A Twin Desire Ch. 05

WHAT? WHAT DID HE JUST SAY? Did he just say we can't have kids together? My heart broke. My soul shattered. My life crumbled. I was numb. I searched his eyes, his expression, his soul to measure his sincerity. He didn't flinch. He didn't waver. His jaw was set.

"But ... but," I couldn't find words. How could I describe the devastation I was feeling? From the moment I realized the love I had for my wonderful brother, I had no doubts that I would be bearing and raising his children. How could he drop this bomb on me? How could he flatly deny my dream of carrying and raising his sons and daughters?

And what about when he expressed his love for me? Were those just words to placate me? Were those words a ploy to get into my pants; to fuck me? This isn't something one says to the person one loves. Why does he not love me now?

I didn't know what to think. What to feel. What to say. What to do. In under thirty seconds, I went through several stages of emotions. Anger was first. Desperation was in there. Shock. I didn't want to accept that I felt hatred for him, but I did. How dare he lay this on me. How dare he shatter my dreams, my world, my life.

As I tried to find words, I continued searching his eyes, his face, looking for him to waver. His jaw was set. His gaze on me was fixed. He had no doubts. How could he be so uncaring? How could he be so cold, so distant, so unkind? This is NOT the man I fell in love with. This is NOT the man I married. This man is the very embodiment of an asshole. This man cares nothing for me. I was ready to accept that I truly hated him.

As I searched his face for doubts, I saw something in his eyes I had seen a few times before. It became abundantly clear to me that HE was also devastated. His heart was also broken. His soul was also shattered. His life was also in crumbles. He was also numb and fighting to find words. I continued searching his face. My mind raced back over the last three weeks. Every time the topic of kids came up, I saw then what I was seeing now. The pain. The darkness. The hidden truth wanting to be exposed. I now understood what I had been seeing.

I suddenly felt a deeper love and more compassion for him. What kind of courage did it take for him to say what he just said? My own devastation faded and seemed small compared to what he's been struggling with for the last three weeks.

I melted. My crumbled world was rebuilt in an instant. I would be fine. I was now very worried about him and what he's been struggling with for many days.

I wiped his tears and pulled him close. "Oh, Brian, my poor, sweet man," I said. "This is the most devastating thing I've ever heard."

"I'm so sorry," he said weakly as he cried and pulled me tightly against him. I held him tighter.

"Don't be sorry, honey," I said softly as I ran my fingers through his hair. "As hard as that was to hear, I can't imagine how hard it was for you to say. You've been carrying this with you for so long. I don't know how you've fought through this. I now understand why you couldn't tell me before. I'm so sorry you've carried this burden alone."

I held him as he sobbed. I sobbed with him. My priorities shifted as I realized how broken hearted my brother, my husband, my protector was. I felt more love and commitment to him now than ever before. He was protecting me from a harsh reality. He was right. All that we'd experienced up to this point would most likely have been ruined had he brought it up earlier. How could I not love him?

"Brian," I said softly. "I love you. No matter what, I love you. I will always love you. Never doubt my love for you. We WILL get through this. Together. We need to discuss this further but for right now, just let it go and hold me. My love will keep you warm tonight."

Billy Joel's "You're My Home" played in my mind.

When you touch my weary head

And you tell me everything will be all right

You say use my body for your bed

And my love will keep you warm throughout the night

Brian

I had just given Barb the most devastating news I could imagine her hearing. I know she was afraid of what she was going to hear. I was equally afraid that I would lose the woman of my dreams. She would hate me. She wouldn't be able to accept that we couldn't have children together.

No matter what professional career path she would take, her number one priority was raising her children as our mom had. She would leave her career to stay at home to care for and nurture them. She understood the sacrifices. We had the best role model to learn from.

I didn't want to tell her. I wished the issue would go away. I knew it wouldn't. I had to tell her. We have only five days before we must start back to school. This was the best time to tell her the worst news she could ever hear.

Everything went as I imagined. I saw her whole life reduced to rubble as the words escaped my lips. I saw the devastation, shock, disbelief, and even loathing and hatred. Did she see I was feeling all those same feelings? Even hatred. I hated myself for dropping this bomb. She stared at me, trying to find a nick in my armor. I couldn't show any weakness in my stance. She couldn't see any doubt.

Suddenly, she softened, pulled me into her breast, and held me. She spoke with understanding and love. She acknowledged that she knew I was feeling the same and expressed her gratitude for carrying it so long. I held onto her as my emotions boiled over.

Three long weeks of holding this inside found its way out through my tear glands. I started sobbing. First at how I destroyed my sister's life dreams, then at the level of compassion she was able to muster toward me. How could she still love me? How could she still look at me? How could she even stand to be in the same room with me? Most importantly, how could she ever forgive me?

As she held me and comforted me, I felt the stress of the burden lifted from me. I felt free for the first time since Wells, Nevada. And yet, there was still so much to say. I was grateful that she didn't try to continue the discussion. After the emotional release, I was drained. I didn't think I could sleep but my eyes closed, and I was out.

I woke up several times in the night. Most of the time it was because Barb was shifting her position. She held me all night long. I don't think she slept much, if at all. Each time I woke up, she kissed my forehead and caressed me until I fell back to sleep. I know she had many questions, but she gave me the comfort I needed.

I woke up at seven thirty. Barb was lying on her back, sound asleep. Her right arm was under my neck. She was naked, splayed out and spread. The sheets were down around her waist so her entire upper body was exposed. She was beautiful. More than ever. I wiped the wispy strands of hair away from her face and stared at her. Tears formed in my eyes as I gazed down upon the most beautiful woman in the world, inside and out.

I heard noises outside our room and knew mom and dad were up and preparing for the day. I gently and slowly got out of bed and got dressed. I exited the room and wandered downstairs.

"HI, sweetie," mom greeted me cheerfully from the kitchen. I realized I wasn't ready for cheerful yet.

"Mornin, mom," I said in my groggy voice.

"Sleep well, son?" dad called out from the family room.

I looked in his direction. "I guess," I said.

Dad looked at me with a smile which quickly faded. He walked over to me and put a hand on my shoulder. "You told her last night, didn't you," he said quietly so mom couldn't hear.

"How can you tell?" I asked.

"Those are the eyes of a healthy cry," he said.

I reached up to rub my eyes. As soon as I touched them, I knew I must look a mess. Pain shot through my head. I went into the guest bathroom and looked in the mirror. That was not a handsome face. My eyes were red and swollen. My entire face was puffy. Good lord.

I splashed some cold water on my face several times. It felt good but didn't do much for my appearance. When I stumbled out of the bathroom, dad was already standing and coming towards me.

"How'd she take it?" he asked.

"Not good, but better than I expected."

"What's going on?" mom asked.

"Oh, damn, honey," dad said, "You don't know. I'm sorry. We shouldn't be talking about this in front of you. Brian needs to find the time to tell you when it's right."

"Oh," mom said, disappointment on her face.

"Mom, it's okay," I said. "I don't want to get into all the details right now, but I had to tell Barb that we can't have kids together. I've been holding back from telling her but last night, it had to be done."

"Why can't you have kids together?" she asked.

"That's the details I don't want to talk about right now. Barb and I haven't even talked about it yet."

"Oh, okay," mom said with a confused nod, then had a moment of clarity. "Oh, Brian, is this why you were angry with me when I asked about kids last week?"

I nodded. "I'm sorry about that, mom. I hope you can forgive me."

"I forgave you when you apologized the first time, honey," she said. "I can't stay mad at you anyway. You and Chris are way too sweet to stay mad at for more than five minutes."

"That's not how I remember childhood," I snickered.

"I'm glad it worked, then," she said.

"What worked?" I asked.

"Most the time when I was mad at you or Chris, or both, I wasn't mad at all," she said. "I was faking it."

"Oh, now that's just BS, mom," I countered. "You were always huffing away to your room to calm down."

"I was huffing away to my room to laugh," she snickered. "You boys weren't malicious in your trouble. You were boys. You were stupid boys." She shot a few daggers in dad's direction. "You got your stupid from your dad." He smirked at her but knew better than to argue.

"C'mon, mom, you're so full of crap," I cracked.

"You remember when you and Chris were, what?" she looked at dad for confirmation, "eleven, twelve years old?" Dad shrugged, not knowing which of the many 'my boys are stupid' stories she was going to tell. "You both came crying in the kitchen doing the 'My Pee Pee is on Fire Dance'."

Dad suddenly remembered and started laughing. "Yeah, you were thirteen, Chris was eleven," I remembered and started looking for an exit.

"That's right," mom said. "You were playing with cinnamon oil making your own cinnamon toothpicks, right?"

I hung my head in funny embarrassment. I remembered this well. "Yeah, we were," I muttered in shame.

"Which one of you had the hair-brained idea to put some on your little 'pee-pees'?" she asked.

I raised my hand. "That would be me," I snickered. I couldn't look her in the eyes.

"When you first came running in screaming bloody murder, I was naturally concerned for your health and safety. Neither of you wanted to tell me why your little 'pee-pees' were burning. I told you I couldn't help you if I didn't know what was going on." Dad's laughter got louder as mom continued. "You finally told me what you'd done."

"Okay, okay," I pleaded. "I know what happened. Please stop." Dad was almost in hysterics at this point.

Mom wasn't done. "So, what you remember is me flipping my lid, yelling at you, and running up to my room, right?"

"Well, yeah, since that's what you did. Then you wouldn't talk to us for hours," I pointed out.

"Remember that sound-proof room?" she asked. I nodded. "I was in there laughing my ass off."

Dad almost choked. "LANGUAGE!" he yelled through his chortles.

"Shut up, Bill," she shot back. "I'll say ass if I wanna say ass. Hell, it's all over the TV nowadays."

Now I was laughing.

"Point is, I ran to my room many times because I couldn't let you see how amused I was at all your stupid antics. Then when I came out of my room, I had to continue acting mad to keep from busting out laughing again. My lord, you two were idiots."

"She's right, son," dad said between snorts. "We still get a laugh at the 'Burning Pee-Pee Dance', as you can see."

I had to find a defense. "Well, if we were just stupid boys, and all boys are stupid, we were just doing our jobs, right? We were fulfilling the measure of our existence."

"You did it well, son," dad laughed. "Very well. Too well oft times."

Mom gave dad 'the stare'. "You're one to talk, mister." Dad shut up.

I had to laugh at myself. "Yeah, I guess we were good at it. Still are. If that ever changes, shoot me and bury me somewhere."

"Deal," dad said. "Same for me, son. I'm counting on ya."

Getting serious again, mom chimed in. "When you're ready, we're here to talk if you need to."

"Thanks, mom," I said. "I'm sure we'll bring everyone up to speed once we've discussed the details." I looked at dad. "Barb knows what you know. You can tell mom if you want. For now, I need a shower."

"Go get yourself looking presentable, Bri," dad said. "I'll fill your mom in, then I think I have some good news for you when you're ready to talk."

"I could use some good news." I turned and walked up the stairs. I could hear mom and dad sharing another 'stupid boys' story as I walked away. Unfortunately, I knew how many they had. They could keep themselves entertained for hours.

Barbara

When did I fall asleep? I was awake all night thinking about the bomb Brian dropped on me. I had already gotten over all the horrible feelings I felt when he told me. I was thinking about how our future would look. I created several scenarios in my head. In the first few, we were childless and sad. Then the remaining scenarios had children running around, happy, playing, carefree, with a loving mom and dad. I must have drifted off at some point.

I realized my honey wasn't in bed with me. I looked at my clock. Eight twenty-one. I heard a noise in the bathroom and then the shower came on. I peeled the mattress off my back and stumbled into the bathroom. Brian was just getting ready to get in the shower. When he saw me, he reached in and turned the water off. He didn't have to speak. He was feeling horrible and had a hard time looking me in the eyes. I needed to lighten the mood.

"Don't stop on my account," I said. "You're pretty fuckin stinky. I had my nose in your armpit last night. Good lord. How can something even smell that bad? Dead things smell better." I was teasing. My teasing lets him know I still love him. He had some BO but it wasn't THAT bad. I sat down to pee.

"Oh yeah," he shot back. He moved swiftly toward me, raised his arm, and stuffed his pit in my nose.

"DAMN IT, BRIAN!" I yelled. "GET AWAY FROM ME!" I tried pushing him away, but he was too strong. I gave up and sat peeing with his armpit glued to my face. "You know, you not having kids with me is forgivable. If you don't remove this stinky pit from my face, I'm divorcing you!'

He laughed. His pit remained. Fine. I opened my mouth slightly, pulled a few pit hairs into my mouth with my tongue, bit down, and pulled away. He screamed and jumped back. I laughed at him.

"I warned ya," I sneered.

"Not really," he whined, rubbing his pit. "I'll take the divorce next time." He stepped back to the shower. "Wanna join me?" he asked.

"Of course, I do," I answered. "Any chance to be naked with you is worth whatever I have to do. Can you do me a favor though?"

"Your wish is my command, Princess," he answered.

"Princess? Princess 'Armpit in the Nose'?" I snickered. He raised his arm and made a move toward me. "NO! STAY AWAY WITH THAT THING OR YOU'LL BE HAIRLESS!"

"Fine," he said. "What can I do for Mi-Lady?" he asked with a really crappy cockney accent.

"Can you draw a bath instead?"

"Sure," he said. He held his left hand in front of him, palm up. With his right hand, he mimicked holding a pencil and began drawing on his palm. What an ass. I rolled my eyes and shook my head. It was good to have my Brian back.

Brian

A bath sounded so much better and more relaxing. I started the water and pushed the plug into the drain. As the tub began to fill, I stepped in and sat down. Barb soon joined me. I took her hand and helped her in. I sat at the back of the tub and she sat in front of me and laid back into my chest. I reached around and splashed warm water up on her to warm her up. I massaged her shoulders, arms, and, of course, breasts.

She laid her head on my neck and moaned as I moved my hands over her body. "You make me feel so good, husband. How did I ever deserve someone like you?"

"After last night, you deserve a lot more than just the massage. Me? Not so much," I said feeling sorry for myself.

"Don't talk like that, sweetheart," she said. "I told you last night that I love you and will always love you. You're my perfect man and I'm lucky to have you."

I couldn't answer that with anything serious or even something smartass. Besides, it wasn't true. A perfect man wouldn't have done what I did. She was not lucky to have me. I continued massaging her soft skin without response. She again laid back on me and moaned her approval.

"Baby?" she whispered.

"Yes, my love," I answered.

"I need you to trade places with me."

"I'm good, Twinkie," I said. "I like rubbing you like this."

"Me too, honey, but I need you to trade me places, please."

"Well, if you beg, I guess."

She sat forward and gave me room to move around her. She sat back. I started to move to lay my back against her. She stopped me.

"No, not like that," she said. "Face me."

I was confused but moved to where she guided me. She had me sit with my legs crossed in front of me. She grabbed the cup we use to scoop water for rinsing when we take a bath, filled it, and dumped it over my head a few times. She then grabbed the shampoo and started slowly lathering my hair.

She was so gentle and tender as she ran her fingernails through my scalp. I couldn't remember anyone washing my hair but me. I could now understand why she loves me washing her hair so much. It's much more intimate than I would have thought.

She was in no hurry. She took her time and used her fingernails all over my head. I had goosebumps over my entire body when she finally filled the cup and rinsed me.

When she was satisfied with my head, she pushed me back so I was leaning against the other side of the tub. She reached into the soap holder and started lathering up her hands. She took my semi-hard cock in her hands and began washing my member. Being my cock was under water, the soap didn't last too long. I guess washing it wasn't her objective. She continued rubbing my cock and balls until I was hard as a rock.

She gently took my hands in hers and pulled me upright. "Make love to me," she whispered as she pulled my cock to her open legs.

It was a bit of an interesting maneuver getting myself into position. She was patient and never let go of my cock as she guided it into her pussy. Once I was inside, she shifted a little to get the best angle of penetration and make it a bit more comfortable for me. Once in place, she put her arms around me and held me as I slowly, gently moved in and out of her.

She purred softly as the water sloshed around us. I couldn't reach her lips to kiss her, but she held my head in one arm and kissed my forehead. Her other arm was wrapped around my shoulder as she lightly pressed her fingernails into my skin and tickled me just the way I like it. I kissed her neck and shoulders.

"Brian, my love," she whispered softly.

I looked up at her. Tears were filling her eyes. "Yes, my love."

"I need you to know that I forgive you," she said, a tear broke loose and fell down her cheek. I couldn't wipe it away in the position I was in. "I need you to stop feeling bad for what you had to tell me. I can't stand to see you in pain."

"I never wanted to hurt you, sissy," I said, tears forming in my eyes.