Absolutely F$#%ing Nothing

The next day Linda, I and our new pal Phil were waiting for Neil when he got home. Phil enjoyed this one as well.

I stayed while Neil packed, always between him and Linda. I was itching for him to try something and he knew it. 65 minutes later, he was gone. 35 minutes later all the locks were changed. Bank and business accounts were already frozen.

Answering a call from Sandra at 9PM, I was slightly disconcerted by her friendly tone. She said she just wanted to apologise in person for the appalling way she'd ended our marriage. For old time's sake I went home. There was no answer to my knocking, so I tried the door. It was unlocked.

I could hear Sandra's screams of passion echoing down the stairs. Playing their game I walked up and looked into our bedroom. With relief I realised that I felt nothing but contempt for what I saw. After half a minute Sandra pretended to see me for the first time.

"Aren't you going to miss this Dave? Don't worry about me, I've got a real man to satisfy me now."

"Don't sweat it dear, thanks to pencil dick here, your sister is much tighter."

Ignoring the foul language and hurled objects, I beat a hasty retreat wondering what that had all been about.

My first task of my new job the next day was to fire my predecessor. Having been started with her money, the company was in Linda's name. Neil should have known his company had a strict moral code. He wrote the bloody thing after all. Knowing absolutely nothing about manufacturing, I spent the morning talking to the senior staff and appointing an interim manager. I had their full support. Like many men with, 'small dick syndrome', Neil wasn't a likeable character.

I'd just finished the essentials when I was arrested. Assault on Sandra Brown and Neil Winters apparently. I had to admire the strategy and it explained what last night was all about. It was slightly embarrassing, being looked at as a wife beater in the police station. I bailed myself out that same afternoon using just about all the savings I had left in the bank. I was moderately surprised that Sandra hadn't cleaned it out already. The next day I was served with a restraining order against Sandra, Neil and my old house. It was valid for six months.

I moved in with Linda while the lawyers did their thing. The sex was mind blowing. Linda was on a mission to make up for lost time. With a stiff upper lip, I put up with the shame of extramarital sex. We'd no interest in knowing anything about what the 'has-beens' were up to, although we heard they were no longer together. Sandra may have been willing to put up with his small dick for a rich man, but not a pauper.

Linda's divorce and civil case came up first, three months later. Neil didn't try to fight the divorce, but of course fought the infidelity charge tooth and nail. He tried to claim that as the sex between he and Sandra was done with the complete consent of Linda, it didn't constitute adultery. Sandra and he testified to that. I, of course testified with Linda that we'd both asked them to stop when I found out and Linda discovered I wasn't a willing participant. I can't tell you how proud of Linda I was that day. She managed to get out the whole story of her apparent frigidity and later discovery that it was all due to Neil's miniscule equipment and selfish technique, with her head held high. The press gallery, attracted as always by sexual scandal, lapped it up. The recording Linda had taken of her begging Neil to stop his affair tipped the balance of power and his petition was allotted to the scrap heap. With his integrity in tatters and his manhood smashed, Neil left town.

We didn't see either Neil or Sandra for another three months after that. Sandra smiled at me evilly from the witness box during my assault trial. She was very convincing and had a tear in her eye as she described me finding her in bed with Neil. She knew what she was doing was wrong, but surely she didn't deserve to be beaten for it. The judge told me off when I applauded her performance at the end.

Neil was slightly less convincing, as he described how he couldn't match my size and fury when I discovered him with my wife. I showed my respect for the judge this time and didn't clap.

The prosecution lawyer tried to object when my guy put the recorded footage from the lounge room hidden camera into evidence, explaining why it hadn't been handed over in the discovery process. My guy apologised to the judge and explained that I'd been unable to retrieve the hard drive until yesterday as the restraining order was still in place. Actually, Linda grabbed it two days after I was arrested but my guy didn't know that.

I watched Sandra and Neil's faces as they watched the drama unfold. This time I'd got the camera placement just right. It plainly showed them plotting at the kitchen table, after I'd gone. They'd been smart enough to remove the bedroom camera, but I don't know if they hadn't thought to look for others or just hadn't found it. After a lengthy discussion, the silent courtroom saw Neil wrap a towel around his hand and knock Sandra to the floor. Trooper that she is, she got up again and braced herself for round two. She used a frying pan on Neil with gusto. Shouldn't have gone first Neil.

The courtroom erupted and so I struggled to hear my case being dismissed and the judge yelling at the bailiff to arrest them. There are two crimes that judges hate. Contempt of court and perjury. They work hard to get where they are and those crimes call the court and by extension, themselves, into contempt. Sure, I could have released the video earlier and had them charged with conspiring to pervert the course of justice or making false statements, but I didn't. Both Linda and I agreed that the shabby and contemptuous way we'd been treated deserved our best response.

By the time I'd cleared my name with the waiting media, the police chief wanted a word. He apologised for my wrongful arrest. I forgave him immediately and we chatted for a few minutes. Just as we were finishing Sandra was released. She marched towards Linda with obvious malice of forethought. I stepped in between my ex-beloved and current beloved.

"Sandra, you wouldn't hit a pregnant woman would you?"

Sandra stopped dead. Her face went several shades of extremely pissed, then she just turned away before we could see her tears.

Two months later I read in the paper that the happy couple had received the minimum sentence for perjury, 12 months in prison. Right, time to start that divorce and sell that house.

I reflected that Sandra had been right. Her dating Neil triggered a competitive instinct in me. Unfortunately, it wasn't the instinct to reclaim my mate through sex, but the baser instinct to kill and rend.

Two nights later, bathed in sweat Linda and I continued our running argument. We had continued our frenetic bedroom activities as Linda insisted she had 15 years of missed pleasure to make up for. By my calculations, I reckoned she was only eight years in arrears. She insisted it was still at least twelve. As I lay there stroking her bulging belly, we talked.

"Isn't it silly darling? If they'd only done things properly, you know, asked us for divorces and then got together, things would be so different today. We would have been devastated I suppose but they would have been free and wealthy and having all the sex they could handle."

"Something tells me that Neil is getting all the sex he can handle. They do say that Bubba can be quite insistent. Now shut up and let's try to get down to twelve years."

"Eight years, you insatiable bitch."

Yesterday.

"What would you like to do for our 15^th anniversary Dave?"

"Nothing sweetie. Absolutely fucking nothing."

The end

So you don't go out into the world with negative thoughts after my tale, there follows my traditional funny.

An 81 year old man and his 80 year old wife are sitting together on the couch after celebrating their 60^th anniversary. The mood is nostalgic.

Wife: "Do you remember what you thought the first time you saw me?"

Husband: "Yes, as clearly as if it was yesterday. I thought, 'gee I'd like to fuck her brains out'."

The wife is shocked but at the same time kind of thrilled that she'd once elicited that sort of reaction.

Wife: "What did you think next?"

Husband: "I remember that one too, it was, 'gee I'd like to suck them tits dry'."

Again both shocked and proud the wife continues.

Wife: "And what do you think now?"

The husband looks over at his beloved wife. "I think I did a fucking good job."

Please don't take offence at the above joke. I love women of all ages. You're all beautiful.

The author