After The Affair

Through all of this, Perley sat and watched me as I poured it all out. He had no expression on his face that I could see and I began to get a cold, hopeless feeling. I continued. "I met Jason at the gym and he complimented me on my body and my beauty and everything. I always loved the compliments that you gave me and when Jason said the same things, I was flattered. He was so much younger than me and the fact that I could impress a young man like him was almost magic."

"Jason finally asked me to sleep with him and I agreed. I didn't even think about what it would mean or that what I was doing was wrong. The obsession was there and it took over. I told him yes and we went to the motel. I enjoyed the sex because it was different and I finally knew what the other girls were talking about. I never thought, 'this is better than Perk' or 'Jason is a better lover than Perk' or anything like that. I didn't compare you and Jason because you and I made love. Jason and I had sex. Do you see what I mean? I never thought of you because it was like a different life. I was never going to let you find out about Jason so there was no way you could be hurt. I now realize that it was unrealistic."

I stopped and looked at Perk. He still hadn't responded to anything I had said. I had to make one final attempt.

"I am so sorry about what I did and I wish I had never done it. I never meant to hurt you and I will do everything I can to make it up to you. I love you more today than ever and, if you will forgive me, I would like to begin again. I promise you that I will never let you down again. Can we get past this and go on with our life?" I had done all I could at this point. I had to know what he was thinking.

Perley looked at me with a strange expression on his face. I couldn't tell anything about what he was thinking and he had made no comments during my outpouring. I was going crazy waiting for whatever was to come.

"I can try to answer some of the questions you asked me. I am living in an apartment on the west side of town. It is fully furnished and has everything I need. I instructed my staff to tell you nothing. When the police called, I explained the situation to them and told them I was fine, but that I needed time away from you. They urged me to call you but they couldn't make me." He looked away at this last. His expression was now just a sad one.

"You say you love me more today than ever. I also love you and have always loved you more than I can put into words. You have always been my life and when the children grew and left, I counted on you more and more. I had planned to spend the rest of my life with you and was happy to do so." I was thrilled at the first words he spoke but the last sentence left me concerned.

"Your statement of loving me is difficult for me to understand since what you chose to do to me makes that statement ridiculous. You can't love someone and then do what you did. And let's be honest: you chose to do what you did and you chose to break our wedding vows and you did it voluntarily and you did it over and over. Six times, to my knowledge. That isn't love, or at least not love as I know it." At this last, I tried to interrupt him to make him see that what he said wasn't true. He waved me quiet with a disgusted look on his face.

"You can protest all you want, but you did what you did. It makes no difference what you say: only what I perceive to be true. That is a fact that you forgot. Since I am the wronged party, what I feel is important. What you feel is not!" You can explain all you want. I get to decide how I feel about it and what I want to do about it!" The anger was beginning to show itself. Maybe this was a good thing. If he could get angry, I had a chance.

"In case you were wondering, I have a good friend that is a member of the same gym that you use. He recognized you from the picture I have on my desk at work. You know, the one where you and I went to Jamaica for our second honeymoon? He was going to introduce himself, but noticed that you were spending a lot of time with a young man and that it seemed to be more than simple friendship. He was taking a shower one day after a workout and heard this young man talking to another about a hot housewife and how he was getting into her pants. He actually bragged about screwing you to his friends." Perley stopped at this point and I could see the difficulty he was having holding on to his temper. I was shocked at the thought of Jason bragging about our affair to his friends. It turned the whole thing into a cheap, dirty tryst and me into a whore.

"Once he warned me of what he suspected, I hired a private detective agency that I had used before for work related things and gave them your name and the gym where you worked out and told them the days you went there. That was all it took. They followed you and got pictures of you and your boy toy. They talked with the manager of the motel you visited and informed him that you were married to a very important man and that a sizable reward was in it if he could be sure you were assigned the 'correct room' when you had your next meetings. The clerk always gave them the room number you would be in as soon as shithead made the reservations. They put cameras in the smoke detectors and filmed you on the last three occasions. They got picture and sound."

I remembered the afternoon just past and began to realize at this time that all I had hoped was lost. I had known Perley for over 25 years and I could tell his mood. The mood he was in now was one of total defeat. I could only sit and listen and pray.

"I watched all three tapes and listened to the two of you together. I am so very sorry that I did. If I could have only known what was on them, I would have burned them and never had to endure what I am now going through. I can't forget them. I did burn the first two but the last one was the worst. I kept it even though I never watched it again. It is burned into my memory. I can hear the words you used and I can see you together." There were tears in his eyes now. It broke my heart to look at him and to know that I was the cause of the pain this decent man was in.

"The day that I left, I packed my clothes and things while you were fucking him. That was after seeing the first two videos. I hadn't seen the last one yet. I wanted time away to see if I could forgive what you had done and if my love for you could overcome my anger and pain. I wanted to see if my love could wipe away those images and those words you spoke to him. I thought that maybe I could. Then I saw the last tape; the one from that day that I left. When I watched it, I knew at that instant that I could never forgive you and that I would probably never forget your actions. All of the love for you that I have isn't enough to wipe away the images that I see in my mind every time I see you or think of you."

He rose and walked about the room. "If I don't think of you for awhile, I can have some peace. But when something happens or when I think to myself 'what would Grace say about that' or 'I can't wait to show this to Grace', the pain comes rushing back. I had to get rid of the picture of us I kept on my desk for the last 11 years because all I could see when I looked at it was you on your hands and knees while that bastard fucked you from behind. When you opened the door just a short while ago, what I saw was you fucking and sucking him. When you talk, I hear the words you used to urge him on, to fuck you harder. What I see now when I look at you is a lying, cheating bitch that ruined my life. That is what you gave me in return for 25 years of loving you." The anger was in the open now and it covered the hurt and pain. In spite of the words he used now that were designed to cut and wound me, I welcomed the change because I couldn't see his pain.

"I am filing for divorce. The last 5 months have convinced me that I can't forgive or forget. You will be well taken care of. I will continue spousal support in the amount you are now receiving. You can keep the house and contents and I will continue to make the payments for the mortgage and utilities. If you wish to sell the house, I will give you a power of attorney. If you think any of this isn't fair, have your attorney contact mine to work out the details. I do not intend to punish you in any way. I will tell the children that you and I have just decided to go our separate ways. They know we are separated. I told them that. You can tell them what you wish. I will not reveal your infidelity."

"I still love you and I wish I were a stronger man. I think maybe a better man could forgive. I can't, at least not now. I hope that you can forgive yourself since I believe that I may have been part of the reason you went elsewhere. If I had been more aware of your feelings and more a part of your life, you might not have been able to forget me so completely when it was time to make a decision that affected us as a couple. Even so, the love that I carry for you isn't enough." With this last, Perley turned to the door and left me for the last time. I didn't try to stop him because I had nothing to say that could change anything. I had lost him and that was all there was.

It is interesting that he loves me and I love him and yet we are no longer together. Those who say love conquers all must not know what they are talking about. My love for him couldn't stop me from cheating on him and our marriage. His love for me couldn't give him the strength to forgive me. All of this pain and sorrow for a cheap roll in the hay.

He is wrong about being at fault. He did nothing to justify what I did. I can't justify what I did. All I know is that I will not lie to my children or to myself any more. What I did was wrong and I now will pay the price. I hope he can go on with his life because he deserves to be happy. But for myself, there is only one man that I love and that will never change.

He did say he couldn't forgive me now. Maybe later? If he can ever forgive me, I will be here, waiting for him. If not, I will still be here, living with what I have done.