A Secret Even to Myself Ch. 11

"Yes," she said meekly.

"You know the drill. In the cup," The Probation Officer handed her a cup.

She was glad the rule was to keep the door open, she could hear Tobias re-enter the house and the voices downstairs. But she couldn't make out if he were saying anything about the sleeping pills or her early release date.

Mahin nervously came downstairs and looked around, the Probation Officer and Tobias were sitting on in the deck. She overheard their conversation about sailing - not her.

"Here you go, Sir." Mahin interrupted the conversation. She saw Tobias glare at her before abruptly going inside the house. Mahin assumed that he didn't even want to share the same space with her, right now. She sat down and the Probation Officer started asking her the same series of questions he did every week about her progress. She answered them but her attention was drawn to the house.

Tobias moved about inside, first carrying a rattling tool box and then the sound of her bedroom door once and finally being forced to remain open. He removed the door to her bedroom and then carried down the hall to the unknown room, with the locked door.

A tear slid down her cheek. She liked it when Tobias wasn't angry with her. But now he was even more furious with her and his quiet dismissive behavior was eerie. She felt like she was living on the edge, not sure where she stood.

"If you continue to follow your living rehabilitation stipulation you will be free of me and your DWI will be removed from your record. Your early release is still under review. I will see myself to the door."

Mahin sat dumbfounded. She was sure she would be leaving in cuffs today, but Tobias didn't say anything.

Her steps were light as she entered the house. Just as she came inside, the sky opened with a down pour. Tobias sliced a glare at her and then windows with the same anger.

"Thank you, Tobias," Mahin approached him in the kitchen. He didn't say anything. He was busy chopping vegetables and herbs into a salad bowl. "I'll finish dinner."

"Leave this alone and only make enough serving for two. Malcolm will not be coming over," his voice was cold but at least he was talking to her. He pulled on his goulashes and then ran outside to pull the sail down.

¸.•ˆ¯)¸.•ˆ¯)¸.•ˆ¯)¸.•ˆ¯)¸.•ˆ¯)¸.•ˆ¯) ¸.•ˆ¯)¸.•ˆ¯)¸.•ˆ¯)¸.•ˆ¯)¸.•ˆ¯)¸.•ˆ¯) ¸.•ˆ¯)¸.•ˆ¯)¸.•ˆ¯)¸.•ˆ¯)¸.•ˆ¯)¸.•ˆ¯)

The salad bowl of herbs and vegetables that Tobias chopped earlier was for himself. The meal she prepared was untouched and his plate was set aside. Instead, Tobias sat in silence, he cradled his salad while he ate in-between turning the pages of the book he was reading.

"Are you not going to touch your meal?" Mahin asked.

Tobias didn't answer, he only continued to read.

Mahin lost her appetite and pushed the food around her plate with her fork.

"I've searched your whole room and I"ve taken inventory of all my prescriptions in the house," Tobias said in-between the pages of his classic novel.

"I didn't take any drugs, just a few sleeping pills."

"You stole medication. Why doesn't that click with you? What you did was wrong. What's wrong with you, Mahin?" his voice turned from anger to honest concern, "Didn't you ever learn right from wrong? Are you one of those project kids discovered on a park bench raised by addicts?"

"I know right from wrong!" Mahin yelled back. "I had a good upbringing and that's none of your fucking business."

"So you think you are above the law, above consequence!" Tobias said coldly, yelling wasn't necessary for him to get his point across and he was all the more infuriating.

"No."

"You can use your celebrity to get around the law and you're not responsible for your actions"

"No. I am responsible for my actions."

"You are disgusting!" His voice slithered. "You abuse drugs and you are an alcoholic. You don't care about changing your life you just rather hedonistically live. Despite the pain your actions cause."

"I do. I'm not taking the sleeping pills to get high."

"I don't believe you. You have four weeks left. You screw up one more time. I will make sure you rot in jail."

"I'm sorry I disappointed you. But, I don't have a drug habit. I know I was wrong to drink and drive. I took them because I need them to sleep."

"Bogus. You've sleep fine since you've gotten her."

"Not really, not until I took the pills."

"Mahin. clean up this mess and go to your room. Tomorrow, you will be punished."

"I'm sorry for stealing your medication," Mahin sincerely apologized.

At the time she took them she wouldn't have given a fuck what he thought. She needed the pills and he was an ass but now it wasn't as simple. The whole thing was not easily explainable and she didn't want to explain it, either.

¸.•ˆ¯)¸.•ˆ¯)¸.•ˆ¯)¸.•ˆ¯)¸.•ˆ¯)¸.•ˆ¯) ¸.•ˆ¯)¸.•ˆ¯)¸.•ˆ¯)¸.•ˆ¯)¸.•ˆ¯)¸.•ˆ¯) ¸.•ˆ¯)¸.•ˆ¯)¸.•ˆ¯)¸.•ˆ¯)¸.•ˆ¯)¸.•ˆ¯)

A low rumble in the distance brought him out of deep sleep. The wind billowed his bedroom curtains out and the old wind chimes twinkled violently outside the window. Lightening richotacted in the distance but it felt like its tendrils licked right above the house. The earth felt like it was turning on itself as more thunder filled the air.

Tobias rolled over and fluffed his pillows. He hoped it would storm well and the weather gets the rain out of its system so that tomorrow it could be a nicer day and he could sail. His mind started to drift back to sleep, dreaming of his favorite topic - sailing, the sea in front of him and the horizon behind him.

"HELP!!" A blood-curdling scream startled him awake.

The screams persisted and he thought the worse. It was coming from downstairs, the foot of the staircase, Mahin's room.

He ran down the stairs but her became more frantic. Lightening crackled against the roof but the house seems safe, normal - other than the crying girl in the room.

"No! No!" She cried and her body was curled in a ball on the bed. Pillows and blankets cast around her.

Tobias turned on the light but Mahin continued to scream. "Please, No!"

Her body flayed out and she turned to him but wrapped into a small ball again. Her eyes tightly closed as if to wring all tears from them but her face was wet with sweat.

"Mahin?" He approached her his arms outstretched as if to approach the edge of a ledge.

It often felt like he was coming to dangerous ledges when it came to Mahin. But now, this was strange. The girl trembled violently as if possessed. Her body whipped around the bed nearly toppling off it. She would break her neck if she didn't get control. She continued to bawl her head off into her arms at least muffling the blood-curdling wails.

"Mahin?" he touched her back but she continued to cry, now opening wept. She was oblivious to his touch.

He didn't know what to do. Tobias usually knew how to handle emergency situations but once he uncurled her and saw that she was in a deep sleep. He was baffled as her sleeping face was contorted in fear.

He shook her but she wouldn't wake up, only a death-call scream started again. He slapped her hard. The screaming stopped but her face was filled with a terror he had never seen before. All he wanted was for it to end for her.

Her screams were now replaced with whimpered and muttered whispers of incoherent words. Before he could debate his next move, he scooped up the actress and carried her to his bed.

Once he laid her down, her tears and face smooth into a calm.

He stood there looking at the girl now in his bed and smooth his palm down his face. What to do with the actress? She snuggled deeper into the blankets, finally resting.

Tobias took a deep breath. He had to consider sleeping arrangement options for tonight. he could sleep in the trundle bed down the hallway, but he didn't want to dare open the door.

"Don't go," Mahin whimpered bringing his attention back to his bed.

"Are you awake?"

"Don't go!" she continued to dream.

"Mahin!" Tobias shook her awake again and her eyes popped open. "You had a nightmare."

"I'm sorry I woke you."

"Mahin, I couldn't wake you up." She just stared at him. Je sat down at the edge of the bed. "What were you dreaming about?"

She rolled over. Silent

"Fine, then you can go to your room," Tobias snapped.

"No, please can I stay with you?"

"I want answers."

"I get nightmares."

"No. Shit."

"I'm sorry I woke you," she said again.

"You could have harmed yourself."

"I dream vividly."

"About what?" If there were a way to burrow deeper into a bed, Mahin was attempting an escape. "About what, Mahin?"

"I'm dealing with it."

"Clearly, you are not."

"I can't sleep with the door open."

"Why?"

"I just can't!" She started to yell but stopped herself knowing his reaction.

"Mahin, I am this close to-"

"It's why I took your sleeping pills. I promise I didn't take any other prescription drugs. I took them because I didn't want nightmares."

"Then maybe you should have a doctor prescribe you sleeping pills."

"I can't. It's the only thing I buy off of people."

"Oh, so you are a drug pusher too."

"No. I just..." Her bottom lip trembled and she pulled the sheet to her nose. "I need them to sleep. I am afraid to sleep alone." She dropped the sheet from her face and looked at him with her big ingenue eyes.

"You know what. Go to bed. I've had enough with you today. I'm exhausted."

Tobias just had enough. He thought she was trying to seduce him. He put a pillow in between them and then violently fluffed his side of the bed. Damn right, he was not going sleep uncomfortably tonight on the sofa for this actresses histrionics.

The rain was still pouring, and he lie in bed wide awake just listening to the constant drain down his roof. He was sleeping soundly and would have probably missed the storm had Mahin screams not woken him. He re-punched his pillows and the dark room filled his gaze like he was sleeping but not. His senses were in hypo-drive listening to Mahin's breathing and the sound of the rain on the roof dripping down the gutters.

Thunder rumbled and Mahin jumped.

"Stop. Mahin," Tobias darted his voice exhaustedly.

Thankfully, she didn't respond. He took a deep focused breath and closed his eyes.

"I don't abuse the prescription sleeping pills. I only use them to sleep without dreams. My dreams aren't my imagination. I wish they were," Mahin quietly spoke.

Tobias only blinked in the darkness as he listened.

"I sometimes drink to sleep," She continued. "When I don't have pills. I admit that." Mahin took the barrier pillow and hugged it to herself. Tobias could feel her shift closer to him. "I probably deserve them. The dreams. I don't want people to know."

"To know what?"

"About my dreams. About what happened."

"Why?"

"It was my fault. All my fault." She sniffled. "Matt hasn't called me or sent any word through my agent. He thinks I am too..." Mahin sniffled again. "He hates it when I wake him up. He works more than I do and usually has early morning calls and stunt rehearsals in the evening. My dreams are 'unfair' to him. We fight a lot about them and my..." Mahin blustered a deep breath. "'Clingy, old ways' He wants an open relationship. I don't. I love him. But he does not want to be tied down. He's great. He's a good boyfriend. He's romantic and funny. He listens to me. I've been doing things alone for so long; it's scary to go back."

Mahin held her arms up in the air and let them flop on to the mattress. "I drink and let myself get drunk because I want to stop feeling. I feel so much since that time. I just want to stop feeling it all constantly whirling within me."

"What?" Tobias asked in a choke of surprised by her confession.

"It's all my fault." She said it as if she had said it a million times and it was now a matter of fact. "I don't want to get drunk but I know once I am - a drink away- I don't feel. I don't like feeling guilty for getting drunk, but I do. I blame myself. It's my fault for fighting with Matt, for not trying it his way."

"What's your fault, Mahin?" Tobias pressed.

"I wasn't always going to be an actress. I like literature and history. I wanted to do something with my hands and mind, like research and archeology. When I lived with my aunt it was hard. And theater was the one thing I could do without my mind drifting in between the lines I was reading or writing. It was present and primitive. I felt like it was the only safe place to let it all boil to the top. Acting was my reprieve from doing the unthinkable."

Tobias didn't know what to say. Malcolm had brought in tabloids about Mahin and he listened to his friend gossip about the details but living with an aunt and her feelings about her career. But those statements were carefully crafted by PR about her glamor like and her humble beginnings, but those stories were nothing like what she was explaining right now.

"It was my fault. I left the door open and I fell asleep. I heard their screams. I could see from my open bedroom door his shadow and silhouette down the hall.

"Earlier in the evening, I snuck out to shoot fireworks with my friends by the abandon railway junction. I left the door unlock so I could sneak back and not get in trouble. But the man came in behind me.

"I lost everything and, now I continue to lose what little I gain since then."

"Your boyfriend?" Tobias whispered.

"Yes," she hissed in pain.

Tobias paused and it dawned on him, "Your parents?"

Mahin sniffled but didn't answer.

"You dream of that night?"

"All the time."

¸.•ˆ¯)¸.•ˆ¯)¸.•ˆ¯)¸.•ˆ¯)¸.•ˆ¯)¸.•ˆ¯) ¸.•ˆ¯)¸.•ˆ¯)¸.•ˆ¯)¸.•ˆ¯)¸.•ˆ¯)¸.•ˆ¯) ¸.•ˆ¯)¸.•ˆ¯)¸.•ˆ¯)¸.•ˆ¯)¸.•ˆ¯)¸.•ˆ¯)

They fell asleep for a short time, but Mahin found herself inching back towards him.

Mahin loved the way Tobias smelled. She snuggled closer to the nape of his neck to let her nose wade in his intoxicating scent.

His smell was dangerous, feral. He fell asleep easily like there wasn't a stranger in his bed. Mahin, on the other hand, couldn't get comfortable and felt hot in his bed. She was hot for something she cannot and should not want.

She'd seen him walk around his deck topless so many times, but never this close did she get to see the strong contours of his back, smooth and perfect like his pressed bed sheets laying across his hip.

The simple thin bed sheet was only one of two layers that led to what was sparking her greatest curiosity.

Tobias made a small deep moan like he had a slip of a thought deep in his sleep. He stretched and rolled on to his back. His arm flung over his eyes leaving his cupid bow lips untucked from his dreams and his chest rose with deep intakes and quiet steady exhales.

Mahin dared herself to make the bold move, so she wrapped her arms around his waist. Tobias was awake too his hand held hers within his own. He was petting her skin and playing with her fingers tenderly. They probably fell asleep at most 30 minutes but their closeness couldn't temper the heat rising between them.

Mahin smiled and kissed the back of his neck and this time he complied. He turned to her and their lips had met for the first time on her prompting. Not by a script or by the staring game, just her reclaiming the beautify soul she found the staring game.

His tongue dripped like rubies, rich with possession of her mouth. She crawled on top of him and her fingers curled through his hair as she kissed him more possessively. It became a battle for power in just simple deep kisses. Her hips rocked against his chest, and he was getting hard and she was so far away from a tease.

"I don't know if you are serious or if you are playing an act," Tobias fisted her short tresses and reached for another possessive kiss.

"No act," she confessed.

"Mahin, act or not, you are not interested in changing your life."

"My rehabilitation."

"I'm not talking about your rehabilitation. I am talking about changing your life."

"I stop drinking."

"What about stealing drugs?"

"I don't steal, friends give me theirs"

"Mahin, get it from a doctor. You can afford a doctor.

"They wont let me without doing a sleep test. It's not a sleeping problem and I don't want people to know what I have caused."

Tobias exhaled loudly and shook his head. He knew she was in denial. She didn't want to get help. Hell, he had been there himself, after Angelica.

"I cant go down this road with you."

"Why not? I like you," she nuzzled into him, bitting her bottom lips seductively while moaning slightly into his ear. "I'm here, I'm present. I want to change my life."

"Change it not just with sex. I mean change it for the better. My rules."

"If that's what it takes to be with you. I have to do it anyway."

"Mahin go to bed." Tobias fluffed his pillow and then pushed her further to her side of the bed.

Mahin rolled away and sulked in the dark. She had not been turned down in a long time since becoming a big actress. But she liked Tobias, she could sense that he was starting to get her. she had been finding him amiable lately and she always found him attractive even when he was in full ogre mood.

Tobias laid in the dark feeling even the air slightly move with the presence of Mahin in the room. He's right to push her away. He can't love someone who cannot come to any kind of an awakening.

His mind flirted with the fact that Mahin had come really far but it wasn't far enough. Why would she let her pride get in the way of getting help with the pain of losing her parents?

The cold grey couch was all he could remember of his therapist's office and the stupid crystal jar of candies on the glass coffee table in front of the couch. As if a few sweets would make the past less painful.

He went to that office and tried to reconcile it all for 3 months and was he any further awoken?

A blow hit his gut, he wanted more. More than pain, more than anger and definitely more than trying to save the world from pestilent alcoholics that didn't care about anything. But above all, he wanted to reconcile what he was shunning for weeks

He pulled Mahin into his arms and she hummed. He just held her, his mind reeling wondering if he should proceed or retreat. She laid her head against his chest and feathered her hand down his face. He tilted her chin up, as if to get a better look at her, but it was so dark in the room, they only stared into each other's darkness.

She moved up his body and kissed him. She still wanted him and he felt his groin tightening in want for her.

Tobias spoke into her mouth mid kiss, "If we go down this road we do it my way."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't make love, I fuck."

"Ok."

"I control when I fuck and I won't have you any other way."

"What do you mean?"

"I want your obedience in all forms now in the bedroom, in this moment and ever waking moment."

"Why?"

"It's the way I do things."

"Ok."

"Ok, what?" Tobias pushed.

"Fuck me."

"This is not a scene, Mahin. You go down this road, I want you to be authentic. No more hiding. No lying and your word is unbreakable."

"I'm not lying and I mean what I say."

"Then you have two words. 'Yellow' means you want a brief break, I will give it to you but we resume at my pace. 'Red' means we stop immediately and you go to your room. You may not say anything except Yellow, red and address me a 'sir' and answer only 'yes' and 'no'. Do you understand?"

"Yes."

"Do you want to go down this road?"

"Ok."

"Say 'yes' or 'no' and mean it, Mahin."

"Yes," Mahin answered sincerely

"Yes, Sir," Tobias corrected.

"Yes, Sir."

"Do you trust me?"

"Yes. You gave me another chance."

"I gave you five words. Yellow, red, yes no and Sir. We will try again." Tobias chastised.

"Do you trust me?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Do you trust me with your rehabilitation?"

"Yes, Sir."