- Gay Male
- A River's Bluff
- Page 3
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The stormy weather slowly dispersed over the following day, the female rangers remained in sublime ignorance and Zipman's team--finally-- departed, amicably recompensed, via helicopter. How and myself (and, of course, Maximum Prime) collected our own selves*, making our way back to the big city after an unexpectedly... volatile... weekend.
Primitive camping had won over yet another zealous disciple.
* (We were regrettably forced to abandon our 4-man tent until the next memorable trek to our eyrie on the isthmus where we found it still pitched and intact, albeit pervaded by a noxious odor we dubbed 'parfum de skunklette', the lost hiking boot inside. Thereby adding further enigmatic facets to the growing conundrum regarding the true meaning for "rescue". We both kept our eyes widely peeled for both the Zipman as well as she-devils the whole time...no damn doubt. Fantasies and nightmares thrive.) Ear-to-ear, cum-dripping grin. I am out.
P.S. Just an addendum to all would be Puritans and Judgmentalists: No animals were hurt during the writing of this Fantasy and God forbid anything more than the four major food groups were actually ingested...just sayin''''''''. Ba-Da-Boom, with a finger spread.
- COMMENTS
redzingerover 8 years ago...with the earlier comments. I can understand that you want to present a certain writing 'style'. However, I was sadly unable to locate the story amongst all the flowery descriptions and ultra-long sentences. The story would be improved with the addition of further punctuation and structure, and the subtraction of the thesaurus and most superfluous adjectives.
Good luck in the contest.
zackjackover 8 years agoAuthorI am appreciative of the critique and will take it under advisement. Yours is not the first comment alluding to these points. As a neophyte in the genre there is a learning curve.
If you find your way to reading any other posts hopefully you will see an improvement. Buckley is not a writer I would purposely emulate...
My regrets that you didn't finish.
Zackjack.
Anonymousover 8 years agoThank you for posting this, Zackjack.
Your story appeared to have much to recommend it; wilderness, camping, hiking, summer fun, and sexual high-jinks throughout.
I wanted to like your story.
I REALLY wanted to.
Unfortunately your overly 'elaborate' (for want of a better word) descriptions got in the way. To the point that I couldn't finish even the first page of your story. It was as if you were trying to impress the reader with how erudite you are, hit them over the head with your vocabulary, and your actual *story* was pushed aside in the process.
If you are trying to emulate the 'intellectual style' (if you will) of William F. Buckley, you have well succeeded, but at the cost of the reader's enjoyment of your story - at least *this* reader's enjoyment of your story.
Were you to take some cues from Ernest Hemingway, do away with the 'intellectual style', and use simpler sentence structure, you story would be much more readable and enjoyable. This coming from an anonymous Internet reviewer.
Please take these humble comments as encouragement and the (hopefully) constructive criticism they are intended to be.
That is all.
Sign me as;
Anonymous #3.
zackjackover 8 years agoAuthorWhy, thank you both commenters. I will take your words and thoughts under advisement and do appreciate that you took the time to read of it. While I had hoped for less 'lost' and more 'absorbed', it does gratify that some read it also. My initial attempts so not expecting much. One stickler for me though is losing my command of the language in order to keep the focus attuned. Are there the likes of different "sophisticated" venues as you allude, anon #2?
Anonymousover 8 years agoI agree it is wordy, but I enjoyed it anyway. Thank you for posting it here although it may be better suited to a more sofisticated venue. It's almost too wild to be true but I'd like to think something like this could really happen. I'll be hot thinking about it the rest of the day!!
