A Very Unhappy Birthday to Me

He opened his present, his fortieth birthday present, knowing that she would have got him something good. After all, this was a special birthday -- the big four oh. Well, the day after his big four oh. He had spent the previous day trying to drive a hundred miles or so through snow to get home for his birthday, but had ultimately failed, only getting in mid-morning the following day.

He opened the slim, gift-wrapped package to see a small white envelope. Inside it was a book token for ten dollars. He smiled, a little puzzled, and turned it over to see if there was something on the back -- something different.

He wondered whether this token would lead him to something special at the store she had bought it at -- a signed first edition or something that was being kept for him to claim.

"Thank you," he said at last. "Should I go to any specific store?"

She looked confused. "Well, you have to go to one in that chain, but any one should do it."

"Oh..." he didn't know what to say to that. He looked at her expectantly, but there was nothing forthcoming.

"Thank you," he said finally. He shook his head. His fortieth birthday and this was it? Was she pissed off at him for something?

"Honey, you do know how hard I tried to get home for the party last night?"

She smiled and took his hand. That smile that lit up her face and made him fall in love with her all over again -- just as it always did, even after thirteen years of marriage.

"Of course, I know. That storm that blew up really wrecked our plans, but I know you tried. I was worried about you stuck in the snow. Really worried!"

"I had the space blankets in the boot, so I wasn't really concerned about the temperature." He always kept four in his boot for emergencies. They'd never been used until the previous night.

"Even so, it must have been quite scary. At least you managed to call us."

"I almost wished I hadn't. It sounded like such a good party. I was so sorry to miss it."

She patted his hands and leaned forward to kiss him warmly. "And I missed you."

He looked around. There was no sign of the party, apart from an overflowing recycling bin full of empty booze bottles.

"Well, at least I got out of cleaning up the aftermath," he laughed.

"Luckily a couple of people stayed to help clear up," she smiled.

"The kids didn't do it this morning?"

"No, they left last night to stay with friends when you said you wouldn't make it. They'll be back this afternoon to give you their presents."

He was disappointed. "Ah well," he sighed.

"That gives us chance to spend some time together," Jane said seductively, drawing him to his feet, and pulling him towards the stairs.

'Aha' he thought. At least I get to tap that beautiful ass for my birthday. 'Gotta love tradition'.

Joyfully, he followed her, her slim figure dressed conservatively as always, but her hips swaying seductively from side-to-side. As they climbed the stairs, he cupped her butt with both hands.

"I can't wait," he whispered. She giggled quietly.

In the bedroom, she stripped off quickly, his eyes never leaving her as she swiftly and efficiently stripped and lay down on the bed, after pulling the covers back and folding them over at the foot of the bed. It was part of her, he knew; the efficiency and ease with which she did everything so neatly. Some compulsion from her childhood, he guessed, never having got to the bottom of her need to do everything so smoothly and competently.

But now all he wanted was to get to the bottom of her. He toed off his shoes, tore off his shirt and trousers, tossing them into the laundry basket, and used his feet to drag his socks off. She frowned pointedly at him and then the socks, and he picked them and tossed them to join the rest of his clothes.

She smiled again, and he joined her on the bed, kissing her lips then drawing his own down under her chin, nibbling his way down and then across her neck, just as she loved.

"Mmm, honey. That feels good," she purred.

He continued downwards, spending time licking around her nipples before drawing them in between his lips and giving them little nips with his lip-covered teeth. She purred louder.

His tongue dabbled into her belly button, making her giggle and then traced down to her hip. He gave the pale skin little licks and nibbles as he drew in towards her shaved centre, opening his mouth over the tendon at the meeting of thigh and groin and biting it gently. She groaned with pleasure, the groan becoming a moan as he did the same to the other side.

He slipped his hands under her butt, cupping each of those glorious cheeks in his palms as she drew her knees up alongside his head. He dipped in again, closer but still not quite touching her vulva.

He could see how wet she was, and wondered how much lube she would need for him to enter her butt if he used as much of her lubricant as he could beforehand. In anticipation, he slipped a finger between her cheeks and started to work it inside her rear entrance, knowing he would need to stretch her out a little for her to avoid any pain when the big event finally happened.

She grabbed his hair and yanked his face up. Her face was furious.

"What the hell are you doing? You know that only happens on your birthday!"

His mouth opened and closed. "It is my birthday."

"That was yesterday."

"But I wasn't here yesterday."

"Then you missed your chance. You'll just have to wait until your next birthday," she stated. Her legs closed firmly.

"What? That's not fair!" he said, getting up onto his knees to stare at her, wondering if she was joking.

"I do that for you on your birthday only. You know that. I can't change the rules just because of a snow storm."

"What are you talking about? You made the rule, I didn't! So you can change it whenever you want!" he pointed out loudly, crushing disappointment sweeping through him. Although he loved having sex with his beautiful Anne, she had made a rule that once a year he could have anal sex with her -- on his birthday. It wasn't even that he loved it that much; it was just a sign of their love, her love for him. It was an affirmation and he loved that part of it most of all. And now she was letting some stupid snow storm get in the way.

"We can't just go changing rules every time the weather changes!" she stated earnestly. "The world would turn to chaos!"

"Anne, do you actually love me?" he asked, feeling disappointment morph into annoyance.

"Of course I do, darling. Now, why not come back here and let me show you."

"Okay." He drew the word out so long it became a parody of itself.

"Just no playing with my butt," she finished, ignoring his sarcasm.

Silently, he lay forward again, positioned his erection and slipped inside her with no more foreplay. He didn't feel like rewarding her anymore.

He must have wilted from disappointment, he realised. There wasn't the tightness on his cock that he normally felt. He started driving forward, knowing he would swell up again as they made love.

Despite the lack of the friction he was used to, he came at the same time that she did, taking out some of his annoyance by slamming his hips into her until they finished.

"Ouchies," she said as he lifted off and lay next to her, and a bright flash of guilt ran through him. He loved her completely and had worked off his disappointment by hurting her.

"There now," she said comfortingly and patted his chest. "All better now."

He felt the annoyance return.

"Not really," he muttered. "Worst fucking birthday ever."

"I understand. If you'd managed to get home..."

He cut her off. "That's not it. I was expecting ... oh, I don't know what I was expecting. But whatever it was, it was a little more than a shitty book token and a mercy fuck."

She stared at him. "You thought that was your main present?"

"It wasn't?"

"No -- your main present was last night."

He looked around, half expecting to see something hidden under something else. But there was nothing out of place in the bedroom.

"Is it in the garage?" he asked.

"No, I mean it was here last night."

"What? Did you eat it? Did it break? Did it go rotten during the night?" His confusion was complete.

"No, silly. Last night I gave you your fantasy."

After a long pause, he said, "No. Sorry, I still don't get it. I wasn't here last night."

She shifted on to her elbow. "I had it all prepared. Everything was in place. So when you couldn't make it, I gave it to you anyway. Happy birthday darling."

She smiled delightedly.

He stared at her. She seemed to be waiting for praise.

"What the hell are you talking about? You aren't making any sense!"

She sighed impatiently.

"Your fantasy. It happened last night."

"What fantasy? I was alone in my car. How did I get any fantasy alone in my car? What fantasy?"

"Your fantasy of having me in a threesome."

He found himself standing next to the bed, with no knowledge of getting there.

"You had a threesome?"

She nodded proudly. "Yes. I did it for you. Your fantasy came true."

"What did you do, Anne? Just what the fuck did you do?"

She sat up, her small breasts joggling pleasantly. He didn't look.

"Language darling, please! I made your fantasy come true."

He was trembling. His gut was churning and his blood was pumping so hard he could feel the pulse in his fingertips.

"You had a threesome. Without me. So who did you have this wonderful fantasy with?"

"Well," she settled herself comfortably as if for a long gossip with her friends. "I asked Richard and Charles to stay behind and help clear up, and then... Are you crying? Why are you crying?"

He couldn't speak. Tears had suddenly appeared, cold against his top lip, while snot was threatening to pour out and spread all over his chin. He pinched his nose at the bridge - hard.

"You fucked Charles and Richard? Two people I work with. Here. In my bed?"

"Language, please! Of course in the bed. You know I don't hold with having intercourse all over the house. It's unsanitary. So, I brought them up to the room and then Richard fell over from trying to get his trousers off while walking, which was very funny, although I didn't laugh out loud. And then..."

"Anne. Shut your mouth! Shut your great big fucking gob right now, or I swear I'll shut it for you." He realised his fist was raised over her, and managed to slowly force it back down to his side. He turned and walked to the door, then swung round again.

"This was my fantasy?" he shouted. "You bringing two strangers into our bed and fucking them? Just where did you get that rabid, slut-stupid idea from?"

"Don't you raise your fist to me, and don't raise your voice either," she said loudly. "I go out of my way to make your fantasy come true and you foul-mouth me in return after all the hard work I put into it!"

He approached the foot of the bed. "Have you gone crazy? Do you know what you've done? You've taken everything we had and smashed it to pieces."

"You're not making any sense," she averred, waving to the bed. "Why don't you lie down? Obviously, the night in the car has upset you worse than you thought. You might be coming down with something."

"You've gone mad, completely insane," he whispered. "You don't even realise what you did wrong. You have to be off your fucking rocker!"

His voice had risen to a roar by the end. He couldn't stand to look at her. He wheeled and stalked from the room, heading downstairs. Naked, he poured himself a full tumbler of whisky and stalked about the lounge, kitchen and dining room. Trying to distract himself from the thoughts that were pouring through his mind and threatening to raise ulcers on every inch of his stomach, he checked on his phone.

There were lots of happy birthday emojis, although he'd seen most of those while stuck in his car. Then he found a longer one from George:

***I don't know how to tell you this gently. When we left the party, Charles and Richard were the only ones still there. I saw Richard taking his trousers off. I don't know what happened after that as Claire was crazy shocked and insisted we leave immediately. I'm sorry man. If it was me I'd want to know. So sorry.***

He heard the shower running. She always showered after sex. The shower must have run long this morning. He suddenly had the thought that perhaps his cock hadn't been smaller than usual; perhaps she was all stretched out. And maybe she wouldn't let him touch her ass because...

Thought after thought tortured him. Finally he couldn't bear it and went back upstairs.

He dressed quickly, hoping to avoid her completely, but the shower shut off and she came back into the room as he was slipping his shoes on.

"Are you going somewhere?" she asked. "If you do, will you stop and pick up some milk and ..."

"I'm going for a drive," he stated between clenched teeth. "And when I get back, I want you to be out of this house. Just pack up and go."

"What are you talking about? That's nonsense. I'm not going to do anything of the sort."

"Okay, fine." He fished a suitcase out of the hall cupboard, then started hauling his clothes out of the bedroom closet and throwing them into it.

"What on earth is the matter with you?" she asked, eyes wide in astonishment. "You just got back."

"I'm leaving you!" he snarled. "What else did you expect me to do after you fucked two guys behind my back and wrecked our marriage completely? Perhaps you expected a 'thank you, dear?'"

"Honestly, yes I did. I worked hard at your fantasy..."

"You keep saying that. Tell me precisely what fantasy of mine you fulfilled by fucking some strange."

"Your threesome fantasy. You've spoken of it in the past."

"My threesome fantasy. You mean the fantasy of you, me and another woman? That fantasy? Which I think we spoke of perhaps once or twice many years ago, before we actually got married? Is that my fantasy that you fulfilled?"

"Well... yes."

"Jesus Christ!" he hissed. "How in the hell is you, me and another woman together the same as you and two guys behind my back? Are you not seeing any dichotomy here?"

"It was a threesome," she offered tentatively.

"Well how nice for you. You get to fuck who you want to and then tell me it was all my fault - that it was my fantasy. No it wasn't! It was a slut sneaking around behind my back and cheating on me!"

"No it wasn't! I am not a slut!" she shouted, then lowered her voice and spoke in a tone of calm reason. "I wouldn't do that. I arranged it all for you. If you'd been here it wouldn't have been behind your back. It wouldn't have been anything except your birthday present. I had it all arranged so nicely. The party and then your fantasy -- it was all arranged. It wasn't my fault you didn't turn up and we had to do it without you!"

"I didn't turn up because your fuckweasel of a brother -- remember, the one you guilted me into giving a job -- wouldn't stop causing shit with the women at head office, and I had to drive there and prevent a fucking strike. And if I had been here, you wouldn't have had to do it, it never would have happened at all, because I would have tossed the three of you out onto the street long before it happened. And another thing, how did you think I was going to fit in with you and two other men? Does insanity run in your family?"

"How dare you?" she stormed. "It was your fantasy!"

"Stop saying that, you stupid, inane creature. It was never my fantasy, ever. My fantasy was that we would grow old together in a loving, faithful relationship. Too bad that was just a fantasy.

"Besides, a fantasy is just that -- a fantasy. It's something to think about and then put aside. Shit, if I fulfilled all my fantasies, what would I dream of? I once or twice had a fantasy of us with another woman -- all consensual and that stupid stuff. But it was just a fantasy. I never tried to make it reality.

"But now my only fantasy is that this is all a dream, and yesterday never happened."

He looked around the room, eyebrows raised.

"And oh look, that one didn't happen either."

He crammed the last errant shirt-sleeve under the lid of the suitcase and snapped it shut.

"You need to be out of this house between five and six tonight so I can talk to the kids and fetch the rest of my things.

"No, that's just silly," she said. There was no lack of confidence that he wouldn't come around to her point of view. "Let's just talk it through and get things back to normal. It will be fine once you get your temper under control. Look, I thought with you not being there I would just tell you all the details and you could enjoy that and it would be fine. We can do it again another time. Your next birthday."

"Anne, you really do need to get some professional help, if you think that I want to hear anything at all about your nasty little slut-fuck session. Secondly, we will never do anything together ever again -- not sleep together, not play with the children together, not eat together or even go shopping together, and certainly not cheat and fuck other people together. I want nothing more to do with you. I want to spend my next birthday celebrating a whole year away from you. How can you not understand that?"

"But our marriage is..." She was starting to get worried now. Usually, all she had to do is reason with her husband and he came over to her point of view. He was being particularly obstinate over a silly little birthday present.

"Our marriage is over. It officially ended last night when the first guy to fuck you sallied forth into your cunt with his dick, and left me to have sloppy seconds this morning in your stretched out hole. It's over! Kaput! Fini! Now excuse me, I have to find the nearest STD clinic in case you've given me anything nasty as my final birthday present."

"Wait, please let's talk. Please!" she cried. This was getting way out of hand. Shit, she thought -- the word uncharacteristic for her even in her thoughts -- she had never considered she might contract some or other disease. This was all going so very wrong! "This isn't what I wanted."

"You know, I've read about cheaters and if it's a slut that's cheating on her husband, the thing that the man usually wants to know is if she had an orgasm, and if so how many, or if his dick is smaller than the studs she banged, or if they fucked her ass. But the one thing they all really do want to know is why. Well, I don't! I have the feeling that finding out why from you would take me down a rabbit hole into utter madness."

"I am not mad!" she stated. "I may have been wrong, but I thought I was doing it for you."

"You may have been wrong?" he whispered in disbelief. "You may have? Look, I'll tell you what. I'll give you an early birthday present. Your fortieth is only a month away. So you go to your mother's for the evening and I'll get two hookers in and I'll celebrate your early birthday by fucking them right here on this bed."

"Don't be ridiculous," she sneered. "That's nothing like my fantasy."

"I know. You had your fantasy last night -- only that was two guys and a whore, while mine will be two whores and a guy." He couldn't understand why she just wouldn't see it. Was she actually insane -- clinically psychotic? Could she genuinely not see what was going on?

"How dare you even think of bringing whores to our bed?"

"There was a whore in our bed all night last night. Why get squeamish now? How is it different to what you did?"

"I'm not going to speak to you anymore." How dared he call her a whore, she thought. Although... how would it be different?

"You still don't understand. You're not going to be able to speak to me anymore. I won't be here," he finished quietly.