A Pessimists Romance Ch. 04

Connor was eventually kicked out of the room and was forced to wait in the waiting room until visiting hours started again. It was six in the morning and he hadn't gotten an ounce of sleep the whole night, when he saw Dalton walking towards the front desk. He held his jacket and was forced to wear his bloody clothes he had been wearing during the crash. He had a bandage on his head and a cast on his left arm. That was it.

Connors fury burned even brighter. Neil lost an arm and Dalton got to walk away with a scratch and a band aid. The world just wasn't fair. Dalton turned away and was heading towards the door when Connor stopped in front of him.

"You piece of shit." He said, through clenched teeth.

"Connor...How's Neil, have you heard anything?" It was obvious he had sobered up.

"Yeah, you stupid son of a bitch!" Connor shouted. The nurse gave him a look and he dragged Dalton outside.

"Is he okay?" Dalton asked, not noticing how Connor dragged him outside by his collar or how his jaw was clenched so tight you could practically hear his teeth crack under the pressure.

"God you're such an ass. I cant believe you did this! He's in the hospital! He had to have surgery!" Connor shouted, pointing inside the hospital. Dalton looked down at the ground.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for any of this to happen. How is he?" Dalton asked.

"He's in deep shit, now. You did this to him you cost him..." Connors voice cracked and he turned around, trying to keep himself from crying. He turned back around, angrier than ever.

"You cost him his fucking arm, Dalton!" He shouted. Dalton went pale. "You just ruined his life! He wanted to go to Berkeley! He wanted to be a musician! How the fuck is he supposed to play the violin with one hand!" He lost control and swung at Dalton, who moved just a second too late. The blow connected to his shoulder and he fell against the wall. Connor pulled his hand back again, but this time Dalton was ready. He moved aside and Connors hand hit the wall of the hospital.

He cried out and bent over, holding his hand in agony. He pulled it away and looked at the scraped flesh. His anger was subsiding, but he was still furious at Dalton.

"I've dealt with you two being together, and him picking you over me. I can live with that, as long as I know he's happy. And he was! He was so happy with you!" Connor shouted. "But you just had to go and fuck it up, didnt you? What the fuck was going through your head? He loved you, and in return, you ruin his life!" Connor said. "Stay the fuck away from him, or I'll beat you so bad you'll wish you're in his position, right now." Connor said. Dalton was crying and looking down at the ground like a kicked puppy.

"I'm sorry...I'm so sorry..." He sobbed quietly.

"Good. I hope you feel sorry for the rest of your life." Connor said, anger finally gone. Now all he wanted to do was get back to Neil. The nurse said he would probably be waking up today. Without another word, he did just that. He stepped inside and walked up to the front desk. The nurse he had gotten to know, Wendy, agreed to let him into visiting hours half an hour early, since it seemed Neil was beginning to wake up. Connor wanted to be there to comfort him when he found out just what kind of condition he was in.

He stepped into the room and sat down on his left side, so he was able to hold Neils hand. Neil turned his head and wrinkled his brow when Connor put his own hand on his. Connor watched him and smiled a little when Neil squeezed his hand. Connor took another look at where his right arm used to be. It had been amputated just above the elbow, and was wrapped in thick gauze. Connor sighed, he didn't want Neil to go through this. He had already had a harder life than most people his age, he didn't need this.

As if on cue, Neil began to wake up. He sighed and squinted his eyes as he opened them. He groaned and turned his head, as if he was trying to turn his head away from the bright hospital lights. Connor swallowed, how soon would he notice? What was he going to tell him? He didn't want to have to deal with that look on his face when he realized he was missing his right arm.

"God, my head." He mumbled, voice thick with sleep.

"Hey, Neil. How do you feel?" Connor asked, sweetly.

"My head hurts." He mumbled. Connor looked at the large gash in his head that had been stapled shut. "My mouth is dry." He said, not able to open his eyes completely yet. "Can I get some water?" Neil asked. Connor paged the nurses station and Wendy walked in.

"He's awake." She smiled. She looked at Connor and he shook his head, Neil still hadn't noticed.

"He's a little thirsty. Can he have something to drink?" Connor asked.

"Let me get some ice chips for you." She smiled sweetly, and came back with a paper cup full of ice chips and a plastic spoon. She gave them to Connor without hesitation. Connor scooted closer.

"Open." he smiled, and fed Neil a small spoonful of ice chips. Before long Neil had taken the whole cup and was beginning to open his eyes.

"Thank you." He said, voice still dry and raspy.

"You're welcome. I should get the doctor." He said.

"What happened?" Neil asked, before Connor could even completely stand up from his chair.

"You don't remember?" Connor asked. Neil shook his head.

"I remember...I think I remember graduation...we went to the grad party afterwards in the gym..." Neil mumbled, squinting as if he was trying to see something that was just really far away. "I can't remember anything after that...Am I in the hospital?" He looked around.

"Yeah...You were in a car crash." Connor said. Neil looked at him like he was insane.

"What?" He asked.

"Dalton got drunk...he freaked out and just started driving...I couldn't stop him Neil, I tried. He didn't see the turn and he rolled the car." Connor sighed. "Jesus, he must have been going ninety on that fucking road." He swore, running his hands through his hair.

"I don't understand..." Neil said.

"He flipped the car, Neil. You guys were both thrown out of the fucking windshield. I had to carry you to my truck and get a police escort to get you here before you-" He couldn't finish the sentence. "I was so fucking scared." His hands were shaking and he looked down at the floor.

"Fuck..." Neil swore. "...Where's Dalton? Is he okay?" Neil asked.

"That piece of shit is fine. He walked away with a bruise and a kiss from mommy." Connor said, bitterly.

"What?" Neil frowned.

"He just has a broken arm and a bandage around his head." Connor shrugged.

"A broken arm? Jesus, where is he? Can I talk to him?" Neil reached up to push off the blankets to go find Dalton.

"Neil...wait... You don't need to worry about him, it's you you have to worry about you-" Connor didn't want to tell him. He couldn't tell him. He couldn't believe he hadn't noticed yet.

"What?" Neil asked, still drowsy and not all there.

"Neil you...You're in a lot worse shape than he is, right now." Connor said.

"My head just hurts, is all. I don't feel that bad." He mumbled.

"Neil..." Connor knew he had to say something but he just couldn't. He couldn't be the one to tear his world apart.

"Connor I just want to see-..." He reached up what would be his right hand to push the blankets away and froze. Connor froze as well and the room was deathly silent. Neils jaw dropped and he stared at the stump that sat where his lower arm used to be.

"Neil...I..." Connor didn't know what to say. the silence was killing him. Neils eyes filled with tears but none fell. "I'm so sorry, Neil. I'm so sorry I couldn't do more..." Connor cried. Neil stared down at his arm and finally he blinked, forcing the tears to fall down his cheeks.

"No...I..." He was out of breath and tears were falling down his face at full force now. He was shaking and was on the verge of sobbing.

"Neil..." Connors voice cracked and Neil finally fell apart. He sobbed heavily and his left hand was bunched into a fist.

"NO!" He shouted. "It's not fair!" He cried. Connor bent over the bed and held Neil the best he could. "It's not fair!" Neil sobbed.

"I know, it's not." Connor said. Neil cried into his chest for a long time, just repeating the three simple words, that had been the base for his entire life.

The world was not fair.

~~~~~~~~~~~

After almost an hour of crying, Neil had finally fallen asleep. Connor worried about him and didn't leave his side for a minute. After only forty five minutes of sleeping, Neil woke up.

"Hey." Connor gave a weak smile. Neil didn't answer him. He only stared at the spot where his arm used to be. "It's going to be okay, Neil. I promise." He said.

"Is my dad here?" He asked.

"No...I didn't know how to get a hold of him...I ran by your house and he wasn't there." Connor said.

"He's in Florida...On a business trip." Neil said, his voice flat.

"Do you have his cellphone number? I can call him." Connor said.

"No...I don't want to interrupt him...It can wait until he gets back." Neil said.

"Neil...He should be here with you...You need someone to be here for you." Connor said, worried.

"I have you...Don't I?" Neil finally looked at him, almost begging him not to leave.

"Yeah, you do. I love you, Neil. I don't know how you feel about Dalton, now. But I just need to say it, okay? I thought you died...I thought you left me and I can't handle that, okay? I just need you to know that I love you and that I'll always be here. For whatever you need, understand?" Connor said. Neil nodded. The room went silent, but it wasn't the heartbreaking silence that filled the room two hours ago. It was a warm silence. There was a knock on the door and they both turned to see the doctor standing there.

"Hey, how are we feeling?" The doctor asked. Neil didn't answer him. "I just thought I would come in and tell you what's going on. I know you're probably wondering how you're doing." He said, and Neil nodded.

"I'll go..." Connor stood up.

"You said you would be here for me when I need you." Neil held onto his hand, keeping him there. "I need you." He whispered the last part. Connor smiled weakly and sat down.

"I'm going to tell you right now, that you're actually really lucky. I know it's hard to see it that way now, but you should have come out of that crash much worse than you did. In reality, you really shouldn't have survived that crash at all. It's really a miracle." The doctor smiled. Connor squeezed Neils hand.

"However, that's not to say that you're out of the woods. Obviously the worst of it is your arm. We didn't have any choice other than to amputate. Because we couldn't save any of the tissue below the elbow, that's going to make it very complicated to put on a prosthetic." The doctor said.

"But a lot of people live with missing limbs and no prosthetic." The doctor attempted a smile. 'They're really expensive, anyways." Neil finally gave a weak smile. "You have a pretty bad concussion, but that should get better soon. We'll have to keep waking you up every hour or so. To make sure you don't slip into a coma." The doctor said, looking at the clipboard he held in his hand.

"You have some pretty bad whiplash, and we didn't want you to hurt your neck when you first woke up, that's why the neck brace is there. You don't need it as long as you try to stay still and not turn your head to much." The doctor said. Neil agreed and the doctor took off the brace right away. Neil rubbed his neck and moved it slightly from side to side.

"You're back is the worst, next to your arm. It's a miracle the spinal cord wasn't severed. After being carried and driven to the hospital and then carried inside again, plus the CPR we had to do to keep you alive...Like I said, Miracle." The doctor laughed. "It's badly damaged and we had to put in a few bits of metal to keep you together, but you'll be able to walk which is a blessing in that of itself." He said. "Your ankle is sprained and you had a lot of glass shards scattered all up in you, but we managed to get all of them out. Overall, it's not as bad as it seems right now, I know I keep saying that. But you really are lucky." The doctor smiled sadly.

"Thank you." Neil said, and it seemed he was maybe starting to believe it, once the doctor told him how bad it should have been.

"Do you have any questions I can answer?" The doctor asked.

"Will..." Neil stopped, the doctor smiled and nodded for him to ask away. "Will I be able to play the violin, again?" Neil asked. The doctors face fell.

"Well...I...I don't think so, I'm sorry. But that doesn't mean you don't need to try. I've had people in cases like yours prove me wrong all the time. One of my patients a few years back lost an arm and a leg, went on to be a champion skier. Fuck I can't ski with all of my limbs!" The doctor laughed. Connor decided he liked him. It was obvious the man cared about his patients and tried to make a connect with all of them. "If you need anything else, don't be afraid to page the nurse, just ask for me and I'll be here ASAP. Oh, I'm so sorry, I'm Doctor Stein, by the way."

"Doctor Stein?" Connor smiled.

"Yeah, You can call me Frank." He smiled.

"Wait...Your name is really Frank Stein?" Neil was smiling, Connor was glad he still had a sense of humor. He was worried Neil wouldn't be the same person he was.

"Yep, thank god my middle name doesn't start with an N." He made a face and left the room.

"He's nice.." Connor said.

"Yeah..." Neil mumbled. "I'm really tired...Can I go to sleep?" Neil asked.

"Yeah, I'll be right here when you wake up." Connor smiled.

"Promise?" Neil asked, already drifting off.

"Promise." Connor smiled and rubbed the back of Neils hand with his thumb.

"Wont you be bored?" Neil asked, almost completely asleep.

"I brought a book." He shrugged. Neil smiled and fell asleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Neil had to be woken up every few hours and it was obviously pissing him off. He had already lost an arm and now he couldn't even get a decent nap. Everytime he woke up, he ended up just staring at where his arm used to be sadly. Connor wanted to do something to help, but there was nothing he could do.

"Fuck this, why even bother sleeping?" Neil mumbled, after being woken up for the sixth time that day. Connor chuckled.

"I'm sorry." Connor apologized.

"You could make it up to me by getting me some more ice chips." He mumbled.

"Sure." Connor stood up and walked out of the room. He was on his way to find Wendy when he saw Dalton at the front desk talking to her. "What are you doing here? I told you to leave him alone." Connor said, angry.

"I just want to talk to him. Can I see him, please?" Dalton asked. As much as Connor wanted to say no, he knew he should at least ask Neil what he wanted.

"Wait here." He said, and took the cup of ice back to Neil. Neil ate a spoonful before Connor could get a word out. "Daltons here...He wants to see you." Connor said. Neil froze and looked down at his blankets. "If you don't want to see him, thats fine. I can tell him to get lost." Connor said. "I just wanted to know what you wanted..." He blushed a little.

"I...I think I want to see him." Neil mumbled. Connor nodded. He only now realized how truly tired Neil looked.The shadows under his eyes had gotten deeper and his skin was almost as white as snow. The nurses had finally washed all of the blood from his hair, but it was still a mess. His lips looked chapped and it was obvious he really did want to get some sleep. Not just the hour long cat naps the nurses allowed him. Connor turned and left the room. He was unhappy with Neils choice, but also respected the fact that Neil was able to make his own choices, even in the state he was in.

"Fine. But you touch him at all and I'll throw you out of there in a heartbeat." Connor threatened. Dalton nodded and followed Connor into the room. Connor opened the door and crossed his arms over his chest. Dalton stepped inside and froze when he saw Neil, looking so small in the bed.

"Neil...I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for any of this to happen." Dalton said, tears beginning to fall down his face.

"I know..." Neil said, voice raspy as usual.

"I can't believe all of this happened. I hardly even remember last night. I didn't mean for you to lose your arm, Neil. I was just jealous I just...Jesus I can't believe this is happening." Dalton cried. Neil was looking away, at the wall. He was crying silently and looked up at Connor and Dalton finally.

"I'm not ready for this...I'm sorry can you just..." His voice cracked and he sobbed quietly. Connor pushed Dalton out of the room and shut the door. He walked over to Neil and held his hand.

"I'm sorry." Connor apologized, though he had nothing to be sorry for.

"I just...Why did this have to happen to me? I knew the world was shit before...but I never knew it could get this bad." Neil said, still crying.

"I don't know..." Connor said truthfully.

"What am I going to do? What kind of job am I going to do with one fucking arm?" Neil asked, holding up his missing limb.

"Don't worry about that right now. You just need to focus on getting better." Connor said. "They have physical therapy and stuff like that, right? That could help you. And Dr. Stein only said that it would be really hard to get you a prosthetic. Not impossible. Your family has money, everything will work out, Neil." Connor said.

"That's easy for you to say." Neil wiped his face with his only hand. "You still have all of your extremities." He said, and for some reason he found this funny. He laughed and soon Connor was pulled into his fit of laughter, and they were both laughing until the tears that fell down Neils face weren't ones of worry, regret, pain, or suffering. He was crying because he knew he wasn't alone.

~~~~~~~~~

Connor had told Neil he needed to focus on getting better. His back was too bad to be able for him to leave the bed and go to physical therapy, but that didn't mean that the therapist couldn't come to him. Within the first few days of him waking up, he asked Dr.Stein when he could start therapy.

"You want to start your physical therapy now? That was fast. Most patients don't want to start at all." Dr.Stein said.

"I don't want to just sit here being useless. All my life I've worked with what I've got and things have turned out alright." Neil said. "I know things are different now, and they probably won't be the same...But sitting here and being depressed about it isn't going to help anything." Neil said, a determined look on his face. It had been only four days since he had tried to talk to Dalton, and they hadn't spoken since. But Connor was glad that Neil was handling this well. Better than he thought he would handle it at least. Neil looked small, and thin, and helpless, but he was strong enough to survive the camps that they kept him in, and he was strong enough to survive this.

"Well, it's going to be at least a month before I want you to get out of bed. Your spine needs time to heal, if you try and work it too hard now you will only cause more damage." Dr.Stein said.

"But isn't there something else I could do? I feel so useless just sitting here." Neil said, looking around the hospital room.

"Well, I can schedule you some appointments with the physical therapist who will help you with your arm. Since you lost your right arm, I assume you're right handed, you'll have to learn how to write with your left. Also, you'll need to build up the strength in that arm. Most people don't realize it, but your primary hand is stronger than your secondary." The doctor said.

"I never thought about having to learn how to write again" Neil frowned.

"It's not as hard as most people think. Just stick with it and you'll get better. Just think about how long it took you to learn how to write the first time." The doctor shrugged. Neil nodded.