A Short Story - The Library

I'm in the library, the only sound is hushed talking and the motorised heating system.

I walk between the rows of books on the metal shelves of this massive public library.

I'm looking for a specific book in relation to my course, it's Finance for Business and I've written the ISBN number on a scrap of paper screwed up in my hand.

As I walk between sections, she catches my eye.

She's tall and fit. I suddenly curse myself for bringing my daughter, who is toddling next to me holding my hand as I push her push chair. I'm eighteen and also ready to drop again. It reinforces an excuse not to talk to her, because I can't chat to her with my daughter in tow.

I'm straight anyway. That's what I think. I spend nights lying in bed trying to work out what I am. My feelings for girls are buried deep down, and I fuck as many boys as I can to convince myself I'm almost normal.

I find myself following her, I stray out of the area that holds my book into hers. I'm in a computing section now and she's behind me looking at books, she ignored me as I walked past. She wears white Adidas trainers and dark cargo pants and an Ellesse tracksuit top.

Her hair is shiny and smells freshly washed as I stand behind her and pretend to check on my daughter, or rather to check her out.

She peruses the books, taking one off the shelves she reads the back.

"Don't drop it again." I say to my daughter. I stand not knowing what to do, as the girl continues ignoring me and my daughter watches on, she swings on my arm and loses her balance. I save her fall and put her in the push chair.

I pick up a book that has no relevance to my course and turn to look at her, her back still to me. I see a large hoop earring glint, her face fresh and smooth. She's older, probably twenty-three.

She puts the book back and steps sideways along as she continues her search. I panic and move a little. I rock the chair.

My nervousness then, is nothing like I am now. If older me transported back in time, I wouldn't hesitate in striking up a conversation with the girl.

I'd first pull myself aside and say, "Don't stress, you're gay. It's all ok, roll with it. Nothing bad happens when you come out, your friends all stick by you, it's fun, there's nothing to worry about. You meet a lovely woman and that little girl in your belly, she's gay. Don't waste the coming years being celibate, embrace your feelings, you are gay, just take the plunge. You sleep with lots of women and you go on dates, and you're not nervous, you're confident with them. Oh, and while I'm talking to you, quit your job. Don't do what they tell you, you can't trust them." But I can't, everyone knows that if you meet yourself in the past, you'll bring about a cataclysm.

I walk further down the row of books, pretending I can't find what I'm looking for. I wish there was a crèche to drop my child off at. I wish my parents would take her for a couple of hours, but they're horrible cunts, they detest me.

I wonder what it'd be like to kiss this girl. Her legs look long, she's lovely. My heart pounds as she walks around the bookcase. I watch her, I see her, I think she can't see me, now.

I bite my lip and I don't know what to do. My unborn baby wakes, kicking me and rolling. I see a limb push at my tummy through my shirt.

It's as if it's urging me to try and ask her out. Or, maybe it's telling me I'm stupid, and squashed in my pit by my disregarded feelings.

I see a book on the shelf, it looks like the one I've been searching for, it's been misfiled. I take it and look at the cover, it's the one. I smile and I'm relieved, it's not been a wasted journey.

I look up and see her, watching me through the books. She smiles, "Hi!" She says, her hazel eyes look me dead in the eyes.

I sweat, feeling stupid, and offer a grin. My baby kicks excitedly, telling me to talk. Should I say something?