A Romantic Tail Ch. 04byMissBri©
Chapters 2 and 4 of this series were written by lilredjammies. When she left the site, she gave me permission to post the missing chapters in order to preserve continuity. It's taken me forever, but here they are. And I just may get some new chapters written someday... Perhaps I'll even have a bit of help from a certain big sis.
Date: August 20, 2006 8:56:16 AM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Hi
Dear Miss B1tch,
Would it be okay for me to call you Dharma? I don't want to presume, but it would be easier to type, and I think PL is starting to notice a few claw marks in the keyboard.
Speaking of things PL doesn't notice, I decided that if she didn't want me to use her Visa, she wouldn't leave it lying around. *eg* I hope the package got to you safely, and that you enjoy squeaky toys and pig ears. I asked them to make the pig ears into a flower shape, but I don't know if they did.
I promised to tell you about Bigfoot and the Collar of Shame. As you know, it started with Bigfoot getting a hematomato and his ear being all swollen and him having to go to the Chamber of Horrors. The week after that visit, Bigfoot wouldn't stop shaking his big head and rubbing that ear on the carpet. I don't know why PL thinks he's so smart—if he were, he'd know that pestering an itchy bit just makes it worse. I never do that, and PL keeps saying I'm all blonde and no brains. Sheesh. Anyway, the Friday after the yummy-smelling plumber man was here, PL came home from work and said that Bigfoot was going to the Chamber of Horrors again, but this time just to have his stitches out. She told me I had to stay behind, which I didn't mind at all, but she also said I had to wait until they came back for my dinner. That is totally unfair, and I told PL that, but she just left.
I mooched around the house, nosing at stuff, napping on the bed, and all that, but none of the things you can do while you're alone are much fun when you are dying of starvation (I don't know about you, but I am dying of starvation before every meal). Anyway, when I heard PL's car in the driveway, I ran to the door, which is Item #4 in the Good Dog Manual, and waited, wagging my tail (Item #4a). When PL opened the door and I saw what was there, I backed up a bit to get a good run at the monster, tensed up and growling the whole time. The monster in the doorway reeked of the Chamber of Horrors and had a giant plastic head. I stopped growling when it got stuck in the door, though. You can't really be scared of something that gets stuck in a door! When PL helped it in, I saw that the monster was actually Bigfoot, but before I could ask him anything, PL put him outside on his chain and then gave me dinner. I'm always impressed with her hunting skills—she doesn't have very good claws or teeth, and she never takes a weapon, but about once a month, she goes out and comes back with a big bag full of chicken, all chopped up and mixed with corn and with no feathers! Does your human do this too?
Anyway, after I'd had dinner and gone outside to visit the flowerbeds, Bigfoot and I settled down for a nice long chat. It turns out that when PL took him to the Chamber of Horrors, he didn't see the vet whose shoes he barfed on, but Dr. Mark, who stuck a needle in his ear and drained out all the fluid, then taped his ear to his head. Plus, PL told on him! She did! She told that doctor every single thing Bigfoot did to his ear that week. Dr. Mark said she'd better put a collar on him, and Beth, who I always thought was so nice, went and got one and helped PL put it on. It's hard to explain it, but it's clear plastic, and it looks like the really big cones the humans put on their indoor light sources (Bigfoot says those are lambs, but lambs are fleecy toys, so I don't think he's right). Anyway, PL calls it the Collar of Shame, and says that Bigfoot has to wear it because he was a Bad Dog when he rubbed and shook and pawed at his ear!
Bigfoot spent a whole week pawing at the Collar of Shame, rubbing it on the carpet and doorframes, banging it into tables and PL's legs and trying to get it off. When none of that worked, he came up with a really clever idea. He lay down in the hallway just outside where PL works on the computer, and started whining. Nobody is better than my big brother at whining. I had to climb onto PL's bed and stick my head under the covers with my paws over my ears, and even then, I could still hear him! It was a high-pitched, loud whine and he kept it up for almost two hours. PL tried everything to get him to stop, hee hee. She tried telling him nicely, offering him a treat, yelling—she even smacked his nose (so now we're even at one nose-smack each). He didn't stop until his throat hurt, though. I was a little bit mad at him, 'cos he did all that and my ears were still ringing and it didn't work, but he was all mad that it didn't work, so we didn't even talk to each other.
The day after the horrible whining, PL came home from work and took Bigfoot again and left me. Again she left me without feeding me dinner, can you believe it? I spent a bored and starving hour looking for things to do, and then I happened to look outside and see the groundhog. PL thinks it's cute, but I have better eyesight than she does, and lemme tell you, it's ugly, ugly, ugly! The groundhog saw me and hissed and showed its teeth, so I growled back and showed mine, and then we just made faces at each other for a while until PL and Bigfoot came home. Bigfoot came in, all smug because he wasn't wearing the Collar of Shame. He even let me sniff his ear, which smelled like Dr. Mark's hands, rather than like anything really yummy the way it did before. Bigfoot was totally full of himself all evening, insisting that PL took him and had the Collar of Shame and the tape and stuff taken off because of his whining. He wouldn't listen to me when I said it was probably because his ear had healed, so I had to stop talking to him for a while. He is such a dumbbutt sometimes.
So there is the story of Bigfoot and the Collar of Shame. Some of it was kind of funny, some of it was irritating, and mostly, it meant that Bigfoot got more attention than I did for a week, but I hope you enjoyed reading about it.
If it's not too personal, I'd like to know if you have a boyfriend. I think you're really pretty and I don't have a girlfriend, and I know that I'm older than you are, but do a few dog years really matter? Anyway, I hope to hear from you soon.