A Tale of Flatulus, God in Exile

But was May the person he wanted to be with? It seemed unlikely that out of...he burned a small miracle..1.2 billion available women between the ages of eighteen and one hundred and fourteen, she might be the best fit for him. But she'd liked him enough to start, and maybe that was worth examining. And maybe it should be both their choices. Or either. This was all so new.

The bike arrived at a small office park via the highway. No one had tried to stop Flatulus when he was on the highway. That took the smallest of miracles. With the building in front of him he wished the bike away. He could feel May's presence. It was like a lighthouse, guiding him to the rocks. He wondered at how he might enter the building before deciding to do it his own way. He walked to May's office, on the third floor. He did this by briefly convincing air that it was something slightly more substantial. When he got to her window he exiled it to another reality, then returned it as he passed.

The full rush of winter air grabbed May's attention away from her computer, as well as blowing most of the paper off her desk.

She turned around, and faced with the full and radiant majesty of Flatulus, God of inconveniently timed farts she said the only thing one could say in that situation.

"What. The. Fuck."

Flatulus, whose mind had been furiously calculating and planning and thinking, found himself at the end of his plan. And he realized he'd not quite thought of how to follow up this entrance.

"I can explain." he said. He wasn't sure if he was lying, but he figured best to give it a shot.

"I", he said, and then miracled a bouquet of flowers into his hand, "am a God."

"You're God?" She said, staring at the flowers like it was a loaded gun that had her in its sights..

"A God. One of many. I'm Greek. I am a Greek God. I used to live on Mount Olympus. They kicked me out."

"You're a God who was kicked out of Mount Olympus?" said May.

Flatulus, who was not terribly up to date on human reactions, sighed in relief.

"Yes!" he said.

May brought her hand up and emptied a can of some spray in his face.

Flatulus blinked.

"As I was saying."

"Dollar store pepper spray!" May screamed, and threw it on the ground. Being dollar store pepper spray, the can burst, covering both of them.

May started crying the cry of someone who was not expecting a great deal of pepper spray in their eyes and nose.

"I understand meeting a God is an emotional experience." said Flatulus. "Take as long as you need."

"No you ass! The pepper spray burns my eyes!"

Flatulus blushed, which was a new experience for him. He waved his hand.

May looked up with clear eyes, though her makeup was a mess.

"How did you do that?" she said.

"I'm a God. Miracles are how I get things done."

May carefully picked up her glasses and cleaned them on her blouse. Her movements were slow and deliberate. She put them on, then frowned and took them off.

"My glasses are broken. They make everything blurry." She stopped and thought for a second, then looked around the room.

"My glasses are fine. Nothing is blurry without them."

"I miracled your eyes fixed because of the burning."

"You miracled away my astigmatism?"

"You speak Greek?" he said, excited.

"No." she said. "I hurt my shoulder playing field hockey and it never got better."

He waved his hand.

She lifted up her left arm, then spun it around.

"Jesus Christ."

"Never met him, but I hear he's a good guy."

"You're a God."

"I am a God. I am Flatulus, God of inconveniently timed farts."

"Right."

"Though I am experimenting with expanding my domain. Something like Flautus, God of Inconveniently timed farts and thirsty women on dating apps."

May crossed her arms in the universal sign of someone with something to say and no desire to not say it.

"You were an asshole."

"That's why I'm here."

"You were gone before I blinked."

"Exactly, so--"

"You made me feel like shit."

Flatulus walked to the other side of her desk.

"Can I sit? I feel like this is a sitting conversation."

May nodded.

Flatulus pulled out the chair and sat. He waited until May sat to speak.

"I want to say I'm sorry. I didn't think about your feelings. I'd like to blame it on being a God, but honestly I'm just really self centered. I never really thought about how you felt because I only cared about how I felt. And I've been doing that for thousands of years."

"That is a lot to unpack," said May. "And I'm going to continue to be mad at you while I try to figure this out."

She went back in her chair and rolled up to her desk.

"You're the Fart God." she said.

"I'm a Fart God. There are many of us. I'm not one of the more notable ones." he said.

"So you're modest?"

"No. But I am a realist."

"You're a divine realist."

"I'm not sure these questions are getting us anywhere."

"What the hell am I supposed to ask? Do you come to earth just to fuck mortal women? Shit. Am I pregnant?"

"No! To both questions. I went on a date with you. It went well. Then it didn't. I got kicked out of Olympus. I wanted to feel needed. You needed me."

Falulus smiled.

"You needed me twice."

"Right. So you've apologized. By magicing yourself into my office. What do you want from me?"

"Nothing." said Flatulus. "Well, a second date if you're willing. I would like to make amends."

May picked up her pencil and bit on the eraser. It was partly so that she wouldn't scream, and partly because she had no idea what to say. Was her self esteem so low that she was going to put herself through that again? Was he being sincere? And, overriding all that, a deep and abiding curiosity about the whole God thing. She'd been raised Presbyterian, but had lost interest at an early age. People spent their lives debating the existence of God, and right in front of her was the actual article.

Had he been a normal guy she'd have said no.

"I will go on another date with you. I have conditions."

"Fair."

"No fucking. Answer all my questions. And tell me before you go."

"That seems imminently reasonable. Tomorrow at 6? We will meet at the coffee shop?"

"Right," she said, "Now go back the way you came."

Flatulus waved his hand and the window disappeared. Having seen the havoc he wrought before he stopped the cold and wind from rushing in as he walked out. May stared fixedly at her screen, wondering what, exactly, she was thinking.

_______

There is a fair amount of pressure associated with a second date. Most of the time it is an attempt to figure out if the chemistry from the first date was real. This was not one of those times. May figured that all the attraction and excitement she felt was obviously because he was a God, and she decided to approach this with a more clinical bent. She dressed to suppress, her clothes being as close to shapeless as she could get away with in public. She brought a notebook and a pen, just in case there was some piece of information that was imparted that she wanted to capture.

She'd prepared a list of questions in outline form. It felt more like going to a class in college than anything with romantic intent. In short, she was doing it for the data.

She'd decided it was good that they meet at the same coffee shop, so that she could use that as a control variable. She got there thirty minutes early, so that she could prepare herself, and control the interaction. She got her coffee and found a seat where she could watch the door.

Flatulus arrived fifteen minutes early in a white shirt and jeans. No amount of logic that she might apply made him any less attractive. The clothes were tight without being showy, and the way they fit suggested a great deal about what might be happening underneath. He smiled and it was like a sunrise.

He walked to her table and asked "I will get a coffee now. Then I will come to the table. Is this acceptable?".

"It is," May said, her cheeks strained from holding back a smile.

May caught herself, and then looked around to see how other people reacted as he walked to the counter. Every woman from the age of eighteen to eighty was looking at him. Most weren't even subtle. Even most of the men. He knew how to draw the eye, even if he didn't quite seem aware of the effect he had on people.

The cashier was unreasonably happy to take his order. The barista was unreasonably happy to make it. The expediter was unreasonably happy to hand it to him. It was if the world revolved around him.

Which made sense, because for quite a long time it did.

May scribbled into her notebook as Flatulus came to the table and sat.

"I am so happy you decided to come." said Flatulus. "I am sorry again for how I came to your office. I am learning what is normal and what is not, and that was not normal."

"Well," said May, "It was normal for you once. The world has changed. You seem to be trying to change with it."

"It is not easy. But I try. My friends have been a great help."

"Who are these friends?" asked May, her hands tented around her coffee, far steadier than they had any right to be given her nerves.

"The women that I live with. They were kind to me and took me in when I was cast from Olympus. They have taught me how to dress. They have taught me how to talk. And they have taught me how to use technology. They are very nice women, and I think you would like them."

"So this is some sort of harem thing?" asked May, unable to keep the hurt from her voice.

"No. No, Absolutely not. These are my friends. I do not have sex with them. They are in love with a gosling." said Flatulus, leaning in for emphasis.

"A gosling..Oh. I get it." said May. "I think, should we continue to see each other, that I would very much like to meet them. So how are you going to make a living? Are you just going to miracle up what you need?"

"I could. But I think I would like to help people that are like me."

"People that are Gods?"

"People that have no home to go to. It seems a nobler pursuit than sitting on a mountain plotting palace intrigue."

"So, your plan, with all the power that you have, is to help the homeless?"

"It's not that much power. But it is something I could do to help. There will come a time when the source of my power might dry up. Perhaps women will no longer use dating applications. Perhaps the world will change in ways we do not anticipate."

Flatulus laughed, a bass rich rumble.

"Indeed, it is inevitable. The world I left was centered around herding goats and farming. This world is so different."

May frowned. This was not what she had in mind. This was supposed to be cold, clinical, and above all final. But she felt a smile trying to usurp the frown's real estate.

"So what is it you will do with all your power?" Flatulus asked.

"I don't have any power. And I don't like to be teased." she said.

"You have powers mortals only dreamt of a thousand years ago. All the information in the world, a pulpit from which anyone could be heard, you can cross an ocean in hours. With all of that, what will you do next?"

May wanted to tell him that she was asking the questions. But he seemed so genuinely interested in her answer that the words just spilled out of her.

"I'd like to teach. I've spent years working on spreadsheets and at the end of day it doesn't feel like it helped anyone. But I'd like to be the sort of teacher that I remember being important to me." she said.

"That is noble!" said Flatulus. "But please don't be unkind to yourself for the decisions that brought you here. If you hadn't made them you wouldn't be you."

"Fuck it." said May.

"Pardon?" said Flatulus, the confusion clear on his face.

The war for her face ended, and the smile won.

"Let's get out of here." she said. "I've been looking for reasons not to give this another shot. And I have found a whole ton of them, if I'm honest. You being a God, having been a jerk, and being a few thousand years older than me pretty much top the list. "

May shrugged, and picked up her purse, notebook, and pen.

"But there are a lot of reasons to try again too. I mean, we've only really had one and a half dates, and you are already the most interesting man I've ever met. You are, to be clear, hot as Texas asphalt in July, and you're saying the right things and seeming to mean it. You've got eternity. I've got one life, and I'd like to make it a little more interesting than it has been so far."

She headed towards the door, then turned around.

"You coming?" she asked.

The chair clattered as Flatulus stood up. He apologized, apparently to the wall, and picked it back up.

"Where are we going?" he asked as he caught up to her as she pushed her bike.

"Same place as last time. I'd like to see if it was a fluke."

"A fish?"

"Different fluke. A one time thing that I built up in my head. No one can actually be that good in bed."

"I hope to prove you wrong." said Flatulus.

"Well then walk faster." said May.

Flatulus waved his hand and they were at her door.

May stopped and turned to him.

"You cheated." she said.

"You said you were in a hurry."

"Then why did you miracle us out here?" she asked.

"It would have been rude to enter your home uninvited."

"This is the new considerate you." said May, as she fished for her keys.

He waved his hand and they were in her bedroom. He pushed a slight bit of divinity into her and then said "Now you try it."

She waved her hand, and his clothes were neatly folded on her dresser. She waved her hand again and her clothes joined his. She waved it one last time and he was on top of her like a wave, his lips against hers, his body hot as is pressed into her.

She found her hands in his hair, on his back, wrapped around his ass. She lifted up a knee and felt him press against her. She leaned in, then rocked back, sliding her wet lips along his hard shaft.

The first fuck had been a performance, him showing her everything her body was capable of. But this was a complete and total reversal, with May trying to use him for her pleasure.

She threw him down on the bed, and immediately took his whole length in her mouth. It was a miracle, but it was not magic. She waited at the bottom of the shaft for his grunt of appreciation, then slowly lifted her lips out, raking the bottom of his shaft with her tongue.

She sped up, feeling his hips rise to meet her. She cradled his balls, working them softly and slowly until they tightened. And she felt him spill his divine seed down the back of her throat.

She'd been in control this time. She made him cum. She lifted her head and watched his cock flop onto his thigh.

She waved her hand, and it pointed skyward again.

She straddled him and worked her way down. She put one hand on her clit and the other on her chest. She pushed him all the way inside her, then took a deep breath and just let herself feel full.

She started a gentle roll with her hips, just enough to create friction, but not enough to relieve the pressure. Her fingers ran across his clit with impossible speed. She wanted this, and she did not want to wait.

She looked Flatulus in the eye and said "Cum."

His hips raised, and he emptied himself into her. At the first surge she felt her reaction. It started in her toes, and worked its way to her brain. It was, she thought, the perfect way to balance the scales.

She slid herself off his cock and lay beside him.

"That," he said, "was really quite nice."

Their reverie was disturbed by a sudden flash of light, and the arrival of a small god of bureaucrats.

"I bring good news!" said Bureaucrasis, "In light of your dramatic uptick in belief the greater pantheon has decided to welcome you back to Olympus. You will be restored to your own room, of course, and be fully favored. Your new work as the "God of Thirsty Single Women" Has attracted a great deal of attention from the highest levels. The highest levels!"

Bureaucrasis was crazed in the way that any bureaucrat would be when given actual orders. A lifetime of dotting i's and crossing t's makes a God very eager for some variety.

Flatulus smiled.

"But am I not mightier now that I was before?" he said.

"Well, clearly, yes."

"Then should I not get a better room. Before I looked upon the midden. Now I wish to see the sea."

Bureacrsis enthusiasm dimmed notably.

"I suppose that could be arranged. There would be forms to fill out, of course. Notices to be posted. There will be many hurt feelings. But I don't believe it to be impossible." he said.

"And, of course, I'd no longer be at the back table for feasts."

"I suppose we could find something in a mid table for you. Not too close to the front, of course, but given your greatly enhanced stature we could probably find you a seat appropriate to your stature."

"And of course, should I be reentering Olympus, someone must leave."

"And we have already identified a candidate. Thressa, goddess of amphoras and spilt milk."

"She is old guard!" said Flatulus, impressed.

"Amphoras are not quite as popular as they once were. It was inevitable really. But she had three millennia of residency."

"Ah, well." Flatulus said, "That would be most unfortunate. To be homeless after such a long time."

Bureaucrsis, by his very nature immune to irony, said "The numbers must be kept."

"Well," said Flatulus, winking at May, "I'm afraid I will have to pass on your very kind offer. I'm afraid I could not have that on my conscience."

"Your conscience sir? You're a God, what would you need that for?"

"To guide me to the right decisions. And while I believe a time may come that I would like to see my brothers and sisters again, that time is not now. I believe I shall stay here for a while, and see how it goes."

"Sir, no one has ever turned down an invitation before."

"Then let us consider this a deferral. Please give my best to the family."

"This is most unusual."

"And this is the door. Please leave the way you came."

May stood open mouthed.

"You're staying?" she said.

"Not forever." Flatulus said. "Forever is a very long time. But I would like to stay here, with you, for now. Let us see where this goes."

"I have a couple ideas about where it could go." said May.

"I do so love your ideas."

May reached for the top button on his shirt.

"You're really going to love this one." she said.

And he did.