Abstinence

Something was always happening at the fountain in the middle of campus. A protest, a speech, people marching around carrying signs. Save the whales one day, end homelessness the next, support the Democrats the next.

The fountain was the hub of campus, on the way to everything, where you were just as likely to find someone majoring in engineering as art history. The hubbub was usually at least entertaining, if nothing else.

Today, while I was still a block away from the fountain, I could already hear the muffled sound of someone, obviously a guy, talking in a megaphone. The voice got clearer as I got closer, and even when I couldn't make out any words, there was something familiar about the voice. My eyebrows furrowed as I tried to figure out why it sounded familiar, struggling to make sense of something encountered in a different context than usual.

My ears were piqued on the sound, the rise and fall of the tone as he made some particular point. The voice stopped, and I could hear a smattering of applause and cheers before it started up again. I was getting a few words now: "and," "ourselves", "thinking." But somewhere my brain came up with a match: the voice sounded just like Jake.

Jake and I went out when we were seniors in high school, but then he went off to the state university and I went to community college, and we just kind of grew apart. It was one thing to go out with him when we saw each other at school every day, but after we went to different colleges, it just didn't work. We were each engrossed in totally different college experiences, and we didn't prioritize each other. In our case, absence didn't make the heart grow fonder. We were so young then, just 18. What did we know?

We'd lost touch in the intervening years, but now that I had transferred to the same university, I idly wondered once in a while if I'd ever run into him. I started walking a bit faster toward the sound of the megaphone, and the better I could hear, the more convinced I was that it was Jake I was listening to.

I rounded the last corner and the fountain came into view. People were walking past in all directions, and a crowd of probably 20 or 30 people were surrounding the guy with the megaphone, who was standing on a folding chair. A smile began to form on my lips as I hustled toward the crowd and recognized Jake's dark hair, a tad unkempt, just like I remembered him.

But the smile disappeared, and I stopped dead in my tracks, when I started to actually listen to what was coming out of the megaphone. "And so, fellow students, I think we can agree that college campuses are places for learning, for personal growth, for preparing ourselves for the real world. And although there's nothing wrong with having a relationship on campus, there's just no need for sex."

Cheers from the crowd while Jake paused, then continued. "There's way too much focus on sex today, and we're here to tell you that the best time for sex is after marriage. And, don't worry, because each of us will tell you that abstinence makes the heart grow fonder."

Slight chuckles all around now at this attempt at humor. Meanwhile, I was trying to make sense of what I was hearing. This would have been a perfectly normal morning at the fountain, nothing even remotely remarkable about it, except that the guy speaking so passionately about abstinence was, just a couple of years before, fucking me senseless.

The speech went on for a few more minutes, and while I thought about bolting and hoping Jake hadn't seen me, the whole thing was just too bizarre to walk away from. Jake was actually my first lover, taking my virginity the day after we graduated from high school. I hadn't planned for it to happen that day, but I'd been thinking about it for months, and I'd been so ready. We'd both been worn out after wild graduation parties the night before. He'd picked me up and taken me to breakfast about 2:00 in the afternoon, then back to his place, where nobody was home.

I'd been deeply in love with him, or at least I'd thought so at the time. We'd gone up to his bedroom and turned on the TV, but neither of us had had the faintest idea what was on. He'd kissed me over and over, my lips aching for more of him. Our clothes had been on the floor before I'd known what was happening. I'd taken his cock in my mouth like I'd done before, but when he'd pulled it away from my lips, still hard as steel, the look on his face had been one of pure animalistic lust. It was that moment when I knew I was about to be fucked.

More applause from the crowd distracted me from this memory. You never forget your first time, right? Jake stepped down from the folding chair, and the crowd began to disperse. A few people, all female, went up to Jake, apparently to ask a question or something. They surrounded him, groupies around the rock star after his concert. I watched from behind the throng as someone, one of Jake's minions, apparently, put the folding chair and the megaphone in a metal cart.

As the groupies thinned out, Jake turned toward me and I watched a flash of recognition on his face. He extricated himself from his conversation and jogged over to me. "My god, Lauren, how are you?"

He gave me a quick platonic hug, which I dutifully returned. "Hi Jake, I'm good. It's great to see you after so long."

"I didn't even know you were at State."

"Yep, here I am, just since the beginning of the semester."

"Well, do you want to grab some lunch today? I want to hear all about what you're up to."

"Sure, that would be great."

He pointed at the cart. "I have to take this stuff back to the SFA office right now. Do you want to walk with me, then we can eat after?"

"OK," I said.

He turned around and yelled over his shoulder at the remnants of the crowd, addressing his minions, I guessed. "Guys, I'm taking this stuff back. See you on Thursday."

After a few waves, we started off away from the fountain, him pulling the cart along behind. I asked, "What's SFA?"

"Oh, sorry, Students For Abstinence." We were both quiet for a while, the awkwardness of this moment bouncing silently between us.

"Abstinence, eh?," I finally said. "Like, no sex?"

He laughed. "Yeah, this is something I got involved in after I got to State."

"Obviously," I said. "Why on earth would you get involved with such a thing? I mean, I happen to know that you haven't always been--"

He interrupted me. "Right, Lauren, I know, but back then, I didn't know why abstinence is so beneficial."

"Why is it so beneficial, Jake?"

"A lot of people in SFA are there because it kind of fits with their religion. Which is fine. But another main reason is that it puts thepeoplein control of their relationship instead of the sex. Sometimes you're out on a date and you're thinking the whole time about whether you're going to have sex after, instead of paying attention to your date. You're deciding where to go, what to do, what to say, to maximize your chances of getting laid. We're saying that this whole thing is silly. First get to know the person. There will be plenty of time for sex later."

"That's the benefit?"

"Well, that's one, yes," he said.

"But doesn't having sex help you to get to know the person?"

"Maybe," he said. "But there are lots of better ways to get to know each other that don't have so many overtones. If you both know up front there won't be any sex, you're free to focus on all of the other ways to get to know each other."

"OK, if you say so."

We turned off the main walkway toward the front door of the Wilson Bulding, a fixture on campus for a hundred years that once housed classrooms but has since been converted to offices and and work space. I held the door open while Jake dragged the cart through, and after crossing the lobby, Jake pressed the button to summon the elevator.

While we were waiting, I asked, "So, Jake, do you wish we never had sex?"

"Um, well, the thing is, Lauren, that I didn't really even know about SFA when I knew you."

"That's not what I asked."

The elevator dinged and the door opened. He must have been working on a response, because he didn't say anything until he'd pressed "4" and the doors were closed again.

"Well, I don't regret it exactly, but it did help me understand what happens when, you know, there's a sexual relationship." The old elevator groaned and started up, painfully slowly.

"Oh, really? What happened in our sexual relationship, Jake?"

"This is kind of hard to explain," he said. "I don't expect you to understand all the reasons I'm doing this."

"That's fine. I'm just asking what you think happened when we were--" A light suddenly went on in my head. "Wait, are you saying that when you went out with me, you were constantly thinking about sex the whole time?"

"Um, no, that's not it at all. It's complicated."

"Were you ever thinking about sex when we went out?" I asked.

"I don't think this matters anymore, Lauren. This was a long time ago."

"Exactly, it was a long time ago, and it doesn't matter, so you can tell me. I won't be mad."

The elevator door finally slid open on the fourth floor, and Jake maneuvered the cart down a hallway to our left. He sighed. "I'm not proud of it, Lauren, but yes, I thought about sex a lot."

Even though I probably already knew this, hearing him say it out loud gave me a jolt of emotion that was hard to describe. Not pain or sadness, not disappointment, but more like surprise, combined with knowing something I wasn't supposed to.

I asked, "Do you remember the first time we had sex? In your room the day after graduation?"

"Of course! How could I forget?"

"Were you thinking about sex that day, while we were having breakfast?"

"Oh god yes," he said. "I couldn't wait to get you in bed that day."

I stopped in the hall. "Jake! What are you saying? I thought our first time was totally spontaneous. And you're saying you were deciding where to go and what to say the whole day just to get me in bed?"

He kept walking while I spoke, but then stopped at a door within shouting distance and pulled his keys out of his pocket. "What can I say, Lauren? Guys are horny. That's kind of the point of this." He gestured to the doorway, labeled "Students For Abstinence."

He wrangled the cart through the door, and I followed. The spring-loaded door swung shut after I let go of it. The room was larger than I expected, probably a former classroom, with a few cluttered desks and old chairs that looked like hand-me-downs from professors' offices. A blue couch by the window was faded on top where the sun hit it. Stacks of brochures were lined up on bookshelves along one wall. But for all the furniture, there wasn't a soul in the room except us.

"I don't think all guys are that horny," I said, after surveying the room.

"Well, I can't speak for all guys, but I--" He paused to rearrange the sentence. "Um, what I mean is, guys are horny."

I sat on the couch while he unloaded the cart, leaning the folding chair against a wall and putting the megaphone on top of a desk full of papers. He pulled the cart into a parking space near the door. While I watched him, I wondered what it would be like to go out with a guy who wasn't obsessed with sex.

"So Jake," I said, "Let me ask you, what exactly are you allowed to do?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, what exactly can you do and still be, you know, abstinent?"

He sat in a chair and wheeled himself over next to the couch. "Well, we advise people not to put themselves in sexual situations where they might have to make a judgment call like that."

"I'm not asking what you advise people," I said. "I'm asking what you can do."

"All forms of sexual behavior are frowned upon."

"Frowned upon? Aren't there any, you know, hard and fast rules?"

"We're not going to send someone to jail if they happen to lick a nipple," he said.

I laughed, but then picked up on his line. "So licking a nipple is OK, then?"

"It's best not to go down that path, Lauren, because it's a steep slope and you might not be able to stop when you get to the bottom." I couldn't help but grin at his reference to the bottom.

"OK," I said, regrouping. "So now that you're in this SFA group, when you go out with women, you don't think about sex anymore?"

"The important part is that it doesn't matter what I'm thinking about, because we both know we're going to be abstinent." He sounded like he was reading a line directly from an SFA brochure.

"Jake, I'm asking about you, here. Does this group somehow make you less horny?"

"I don't normally talk about this stuff, Lauren. I mean, it's personal."

"Come on, Jake, you can tell me. You already burst my bubble about what you were thinking when I lost my virginity, so I think it's the least you can do."

He smiled at me and looked in my eyes. I knew those eyes so well, knew what they looked like in all kinds of circumstances. All kinds.

"Yeah, OK," he said. "The thing is, I still think about sex a lot. Maybe not as much as before, but I learn to set it aside."

"If we were on a date right now, would you be thinking about sex?"

He didn't even pause. "Oh yeah."

This quick comeback caught me off guard. "Why? You're supposed to be thinking about abstinence."

"Because there's an incredibly sexy woman sitting right there on the couch, and not only that, it's a woman I've had sex with before, and someday I would love to have sex with ag--" He didn't quite catch himself before spilling this thought.

I sat up straight and looked right at him. "You want to have sex with me again?"

"Um, no, I just mean that this is what I'd be thinking."

I said, "But you would set this aside."

"Yeah, I'm setting it aside. Yes."

"So Jake, when was the last time you had sex?"

"I joined SFA right after I started on campus."

"So you haven't had sex with anyone since me?"

"No."

"That's been a long time," I said.

"Yeah, it has."

"Do you know what I remember about you, Jake?"

"What?"

"I remember that when you kissed me just right, my lips would melt. I never found anyone who could kiss like you."

I stood up and walked over toward his chair, then knelt down next to him. "I know you said you didn't want to go down a path, but there's nothing wrong with a kiss, right?"

He shook his head just slightly as we stared in each other's eyes. My lips found his, and we kissed, softly at first, tentatively. The memory of his kiss was nothing compared with the real thing, and I luxuriated in the sensations. I put my hands on his shoulders, then worked them up along his neck, and I felt his arms circle around my waist. His tongue gingerly probed between my lips, and I eagerly returned the contact. The kiss went on for minutes, and when we parted, my lips felt just as good as ever. Maybe even better, since it had been so long.

"Mmm, you feel so familiar, just like it was yesterday," I said.

"Yeah," he said.

I tugged upwards at the hem of his shirt. He raised his arms and let me take it clean off, turning it inside out in the process. I admired his chest, which had always been appealing, but he must have been working out in the campus gym, because his pecs were solid to the touch, exuding strength.

I stood up and pulled off my tanktop too, letting him study my bra. It was nothing fancy, black, mostly cotton, with a little lace decoration right in front. He stood up beside me, moving directly to the couch with me as soon as I sat down again.

My hand caressed in circles over his chest, dipping down to his stomach. His lips found my shoulder, and he peppered me with kisses, just the way he knew I liked.

I undid the top button of his jeans and slipped three fingers inside, trailing them along the elastic waistband of his boxers. But then, abruptly, he pulled away from me and said, "Lauren, I'm sorry, I can't do this."

"Sure you can, Jake. I know from personal experience that you can."

"No, I mean, there's the whole SFA thing."

"Right," I said. "SFA."

"This is something I really believe in. I'm sorry."

"Yeah, OK." His words weren't aligning with the signals I was getting from his body. The way he embraced me, the way he kissed me, these were signals I knew so well from years before. It was completely unlike him to pull away from me when I knew he wanted more. I wanted to play with him a little, so I asked, "What does SFA say about being naked?"

"Lauren, I told you, it's best not to even--"

I barged in. "Are you naked when you take a shower?"

"Of course."

"Then being naked is fine," I said. I slid my feet out of my sandals.

"This is different, Lauren."

"What's different?"

"This is not a shower."

"You're absolutely right, Jake, and I apologize for even considering it," I said. "You win. Let's go find a shower to be naked in." I stood up and reached my hand out for his, and although he took my hand, he didn't stand up, but did give a little chuckle. I sat back down.

"I have to say that you don't seem to be respecting my abstinence."

"Oh, I think I'm respecting it fine. So far all I know for sure is that we're allowed to lick nipples and take a shower together, and we haven't done either of those things." I was glad I had him smiling at least, because it made my job easier.

He said, "I never said either of those were allowed."

"Do you remember the first time we took a shower together, Jake?"

"Yeah, I remember."

"I was so attracted to you that day. It was incredibly hot, and we were playing tennis, and I let you win, and--"

"Hey! You did not! I beat you fair and square."

"Maybe. Anyway, we went back to your place and neither of us wanted to let the other one take a shower first, because we both were drenched with sweat. We both got in the shower together, and you washed every inch of my body, slowly, carefully, you let the soap suds trickle down past my breasts. I still remember the smell of the soap from that day.

"And I turned around to return the favor, and your cock was already throbbing for attention, literally pulsing, and I hadn't even touched it yet. You handed me the soap, and I washed you, but carefully avoided your cock, watching it bounce with anticipation of what might happen. Do you remember how hard your cock was right then?"

"God yes." His voice was breathier than it had been, and I knew he was reliving the moment right along with me.

"I washed your balls, and I could feel that thickness stretching way below your balls toward your ass. I knew then that I had this power over your cock. I could make it do what I wanted with just a touch or a lick, or even a whisper in your ear. I loved that you let me have this control over you, Jake. Finally I knelt down and washed your shaft, and you moaned at the touch."

Jake let out a soft noise, his eyes closed now, really getting into my story.

"Yeah, kind of like that, but louder. I cleaned your cock so thoroughly, then watched it, right at eye level, while I let the water pour over it and I used my hands to rinse away all the soap. And when I stood up, your wet mouth devoured mine in a kiss. That kiss was probably one of our most powerful, Jake, don't you think?"

"Yeah," he said.

"And while you were kissing me, you reached your hand between my legs, and you made me realize that I was soaking wet, and not just from the shower. I could control your cock, make it as hard as ever, make you so turned on, but I couldn't help but turn myself on at the same time, maybe even more. You made me want you so bad, Jake."

I reached my hand out to massage his chest again while I continued the story. He didn't object.

"Then I stood on my tiptoes and leaned against the back wall of the shower, and your whole body pressed against me. I felt the tip of your cock sliding along my slit, and I had to have you inside me, I needed you inside me desperately right then."