A Ticket to Ride

"Mom, Daddy doesn't need or want a perfect wife. Selena makes mistakes all the time. She flooded the house about a month ago. She wrecked her car last year. She backed it into the lake accidentally. It was a total loss. All Daddy did was hugged and told her how glad he was that she wasn't hurt. Daddy doesn't need or want a perfect woman for his wife. He just wants a faithful one. He just wants a woman he can trust. And that wasn't what you were."

I got out of the car and Debbie drove away. I felt awful. I realized that everything Debbie had said was true. I had destroyed my own marriage. And now I had destroyed my chance to be a part of the lives of the people I care about.

I realized then or at least I thought that my life had sunk as low as it could get. I was wrong. I spent Sunday in a deep depression. I drank a lot more alcohol than I should have. When Monday morning came I could barely get out of bed. Even worse was the fact that I could barely summon enough energy to pretend to vaguely give a damn.

Brad had been trying all morning to get me to talk about it. I refused to tell him how terrible my weekend had been or the stupid things I'd done.

"Brad at lunch time, let's just check into a motel room and fuck the afternoon away," I said. "I haven't had sex with anything that isn't battery powered since the last time I did it with Danny. You can squeeze the shit out of my tits the way you liked doing it. You can fuck the shit out me. It's not like Danny is going to care anymore. I'm never going to get him back. Hell, you can even fuck my ass if you want. I need to..."

Brad was looking at me strangely. "Karen, you know that Joyce blamed you for what happened between us, right?" he asked. "And even with your life destroyed, she didn't want me to hire you. She made me make a promise to her. If you ever tried to start up with me again...Karen, I don't have a choice. You're fired!"

* * * * * *

Epilogue

My family moved on without me. I sank further into depression and had to go into therapy. It took a while but I finally came to realize that I had to take responsibility for losing my husband and my family. I ended up having to move back in with my mother. I did so partially to take care of her after my dad passed and partially because I couldn't find another job. It's ironic. I once had the perfect life. I'd thrown it all away for a few rolls in the hay. Chances like that only come along once on a lifetime. I dated occasionally and had meaningless sex a few times a year when I could stomach it. I never found another man who cared about me the way Danny had. I guess the modern era is full of people who put themselves first. Most of the guys I dated weren't looking for any kind of a relationship. They just wanted to fuck. I began to realize that I may as well have been a hooker. They took me out and bought me dinner. And in exchange I was supposed to give them sex. The more expensive the dinner, the more they expected.

If the sex was good, I got another date. Sometimes, they never called me back even if they did enjoy themselves. It was just no strings attached fun, except that it wasn't fun for me. I wanted to be loved. Every time I thought about it, I realized that I had given love up for no strings sex with Brad. It was kind of ironic that I ended up getting what I went after.

Danny and Selena lived happily ever after. I was never allowed to spend any time with them again. Selena had been able to convince Danny to let me into their lives that one time, but from the way I'd hurt their daughter, he never forgave me.

It just seemed like every year the two of them grew more in love and I grew more miserable. I believe that Debbie really tried to patch things up, but Danny refused to budge. Debbie sent me pictures after birthdays and holidays or weekends out at the lake house. They all looked so happy. And nearly every picture of Danny had him holding onto Selena or staring into her eyes, the same way he used to do with me.

Things didn't work out for Brad either. It turned out Joyce, like Danny, was too hurt to forgive him. She strung him along for a couple of more years, collecting alimony, having him fix things around the house and generally doing anything she wanted. Like I'd figured their booty call became more frequent, but then they slowed down to nothing. One day she told him that she was engaged to marry another man. She needed someone in her life that she could trust. Once a cheater, always a cheater was her philosophy.

I thought it was particularly cruel of her to give him all of that hope, just to dash his dreams when she'd had her fill of him. She even invited him to her wedding so he could watch her walk down the aisle with another man.

Brad didn't take it well. He sank into a depression, until finally he just stepped off the curb in front of a bus and ended his pain. Brad and I weren't friendly in the period before he passed. Actually we never spoke to each other again after I propositioned him and he fired me.

I'm in my sixties now and I still regret what I threw away. My daughter Debbie occasionally calls me. She keeps me in the loop of the goings and comings of my grand kids and my ex. That's as close to contact as I get these days. Some days as I sit alone in my apartment I think about the old days and wish with all my heart, that I hadn't thrown it all away.

The End