A Second Chance

I needed to speak with someone about it, and there really were only two choices, neither of which was perfect. I could talk to Ariel, Dana's older sister, who had long been a sounding board for me ever since she ended my virginity in a room downstairs. But she was Dana's sister, and they were close. On the other hand, she lived in Hawaii, so with the time difference, she was probably awake. Or, I could call Sarah, who I knew would steer me right, but was also Dana's mentor, business partner and close friend.

I decided to sleep on it. My penis had gotten hard while I was thinking, so it was clear how that part of me would vote.

The next morning, I woke up to the smell of coffee brewing. When I went downstairs, Dana was watching TV, drinking coffee. She was wearing a bikini that, if not as revealing as the ones she wore when she was 18, or 25, was pretty daring for a woman who was eligible for AARP membership. Objectively, she pulled it off. A combination of genetics and hard work, I guessed. Plastic surgery was another option, but I never heard that she indulged in that, and her face and body didn't seem to have that false, tight look. Or, she had a really good plastic surgeon. Either way, she looked amazing and she clearly wanted me to know that.

"Dana, you look incredible," I said, and she smiled.

"Oh, this old thing," she said, laughing and posing for me. She knew exactly what she was doing.

I poured myself a mug of coffee to give myself something to do, and my loins continued to make a case for succumbing to her, but my brain still had reservations.

"Still want eggs?" I asked.

"I do," she replied, and I started working on cooking, which allowed me to take my eyes off of her.

Of course, while we ate, I was facing her, and her face and cleavage were their usual attractions. I knew exactly what she was doing, and I'm sure she knew that I knew. But neither of us cared. We had danced around each other for so long, that it was like riding a bicycle—you never forget. After breakfast, she wanted to go to the lake, so I changed into a bathing suit and we went down the path. I jumped in and started doing laps, and Dana followed. I did my usual number of laps, and when I finished, Dana was standing in the water, watching me, the wet bikini outlining her still gorgeous breasts, and displaying her hard nipples. I started walking out of the lake and she followed me. We lay next to each other on lounge chairs, in the shade. To me, one sign of a true friendship is that you can be together and not have to fill all the silences, and we lay there quietly. I needed to speak with Sarah, so I told Dana I had to go to the bathroom, and went to the house.

I called Sarah and told her what was going on. She laughed and said, "as soon as I told her you were at the lake house alone, she literally put down the papers she was holding, told me that she was taking vacation and walked out of the office."

"What do you think I should do?" I asked.

"What do you want to do?" she responded.

"I don't want to dishonor Rebecca's memory by doing anything too soon."

She replied, "So, what you are really saying, is that you want to be with her, but won't because you are afraid of what other people would think?"

"Not exactly," I said. "I do want to be with her, and it's not what others would think, but what is appropriate."

"But isn't 'what's appropriate' really just another name for 'what people will say'?" she responded.

"I guess so, but I have to live and work with those people," I replied.

"Not necessarily," she said, "and if you do, anyone who would begrudge you happiness after what you have been through is an idiot."

"So you are saying I should explore the situation?" I asked.

"I'm saying that you shouldn't foreclose it, if it is what you want. I know it is what Dana wants. I probably shouldn't tell you this, but she told me that she sees this as her last chance for happiness."

I was silent for a few seconds as I pondered that. "I think I need to speak with Peter and Marie," I said.

"I don't think you do, but I don't think it would hurt, either, if it would help you make up your mind."

"Thanks, Sarah," I replied. "Say hi to Steve and the kids."

"Say hi to Dana," she said, "and tell her to come back to work," she continued, laughing.

I had been away much longer than I would have needed for a bathroom run, but I wanted to try to reach some sort of a decision, so that I could either ask Dana to leave, or suggest that she move her stuff upstairs.

I tried Peter, and he was at home, working on his dissertation. "Peter, I need to ask you something."

"What, Dad?" he asked.

"Let me start by saying that you know that I loved your mother more than anything in the world," I started.

"That was pretty obvious," he responded.

"Good," I said. "And you know that I would never, ever do anything to insult her memory," I continued.

"Where is this going, Dad?" he asked.

"O.K., I'll cut to the chase," I said. "You know that I have always been close with Aunt Dana, right?"

"Yeah, I heard the stories," he said.

Not all of the stories, I thought, but enough, I guessed.

"So, I'm at the lake house, and she surprised me here, and, O.K., I'll just say it, I have feelings for her, and she does for me and I wanted to know how you would feel if we started seeing each other."

There was silence on the line, and I thought he was upset. He broke out laughing. "Dad, seriously, you are calling to ask my permission to sleep with Aunt Dana? I think it would be great if that is what you want and if she made you happy. I know that Mom would want you to be happy, and I know that she liked Aunt Dana. So, go for it, I say."

I started laughing and said, "Thanks, Peter, I love you."

"Love you too, Dad," and we ended the call.

Rebecca and I had always been open with our kids about sex and love, so Peter's frankness didn't really surprise me, and his reaction was heartening.

I tried calling Marie, but got voice mail. I decided to go down to the lake, so that Dana wasn't suspicious. I was willing to bet even money that she was sunbathing topless. Surprisingly, she wasn't. Maybe she thought that she needed to back off a little to prevent scaring me off. Or maybe she just didn't think of it. She was sleeping, but awoke when I arrived.

"Are you O.K.? You were gone a long time for a bathroom trip, and with guys your age, I know that becomes an issue," she said, smiling.

"Trust me," I said, "there are no problems in that area. Sarah called, and we chatted for a while. She says, hi, and get your ass back to work."

"We'll see," she said, ambiguously.

I lay down on my chair, but a few minutes later, Marie called. I took the call and started to walk away, so that Dana couldn't hear the conversation, which went essentially like my call with Peter. She wanted me to be happy, Mom would have wanted me to be happy, Aunt Dana was great, etc. I wondered if Peter called her first, but didn't really care.

So, it was up to me. And I knew what I wanted. I returned to the lake front, walked up to Dana, bent over and kissed her hard on the lips. Dana sighed, and kissed me back. I took her hand and led her back to the house. She started to head for the stairs, but instead, I led her to the couch.

"We need to talk," I said.

"O.K.," she said. "So, talk."

I replied, "I need you to tell me exactly what you want. After all of these years, I want everything out on the table."

She looked at me, and strangely I could see both happiness and sadness on her face. She paused and said, "I want you. I want you completely and totally." Tears started to fall down her beautiful face. She continued, "I've wanted you since high school, but I could never get myself to say it, or there was some reason not to say it that seemed logical at the time, like being at college. And I was mostly glad that you went off and found Rebecca, and became happy, and had kids and a family life, because I only wanted the best for you. I've had a good life, and a fun life and have been pretty happy, but I always believed that if we were together, I would be truly happy."

It took me a few seconds before I could respond, "You know that I've always loved you, but every time we were close to really getting together, something got in the way. Pride, fear, college, work. And then I met Rebecca, who I loved as much as I loved you. More, in fact."

She was crying harder now, and I continued. "Sorry, I know that may be cruel, but that is true. And I think you know that the second I met her, my feelings for you were gone, and I never once considered being unfaithful to her, with you or anyone."

Dana interrupted, sobbing, "I knew that. I knew that she was your soulmate, and that whatever you felt for me was not quite at that level. And you know that I have never, ever, in my life pursued a man who was married, or even in a committed relationship, and as much as it pained me, I wasn't going to break my rule, even for you. Not to mention, I knew it wouldn't work."

I interrupted her, "It wouldn't have, but I appreciate your not tempting me, because I've never had much luck saying no to you. But when Rebecca died, and I saw you when you paid your shiva call, my feelings for you flooded back. I so wanted you then, but it was too soon, and too raw."

"So, what do we do now?" she asked.

I thought for a second and said, "I wasn't sure when you showed up here. I felt the old attraction, and for the first time since Rebecca got sick, I felt desire for a woman, but I was scared."

"Scared of what?" she asked.

"Scared of giving myself to someone again, and getting my heart ripped out again. Scared of what my family and friends would think. Scared of what would happen if it didn't work. I called Sarah, and I called my kids, and each of them said exactly what you and I said to our parents forever ago—you need to live, you need to have fun and Rebecca would have wanted that. And, as a bonus, they already know and love you."

By this point, I was bawling and we both took some time to gather ourselves. Finally, I said, "Dana, if you are in, I'm in. Totally in."

She leaned forward and kissed me, passionately, and then said. "I'm in. I love you."

"I love you, too," I responded, and we kissed some more.

Without saying another word, we went upstairs and made love, skipping dinner, until we fell asleep in each other's arms.

The next morning, we made love again, and, in fact, spent the rest of the week alternating between bed, the kitchen and the lake. We rediscovered each other's bodies, likes and dislikes, and at least for me, it felt natural. We called Sarah, and filled her in, and I called my kids and father, and they were all happy for us. The only thing that was left unresolved at the end of the week was how we were going to deal with the logistics of our long distance relationship. We decided to leave that open, and refuse to let it be an impediment. Luckily, we were both financially secure enough that we could fly to each other.

On Saturday, we both drove to the airport. Dana went home to Washington, and I flew to Ohio. I wanted to discuss my relationship with Dana with Rebecca's mother. She was entitled to hear it from me face to face, because I loved her, and because she was Rebecca's mother. Plus, I would get to see Marie and speak with her. When I got to Rebecca's mother's house, she hugged me, and we held each other for a long time. Rose looked a lot like her daughter, and I choked up a little when I realized that I would never see Rebecca at that age. We sat down in her kitchen and drank coffee.

"So," she started, "what's so important that you had to fly here to talk?"

I paused and said, "I felt that I owed it to you to come here and tell you that I have started seeing someone."

A pained look briefly flashed across her face.

I continued, "You know my friend, Dana?"

She nodded and said, "Of course."

I kept going, "You probably know that we dated, on and off, for years before I met Rebecca, but when I met Rebecca, any romantic feelings I had for Dana disappeared completely, but after, you know, after, our feelings seem to have come back."

She paused and looked at me. "Jack, I'm actually happy for you. And as a psychiatrist, I'm not surprised at all." I looked at her as she continued, "Rebecca told me all about your relationship with Dana, and how she trusted you completely, because she knew that you loved her, not Dana. I was skeptical, because I had seen too many men act like jerks, and I had seen Dana, and knew that she was beautiful and alluring. But Rebecca was right about you. And when she was dying, and in the hospice, she actually said to me, 'When I die, tell Jack to call Dana. I think she can make him happy now that I won't be able to.'"

I stared at her, and she continued, "But I didn't tell you, which was wrong. I couldn't, but I guess my Rebecca knew. I miss my Joseph every day since he passed, but I was already old. You are too young to be alone. You have my blessing, with three conditions."

"Anything," I said. "Anything."

"First, she said, make Dana happy, and be happy. Honor Rebecca's memory by living like she did, with joy. Second, don't forget me. Jack, I love you and if you forget me, it will be like I had two children die. And finally, include me in my grandchildren's and, hopefully great-grandchildren's lives."

"Of course," I exclaimed. "I love you, too, and I intended to do all of those things, anyway."

I kissed her on the cheek, and we changed the subject to Marie, and how extraordinary her grandmother thought she was.

Marie showed up a little later, looking like a slightly taller, broader shouldered, blonder version of her mother, with a sunburned nose. When she saw me, she smiled and came running over to hug me.

"Dad, what are you doing here?" she asked, "is everything O.K.?"

I knew from experience that when you have a parent die young, you think the worst of unexpected appearances by the other parent.

"Yeah," I responded, "I wanted to tell Grandma Rose in person about my beginning to see Aunt Dana."

"And?" she asked.

Rose interrupted, "I told him that your mother wanted him to be happy, and if being with Dana made him happy, then it was fine with me."

Marie hugged me again, and began telling me about her day, her summer, the very cute, sweet boy that she met (I could see Rose roll her eyes a little), and how much she liked teaching swimming at the camp. When she ran out of gas, she went to change, and I asked Rose if I could take the two of them out for dinner. She agreed, and we had a wonderful dinner. I slept in Rose's guest room, and left the next morning.

I called Dana from the airport, and we talked about my visit to Rose and Marie, and ended by telling each other that we loved each other. When I got home, I realized that I could no longer live in that house. Although I had packed up most of Rebecca's things, every item in the house reminded me of her. And while I didn't want to ever forget her, I knew that seeing the house every day would make me miserable. I woke up the next morning with a real plan. I called Dana and laid out my ideas, the most important of which was to move to Washington and move in to her apartment. She was ecstatic about that, and very supportive of the rest of my ideas. But again, I needed to get support of my kids, which they gave me.

I made an appointment with my department head, and asked him whether it was too late for me to retire before the next semester, because I was scheduled to teach, and didn't want to leave him in the lurch. As it turned out, my retiring and Rebecca's death permitted him to hire a couple of new, young hotshots, so I submitted my retirement papers, took emeritus status, so that I could come back and teach again, if I ever wanted to, and would receive my pension. Luckily, I have never needed money; my family was wealthy and I made out well with investments, including my piece of Sarah's company, Lake House Promotions. But every little bit helped, considering my future plans. I sold the house, at a nice profit, got rid of all of the unnecessary crap I had amassed over the years, shipped a bunch of stuff to storage in Virginia, and a few carefully chosen items, and my clothing, to Dana's apartment in a upscale neighborhood in Washington.

Dana's apartment was beautiful and spacious, and she made room for the few items that I needed. My first night sharing the apartment was incredible, and Dana showed me that she was still able to fit into the bustier and corset that she once wore for me when we were 18, even if the laces maybe weren't quite as tightly tied.

After I settled in and learned my way around, I borrowed an office at Lake House, and began to set up and raise money for my new venture, the Rebecca Berman Foundation for the Improvement of Physics Instruction. I donated to the foundation all of the money I inherited from Rebecca, matched that with my personal funds, and obtained contributions from my family, Dana and friends. Sarah and Dana held a fundraising party which was attended by pretty much anybody who was anybody in the capital, and we raised a ton of money. Sarah's older daughter Alex, who had an education degree, became our director, and we adopted a number of inner city schools and used the foundation funds to train and pay for mostly young physics teachers to assist the existing teachers and try to instill a love of physics in the students.

Although I was decades older than most of the other teachers, I assigned myself to a particularly disadvantaged school, and using techniques that I had been honing since I tutored Dana, I worked hard to make physics understandable and fun. Our successes have been few, so far, but are growing as time goes on, and we have improved our techniques. I get up every morning happy to see the beautiful woman in my bed, and excited to go to school.

We decided, for my second Christmas after moving to Washington, to have a big family celebration, and we were amused at the connections. We invited my father, and Dana's mother, Linda, who had dated before Linda remarried, and her second husband. Dana's sister Ariel, who was my first sexual partner, and who I subsequently slept with a number of times, and with whom Dana and I had a hash fueled threesome once, was there, with her husband and children. Sarah, the best sister any younger brother ever had, and who was involved in a particularly crazy group sex session that included Ariel and me, was there, with Steve, and their kids, and their significant others. Rose, my late wife's mother, was there, and my kids, with their significant others. Everyone got along incredibly, and it was a great weekend, which we have tried to repeat every year.

My life with Dana has been incredible. We have an active social life, but also spend time alone. She has enjoyed showing me the city that she has made home, and I have enjoyed spending time in her world. And although we no longer have the flexibility or stamina that we may have had as teenagers, our sex life continues to be active, exciting and loving. I think of Rebecca almost every day, and I miss her and our life together, but I'm also glad that I was given another chance at happiness. So many people don't even get one chance at love, and I was given two.