A Time of Purgatory

I did not discuss this with anyone for a few days. I really needed to get my mind straight about what I should do, or even if I should do anything. The further my thoughts took me the angrier I got. My life had been destroyed by the woman I loved without reservation, because she couldn't be bothered to talk about her belief. It is strange how the mind will take the words of one, and twist them giving a malicious meaning that was never intended. Jas had not used the word 'bothered' but that was how my mind translated her explanation. That Jas had a family of cheats was immaterial I had known all about that, not from Jas but from her mother. She should have realised that I was not of their kind. Using that experience to tar me with the same brush with no opportunity to plead a case was hurtful in the extreme. Talking to Jas at this moment, even if I could have contacted her, would be dangerous as I knew that I wouldn't be able to control my anger and would explode at her. So I did nothing. There are times when nothing is the best thing to do. My ire was so directed at Jas that the call she mentioned from someone who told her about the lunch had not registered with me at all.

I had a rare day in the office. With Mike on a two day leave It was down to me to field any calls that Pippa couldn't handle. It also gave me a chance catch up on any paperwork that needed completing. I couldn't understand why Pippa danced around me like a cat on hot bricks, coming into the office I used frequently to bring me coffee, and to see if everything was ok. As it got towards lunch she suggested that we went to the 'Copper Kettle' where they did a good sandwich and salad bar.

"Tim." She started as soon as we had sat and been served. "Have you received a letter from Jas?" I had a forkful of Salad halfway to my mouth. The fork stopped moving.

"So it was you who talked to Jas?" My blood pressure was in the ascendent and I put the fork down before I spilled the salad. "Why did you do that? Why bring it all up again, Pippa? Isn't my life bad enough without her, to have people remind me of what I have lost?" Pippa put her hand on my arm.

"I did not talk to Jas deliberately, Tim. I saw her by chance in Witherspoons, and decided to tell her what I thought of her. I was so angry with her that my language was most un-ladylike. She reacted by telling me that you had cheated on her, which I knew was total rubbish. We exchanged some heated words then gradually the whole story came out. I hope that she explained that in her letter." I nodded slowly.

"Yes. She did."

"She still loves you Tim. I have never seen a woman so distraught once she realised her mistake."

"Mistake? I cannot describe it as just a mistake. Hurtful, spiteful, unkind, cruel, those are words that describe her actions." Pippa didn't seem surprised at my outburst..

"So you don't want to see her again?"

"How can I? Even if I wanted to, she gave me no address nor a phone number to call." Pippa had a look of astonishment.

"Oh the silly bitch!" I had to agree with that. Pippa was lost in thought for a moment then said to me. "Tim. I have Jas's mobile number. I am not going to give it you now, but when you have got through your anger, if you want the number I will give it you." I thought about it and agreed with her.

"You're right, Pippa. I would only go off like a rocket if I saw her now. I do not understand myself. I get so angry that she would do this without asking me if it were true or not. I hate her for that, yet I still love her so much. She wrote about me being able to find someone else to be happy with yet I know that's impossible. I walk down the street, I see someone who could be her and my heart jumps. I wake up in the morning and reach for her and she's no longer there. I want her back, Pippa, but I doubt that I can ever put this behind me."

"Tim, you have a good job and are well thought of by your employers. Your future is bright even without Jas." As well meaning as Pippa was her words could not give me comfort.

Pippa

The next day, Andrew called Pippa into his office.

"I noticed you took lunch with Tim yesterday."

"Yes, I did."

"And?" Andrew raised his eyebrows.

"Jas has written to him. But I think that Tim shouldn't see her at the moment. His anger will spill over."

"I agree Philippa, he should let things cool a little. Anger is a terrible thing it's possible to say and do things in anger that will haunt us forever." Pippa could not think that Andrew Sellors had ever lost his temper. "I think I shall have to exercise my responsibility as Tim's boss, and have a chat with him."

"Mr. Sellors. Tim was very angry with me for talking to Jas in the first place. I would hate for him to think that we are all gossiping about him." Andrew could see her point. He smiled.

"Are you diplomatically telling me not to interfere. Lassie?" Pippa smiled.

"Oh no Sir." Andrew nodded.

"I will have a chat with Tim. No. Not about Jas but about where we as a company are going in the future. I have changes in mind, and Tim will be a part of those changes. But if this comes up in our conversation well..." He left the sentence unfinished. Pippa cleared her throat. Andrew looked up.

"Is there something more?"

"Yes Sir. I asked Jas about the call she had. It was definitely made to her mobile, and she received the call before twelve-thirty. She goes to lunch then." Andrew Sellors absorbed that information.

"Do we know what time Tim took his client to lunch?"

"I looked it up. His daily report said one o' clock." Andrew gave Pippa a smile.

"Seems Lassie, that you are ahead of me here. Looking for a new career as a detective are we?" Pippa smiled back.

"So." Andrew summed up their knowledge. "The call was to her mobile and was made before twelve-thirty, at least half an hour before Tim sat down to lunch with Miss Lane. Very clever to see two people at lunch before they even arrived at the table. Also the call was made to Jas's mobile, a number few people except her friends, family and Tim would possess. But we have it in our records in case of emergency. You see where I am going with this Pippa?" Pippa nodded.

"Yes, Mr. Sellors. It could have been one of Jas's friends, perhaps one of them by coincidence could have seen Tim and Miss Lane, but any call would have been after one o' clock in that case. Also they would probably have no idea who the lady was."

"Aye. The call would have to have been made by someone with prior knowledge, and to my mind that means someone here in our office." He nodded to Pippa telling her that he would think about this. She was under no illusion that Andrew Sellors, despite his demeanour, was seething inside. He would take it personally that someone in his employ could act with such evil intent and he would probe and question until he got to the root of this. Then someone was going to be in deep trouble.

CHAPTER FIVE. A TIME OF PURGATORY

Tim and Jas meet

Over the next few days I was like a dog at a bone, worrying at a decision. There were two voices in my head diametrically opposed as to what I should do. I was very aware that meeting Jas would probably trigger an invective in me that would not be contained, yet at the same time my desire to see her again was pressing. Eventually I took the cowards way absolving myself of the decision. I would enlist Pippa's aid to pass a message to Jas, to see if she wanted to meet.

Pippa was angry with me for ducking the matter, but against her better judgement agreed to phone Jas.

"Tim you should be doing this." I nodded unhappily.

"Yes, I know Pippa. But over the phone I might be bitter and angry with her. Seeing her may calm me down."

Pippa picked up her mobile and called Jas. I could only hear her side of the conversation

"Jas, I have spoken to Tim and he has asked me to pass on a message. If you want to meet, he will come to see you, or you can come to see him, on Friday evening about seven-thirty." She listened as Jas replied.

"I think he does want to see you Jas, other wise he wouldn't have suggested a time and date." More listening.

"If you don't want to see Tim, why go to the bother of writing that letter...Oh you do want to see him."

"Jas. That is not fair. All I am doing is passing on the message. Tim should have phoned you, but he ducked out. I am not going to get involved any more than passing on his request. But I warn you, be prepared for some harsh words." Pippa listened for a moment then put her hand over the microphone.

"Jas says this Friday at your place, seven-thirty is that ok?" I nodded,

"He says yes, Jas."

I waited impatiently that Friday. I was ready for Jas's arrival at seven. I spent the next half hour pacing up and down, arguing with myself and making frequent trips to the window every time I heard a car. At seven-thirty one I was convinced that Jas wasn't coming. The bell rang at seven-thirty three.

I opened the door.

"Hello Jas." She looked frightened.

"Hello Tim." I held the door and stepped back a little, my body language inviting her to step in. She made a move as if she wanted me to take her in my arms. I made no gesture to do that and she walked down the short hall to the Lounge. I offered Tea, Jas nodded and I went to put the kettle to boil. Jas wandered around a little looking at the furniture, curtains and colour schemes. The kitchen was only divided from the lounge by a breakfast bar so conversation was easy.

"Nice flat." She remarked. I looked over the breakfast bar and agreed.

"It's Ok, small as you see but it does me for what I want. Pippa helped with the colours, you know I was never good at that." Jas smiled and relaxed a little.

"Yes. Your colour co-ordination ideas would have left you with a terrible clash." We were fencing around, neither wanting to get to the nub of the matter that brought us here. I came back with the mugs and was going to put them on the coffee table, when Jas grabbed a couple of coasters to put under the mugs. She pointed to a number of rings on the polished wood where I had placed a hot mug without thinking. She shook her head in remonstration. That was Jas, ever alert to the little mistakes of life. She sipped a little of the hot tea then took a deep breath.

"Tim. Let me say how very, very sorry I am. Why I didn't wait to talk to you I just don't know. I won't make excuses, there are none. I was totally unjust and stupid. How I could believe for even a moment that the man I loved absolutely and who loved me would do something like that...I don't know. I was crazy." Jas pulled a tissue from her handbag and wiped her eyes, there seemed to be quite a few tissues in her handbag, as if she came prepared for many tears. I stayed quiet, fighting hard to keep the anger down and speak calmly.

"I don't know why you would act that way either Jas. Had I ever done or said anything that could make you think for even a moment that I would cheat? Had I not been a good husband to the wife I loved more than anything, the woman I worshipped?" I could feel my voice getting louder and more aggressive as I spoke. "The worst thing was just leaving without talking. Jas we always talked, we always resolved the few problems we had by talking. But no, not this time you just took your stuff and ran." I took a breath trying to calm myself. "Do you know what it is like to come home and find that the person your life revolved around has gone, taken all her things with her, except the rings. Oh yes the rings. Just left on the dressing table. The rings that I had given her as a symbol of my love and commitment to her. The rings that symbolised our bond for life. The message was obvious, but there was no note, nothing to tell me what I had done wrong. Couldn't you at least have left me a note? Then I would have known what the problem was, but no, not you, no word just leave. Can you understand what it felt like?" Tears ran down my cheeks, out of control. "Everything, all our plans, hopes, ambitions. All gone. And no reason." Despite my determination not to lose my temper, I had. I tried breathing deeply, endeavouring to regain composure.

Jas was stunned, obviously not thinking that I could have been this emotional. She took my hand.

"I am so sorry, Tim. I didn't mean to hurt you." I pulled my hand away sharply, my anger boiling again.

"Hurt me? You didn't mean to hurt me? What in Hell did you think it would do? If that wasn't hurt I don't think I would like to know what it would be like if you did mean to hurt me. Let me tell you what it was like. I laid on our bed, curled up, crying until I had nothing left to cry with. Yes me! A grown man sobbing like a baby. I was there for a day and a night. But I didn't mark the time. I didn't eat or drink. Neither did I wash, nor change my clothes. I was totally blank. There was nothing in my future to look forward to. Now Jas, that was hurt, but it is so nice to know that you didn't mean it. All because you couldn't be bothered to wait and tell me your suspicions. These last two years have been purgatory for me, I have no aim in life, just going through the motions of working, eating sleeping and getting up to work again. " Jas got up, straightened her skirt and picked up her handbag.

"I'm sorry Tim. I really am, I didn't realise the extent of the hurt and anger I caused. Well not until Pippa explained the facts. There seems no point in this but for what it's worth I really am sorry, gutted that I caused so much unhappiness. I'll go now." I got up as well reaching out to stop her

"Why did you come here, Jas?"

"You asked me to."

"Because you wrote to me. Why?

"I had to after I had talked with Pippa. She explained everything and it was all so reasonable and innocent, but I didn't see that at the time. My mind was in freefall making up a scenario, seeing you, the man I loved naked, laying on top of her naked and about to make love to her. It was totally false but I believed it, and acted on it. You cried, Tim, I did as well. I cried for days, the man I loved was taking another woman, doing things with her that I believed that only we two would do together. It was if someone had stuck a knife in me. My talk with Pippa made everything clear so I wrote to you, and came here. I wanted to apologise and explain, but realise now that apologies and explanations don't do it. They can't take away the pain. I suppose that somewhere in my head I thought that having done that we would fall into each others arms and forgive and forget and the hurt would be gone. That was stupid." She made a move towards the door.

"I'm sorry Jas, but unfortunately the hurt will go on. I loved you so much and I still do. That's where the hurt will be, why the hurt will be. Loving you everyday and hurting everyday. Hurting because I love you, if I didn't then the pain would fade, but it doesn't." Jas shook her head, the tears that crept down her cheeks flicking away like little diamonds.

"I still love you, Tim. I always will, and I will hurt too. But in my case I know that I am the one who stuck the knife in. What do they call it, self harm? No! It's not that, if that were all the one who hurt would be the guilty one, but I harmed both of us and caused pain to the innocent." She reached up and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek. She left with tears streaming down her face. I didn't see her out, just slumped on the settee, the misery of this situation etched deeply. Had I too conjured the fantasy of getting back together? I think I had but the bitterness I felt upon seeing her proved that we could never be together again.

CHAPTER SIX. A TIME OF PURGATORY

A balm to the wounded

I surveyed my office, the one that used to be Mike's. Andrew Sellors had stepped back from day to day control of his business and promoted Mike to General Manager. The vacancy of Sales Manager had fallen to me. I had inherited Mike's office and Pippa. She had been offered the position of P.A. to Mike, but had asked to be forgiven as she wanted to work part time. She could do that as my secretary, but not as P.A. to the General Manager. Of course I was pleased. It had taken me nine years of hard work to get here, yet even as I walked into the office I still had doubts that I should be here. Mike had assured me on more than one occasion, that I deserved the promotion and that he personally was happy that we could continue our good working relationship.

"The alternative Tim. Would be to advertise for someone. Andrew was very much against that. You know how he is. Patriarchal to say the least."

This was very true as I had discovered after that long ago meeting with Jas. Was that nine years ago too? I still remembered it as if it was yesterday. A few days after my diatribe at Jas, Andrew had asked me to come and talk. The conversation was not as I feared about Jas. But a discussion about a new idea.

"Tim. I have been thinking for some time to add to the products we offer. I have been approached by a manufacturer of curtain fabrics who want to distribute in this country. The normal outlets for their fabrics are pretty well tied up, so they need a different approach. The idea is that we through our carpet retailers offer a bespoke service of made to measure curtains. We will set up a workroom and make the curtains to the sizes their customers want. All they have to do is find room for a show stand with the samples. What do you think?" I was astonished that Andrew would ask me. My first question was.

"What does Mike think?"

"Laddie, I know what Mike thinks already. What I want to know is what you think." I gave it some thought.

"I am sure that our customers would be very keen to take on another profit centre, particularly if there is little cost to themselves. But I know from my own experience that measuring for curtains is a different skill than measuring for cloth. There are some I am sure will adapt to the technique easily, but many will have a problem. If mistakes were made, who will pay for the remakes? The other concern is of course the mark-up." Andrew smiled.

"There, ye see, Laddie. Straight to the crux of the matter. That's why I asked you. Now I want you to go away and have a good think about this. See if you can come up with something that will overcome this problem. Take some time, don't worry about making your calls, just see if you can find a solution. Oh and Tim. The mark-up is better than we have on floor covering. I'm pleased you asked. Shows you are thinking of the Company." I nodded.

"Yes, Mr. Sellors. I'll look into the measurement problem."

"Good. Tim! Mike knows I am asking you to do this, so don't worry about your work. At the moment this is more important." I got up to leave. "Oh by the way, Tim. You seem to have recovered well from your divorce. I don't suppose you have heard anything about Jas at all?"

"Funnily enough Mr. Sellors I had a letter from her."

"Did you indeed?"

"Yes. We met. I'm afraid that there was too much anger there for anything constructive to come out of the meeting."

"I'm sorry to hear that Tim. Jas was a lovely girl, but..." The 'but' said it all. "It's a fact of life that trust is a dearly won commodity. It's a shame that Jas couldn't see that you were worthy of her trust."

It was about that time that Janet, one of the account office staff left under a cloud. Andrew said nothing about her going, but Pippa seemed to know something, but never mentioned any detail. It was years later that I discovered that she was the one who had phoned Jas. It would appear that she was something of a fantasist, and believed that I was in Love with her and she with me. As I had probably never had any conversation with her apart from passing the time of day, during the couple of years she was there. It was indeed a remarkable fantasy.

I applied myself to the task Andrew had set. It took me three days and the solution came after I had visited one of the larger department stores. I left with one of their pamphlets, which outlined simply the measuring process. By adapting that to our own requirements I roughed out a simple, easily followed diagram. I suggested that at the bottom of the sheet a caveat be printed absolving the company of responsibility if the measurements submitted were wrong.