A Nighthawk at the Diner

Andrea’s mind was racing, searching for evidence that what Zoe said wasn’t true. But she couldn’t find any. She really hardly knew him. She had never even seen him outside of his job. What was she thinking, anyway, getting involved like this with a total stranger? She buried her face in her hands.

Zoe laid her cool little hand on Andrea’s forearm comfortingly, but cautiously. “It’s okay. He didn’t tell you. You couldn’t know.”

Andrea felt humiliated, embarrassed, and stupid, and it all started to come out at once. “I’m so stupid, Zoe. I’m such an idiot, I’ve been so tired lately I can’t think straight…” It was like someone opened a floodgate. She started telling Zoe about her trouble sleeping, about her work, about the first time she went out walking and met Jerry at the diner, about the first kiss, about the everything that they had done.

Zoe listened, and put an arm around Andrea. At first, her arm just rested on Andrea’s shoulder, then she was really, genuinely holding her, comforting her, as Andrea talked softly, almost crying.

Andrea slowly got her composure back and put a hand on Zoe’s. She felt horrible, and knew that it was all her own fault. From the beginning, it was all her fault.

Andrea collected herself a bit, her voice totally flat. “Do you know his wife? What’s she like?”

Zoe looked down at her feet. Her smile just almost vanished completely. She opened her mouth to talk, then closed it, and tried again.

Andrea suddenly realized with a physical jolt what she was going to say. “Zoe? You? Jerry’s your husband?”

Zoe nodded, looking relieved that she hadn’t had to say it.

“God, you must hate me. I’m sorry. I mean it, I’m so sorry.” Her mind was a blank. She tried to shrug out from under Zoe’s arm, but Zoe kept her hold gently.

“I said it was all right. Jerry and I haven’t been… We haven’t very close in a long time. Not since last year.”

She didn’t need to say it. Andrea held onto her hand. Zoe continued. “I’m not going to get in his way. He wants you, and I love him. Or I did. But I can’t be his lover anymore. It started before the attack, actually. It’s just, since then, I haven’t been able to force myself to touch him that way. But you can. It’s okay.”

Andrea’s head was still swimming. “So, this is what you wanted to tell me.”

“Not completely. I talked with him about you. I asked him if he had told you that he was married. Then I asked him if he was ever going to tell you. He told me that he wasn’t planning to.”

Andrea was silent for a while. “He wasn’t going to tell me.” It wasn’t a question.

Zoe waited. “Are you okay, dear? Andrea?”

Andrea took a deep breath. “I’ll be okay. I’m sorry.”

Zoe rolled her eyes prettily. “Stop saying that, honey. It’s the mark of unearned guilt. Do you want to be the world’s scapegoat?”

Andrea looked down. “I just feel so awful. But I’ll be okay. Really.”

Zoe squeezed her shoulder warmly. “Are you going to see him again?”

Andrea thought about it. “No.” It was a simple answer. She knew it in her heart. She didn’t want to see him again.

Zoe’s smile changed to concern. “You can. If you want to. I really won’t stand between you. I want him to be happy. I want you to be happy.”

Andrea smiled at Zoe. “No. I don’t want to see him again. I don’t know why I was doing it in the first place, but it wasn’t for love. Or even really attraction. I just needed something. And I didn’t find it with him.” Andrea leaned into Zoe’s hug, hugging her back. Zoe felt tiny, even in Andrea’s arms, and Andrea could feel her heart beating quickly, like a bird’s heart.

Zoe was silent for a long time.

Outside, the soft sound of the wind died down as the wind changed. Something unseen skittered by in the darkness of the street, blown by the wind.

Andrea turned her attention back to Zoe, and found Zoe’s pale blue eyes looking right into hers. Her eyes were big, frightened. Her lower lip trembled very slightly.

Andrea almost spoke up, but something made her wait. It was all she could do at the moment. She smiled slightly.

Zoe’s eyes closed slowly, as she brought her face closer to Andreas. Andrea closed her own eyes, and felt Zoe’s elfin lips touch hers. Just for a moment. Just for a touch. But that touch was enough.

Zoe pulled back quickly, and Andrea’s eyes snapped open. Zoe was looking at her, uncertain. More frightened than before. Vulnerable. Full of questions.

Andrea licked her lips slowly, tasting Zoe on her lips. Her heart pounded and her limbs felt distant and disconnected. She felt warm, without the whiskey this time.

She felt like something inside of her was about to take flight.

She leaned forward, and Zoe met her in another kiss. They fit perfectly.

When she got home, Andrea slept like a baby. And dreamed.