A View from the Bottom

"Oh."

"But then, you're not going to be my patient forever, are you?"

"How long do you think it will be?"

"Not long, not long at all."

"I'll see you Tuesday then."

"Don't get upset, look, I'll call you tomorrow to see how things are going with the ex, and if I sound a little uneasy, let me tell you that I am, and maybe just a little jealous."

"You've no need to be, good night."

Things were looking up for me, I have this amazing Psychologist who, it is quite possible, can walk on water, and may even be able to fix my old clunker so that I don't have to replace if just yet. She has certainly worked wonders for me by thinking outside the psychological square to get to the root cause of my problems and come up with a solution that seems to be working. On top of all that, if I'm not mis-interpreting the way things are going, has just suggested that I could be in with a chance with her. With this thought bringing a smile to my face, I drifted off to sleep.

I was having a marvellous dream in which Stephanie and I were in bed together and she was reaching for my cock. That was until I realised that it couldn't be her and that it was Heather that was reaching for him. I took her hand and moved it away from me. "Don't."

"Please."

"No."

"Adrian, darling, please, I need you."

"No." This was followed by tears. "Crying won't work, I'm sorry but it just won't happen."

"It was her wasn't it?"

"Her who?"

"Her, your Psychologist her, Doctor Browning, you were talking to her weren't you, a little while ago I heard your phone ring and you were talking to someone. It was her, wasn't it?"

"If you must know, yes it was. The last time I spoke with her she said that you might turn up begging for forgiveness because you'd realised that James wasn't the man you thought he was. She was checking to see if she was right, that's all."

"I can see it now, the two of you laughing at my expense, poor predictable me, running back to good old reliable Adrian and begging him to take me back, hoping that he will allow the damage that I'd caused to be repaired, so that we could get our marriage back on track. I'll get out of your hair." She went to get out of bed.

"No, stay if you must, I can't have you out on the streets with nowhere to go. You could always go back home."

"No, I don't think that I could handle being in that house all alone." She stopped and I sensed her looking at me. "Oh god, how you must have hated me for leaving you alone in this house that had been our home, in this bed alone with your thoughts. I can understand why you became depressed and I can now understand your reluctance to have anything more to do with me. Adrian, I know that I still love you, but I can understand your feelings toward me, so in the morning I'll get out of your hair for good."

"We can still be friends, I can't see you go through what I've been through, you can come and cry on my shoulder when things get too tough for you, but we cannot live together and I won't allow you to prostitute yourself to get back with me. Who knows, James might just snap out of this and become a better person because of it."

"Huh, that's not likely, I know him pretty well now and one thing that's certain is that he will blame everyone else for this, it will never be his fault. Most of all he'll blame you, I want you to promise me that you will be very careful"

"I promise, now can we get to sleep."

I woke to find her gone. My first thoughts were that she'd gone home until I heard her in the kitchen rattling around with pots and pans. I got out of bed and walked (not staggered as usual) into the kitchen to find breakfast well under way.

"I was going to bring it in to you and surprise you but, seeing as you're up, how about making coffee?"

"Sure thing. Where did all of this come from?" I asked pointing to what was cooking.

"Well you didn't have any proper breakfast things so I had to improvise"

"Breakfast is usually coffee for me."

"Today will be different, today you are having pancakes to go with your coffee."

"Yummo, I can't wait."

"Don't be so sarcastic, I can cook, or had you forgotten that?"

"I hadn't forgotten, sorry."

"After breakfast I've decided that I'll have to find somewhere else to live, maybe one of those Women's Shelters."

"Don't be silly, and I'm not falling for your 'poor helpless little me' routine it won't work."

"You can't blame a girl for trying."

"If you can't face going back to his place you can always check into a hotel until you see how the land lies."

"I suppose that's what I'll do now that my cruel husband has tossed me out on the streets into the blizzard."

"We don't have blizzards here and I'm not tossing you out, you walked out remember?"

"That's right, rub it in." She looked on the verge of tears again.

"You don't give up, do you?"

"I'll have to, won't I, you're not going to budge."

"No I'm not, and all the tears in the world will not move me to give in."

She left after breakfast and I was alone again, but this time it didn't feel like it had in the past. While I was alone I didn't feel lonely, I felt Stephanie was with me, not physically with me but spiritually she was there beside me. Then a thought struck me, what if she didn't want a relationship with me, never intended to have a relationship with me. I was sitting on the edge of the well just about to fall in when my brain kicked in. It wouldn't be the end of the world as I knew it if it didn't work out as I'd dreamed, there were other women in this world, Heather for instance, she'd jump at the chance. (Shut the fuck up brain.) Maybe Jane at work, she was nice, but then I know nothing about her, or her private life. I was just about to push myself over the edge and into the well when the phone rang. It was Stephanie.

"Hi."

"You don't sound so good, is she still there?"

"No, she's gone to look for somewhere to stay."

"So you didn't fall for it, good for you."

"No I resisted the temptation, but that brings me to another problem."

"And what might that be?"

"What gave me the strength to resist her was you, not you as a Psychologist, although that helped, but you as a person. I know that we have this Doctor/patient relationship that prohibits anything more than that, but I feel that there is more already. Then, after she'd gone I thought, what if I'm wrong about this, about us, where will that leave me. I need to see you, to speak with you, and settle this. I'm not asking for an immediate resolution, just an indication of the possibilities. Can I come and see you?"

"Okay, if you can coax that heap of crap that you drive into life come on over."

"Thank you."

For once in its life the so called heap of crap didn't let me down and I was soon knocking on her door.

"Come in," She stepped aside to let me in. Once inside she put her hand on my arm. I stopped and turned to her. "Adrian, I want to get this straight upfront, nothing is going to happen today, we are just going to talk, okay?"

"Sure."

"Good, now that we've got that straightened out, take a seat." She sat on the sofa and patted the space beside her. "You have just about reached the point where I will no longer have to see you, but the next few days are going to be crucial, if you survive them unscathed then I will be more than happy to sign off on your treatment."

"Thank you, that is very pleasing to me."

"Like I said, the next few days will be crucial. On Monday you will probably be asked to take over James' position on a temporary basis, at least until your boss has a chance to assess the situation. Now James will not be at work first thing but I assume that he will be released on bail sometime during the day. He will undoubtedly go straight home and find Heather not there, and putting two and two together will come up with you. He will head straight to work and that is where I predict the trouble will take place."

"What if I tell the boss that I'll do the work but not assume the position until the dust settles?"

"Good idea but for one thing, I doubt that James will accept that. His mind will have already been made up and that's the way that he'll see it. How you react will be crucial and that will depend on how he acts. Do you feel strong enough to handle the situation?"

"Yes I do. A week ago I would have shat myself, but now I think that I can handle him and anything he throws at me."

"The other thing that will happen on Monday morning is that your boss will have a copy of the results of the survey that my colleague carried out. Among other things it tells him that your fellow workers all think that he chose the wrong person for that promotion. I think that will probably give him the justification that he's been waiting for. I have a feeling that James will not have a job for very long."

"I hate to think how he's going to take that."

"Probably worse than you took the rejection, surprisingly enough you took it reasonably well, considering."

"So falling into the depths of depression was taking it well?"

"I didn't say that it was perfect, but it was better than a lot of reactions that I've had to deal with. You are a strong man when you stop thinking negative thoughts. Now there's one more thing I have to do before I shove you out the door."

"And what might that be?"

"Something to give you additional strength for the days ahead." She took my head in her hands and kissed me. It was long and as passionate a kiss as I'd ever experienced, and I was just about to react when she withdrew her lips. "That will have to do you for the time being, but let me tell you, the way that I'm feeling right now, I wouldn't be surprised if, on Monday night I repeated the dose, and more. Now get out of here before I give in to my carnal urges and do something that could get me disbarred from practicing as Psychologist."

I got out and spent the rest of Saturday, and all of Sunday on cloud nine. The prospect of Monday night loomed large in my dreams on both nights and for the first time I actually masturbated.

Monday brought with it anticipation and fear. I was called in to the boss' office first thing and told that I would be taking over the job that I should have got in the first place.

"No, I won't do that, I'll do the work but I don't think that it would be right for me to take of the position permanently until the outstanding matters are resolved."

"I have the results of that survey and it confirms a decision that I'd already made but not acted upon, to fire him. I fully intend to do that when he gets to work, whenever that will be. I suppose that you've heard what he did on Friday night?"

"Yes."

"That has confirmed that he's not the person that I want working here."

"I understand, but can you wait before formalising your decision?"

"Yes. You amaze me, I know that there's no love lost between the two of you and I can fully understand that you don't like the guy, but any normal person would jump at the chance to sink the slipper while he's on the ground."

"I've been tempted, believe me, but It's not in my nature to do that." I went back to work.

"What's happening?" Jane asked as I sat at my desk.

"Nothing at the moment."

"I suppose that you've heard about James?"

"Of course, we've just been discussing that very thing."

"So?"

"Nothing for the time being, but we shall see." I said.

It was just after morning tea when it hit the fan. "Where is she?" He yelled at me from the front door.

"If you're talking about Heather, I honestly don't know."

"Don't lie to me, I know that she's been to see you to see if she can patch things up with you, so don't tell me that you don't know where she is."

One trick that I've learned and that is, when someone is screaming at you, you don't scream back at them. "You are right," I said in my best cool and calm, and soft voice. "She did come to see me and we had a long talk, the upshot of which is that she left to find a safe place to live. I wouldn't let her stay with me." The effect of this was that he had to stop yelling and actually listen closely to hear what I had to say.

"You sent her away, I don't believe you."

"It's true, I think that she was going to look for a nice quiet hotel, but I have no idea which, if any she has chosen, so I can't help you I'm afraid."

It was then that the boss called him into the office. I stood and walked over and stood just outside the door. It wasn't long before he had absorbed the news and exploded. "You bastard, you can't do this to me!"

"I can and I have, you are to clear your desk as quickly as you can and leave the premises."

I cringed at the boss' timing and I had my hand on the door knob as he lunged across the boss' desk. I opened the door and rushed over and grabbed him by the collar. "James, just calm down and let's not do anything rash that you'll regret. Come with me." I pulled him to his feet and led him to the lunch room. "Sit down and let me get you a coffee." He couldn't believe how in control I seemed, I hadn't flinched at his outburst and I'd calmly walked into the office and eased him out of it, and now I was making him coffee.

I handed him his coffee and sat down across the table from him (I wasn't stupid, I was putting as much distance as I could between us). "James, I had a long talk to Heather and she has been worried about you for some time. She said that there's been something on your mind, but that you wouldn't share it with her, she began to feel left out of your life. She's afraid of you over your behaviour over the past week or so, and I can understand her fear, I've been afraid of you, she needs you, but she needs to feel that you want her. It's up to you, if you want her, and believe me, you couldn't want for anyone better, then go to her and talk to her and help her repair the damage to your relationship. When the time comes, and it's not so far away, for her to be able to file for divorce, I won't oppose it and we can negotiate a settlement that is fair to both of us. Having said that, if you don't want to continue your relationship, you should make a clean break of it and let her pick up what's left of her life and get on with it."

"Why are you being so good to me?"

"Who would gain from me being angry? I sure as hell wouldn't, and I'm sure that you wouldn't. Anger gets you nowhere. It might feel good at the time but down the track it can jump up and bite you. Now I've got to get back to work, you're welcome to stay here for a little while if you'd like." I left him sitting there looking at his coffee cup to see if there was any more in it.

As I sat down again the boss came out of his office. "Adrian."

I held my finger to my lips and shook my head, telling him to hold off on what he had to say. About twenty minutes later a chastened James came out of the lunch room, and cleared his desk. He carried his stuff in a box over to the boss' office. "I'll be going, you know where to send my salary and entitlements." With that he left.

This time I went to the office when summoned. "Sit down won't you." I sat. He had a folder open on his desk, it was my psych evaluation. "I have been reading this and I have to admit that I'm amazed at the turnaround in your attitude over the past week. I can only put it down to Doctor Browning, she seems to have gotten straight to the root of your problem and come up with a solution that has worked. In fact she has recommended that you be given the position that even I admit that you should have got in the first place, she even goes so far as to recommend that we pay you the difference in salary from that time to now, seeing as you were doing the work anyway. Actually she didn't say that, the staff did, so you will receive that money in your next pay packet. She has signed off on your treatment, as far as she's concerned you do not need to see her again. She has nothing but good things to say about you, so much so that I've even thought that the two of you might be more than Doctor/patient."

"No, that is not the case, we have kept a professional distance, although that's not to say that I won't pursue a closer relationship in the future."

"If she's as good as the results she's achieved here, I would encourage you to go for it." He was smiling so I didn't know whether he was serious or being sarcastic. "Move your things to James' desk and start your new job. Good luck."

"I'm not moving my stuff, I was able to do the job quite satisfactorily from my present desk, it's in close touch with those who work with me, and I don't want to distance myself from my fellow workers."

"As you wish, don't let me stop you."

"Well, did you get the job?" Jane asked as I sat down.

"Yes, I did."

"Do you need a hand moving your things?"

"No, I'm staying right here."

My phone rang just before the end of the day. "Montgomery Little, Adrian speaking."

"Stephanie Browning calling, I have a request to make."

"Yes, and what might that be?" I knew what I hoped that it would be.

"I hereby request the presence of your good self at 'la Maison' at seven thirty this evening. Then following dinner we will adjourn to my home where I will proceed to entertain you in a romantic fashion."

"This sound all so very formal."

"Do you decline on that basis?"

"No, I accept on that basis, but I can't be expected to remain formal for the entire evening."

"I bloody well hope not, 'bye Darling, I'll see you at seven thirty."

"You've got a smug look on your face, do you have a date?" Jane asked.

"Yes."

"Anyone I know?"

"It's definitely not my wife."

The evening went pretty much as I'd expected, the night that followed went pretty much as I'd hoped. I won't bore you with the finer details of our sexual/romantic endeavours, suffice it to say that I called in sick the next day, hey, I was exhausted and suffering from an acute lack of sleep. Stephanie had already left a message on her phone and a note on her door advising current and potential clients that she was unavailable for consultation on that day.

I can tell you this, looking from the top of the well down to the depths of depression is much better than view from the bottom looking up. I don't ever want to be down there again.