A New Lie

"My son-in-law said that I've lost my way. Drinking at that bar after he left me, I kept seeing that." I exhaled, exhaled a round of frustration and anger toward myself. "Being drunk gave me permission to see what I had done, and how trapped I was. Trapped by me, trapped by my actions, trapped by my fears, trapped by my anger. Damn it, the list was endless. Getting drunk for those hours made me realize that I could no longer deny that there was a big problem.

"This all hit the fan because he's been wanting me to get frisky."

"Jenny, what do you mean by frisky? What does he mean by frisky?"

Feeling a little embarrassed, I decided to be as professional as possible, "Sexually active, open, non-scripted, and non-scheduled."

"Sound a bit clinical to me. What do you really mean? It sounded like he was suggesting things to you that you weren't very pleased with?"

"Oh, it's a bunch of things. I'm in and out of hot-flashes. I'm dry. He wanted to spice things up, we'd gotten stale. He wanted me to be vocal, tell him things. Pretend stuff. I'm just not that interested. I get stressed out over my stupid job and the last thing I want is some games that I have to do."

"What has he tried to do to get you interested in having sexual relations?"

"Oh, he's listened to me vent about the world, about work, about everything. He's done flowers, clean the kitchen, rub my shoulders...I'm just not in the mood."

"Sound as if he's trying. How do you respond?"

I looked at the wall beyond her. I couldn't look in her eyes. "I brush him off, I down play, I negate anything going that way." I closed my eyes and a tear rolled over my cheek. "I shut him down. I shut my husband down. Now I've pushed him to his limit. NO. PAST HIS LIMIT." I dabbed my eyes with a tissue.

"When I get real stressed, I start predicting where things are going to go, and I shut him down harder. In the end, I start making things up just so I don't have to go there.

"He's been suggesting to me that we talk about some fantasies while making love. We've always been quiet when the kids were home. Why do I have to talk? Why do we have to get messy? Why do things have to change?"

Pia looked at me and paused, "Why are you here Jenny?"

I hung my head in shame and dabbed my eyes again. I reached for another tissue, and then a fifth and a sixth.

"Jenny, what else is going on in your life? What else is impacting your life together with your husband?"

"One of the last things he said to me was to ask what about us? The rest of our lives. I was too defensive and aggressive to even talk about that. Nope, I shut him down right away. Won that battle, lost the war." I paused and in a very quiet voice, "and lost my husband too."

Pia let me have some silence and then asked a simple question. "Do you know what you want to do with the rest of your lives together?" I shook my head no. "How do you think that you'll be able to find out?" The first session ended soon afterwards.

I didn't know how to get out of the place I put our marriage in. I was terrified that our marriage was going be over, or was it already over and I just didn't know about it yet. On that first meeting, Pia and I worked out our goals and tasks on what I should be doing. I started with a complete medical exam and had it scheduled with a specialist that she recommended. Pia is over 10 years older than me and shared that she had some similar physical issues, medical issues that I needed to address. The second thing was to send a letter to Ryan asking him for some time for me to address some issues. The third was to take a breath. My problems were a long time in the making, and it will take some time to resolve.

Taking a cab back to my daughter's condo, I saw that my car was in the parking lot. I guess that it's official now.

It was now three weeks since I've seen or spoken with Ryan. I had asked Theresa to pass on a couple of messages that I needed some time. Some time with that medical specialist and some time with the Social Worker therapist. The feedback that I got was positive.

Two weeks into my exile, I was reviewing our checking account on line, a role I always do. It's mu task at home. There was a $1,500 check to our Lawyer's office. I didn't share this with my daughter, only my therapist Pia. I freaked out. Made it a point to not talk to Theresa about it. I can't get her more involved. It's bad enough that I'm in her spare bedroom while trying to spend as little time with the two of them. It's awkward, it's embarrassing, it's...my failure as a person. Yesterday Ryan sent a message that I needed to meet him at our lawyer's office. If I'm lucky, it'll be a trial separation. That's the best I can hope for.

In these last three weeks I've been making some real progress. I'll be changing jobs. There are things I can do medically. I'm looking at who I am, what I'm doing and how to rekindle my marriage. Then there's the empty nest and the future issues. Those are things we have to work out together. We have to work them out together, please?

I'm in the parking lot at the farthest parking space possible. I've turned the car off, and I wait. I wait for another 10 minutes and I'm terrified. God please don't let this be the end because I've been afraid and I've done stupid things. Stupid things to Ryan, stupid things to me and my...no... Our children. Stupid things. Stupid things. Stupid things. Stupid things. I take a deep breath and exhale. I wipe the tears from my eyes. It's time to open the door to face my music. Clutching my purse and an umbrella, I make my way in.

Walking into the office I hear "Jennifer?" I turn to the voice and nod yes. The receptionist smiles nicely at me, "Marcella and Ryan are in the meeting room. First door on your left." I nod and continue my perp walk. I open the door to see them talking and looking at some papers.

Marcella looks up and directs me to a seat next to Ryan. He looks at me and smiles. I can see worry and concern on his face. You can't be married to someone that long without knowing their moods.

Marcella looks at me and says "After I review everything with you, all you'll have to do is sign here and ..."

"Wait a minute please. I have a couple of things to say first." Marcella is a bit puzzled but nods yes and Ryan nods yes. Now for my famous last words before the hanging.

"In these last three weeks I've been making some real progress. First off, I decided to look for another job, away from those people that have been making my life heck. The money is just not worth it.

"I've seen a specialist for my ... my ..." Ryan nodded, understanding what I had a hard time saying. I'm not so talkative about bodily functions. That's the reason it's hard for me to vocalize in bed with him. "The doctor visits gave me some options on my aging and the changes that my body is going through. I've already seen some small changes and have some hope for some more.

"With my therapist Pia I've looked at what and why I've done things. I'm starting to see the why of my anger and avoidance and the way I've been treating you. We've been working on techniques to deal with it. I'm so sorry for being a bitch to you. I've been scared about a lot of things. Instead of using our love to grow together, I've dumped on you. That was just god damn wrong."

I paused and quickly started again. "I'm not out of the woods about this yet, but I'm not where I was before and I'm not returning there. I've been reading and thinking about being empty nesters and the changes that come from that. We need to work on that together. I've been going on automatic pilot, it's been hard to change, but every little change has been a bit easier.

"I've focused on me, broken down me. I've been trying to get a better me for a future for us. To put that spark back into our lives. To make the focus of our lives to be with one another again. Like it was when we were first married. I want to make a real go of it together with you again. I want to start over again with you. If it means we need to spend some more time apart, I understand..."

Suddenly Ryan broke in, "Where are my rings?" At this point Marcella is startled and I'm starting to shake. I reach into my change purse and slowly take the rings out. I hold them carefully. They are precious to me. I hope that they are precious to him too. Trembling, I gingerly place them into Ryan's out-stretched hand. Then he looks me in the eye. "I want you to sign these papers today." My heart breaks and tears start rolling out of my eyes when he continues. "When you sign, we'll have our Living Trust completed. He smiled and slipped the rings on his hand.

"Trust? Living Trust?" Then it hits me. Months ago Ryan and I decided to put our financial assets into a Living Trust instead of a will. Easier to handle, easier than going through probate, more protection from fraud, easier distribution easier..."

Marcella spoke up. "Let me review the Trust's terms with both of you. Starting with..." and for the next 10 minutes she reviewed the terms of the Trust. It would protect both of us if ...

When she finished, Ryan signed and I followed. Marcella said that we could pick up copies of the documents later in the week. That's when Ryan looked at me. "Will you be coming home with me now? I've got dinner waiting." There was a mischievous smile on his face, a pleasant mischievous smile. He leans over and kisses me quickly and pats my arm. Pats my arm like he always used to do. I grab his hand and do not let it go.

I smile and nod and kiss and hug him. I'm still in shock, drained, happy, worried, crying and relieved all at the same time. "Let's make it quick Jenny, dinner will get cold. Actually dinner is cold. We're eating leftovers." He chuckled. We could be eating beans out of a can and as long as it was with my husband, it would be dinner in a 5 star restaurant.

Getting to the front door, we see that it's pouring and can hear the thunder. Hugging him again, plastering my body to his, I feel his warmth, his love. I never knew how much I missed him physically being there.

You don't know what you have until you lose it.

"Ryan, there is a therapy group out of the place I'm going that looks like it would help us both. Boomers looking toward the future. We can also go to couples counseling with my therapist Pia Grabowski and her husband Lech. We can..."

That's when he placed a finger on my lips, followed by his lips. "We can talk all about that in the next couple of days. I'm just so happy you want to start over again with me, with us."

Holding Ryan's hand, I know that there'll be things to work out. There'll be fights. There'll also be make ups and a future. We walked into the downpour and didn't care. We were starting over again, together.