A Toy for Tango

I tend to treat my sex toys like I treat my men: I ride them hard for awhile and when they begin to bore me I get rid of them and get new ones. I usually get my toys at a local specialty store. However, I am always the only woman there and feel a bit like a piece of raw meat surrounded by hungry dogs...which isn't necessarily a bad thing, mind you. Except these hungry dogs have a distinct air of quiet desperation about them...a total turn off.

So I decided to go about looking for a new toy the same way I do most of my shopping these days - on line. First, I thought about what I was looking for...and what I was not looking for. I was retiring my most recent toy, Mr. Long Dong. Mr. Long Dong was a lavender whopping hunk of jelly: 9 inches long and 2 inches thick.

OK, first...lavender? I wanted a manly primary colored toy and not a girly pastel. Secondly, I wanted something in the 6 inch by 1.5 inch range. Why? Ever hear of desensitization? As much as I liked a good hard fucking by a solid 9 x 2 inches, how many cocks are really that big? Come on, guys...honestly. I didn't want to get to the point where only Mr. Long Dong could make me cum so hard I couldn't see straight.

I was ready. I typed "sex toy" into the search engine and hit ENTER. Yikes! Where to begin? I have ADD and don't do well if I have to choose from among more than 3 - 5 things (this might also have something to do with my Eastern European heritage; my ancestors didn't get to make too many choices in Communist Russia). An overabundance of stimuli gobsmacks me.

I decided to check out a web site with the comforting name of Eve's Garden. Double yikes. There were dildos: jelly, silicone, glass, classic, realistic, vacu-loc. There were vibrators: G-Spot, clitoral, rabbit, mini, traditional. There were even fucking vibrating dildos...dilbrators. Dildos and vibrators and dilbrators OH MY! Plus...these things were expensive! And I couldn't exactly try one out before I bought it - I couldn't be Tango-cocks: "this dildo is too large...this dildo is too small....ah...this dildo is JUST RIGHT!" It was too much for me. I was totally and absolutely overwhelmed.

Luckily, a solution presented itself in a most unexpected way...

Mr. Yummy and I were lying in bed, basking in the glow, as it were, and finishing off a bottle of Champagne. The empty bottle sat in my direct view, and, in my tipsy state, it seemed to be beckoning to me. I turned to Mr. Yummy.

"I like the shape of that bottle," I said in my sultriest Fuckbunny voice.

"It reminds me of you."

Hint hint.

Unfortunately, Yummy can, at times, live up to the blonde-roots stereotype. Hence, sexually, I not only have to occasionally plant the seed in his mind, I have to water the hell out of it before he gets the idea.

"Reminds you of me?" Yummy asked, perplexed.

Duh.

"Yeah," I said. "The neck of the bottle...the girth..."

Ding ding ding. He finally got the message. Picking the bottle up, Yummy tentatively teased my clit, the dregs of the Champagne filling my pussy. After licking it out, Yummy began to slowly insert the bottle into my tight little snatch. In and out...in and out...I became wetter and wetter, and Yummy grew more excited until the entire length of the bottle neck disappeared inside me.

As you may imagine, a whole new world opened up, and a trip to the liquor store took on a whole new meaning. I decided that Yummy's favorite beer, Red Stripe, would no longer do, the bottle having a squat, bulbous shape and virtually no neck at all. "Perhaps something with a longer neck?" I suggested, picking up a 6-pack of Corona.

"No paper label and a nice long neck...."

We spent over an hour in the liquor store, looking at bottle after bottle of booze as we never had before. Into our shopping cart went pony neck beer for foreplay; a beveled -glass Midori bottle which seemed perfect for clit stimulation and Galiano for deep penetration.

"This is great," said Yummy excitedly. "The booze will serve me when I drink it, and it will serve you even better when I'm done!"

No truer words were ever spoken. Yummy was amazed. "Wow," he remarked to me after our first trip to the liquor store. "Not only do I have someone who lets me fuck her with a bottle, I have someone who ASKS me to fuck her with a bottle!"

I think our next excursion may be to the supermarket produce aisle...