Across the Pond Ch. 03

Dark eyes fixated on me until I watched him slump his shoulders, out of respite or fatigue I didn't know. "I'll see you when you get back from the beach."

I turned to leave but in a split-second decision I spun on my heel and gave Tony a hug around the waist. His hands stayed immobile for a long minute, probably out of shock, then I felt his hand smooth down my hair. "Take care of yourself, kid. And I mean, yourself. I'll see you next week."

"Thanks Tony." Another quick squeeze and I left the office. Everyone started to pour back in, still talking, no doubt blaming me for the theft. I didn't care. I was past caring. Colin tried to talk to me when I got to the parking lot. "You're leaving?"

"You're taking my shift, and you can kindly go fuck yourself right now," was all I told him as I unlocked the car.

"Syd - "

"Goddamnit Colin!" I whirled around and pushed at his chest. He stumbled backward and I shoved him again, but he just took it. "Why? When? I thought you were doing okay!"

He finally removed his sunglasses and his eyes were still sleep-vacant and red. "I was. But lately, I don't know. I've been feeling shitty, and you've been off dealing with your Holland stuff - "

"Don't put this shit on me! Just because I start dating doesn't mean I'm not there for you! You promised, you swore you were done with this coke shit!"

"I know! And I'm sorry."

I scoffed and looked up to the sunset. My bright and breezy summer was rapidly falling apart. "Look, I'll go to NA with you tomorrow night, right now...I love you more than life itself, Col, but I am so unbelievably pissed at you and I need to go before I say something I regret. Just go inside."

"...okay." With his deflated voice he made his way back to the building while I settled in the seat of my Porsche, brimming with anger and sadness. Colin's gone through his episodes with cocaine in the eight years we've been friends but even though the bad times he never hid it from me. Maybe he's right. Holland has you too distracted. It wouldn't be a wrong assessment. I decided to take my pity party home for the night so I could sort out my priorities, and what the hell I was going to do with them.

***

V: To Be Alone

I sat in the New Haven Pride community center parking lot at ten before seven, staring at the lobby doors. Well, to be honest I'd been there since six-thirty, it was taking me a while to go in. This specific community center held support groups for those who were LGBT+, and though I wasn't looking forward to going into yet another Narcotics Anonymous meeting with Colin I was eternally grateful that such a safe meeting space existed.

I thought back to all the signs I'd missed over the last few weeks. The jittery movements, flaky habits and supercharged promiscuity even to Colin's standards. There had been a few times he'd called I didn't answer because I was with Holland, which only fed into my guilt that I'm a shitty friend. And because the universe hates me, that's when my phone started ringing. I stepped out of the car and answered as flatly as I could. "Hey Boss."

"Where are you?" he asked informally.

"Uh, I'm in Connecticut?"

"I've just arrived at the flat. I need to speak with you urgently."

I shut the door and hit the lock button on my keychain before making my way inside the building. I couldn't even have time to be excited he was back in the area. "I can't right now, I'm busy."

"Whatever you're doing can wait. I want to speak with you, now."

The fuck? The audacity of this dude. "Actually, it can't. I'll be home later, glad you're back, see you soon." I hung up and didn't give it a second thought, making my way to the meeting. The last door on the left on the second floor was the designated room, and I tried to project an aura of bravado before walking through it.

"Sydney, you made it!" I smiled at the friendly greeting of Malcolm the group leader, who gave me a wave from his chair. A giant, Black big bear type he always gave out positive, loving vibes. One could really feel at ease when he was around which I guess is why he made such a good drug counselor. Well, everyone but Mr. Patrick who was smoking by the only open window in the room. "Whoopee, Mom's here," he muttered under his breath.

Oh, okay. This is how it's gonna be today. I took a seat next to one of the other five people in the room, a skinny blonde girl who gave me a shy smile. Malcom rang his gold waiter's bell to signify the start of the meeting and Colin flicked his butt out of the window and joined us. "Alright, welcome everyone. This is Narcotics Anonymous, and since I don't see any new faces I'll skip the spiel. Who would like to share first?"

The timid blonde raised her hand and introduced herself as Stacy, painkillers were her drug of choice. I kind of phased out while she was talking, taking note of how cold Colin was being toward me. His right leg was bouncing up and down aggressively and I could practically feel anger pouring out from him. When Stacy was finished two other people offered their testimonies and Malcom thanked them for sharing. "Who's next?"

"Oh, I'll go," Colin spat out suddenly, shifting in his chair until he was staring daggers straight at me. "I got suspended from my job today. Indefinitely."

My expression went from shock to confusion. "I'm...is that supposed to be my fault?"

"Fuckin' right it's your fault. If you wouldn't have stuck your nose in the middle of it Tony never would have known who took the money."

"Hold on," Malcom interrupted. "Colin, you stole from your job at the bar?"

"I didn't steal it, I borrowed it." He shoved his hand through his hair and grunted. "Look, I owed some guys, and I already had jobs lined up to make the money back. I was going to mail it in anonymously so Tony wouldn't know who it was. Everything would have been fine."

"Fine? Everything would have been fine?" I barked out a hard laugh and glared at this fool. "Are you so goddamn reckless with your life that you would risk your sexual health as well as your job? You could have gotten Tony fired and he doesn't deserve that. He may act like a shlub but he's not stupid, he would have found out eventually and then where would you be?"

"Where I would be is none of your business, Syd! I didn't ask you for your fucking help!"

"No. No, you don't ask. You never ask, but you sure as shit take when it's beneficial to you. Do you ever stop to think about who your actions affect, Col? I am always here for you, and I'm always the one to bail you out of your shit. You went way too far this time; not only did I risk my own fucking job and pawn the one thing that means the world to me, but when Holland finds out about this I'm probably going to lose him too. Do you even care about that?"

Cold green eyes didn't even blink. "No. I don't care. Maybe if you were a little more concerned about getting some dick of your own you'd have something going on in your own life and stay the fuck out of mine."

"Colin, that's enough." Malcolm interjected. I just stared at this person, this shell of man that I couldn't even recognize in that moment. Colin turned his head and stared at the wall, not acknowledging me or anyone else for the rest of the meeting. I just sat there, embarrassed and seething.

When the hour was up the first person out the room was Colin, ungrateful little bitch. The others piled out slowly while I stayed back to talk to Malcolm. "I don't know what to do, he's so mad at me."

"He's feeling a heavy dose of shame I don't think he's felt before. He's lashing out because he's in pain, you know he didn't mean any of it." The older gentleman handed me a folder as we walked out of the classroom and patted my shoulder gently. "These are some really great rehab centers right here in Connecticut. If you and Colin need help deciding, don't hesitate to call me, okay? And don't worry - he's angry now, but you did the right thing by getting him back here."

"Thanks, Malcolm." He went back into the room and shut the door. I turned to leave and got stuck to the floor.

Holland was sitting on the bench in front of me. Casually clothed and looking pissed.

He stood and took a few steps toward me. He looked like he wanted to yell and scream, which he had every right to considering the circumstances. Instead, he reached his hand out to brush my bangs away from my eyes. This isn't how I wanted to see him. This isn't how I wanted him to see me. My bottom lip started to quiver. "I'm sorry," I mouthed silently as I looked up at him.

Max inhaled deeply, cupping the back of my neck in his hand and placing a kiss in the middle of my forehead. "Let's go home." His fingers slid down my arm until they found mind, interlocking them together we walked in unison toward the exit.

VI: Blowback

An hour later I was sitting against the headboard on Holland's bed, waiting for him to come in so we could get this breakup over with because I knew it was coming. At least I'd be taking the Ramones shirt he gave me to change into after my shower as a parting gift since he was taking his sweet time coming back to give me my walking papers. I closed my eyes and waited.

The bed dipped beside my leg and fingertips brushed against my forehead, before pressing his palm flat against my skin. "Sydney, you're burning up, are you alright?" he asked with alarm in his accent.

My eyes slid open, damp and a little unfocused when I tried to give him a smile. "Yeah. I run hot when I'm stressed, I'm okay." Reaching up I pulled his hand into my lap and closed my eyes again. "I'm sorry, Max. I should have told you about Colin."

"Shh. We can talk it over in the morning."

"No, I have to get it out." I swallowed thickly before I started explaining. "Tony went on a rampage at the bar yesterday, accusing everyone from the servers to the dishwasher of stealing the money. Everyone was gossiping over who could have taken it, except Colin was oddly quiet, and he's never quiet. After threatening to kick his ass he confessed he'd been getting coked out every night for the past few weeks, back-to-back benders with a bunch of rich-kid assholes on the east side and was in the hole. Tony's dumbass left the safe open the other day when he ran out of the office to take a personal phone call and, well."

Holland's jaw ticked angrily. "I'll be installing cameras first thing in the morning. However blaringly idiotic, Tony's error in judgement isn't an excuse."

"No, I know. Colin felt terrible once he sobered up long enough to remember what he did, and tonight he said he was ready to start escorting again just to pay it back. He loves his job, he was just desperate. I tried to sneak in the office and leave the money on the desk but Tony caught me. I figured you hadn't come back yet and the money was returned in full so you didn't need to know."

"I didn't need to...honestly, Sydney. Colin stole from me and you didn't think I needed to know? That is the most asinine line of thinking, how am I to trust you if you keep something this serious from me?" My eyes started watering over while he scolded me and he shook his head. "This is absolutely unacceptable. First off, I'm suspending you for two weeks, and you are off weekends for the next two months. Don't you ever lie to me about something like this again, do you understand?"

"Yes. I'm sorry." A tear escaped my eye and he swept it away with his thumb. I felt horrible, but at least the anger in his eyes was melting away. "What about Colin?"

"Oh, as of this moment Mr. Patrick is no longer employed. He's fortunate I'm not contacting the authorities."

"But," He narrowed his eyes at me while I pathetically pleaded for Colin's job, "You got your money back. He clearly has a problem, can't you just - "

"No. Do you have any idea how it would look if I were to allow him to continue working for me after this?" He reached for my face and I turned away from his touch. "I understand he's your friend, little one, but I can't."

I nodded, the dark strands of my hair covering my profile so he didn't have to see how embarrassed I was. "He really fucked up this time."

Reaching for me a second time he tucked my hair behind my ear and I didn't shy away. "It's much more than that. He stole funds to support his narcotics habit. He deceived his employers, and you. You sold the most prized possession you own the cover his tracks," I rubbed my bare wrist at the mention of my missing watch, wondering how he was so observant, "You're now being suspended and placed on restriction, not to mention the fact this would have effectively ended our relationship had I not been so understanding. To top it all off, now you're ill. Yet you're still defending him. Why?"

I stared at him for a moment, then scooted closer so our knees were touching. "When I left home at sixteen, Colin was who I moved in with. He used to throw these wild parties almost every night of the week, which, trust me - as an angry teenage girl hanging out with a bunch of bombed twenty-somethings was the highlight of my life. But every morning he would kick my ass out of bed so I made it to class on time. He'd say, "You need to get up and make something of yourself, so you don't end up a twenty-year-old girl turning tricks living with some asshole roommate that steals your haircare products!" I couldn't help but to laugh at the memory.

"Every cheerleading competition, every awards ceremony he was in the stands cheering me on. For a month he slept with some of the nastiest fucking guys just so he could pay for a trip to Greece when I graduated from Yale. Hell, he was the one who got me this job when I decided not to go to law school. I know he has problems, but so do I, and he's always done his best to help me out. I know him better than anyone and I feel guilty as hell I was so wrapped up in my own stuff that I didn't see he was struggling. So I can't just sit back and watch him spiral and do nothing. He has no one else in his life looking out for him. He's family, and if you and I are going to do...whatever it is we're doing, now he's your family too."

Holland didn't respond to my little speech right away, drumming his fingers on the duvet as he thought. "He goes to an inpatient rehabilitation center for thirty days. If he completes the program to my satisfaction I will consider reinstating his employment."

"He can't afford that."

"But I can." He pulled his tie from his hair as I watched at him with wide, hopeful eyes. "He goes, and you two sever ties for the entire time he's there. When he comes out he stays clean. If I hear him mucking it up once, that's it - the job, you, it's all gone. That is nonnegotiable and there is no second chance. I acknowledge you want to help but I will not allow you to sacrifice any more of yourself to do so. You need to worry about yourself a little more, alright? And if you need help with anything in future, please ask me. I don't want to have to do this again."

I leaned forward and wrapped my arms around his neck, resting my cheek on his shoulder as he drew me into him. I only pulled back enough to ask "Hey, how'd you know where I was anyway?"

His eyes flickered up to the ceiling before finding mine again. "I knew you didn't take the money, figuring you were covering for someone. As Mr. Patrick is your friend...I've done the same for McKenzie when he was going through his addiction. I assumed your next steps and went from there. A bit of blind luck, I suppose."

"Oh. Thank you."

"You're welcome. Now, it's time for bed, you need to rest." He helped me get settled underneath his sheets before he laid on top of them, curling a long arm around my body when I snuggled into his side. "I'll stay until you fall asleep. Would you like me to retrieve Vincent for you?"

I felt my heartbeat start to relax for I was finally going to fall asleep with my beautiful blonde boy, if only for a little while. I moved my face up right underneath his chin and closed my eyes. "No. You'll do." He was home. I, was home.

***

VII: Get You.

"Hmm. Is it here?" Lips connected with my fingers while oceanic eyes kept steady on mine. I shook my head and tried not to laugh when teeth nipped the tip of my fingernail. With a determined look Max tucked my hand back into my lap and lifted my right leg that was comfortably tangled with his left where we sat in the middle of the bed. He kissed the little piggy at the end of the line. "Here?"

"No, and you better not have a foot fetish." He hid his smile behind my foot but the dimples in his cheeks were clear as day. Even though he'd slept in the second bedroom I was woken up in the best way that morning - with sweet kisses and a hot cup of coffee. We'd spent about an hour playing twenty questions where, among basic things I discovered his favorite color (orange), his favorite way to be touched (my fingers dragging through his hair) and most overwhelming feeling ("I'm not sure, though I do have affinity for rebellious apathy."). For his recent turn he asked me where my favorite place to be kissed was and he'd used two of his three guesses. I pushed at his chest with my toes before he tickled my heel and I laughed loudly. "Okay, okay. I'll give you a hint: next to the obvious dirty answer it is the one place on my body no one has ever thought to kiss."

His eyes did that spectacular blinking thing and I swear I could see the light bulb going off above his head again. His left hand caressed my jawbone before his thumb lifted my chin, tilting my head back. He made me wait for it, warm pants of air traveled from my cheek, to my clavicle, before he gave the hollow of my throat a lingering kiss. "Here," he stated definitively.

I moaned quietly, gripping his forearm in my hand. "How did you know?"

"It is underestimated, overlooked and perfect. Just as you are." He spoke against my skin in a whisper that sent a chill through my body. "I rather like the idea of being the only one with this knowledge. It feels like mine."

"It's yours. I'm yours. Which I'm not gonna deny makes me uncomfortable, but in an authentic way. If that makes sense."

Max let his fingers roam on my exposed skin. "I haven't done a very good job of emphasizing how much I desire you. Not solely your body, but you, your entire being. I was never fortunate to indulge in the romantic side of things. I want all of you. I want everything."

I chewed on my lip while I processed what he was saying. "I don't know how to give you that. Everything is...a lot. God, I'm the dumbest person around you."

"Not in the least, and it doesn't have to be all at once, Sydney. I desire every part because I am selfish when it comes to you, but I don't mean at one time or even at this specific moment. I think you have this 'All or Nothing' expectation and it can't realistically work that way. There will be times where you feel you need to guard yourself, such as," he bumped his forehead against mine, "such as when I'm travelling so much I may have to go a week or two without so much as a five-minute phone call."

I ran my nails over the skin of my ankle nervously. I really wasn't good at the emotional stuff. "I'm finding it hard to not feel abandoned when you leave. Yes, I know you don't live here, I know you have a million things on your plate and I guess...I guess I don't want to feel like I'm just one more thing you have to deal with out of obligation."

"Where is all this coming from? I've never known you to be anything but exceedingly self-confident."

"Yeah well, I..." A thought struck me, one I'd been pushing down and couldn't quite bring myself to say out loud. "I'm uh, having the big kid feelings. I've never felt them before, it's weird."