A Trip to the Trash Can

I had just gotten out of the shower after spending a couple of hours browsing the internet and was just getting ready for bed, when it dawned on me, I hadn’t taken out the garbage. “CRAP”, I thought, so I threw on a old tee-shirt and grabbed my old sweat pants and slipped them on, I had owned them for more years than I could remember, the elastic around the waist was shot and I had to tuck in my shirt just to keep them up, “well everyone is in bed around here so if they fall down who cares” I thought to myself.

I headed down the stairs, one handing holding my pants up and headed for the carport. “What the hell is in here” I asked myself as I tried dragging the garbage can down the drive way. I would pull it with one hand for a couple of feet then have to stop and start again, finally I decided to use both hands, this worked for a good ten feet, until I could feel my britches starting to slide down, so I stopped and pulled them back up and started again. I finally reached the curb, my pants were dangerously close to falling down, but I was done.

I leaned against the can to keep my pants up as I positioned it on the curb, when suddenly I heard tires screeching and headlights shining in my eyes, I jumped back startled!! My sweatpants fell to my knee’s, I tried pulling them back up as I scrambled towards my house, but I tripped on my sidewalk which had buckled upwards from the tree roots underneath them and I sprawled forward onto my lawn with my pants around my knees and landed on all fours with my big fat behind exposed to the street, the cool breeze reminded me that I wasn’t wearing any thing underneath my pants, I rolled over and tried to pull them up but the pant legs had become all scrunched up underneath me, so I had to stand up. As I did I heard his voice.

"Okay, Lady, have we had to much to drink tonight?"

"No officer I was just trying to take out my garbage and well as you can I just fell down”.

"Isn't it a bit late to be taking out the garbage?”

"Well, yes; but I’m a night owl and I just remembered it a few minutes ago”

"Right, look lady I was watching and you were staggering around, fumbling with the can and now you are standing here half naked, and you’re not drunk huh”

"No. like I said I just forgot and I just grabbed the first thing I could find and as you can see they don’t fit anymore”

"Your husband inside?”

"No I live alone, do you mind if I pull my pants back up?”

"No, keep your hands where I can see them” you couldn’t wait until morning to take out the garbage?”

"There isn't time. I usually get up after the garbage man gets here”, officer this is silly I am pulling my pants up whether you like it or not!”

"Ma’am I said keep your hands where I can see them,

"No, I can’t believe you are making my stand here like this”.

"Under the circumstances, you will just have to wait a bit longer."

"Why?"

"I'm going to handcuff you now”.

"Handcuffs? Am I under arrest?"

"Not yet. And you won’t be if you follow my instructions without questions or attempt to hide anything”

"What, hide what! Why are you doing this?”

"For one thing, standing on the shoulder of a street naked, and being possibly under the effect of alcohol and or drugs."

"I wouldn't be standing here naked if you would let me pull my pants up”.

"Look, lady. We can do this the hard way, or the easy way. Your choice, hands behind your back!.

"Fuck I can’t believe this”

“okay that didn’t hurt did it, now just stay calm while I call for back up”.

“back up, what is wrong with you, I am going to sue you for every penny you have and the city to!.

“look lady, just keep your mouth shut and maybe I won’t arrest you”.

"What do we have here” Sam.

“Just some drunken flasher” Bob.

“Flasher, officer I have explained everything to this moron, but he doesn’t want to listen and he wouldn’t even let me pull my pants up”.

"Sam, is this true."

"Not until I got back up, going according to the book."

"Okay but lets get her pants up now, before we cause a accident”.

“finally”

“Sam feel this, her buttocks are ice cold, it feels like she has been outside running around naked for hours”.

“you’re right, and look at this”.

“What? Let me see your flashlight”. You see that, right up there between her legs, what does that look like to you?.

“What the fuck are you two doing down there”.

“Where? Oh I see it, let me move this hair a bit, it looks like powder of some sort, you know what we have her don’t you?.

“A mule”

“Right”

“Mule, what are you talking about, I can’t believe you are doing this”.

“grab her other arm and lets pull her inside so we can do a more thorough search”.

"Are you cold ma’am”.

"Oh, no." making me stand outside with my pants around my ankles, no I’m not cold”.

"you seem to be shivering."

"You both are scaring the crap out of me!." "Why did you bring me in here?"

"If you really aren’t drunk or hauling drugs for the Colombians, you must know about informants. There lives aren’t worth piss if they are seen talking to the police police.”

"Oh! I see I’m not a suspect, just a new informant."

"Listen ma’am, I’m just doing my job, I don’t think your telling me the truth, and I thought coming into your house might make you feel more comfortable.”

"There isn’t anything to tell, I was outside taking out the garbage."

"Well I think there is more to it than that."

“like what”

“Okay, what is that white powder between your legs and why was your ass so cold, if as you say you were only taking out the garbage?.

“I have know idea about any white powder as for my ass, just fuck off, you know why my ass was cold!.

"I could arrest you for obstruction of justice, if you don’t talk.”

"About what, I was just taking out the garbage!"

"Lets try this again ma’am, now spill the beans on all your cohorts."

"What the fuck are you talking about! Cohorts, I was taking out the trash!"

"Okay miss, I have had enough, up against the wall."

"What!"

"Against the wall and spread your legs, I am going to have to check you for weapons."

"Weapons, where the hell would I hide a weapon, hey what are you doing, stop that you pervert! "

"okay turn around."

“I told you I didn’t have any weapons.”

"We will see, what are those things under your shirt?"

"What, there is nothing under there."

“Ma’am, you can’t hide things from me, it’s obvious you are hiding something under there, I mean it’s so obvious, just look how much your shirt sticks out”.

“ What are you talking about, these, you can’t be serious, there tits, you know women’s breasts?.

“Ma’am I am going to have to ask you to remove your shirt, so I can inspect for weapons.”

“No fucking way.!

“Miss, I am not going to ask you again, you can take it off or I can do it for you.”

‘Fine, here, no weapons.”

“We will see. Drug traffickers are a sneaky lot.”

“I don’t believe this, what are you doing, stop that, quit it!, what are you doing.”

“Okay they are not weapons, but I am not convinced your not hiding something in there, let me have another feel, soft hmm, okay no implants.”

“Implants, shit your disgusting, hey your hands are cold, quit it , those are my nipples.”

Hmm, that’s interesting, they seemed to have changed shape, are they real, they seem to have gotten bigger.”

“What, fake nipples, are you insane, of course they got bigger, I told you your hands are cold.”

“Bob, maybe you should feel these, I think there clean, but you should have a feel.”

“Stop that, I can’t fucking believe this, I am going to have both your badges, ouch, quit twisting them, fuck there not toys.”

“Sam did you notice how hard those little tippy things are.?

“Fuck, they are nipples and your hands are cold, you guy’s can’t be this stupid.”

“I don’t think were the one’s that are stupid, Bob it must be the drugs effecting her mind.”

“Look at her eyes when I pinch her tippy things, see her expression changes, very suspicious, take those handcuffs off and move her hands to the front so we can do a better search.”

“Did you see that, they dropped down when you undid the handcuffs, they even look bigger, don’t you think.”

“Let my squeeze them again to see if I can feel anything new, hmm they seem softer now.”

“That’s it, I am getting mad now, quit staring at me, God what are you doing this for.”

“Your right, Bob, I think are visual search is about complete, you satisfied Bob.”

“Yeah, I’m satisfied, but wait let me feel one more time just to make sure, these, what did you call them nipples, are interesting, I could play with them for hours, hoot, hoot.”

"Ow! Hey!! Stop that!, there not a couple of horns to toot, you sicko.”

"What? I am just doing my job

"You're not doing your job, your just getting some cheap thrills?"

"Oh, come now! Do you think I am enjoying this?, a nice lady like you, all mixed up in drug trafficking and God knows what else”.

“Okay Sam, get those pants off her and put her up one that table so we can do a cavity search”.

“What, no fucking way…stop that…..let me down, don’t just move it, you don’t have to break anything”.

"Okay sweetheart, just lay down and spread you legs, so we can see what we are working with her”.

“Fuck, what do you mean “what your working with?, you can’t do this

“Christ, Sam, have a look at this, see how at the end of that crack, there are at least 2 places to hide drugs”.

“Are you guys serous?, isn’t there supposed to be a female officer present when you do these kinds of searches?.

"Well, yes but Betty Lou is busy and can’t get her for a couple of minutes, and by the look of things all the evidence may be gone by then."

"What, what evidence, are you guys really this stupid”.

“Bob give my that flashlight so I can have a better look in there”.

“What do you see?.

“not much its kind of dark in there, but look at that, see how that funny looking piece of skin or whatever it is, sort of protrudes out, what do you make of that?.

“Oh God, this is ridiculous, its my clitoris, I can’t believe this, are you guy’s gay or something”.

“What have you guys got here?.

“I don’t know Betty Lou, what do you make of that?.

“Thank God, a woman, please can’t you just make them leave and if you have to do a search, can’t you do it.

“Shut up, these are two of are finest dicks, on the force, I am here just to give suggestions”.

“so what is it Betty Lou?.

“give it a little flick Bob and see what happens”.

“okay, like this?.

“yeah”

“Wow did you guys see the reaction from her, when I did this…..

“Yeah keep doing it, lets see if it forces any contraband out of those two hiding places”.

“Do you think we are hurting her, she seems to be in pain!!.

“Miss, are we hurting you?.

“NNNooo, but please stop, oohhh, please”.

“What do you think Betty Lou?.

“She said she isn’t in any pain, so keep going, I think we might be forcing out the drugs, look at the way her hips are moving, and look at all the fluid coming out of her, I think the drugs maybe in liquid form”.

“Aw God, I can’t believe it I’m coming”.

“Did you here that Bob, she said its coming out”.

“Hold her down Sam, grab her head Betty, I think its coming, listen to her scream and the way her body is flopping around it must be something big;.

“I didn’t say anything was coming out, I said I was coming, shit you can’t be this stupid, there is nothing inside me so there is nothing to come out”.

“She’s right nothing came out, hand me the night stick, I am going to see if I can feel anything in that top hole:.

“What!!! No fucking way!!.

“she is right Bob, you know the policy on using nightsticks”.

“just use your finger Bob”

“What!!!”.

“okay, shit its slick in there, that must be how they forced the drugs up there”,

“Feel anything?.

“No, maybe if I put 3 fingers in I will have more luck, man that’s a tight fit, even wiggling them around I can’t feel anything, quit moving around so much miss”.

“hmmm…..stop it, please”.

“your right Betty Lou, I bet it is in liquid form, just look at how sticky my fingers are”.

“We need something else that is longer to probe with”.

“Bob do you think you can get your arm up there?.

“No fucking way, god you guys is a idiot”.

“how about that lower hole, should I feel in there?.

“no way, no fucking way!!!!.

“sounds like you have something to hide miss, well lets try”.

“owwwwww, quit it, ouch, that hurts!!!”.

“no there is no way anything is up there, it to small, has to be in that other hole”.

“Where did Sam go?.

“ I went to the bathroom, but hey look at this”.

“ whoa, look at Sam he has a stiffy, I haven’t seen one of those since me and my little brother played doctor as kids’.

“ Was it as big as this Betty Lou?.

“Sam he was only 9, but this gives me a idea, why don’t you probe the hole with that its longer than Bob’s finger”.

“Yeah that sounds like a good idea”.

“You can’t do this, it’s against the law”.

“I think we can miss, you gave us permission to search, go ahead Sam start probing”.

“Okay, hmm this feels good, uh, uh, I think I am in as deep as I can go, and I don’t feel anything at the end”.

“Try moving it in and out Sam to see if you unlodge anything”.

“How long should I keep doing this, I think I might be hurting her, she seems to be in pain, oh god what is she doing, Betty Lou she is squeezing me, oh gawd,, what’s happening”.

“Sam, what is going on, you look like you are in pain?.

“I’m pulling out, what, what is that…oh crap, what is coming out of me!!!.

“You just came, you fucking idiot’.

“You to Bob, wow look at your stiffy its longer that Sam’s, see if you can feel anything”.

“Shit keep that thing away from me”.

“I think she knows you are going to find something Bobby boy”.

“okay here goes nothing, I can’t fit it in….oh there it goes, but I seem stuck”.

“ouch, ouch, hmmmm yes, yes, slowly, please I think its to big,

“Bob just take your time, force it in slowly, oh there it goes, I think you have hit pay dirt look at her eyes, you see I knew we would find it.

“its so tight in there, okay I think I bumped into something, no, let me try again, hold still miss, I can’t concentrate with all the noise your making, OH god she has got me, she is pulling me in deeper, oh crap its like a vice…what are you doing, some one hold on to her, I think she is going into convulsions, Oh no I think I am doing what Sam did, oh.oh baby”.

“no not yet!!! Oh aarrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhhhh, okay, yeah let her rip copper, crap, you must have been saving that up for awhile, I think its flooding me”.

“Well ma’am I guess we are going to have to let you go, the boys couldn’t find anything, plus they spoiled the evidence anyway”.

“Whatever”.

“Fireman, we had a report on someone stuck in a hole!!! We sent Dirk, he is the best hole prober in the department”.

“Sorry guys, the problem is taken care of”.

“Dirk over here on the table!!!!

*LOL this started out as my funny, pants falling down story on the way to the garbage can… and ended up getting sillier as I wrote…. The first 3 paragraphs are true except the voice the rest came from my perverted mind!!!!