and left her to be lonely, it would be wrong for me to move on and be with someone.

"So uh....what do you want?" I asked.

There was a pause and she sighed, "Well that was a not so subtle brush off, 'what do I want' thanks."

"I'm sorry." I said, meaning it, "It's just...you know what today is."

"Of course I do," she said softly, "Why do you think I called? I want to make sure you're all right."

That made me feel like a bigger asshole and after a brief pause I answered, "I....I appreciate it Amber, I didn't mean to sound like a jerk."

"It's okay Trevor. I know you're still having a hard time and today's going to be rough, hey are you coming to school today?"

"I have a class in the morning that I have a test in, but I'm skipping the rest."

"Hey, want to do lunch? My treat!"

"I...I don't think so."

"Come on, we can go to Friday's you like it there."

"I know, but...."

"You shouldn't be alone today Trevor, all you'll do is mope." She paused then added, "You know a lot of guys wouldn't mind lunch with a cute young girl, never mind she's paying."

A voice in the back of my mind was screaming at me to say yes. Go out, have some laughs, enjoy her company. The voice got louder and was accompanied by the image of Amber laying in my bed, her long dark hair fanned out on the pillow, her dark eyes staring up at me. I blinked and looking again at the picture of mom, said, "Sorry Amber, maybe another time."

"So much for eight inches, I can't even get lunch."

"I...I just can't today, don't be mad Amber I..."

"It's okay Trevor." She said quietly. "I'm the one that keeps pushing, but today I really just wanted to make sure you were okay."

"I am." I lied, "Tell you what; I'll call you later so you know I'm still okay."

"If that's the best I'll get then that's better than nothing," she replied. "Hang in there Trevor, and like I've told you since your mom passed, I'm always here if you want to talk."

"I know."

"Trevor?"

"What is it Amber?"

"Your mom wouldn't want you to be alone; she'd want you to be happy."

"I don't deserve to be." I said and quickly hung up.

*****

"I'm sorry Mom," I said as I sat in front of the rose colored tombstone that marked my mother's final home. "I...I should have told you how I felt a long time ago, you should have gotten to know you weren't alone."

As I spoke I began putting the roses I had brought with me into the stone vases built into the sides of the tombstone. "Maybe if I'd told you, you'd still be here, things would have been so different, bet you wouldn't have even gone to that fucking party"

I frowned as I couldn't fit the last rose in either of the vases and laid it in my lap as I sat cross legged in front of the stone. I felt those damn tears starting again, but didn't try to fight the. If you couldn't cry on your mother's grave where could you? As I let my emotions have their way I reached out and idly traced the script engraved on the stone.

Jasmine Winters

April 10th 1968- October 31st 2011

Beloved wife and mother, you will be missed.

I turned my head and looked at Dad's grave where I had sat for the previous half hour. I always felt guilty when I visited my father. After all I had spent the last two years lusting after his wife. In my heart however, I always believed dad would understand and knew he wouldn't want mom alone either. I still felt bad though, especially because I missed mom so much more. Again I think he would know why, Mom and I were around when dad passed, he had never been lonely as mom had been or like I was now.

Wiping at my eyes I sighed, "I wish you knew how I felt mom, I....I wish I knew if you know now. I...I'd give anything to be able to tell you I loved you," I swallowed hard and continued, "Hell, I...if you had to go I just wish I could have said good bye, I..."

"Maybe you still can." A voice said from behind me.

I jerked around so hard I almost fell over, catching myself by getting a hand down on the damp grass, I looked up to see Amber standing not more than a couple of feet behind me.

"Jesus Christ!" I exclaimed, "Are you nuts? Sneaking up on someone in a cemetery?"

"What did you think I was a zombie?" Amber asked, and then making a show of rolling her eyes back moaned, "They're coming to get you Barbara!"

"Real funny." I said although I felt a smile creep across my face.

"Ha!" She laughed, "Got you to smile."

I nodded, "That you did."

Looking up at her, it wasn't just her crappy Night of the Living Dead imitation that caused me to smile, Amber, as always looked damn good. Her long brown hair was down and although she was wearing a sweater, it was only buttoned halfway and the black t-shirt beneath was low cut, showing off her ample chest. Despite the fact it was only in the low fifties, Amber was wearing a short black skirt, but the black boots she was sporting went up to her knees leaving just part of her legs visible. What I could see looked pretty damn good though and the boots had some damn high heels.

As she smiled down at me, I wondered what she would look like wearing just those boots. I realized I was staring and made it a point to bring my eyes up to her face and smiled again as I looked into her eyes. Amber had huge brown expressive eyes, doe eyes mom had called them. On that note I remembered when I'd first met Amber three years ago and she had come over a couple of times to study, mom had remarked on how pretty she was and for the next two years would ask me why the hell I wasn't asking her out. She'd sigh disgustedly and ask what I was waiting for; little did she know it was her I was waiting for.

"Up for a little company?" Amber cut into my thoughts.

"A little late to ask, isn't it?" I frowned as something occurred to me, "Were you listening to me long?"

Apparently taking my question as a yes, Amber sank down to her knees in front of me and looked away, "Yeah, I was standing here for a couple of minutes, I... I saw you were um, upset so I wanted to give you some time."

"How did you know I'd be here?" I asked.

"Where else would you go right after class on the anniversary?" she shrugged, "I'm sorry Trevor, I'm just worried about you that's all."

"It's okay." it really wasn't, but I'd already been an asshole to her once today and who the hell else did I have these days that cared about me?

"Thanks." Amber turned to face Mom's tombstone and bowing her head closed her eyes.

I took a moment to admire her soft features before lowering my gaze and checking out her rather firm looking features. Amber was leaning over and I caught just a glimpse of red lace beneath her t-shirt. I jerked my gaze away, upset at myself for looking at her on my mother's grave. Speaking of, I wondered how much Amber had heard. I hadn't said anything really inappropriate. Amber I'm sure would just take 'I love you mom' as just that, she didn't know I would have liked it to be in the carnal sense as well as the normal son's love for his mother.

With no one else to talk to I had told Amber how badly I missed my mother, but of course not in what way. I'd told her I felt guilty that she had spent her last couple of years alone and felt kind of responsible for it because I might have been why mom didn't want to move on and had never encouraged her to. It had felt good to talk about it even though it was only half truths. As always Amber had listened and tried to tell me it was okay. Her mother was a fortune teller and Amber claimed to have a gift to communicate with spirits and did card readings for the kids at school sometimes.

She told me where Mom was she knew everything in my heart and it would all be okay. I wanted to believe her, but first I didn't believe in that hocus pocus shit and Amber always told me Mom would want me to be happy and move on. That was always said with a sly smile and the batting of her long eyelashes. It was painfully obvious Amber was into me and a couple of friends at school wanted to know I why I wasn't getting into her. Sometimes I wondered that myself, but was afraid if I got close I would start thinking of mom and have a repeat of Tammy. Best for me to not lead her on, I didn't want to only go through the motions and there was only one woman I had longed to give my heart to.

Sensing movement I looked back to see Amber was now staring intently at Mom's grave. She turned towards me and said, "You know Trevor, you could have that chance to say goodbye."

"Yeah, how's that?"

"Through me." She tapped her chest. "You can come over my place tonight and I'll channel her."

"Again with that stuff?" I asked, rolling my eyes, "You know I don't believe that shit."

"Doesn't matter, what does matter is I have a gift and if you come into it really wanting to talk to your mom, she'll sense it and come."

"Amber please," I said, "I know you mean well, but card tricks and things like that are stupid."

"It's not stupid!" she snapped, "I do have the gift! I got it from my mom and I don't like you making fun of me!"

"Sorry." I sighed, "I don't want to hurt your feelings, but..."

"Then why do you do it all the time?"

She pushed her full lips out into a pout and putting her head down looked up at me with her big eyes through her lashes.

"Amber," I began

"I just want to help Trevor, please let me help?" keeping her head down she added, "It'll make me happy to try."

I looked at the pout and despite my reservations, began to smile again. I knew she was playing me with the lips and those eyes. As I continued to stare I saw her lips trembling and unable to keep it up anymore her pout started to turn into a smile and I laughed, "You goddamn faker!"

"Come on Trevor, what do you have to lose? I mean even if there is a little chance you could talk to your mom, wouldn't she be worth it?"

"That's not fair." I said.

"But it's true. You keep saying there are things you wished you told her, well if there are things she wanted to tell you, she'll sense you calling to her! And its Halloween; the night that families departed loved ones come home to them!"

I started to say forget it, but stopped. What if she was right? What if mom wanted to say goodbye to me as well? In front of me Amber was giving me another of her little fake pouts and with an exaggerated sigh, I nodded, "Okay, we'll try."

"Great!" she clapped her hands excitedly. "Be at my place around eight."

I frowned. Amber's place was a small three room apartment over her parent's garage. Because they liked still having her close, her folks never bothered her, even when it came to having guys over, saying she was twenty two and it was her life. I now found myself wondering if I was walking into a set up.

"I'll be there, but um...you know."

"Know what?"

"I...I'm coming over for that, not to uh..."

"Don't worry Trevor." She rolled her eyes at me, "I won't try to raise anything but a spirit."

Feeling like an asshole yet again, I looked down and saw I still had the last rose in my lap. Snapping most of the stem off, I leaned forward and slipped it into her hair.

"Here you go," I smiled, "Now you really look like a gypsy."

Amber blushed and after giving me a quick kiss on the cheek said, "I hope we talk to your mom tonight, I want to tell her what a sweet boy she raised!"

I gave her an awkward smile and wondered how sweet she would think I was if she knew how I really felt about my mother. Well guess it didn't matter, it wasn't like she would never know, no one would, including my mother.

*****

I arrived at Amber's just before eight and with a resigned sigh got out of the car. Since I'd seen her this morning I'd had the phone in my hand a dozen times to cancel. Not only would tonight be a waste of time, but I really wasn't sure I wanted to be alone with Amber. It was hard enough to brush her off over the phone or in public, but in her place? In the end I decided not to let her down, for some reason this meant something to her and she was too good of a friend not to give her a chance.

My unease grew when I walked along the side of the garage and noticed her parents weren't home. Not that they would have bothered us, but I would feel a little less like I was walking into Amber's version of trick or treat. She had left the door open for me and walking up the stairs, I could already smell the pungent aroma of incense. She really took this shit seriously. I knocked and a moment later Amber opened the door and I felt a sense of relief go through me.

Part of me had expected her to open the door wearing lingerie, but instead she was wearing a plain long black robe. I did notice the robe was rather low cut, showing the creamy tops of her tits, but otherwise she was mostly covered. The second thing I noticed besides her cleavage is she had the rose I had given her earlier in her hair.

"Thank you for coming!" she smiled and kissed my cheek, "I thought you'd back out."

"Now why would you think that?" I asked.

"Yeah, right." She laughed, then turned and gestured for me to follow her, "C'mon in."

We walked through the small kitchen and I saw that the robe wasn't as modest as I thought. It was slit up both sides almost to her damn hips and I couldn't but help look at her long legs and the swing of her ass as we went into her parlor. I also noted she was barefoot and wearing silver anklets. The parlor was lit by what had to be two dozen candles scattered about and the smell of incense was almost overwhelming. Amber walked over to the couch and sitting down, crossed her legs.

I did the best I could not to stare at her bare leg as she picked up a small crystal ball from the table.

"Where'd you get that, the Halloween store?" I asked.

"Don't be an asshole," she told me, "This belonged to my great grandmother, and it's very powerful."

"Really?" I looked more closely at it, "Jeez, I'm sorry."

Amber laughed, "Don't be, I bought it at a pawn shop last year, Mom says you have to have your own, so I had to start with something."

"Way to make me feel like an ass."

"You deserve it sometimes." She told me, and then pointed, "Take your coat off and relax."

I slipped my leather jacket off and Amber whistled, "Wow, that's a sharp shirt."

I looked down at the purple short sleeved polo shirt I was wearing.

"You said wear Mom's favorite color."

"Looks good on you." She nodded, "Then again, what doesn't?"

"Uh, yeah, anyway, so what do we do?"

"Did you bring something of your Mom's for me to wear?"

I nodded and reaching into the pocket of my jacket removed the purple silk scarf, mom wore tied around her neck when she wore her favorite dress. Amber took it and handed me the ball.

"Here rub this." She told me while tying the scarf around her neck.

I held the ball between my palms and began working it between them as if I were rubbing up a baseball. "This feels stupid." I told her.

"Really?" She asked, while lighting the two tall red candles on the coffee table in front of us. "I figured you liked playing with balls, it's not like you want anyone else to do it."

That wasn't true, I knew who I would love to be playing with my balls, but that was no longer an option. Amber cupped her hands together and put them out to me. I deposited the ball into them and she said, "Keep your hands on it."

"Yeah, sure."

"Don't be an ass, Trevor, at least try." She scolded me.

"Sorry."

"Now close your eyes and think of your mother. Think of how much you love her and think of something that you two did together that made you feel close to her."

Resisting the urge to roll my eyes, I closed them and thought of mom. It was pretty easy to think of how much I loved and missed her, I'd been thinking of it every day for a year now.

"I'm calling to the spirit of our loved one." Amber said softly, "I am calling to Jasmine Winters on behalf of her son Trevor."

Oh, for God's sake, I thought as she continued in an exaggeratedly breathy voice.

"Tonight is the night the souls of the departed come to visit their loved ones. Tonight I have opened my home as well as my soul to Jasmine in hopes that she will visit."

I opened my eyes to see Amber's were closed. She had moved her leg so her feet were on the floor and our hands were in her lap. She had stopped speaking and was breathing slowly through her mouth. Her full lips were parted and I had to say she looked beautiful in the candlelight. I jumped as she shivered and gasped. Her eyes lids were trembling and my eyes narrowed as she shook her head, causing her hair to fall across her chest. I swore it looked darker, must be a trick of the candle light. I leaned closer and crinkled up my nose as I swore I had caught a whiff of Angel perfume.

Had there been some on the scarf, I wondered. I also wondered if Amber knew what Mom wore and was fucking with...

"You're not concentrating Trevor," she whispered, startling me out of my thoughts. "I...I can feel her Trevor, I really can, but she's not going to come to me, you need to focus on her, think about what you long to tell her."

Amber's eyes had remained closed and her voice had an eerie faraway sound to it, as if she weren't sitting two feet in front of me. I had to say, the girl had her act down pat, she should start setting up at the local fairs.

"I'm not a fraud." She whispered, causing my eyes to widen. "Now think of your mother or we'll lose her."

I obediently closed my eyes and started to think about what I missed most about mom. I envisioned those beautiful eyes and that amazing smile. I recalled how even when I was twenty she would give me a big hug and an affectionate kiss before she went to bed. I noticed the ball seemed to be getting warmer beneath my hands and Amber's breathing was getting louder. I resisted the urge to open my eyes and instead let myself relax and pictured Mom in that short robe she was always wearing in my dream, that little black one she would only wear in her room or when she thought I was asleep.

In my mind my dream began to play out. I entered the room and saw her with her legs up, her soft smooth thighs staring out at me. I approached her and in a flash she was in my arms, I was kissing her deeply and running my hands up and down her body. Amber gasped loudly and the ball was beginning to get uncomfortably hot. Still my mind stayed where it was, with me now pushing my mother onto her back on her bed. Somewhere in my mind I called out that this had never been in my dream.

Where the image was coming from I didn't care. It seemed so vivid and again I swore I caught the scent of Angel. I was starting to sweat and like Amber started to breath heavier. My vision continued as while Mom smiled up at me, I undid her robe and pulled it open to expose her full round breasts and soft curvy body. I was naked and as I leaned down, Mom put her arms around my shoulders and pulled me down to her soft lips. I kissed her gently and looking into her emerald gaze whispered, "I...I love you mom."

"I love you to," she replied.

"I...I miss you so much Mom, I...."

"And I miss you to my baby."

My eyes jerked open as I swore those words had come from outside of my mind. In front of me Amber was sweating heavily, her dark hair starting to stick to the sides of her face. Her chest was heaving and her skin was flushed from the heat. Her entire body was trembling and becoming worried I shook the ball in her hands.