A Touch of Lunacy Ch. 09

More than two months passed with no word from Donovan. Joe would shrug whenever Katherine asked about what was going on and had started avoiding her. Daniel treated everything like nothing had ever happened, though Katherine knew he wanted Joe to join in their sessions at the gym. Jennifer had told her that Judy and her mate had gone with Donovan and an elder named Tyler to the summit. The others in the estate had avoided Katherine right after Donovan left, but a few had started talking to her and others were being friendlier. The situation was too confusing for some of the members so they just pretended like she wasn't there. They weren't rude, but they didn't try to incorporate her into their activities.

Katherine had found that in the morning, some of the younger men would play soccer. In the afternoon, the children played on the grounds under the diligent supervision of many. In the evening, unless some of the pack wanted to go for a run under the moon, the doors were bolted shut and metal shudders on the main floor were closed. Jennifer had told her that recently, the elders had decided that all the women and children would be living in the main building of the estate. Katherine felt guilty that she hadn't actually noticed anyone moving into the building but Jennifer brushed it off, saying that they were normally here all the time anyway.

It was near the end of the third month of Donovan's departure, that Jennifer found Katherine curled up in a corner of the main hall watching everyone interact. Jennifer watched her a moment before she nudged Katherine's shoulder. "Well, why don't you join them?"

"I believe the last time I had tried to interact with them, I was apologizing for kicking their butts and being unsocial... and then Judy attacked. I'm happy to sit and watch them."

Jennifer frowned and tried to pull Katherine out of her seat. Katherine wouldn't budge and even growled low in her throat when Jennifer didn't stop tugging on her. "I'm not holed up in my room," Katherine bit out. Katherine sighed and apologized for being rude. "Jennifer, I think you don't get it. Sometimes I think you do, but then I don't think you do. This isn't anything I understand. I'm drowning here in a world I don't know and I just want to wade a little in the shallow end but you keep trying to throw me in the deep end." She paused to look out at the crowd chatting happily with each other. "I'm trying. This is me trying."

Jennifer sighed and pulled a chair closer to Katherine. She sat with her a moment in silence. "Joe received a phone call a little bit ago... from elder Tyler." Katherine stilled, but her eyes glanced out the corner to Jennifer. "Donovan has been determined a non-threat. Judy and her mate have been transferred from our pack to one a few hundred miles north."

"I see," Katherine finally said after a moment. She sat watching the crowd. "Do any of them know," Katherine asked.

Jennifer shook her head. "Honestly, I shouldn't have told you. It's against the rules. Joe and the elders are the only ones that are supposed to know at this stage. The summit wasn't only about what's going on in our pack. It's considered rude that for information to leak like this. However, Joe wanted me to tell you." Katherine frowned. Jennifer understood her confusion and shrugged. "He thinks you want Donovan. Your wolf is starting to really develop and she is going to see Donovan as a good mate."

"What do you mean? My wolf? There's going to be a separate mind telling me what to think and how to act?"

"You growled at me earlier, when I tried to pull yo over to them," Jennifer stated flatly. Katherine frowned, completely unaware of having done anything. She thought she'd told her to stop it.

"I didn't growl," Katherine said. She didn't want to believe she had done. Jennifer looked her in the eye and waited for her to stop lying to herself. Katherine rolled her eyes and stared out to the crowd again.

"You growled because you are your wolf and the wolf is you. However, there will be times if you fight it that you will feel your wolf in your mind trying to direct your thoughts and actions. A lot of the reason members like to run beneath the moon in their wolf form is to stay one with their wolf. Don't think about it and just act. You felt threatened by me trying to make you do something you didn't want to do, so your wolf felt growling would be the best way to tell me to stop it.

"Honestly, if you had told me to stop with words, I would have continued trying to get you to participate with them. I didn't realize just how strongly you felt about it until you growled."

"Simply telling you to stop it wasn't enough," Katherine asked angrily. Jennifer nodded. "Why on earth wouldn't it be enough to simply tell you?"

"Because this is who we are. We use words for things that don't matter, that we can brush off. If we feel strongly, it comes out like a growl or a whine or by actions. Everyone understood very clearly how you felt about not wanting to be here when you tried to escape. When you started to shift after you had been attacked, everyone understood exactly what that meant. Everyone here, except you, either grew up here or in another pack. In a pack with more members not born into this world, it would be easier for you but those in this pack forget. I forget."

"I growled and didn't even realize it," Katherine grumbled. Jennifer shrugged before saying that if she wanted, she could probably try shifting into her wolf form now.

"What? I don't want to," Katherine stated clearly. She was going to hold off as long as she could. She heard Jennifer sigh like she was trying to coax a petulant child into a bath.

"If you put it off, like you are so keen to do, then it's going to happen eventually when you have no control over it. It's going to be like before. It will hurt and you will feel awful. If you do it soon, your wolf won't feel a driving need to be free." Katherine pointedly stared at the crowd. Jennifer sighed and tried another tactic. "If you wait till later, Donovan will be here and your wolf will be pulled to him. You may end up his mate because of your wolf's will before you have any true say in the matter."

"That's ridiculous, "Katherine sputtered. Jennifer shook her head and pulled her out of the chair and upstairs to Katherine's suite. Jennifer started slipping out of her clothes as she spoke.

"I'm going to shift into my wolf. I want you to sit with me. I won't be able to talk to you but I can shake my head yes or no to any questions you have. I'm going tell you the step by step on what happens. Honestly, you just have to get it started and your body does the rest on its own. The real trouble is stopping it if it's already started and you can't be in your wolf form. Since you managed that, this should be easy for you." She saw me start to argue but cut me off. "I'm not saying you have to do it now. You don't even have to do it tomorrow or the day after. But, Katherine, it has to be done soon."

Katherine glowered, arms crossed over her chest as she watched the other woman finish undressing. She felt acute embarrassment but tried to hide it. She didn't relish the idea of being naked before a group of people in order to shift into a wolf. She'd never seen the other people shift when they went to go one a run. She saw them gather in the courtyard and always managed to wander off only to see a pack of wolves run into the trees. She'd never given any thought to their clothing before.

Jennifer took a deep breath and let her arms hang loosely at her sides. She closed her eyes and tilted her face to the ceiling. Her face looked at peace. Everything about her seemed to just be relaxed, like some unknown tension had been lifted. Katherine grimaced as she watched the bones shift beneath Jennifer's skin. As Jennifer's legs shortened, she fell to the floor to stand on all fours with a sigh of complete contentment. As dark grey fur started to grow across her body, Jennifer's face elongated as her features shifted. Katherine felt sick watching the bones move beneath her face, changing it from human to canine. Katherine tore her eyes away from Jennifer's face and watched as a tail finished growing thick fur. Jennifer stretched happily after she was completely in her wolf form and wagged her tail. She grinned at Katherine before sitting down.

"Didn't that hurt," Katherine whispered in question. Jennifer shook her head. She sat on her haunches waiting patiently for Katherine's next question. Katherine just stood staring at the wolf for a long time. It was larger than Katherine had thought it would be, but then she'd never seen a wolf in person. She had no idea if Jenifer was the size of a normal wolf, smaller or larger. She asked Jennifer if the other wolves were about the same size as her and if they were about the size of real wolves, to which Jennifer answered yes to both. They stayed as they were for awhile. Katherine finally asked if Jennifer had been afraid to shift the first time. Jennifer tilted her head to the side a bit as she pondered it than shook her head no but followed it with a nod. Katherine frowned. Jennifer sighed and stood up. She started turning back into a human form. Katherine had to glance away to keep from feeling sick

"I wasn't afraid," Jennifer said when she was back to her original form. She stood there, seemingly unaware of her lack of clothing. "I had grown up seeing everyone around me turning into wolves and happily go running in the woods. They had never seemed happier than when they were about to go run. I couldn't help but envy those around me. I was nervous the first time, though. I worried that I wouldn't be able to do it on my own and that the wolf form would rip itself out of me eventually. I worried that I would be stuck in the wolf form. What I was worried most about, though, was that I wouldn't want to come back to my human shape." She ran a hand through her hair and looked out the window to the woods. "Sometimes, a member decides to give up their human half and live simply as a wolf. I missed Daniel's father. I knew as soon as he was born that it was the right decision for him. I still missed Gregory though." Jennifer sighed and looked at Katherine. She asked if she'd ever told Katherine about Gregory. Katherine shook her head. "He was great. He had some mild allergy to the sun so he was always inside reading. He and I would sit together reading and even though we didn't say anything to each other, it was nice to be near one another. In the evening we would go out. Gregory loved to take me to fine restaurants and would talk about anything and everything. He worked a night job and worked himself ragged between that and studying but he didn't want me to worry about income. I was working on my third year towards a business degree." Jennifer sighed wistfully and looked out the window again.

"I didn't tell Gregory anything. I just packed up my things and left while he was away one night. I just stopped going to my classes and broke off all contact with my friends. It was hard but I didn't want anything that reminded me of him, of what we had. I didn't want him to find out about who I was... what I was."

"You don't know what happened to him," Katherine asked. Jennifer shook her head. Without turning to look at Katherine, she said, "The first time I turned into a wolf, Daniel was five years old. Jack had already grown to love him like he was his own son. I knew Jack would have taken care of him. I thought about running into the woods and leaving everything that was human of me behind. I could feel it in the back of my head that I could just shove all my human worry and emotions back until they disappeared. You can give up your humanity, but the wolf is always there. It feels like the wolf is the more real between the two." She closed her eyes and the look of contentment spread over her face. "The only time I feel free is when I'm a wolf."

Katherine sat uncomfortably on one of the chairs across the room. Jennifer watched her for a moment before she got dressed and joined her in the sitting area, studying her hands for lack of anything else to do. She eventually said, "I did run off for a day. Daniel doesn't remember it. Jack never mentions it. I said that I was just enjoying running around, which was true. Jack told me it didn't matter, as long as I came back I could run for as long as I needed. Jack is great. He never pushed the subject, never brought it up in an argument, just let the incident slide away. I care greatly for Jack, but I still miss Gregory." Jennifer wiped away a tear and breathed past it. She shook herself from her reverie and met Katherine's eyes. "The actual turning into a wolf is nothing to be frightened or worried about. What do you say about shifting?" Katherine shook her head faster than Jennifer had expected. Jennifer sighed and shook her head.

"When are you going to stop being such a child," Jennifer asked quietly, almost to herself. Katherine frowned and asked Jennifer to explain the process of shifting.

"You showed me but tell me what it's like. How do you even get it started and how do you get back," Katherine asked, grumpy. She crossed her arms over her chest and listened to Jennifer explain about calling up the wolf and letting it take shape of you. "To get back to human shape, you just have to remember your shape and sort of just will it." Jennifer frowned and shrugged. "After awhile, it's just second nature. It's a little like asking someone to explain breathing. I mean, you can consciously decide to stop breathing, but mostly it just does it on its own."

Jennifer shrugged and excused herself. She paused at the door and told Katherine that she needed to accept her life as it was. She left before Katherine could protest.

For the next couple of days, Jennifer wouldn't bring up the subject but Katherine could feel the subject hovering just on the sidelines of their conversations. Katherine could feel the weight of it on her mind. She kept thinking about how free Jennifer said it felt. It was almost a week since they had talked about shifting when Katherine slipped out of the building into the courtyard around twilight. She'd stayed cooped up inside so she had never really explored the courtyard. It was wide and narrow. It was paved with spaced flagstones, grass and moss peeking through the cracks. There was a small fountain in a corner and the sound of the water splashing was like music as the sun was sinking below the horizon staining the sky with reds and purples. She stared across the lawn between the building and the woods that surrounded the property.

Katherine suddenly felt uncomfortable in her clothes. She could feel it rubbing against her skin and it felt to tight. She ripped her shirt off and gasped as the cool in rushed against her bare skin. She felt better, able to breathe easier, but it wasn't enough. She felt frantic as she tore at her clothes. She kicked her pants off in frustration and slipped out of her undergarments, sighing as the air caressed her skin. She pulled her hair loose from its ponytail. She breathed deeply and felt herself relax. A part of her worried that someone would see her standing naked in the courtyard but most she felt free standing beneath the sky. She could feel a restlessness building in her. She wasn't right yet. Her skin felt too tight and her body felt alien to her. She frowned in frustration and shook her head. She could feel a thought brush her mind, just a whisper that she should run to the woods as a wolf. She opened her eyes to the sky and breathed deeply as she felt her body to start to change.

There was a sudden panic that screamed that it was all wrong, but it felt too right for her to pay it any heed. She felt her legs changing but it didn't hurt like she expected. She lost her balance and fell down to stand on all four. Katherine looked curiously at her paws. She couldn't remember her hands changing. She looked at the fur on her legs. The fur was a pale grey that was almost white. She stretched with a yawn and loped off to the trees. No one called for her to come back and she wondered if she'd actually managed to slip away completely unnoticed. She stopped at the tree line and looked back to the building. Jennifer stood in the courtyard collecting Katherine's clothes. Jennifer folded everything neatly and looked out at Katherine. She didn't call out to her or wave. She simply left the clothes on a bench and went back inside. No one came out of the house to join her and Katherine understood. Jennifer was giving her an opportunity to leave, an opportunity she might not have again. Katherine walked into the trees slowly thinking about running off.

She felt restless the longer she tried to work through her options. She just let out a huff and and took off in a run. It felt good to feel her muscles working. She dashed across the woods, leaping over rocks and roots. Tension and worries drained away and she ran harder. She came to a clearing and she came to a sudden stop, panting heavily. She looked up to the moon hanging just above the trees. This was freedom.

She skirted around the clearing, not daring to cross such an open space. She froze suddenly at the sound of a twig snapping. Her head whipped to the sound and she saw a wolf with cinnamon colored fur take a deliberate step on a twig, the sound loud in the quiet of the night. Katherine tilted her head and studied the wolf before her. She took a deep breath, taking in the scent of everything. He smelled familiar but she couldn't place him. There was a smell under the wolf musk that she felt she should recognize. She figured it must be someone from the house that had gone running earlier. She took a step sideways, deliberately on a twig.

The cinnamon colored wolf let out a bark and wagged his tail. He wiggled his butt in the air a moment before he pounced at her. Katherine let out a bark and hopped around. She took a pounce at him that he easily avoided. He spun in a circle and wiggled his butt in the air again, his tail wagging furiously. Katherine barked and ran off into the wood. She could hear the wolf following her. She spun and pounced at him. The danced around each other through the woods and Katherine felt joy at this freedom. She was panting heavily and slowed to catch her breath for a moment when the wolf pounced on her and pinned her to the ground on her back. She tried to wriggle out, but the wolf above her growled lightly. She stilled, suddenly afraid. The wolf sniffed and examined her. Katherine felt a burning embarrassment and started to scrabble away. The wolf growled another warning and pinned her again, his mouth on her throat, teeth biting into her skin. Katherine felt fear and stilled beneath the wolf. She didn't know how to fight in this body and a human body would be useless against a wolf, not to mention Katherine didn't know how long she'd be useless as she shifted back.

The wolf, satisfied that she wasn't going to struggle again, resumed his examination of her. He nodded and sat back and looked back to watch her. Katherine rolled over and lay on the ground watch him. He looked relaxed, but his eyes stared intently at her. Slowly, she pushed herself up to sit and watched him carefully. She remembered fur that color and she remembered that smell. The shape had been different the other times she'd seen that fur. Katherine hadn't expected Donovan back yet. Wasn't there supposed to be another wolf with him? She gulped nervously as she slowly rose to stand. She guessed that he knew who she was, maybe that he knew it was her from the start. She thought back to their playing and felt a little embarrassed and very annoyed.

He shouldn't have tried to play with her. He must have known that she didn't realize it was him. He took advantage of the situation, Katherine fumed to herself. She could feel a growl in her throat as she narrowed her eyes at him. He didn't react to it. He stayed relaxed, watching her carefully. She backed away but Donovan shook his head. Katherine stopped and wondered what that was about. She felt annoyed that she couldn't just ask him but she didn't want to leave herself vulnerable by turning human. She started to back away again when Donovan leaped up and pinned her to the ground again. She struggled under him. She was about to give up when he backed off letting her get to her feet.