After The Fact Ch. 03

After the show, I went out for another long walk. I seemed to be doing that a lot lately. I wondered if isolating myself helped me to think clearly or if it might be making it tougher for me to see the big picture. I finally dragged myself home around dawn and left a message that I wouldn't be in to work. I had decided what to do, but didn't feel any better because of the decision.

The appointment was late afternoon. I got to the church office about ten minutes late because of some hang-ups with dropping off Dani. I tried calling to warn Bryan, but it went through to his voice mail. When I arrived, I saw Jenny's car so I hurried to the door. I went inside, but there was no one else in the lobby as usual. When I got to the Bryan's office, something I heard made me stop. I didn't mean to eavesdrop, it just happened so fast.

"Maybe I should just go."

Bryan sounded shocked, "Jenny, you can't mean that."

"He is so upset all the time. I just can't take seeing what I have done to him. I love him more than anything, then I ruined his life. Maybe he's better off if I just went away." Jenny sounded miserable.

"But you don't want that, do you?"

She paused, "No, I want to find a way to fix this mess, but how can you fix something this broken? I don't want to hurt Dani, but if it will help John, I'd be willing to move back to New York and start over again." I heard her voice break as she finished.

"Jenny, I can't tell you what to do, but I strongly urge you to talk to John about any major decisions you make. He might not be in the frame of mind you hoped for, but he is trying. You can't expect him to just put what's happened out of his mind, can you?"

"Bryan, you don't understand. I'm not thinking about doing this because I'm unhappy about how he's treating me. I spent six months trying to find a way to make up for what I did, hoping he'd never have to find out. I knew how horrible it was, but I underestimated how much it would hurt him. I don't think he's ever going to be able to look at me without thinking about what I did. If I can't find a way to make things better for him, then I should go away so he doesn't have to look at me anymore. I just want him to be happy, no matter what it takes. I owe him that."

I didn't want to walk into the middle of that, so I went back to the front door and closed it loudly. As I approached Bryan's office, I started talking loudly so they would know I was there. "Hey guys, sorry I'm late." As I rounded the corner, I saw Jenny facing away from me, wiping her eyes with a tissue.

"Is everything OK?" I tried to sound surprised.

Bryan answered, "Yes, we were just talking about something while we were waiting. Jenny, are you OK to continue?" She nodded.

"Then let's pick up where we left off last week. You two have made a lot of progress dealing with problems related to the separation. Now it's a question of where to go from here. Jenny, what are you hoping to accomplish?"

She was silent for a long time. I thought she was going to beg off because of what I heard outside the office. She looked over at me and surprised me with a very honest answer. "I want John to give me another chance."

Bryan waited for a few moments to see if she'd elaborate, then responded. "Well, that isn't exactly what I had in mind. Why don't you think of a more short-term goal we can work toward while John gives us his answer...John?"

I looked at him, wondering how I should answer. Then I looked at Jenny who had looked away. The way she was sitting made me think she was feeling incredibly alone. She probably expected me to hate her forever, yet she was coming to these sessions. She had answered all my questions truthfully at the park, even when I knew they were humiliating. Whether it was because she hoped I could someday forgive her or because she honestly was willing to do anything to make up for her transgression, I couldn't guess. In the end, her motives weren't important to me.

I looked down to the floor. "I want Jenny to come home."

I waited for a moment before looking up. When I did, I could see the bomb I just dropped had caught both of them by surprise.

Bryan sat back, completely shocked. We had never discussed me even considering reconciliation. As far as he knew, the best result we could hope for would have been an amicable parting so both of us could get on with our lives. Jenny looked at me incredulously like she thought it was a cruel joke. I realized at that moment how deeply I had hurt her.

"Jenny, I love you and I miss you. I know I haven't given you any reason to believe there was a chance for us, but you've still been trying. There's no way to make up for what you did, but if you want to come home and try to start over, I'm willing to do my best to make it work." I paused, and then added, "For us and for Dani." I waited to see what her reaction would be.

She got up from her chair without saying a word, walked in front of me and dropped to her knees. She put her head in my lap and put her arms around my hips, beginning to cry again. I finally stopped fighting the urge to comfort her and gently stroked her hair back with my hand. Finally I stood, pulling her to her feet. I kissed her for the first time in over two months and she melted against me.

After a minute, I gently pushed her back. "There are things we have to talk about first, OK?"

She looked at me with some uncertainty, but nodded.

I looked over to give our 'host' the chance to speak. "Bryan is it OK for me to keep going, or do you have any questions."

He couldn't help but laugh. "John, I think we've had too many of these meetings. That sounds like something I'd say." He indicated we should continue.

"Jenny, I've given it a lot of thought. We have to come up with ground rules that we both agree to. Things are really screwed up and I need things I can count on before we can go forward." As I laid out my requests, she listened intently.

When I finished, she eagerly jumped in. "That's fine; I'll do anything to make it up to you."

Bryan spoke up, "I don't think that's what he wants, is it John?"

"No it's not."

Seeing Jen's puzzled expression, I clumsily tried to explain feelings I didn't fully understand. "I married a strong, self-confident woman who changed my life. I don't want you to come back as someone who's willing to do anything for another chance. I want the woman I married. Think of it like a glass that was broken. If we just tape it together, it will never last and won't make anyone happy. If we take the pieces, melt it down and start over, we can make it strong again. Is that OK Bryan?"

He looked impressed. "Yes, that's actually very insightful. When a couple goes through the kind of situation you've endured, many times the thing that does them in is one spouse trying too hard. The imbalance it creates causes unforeseen problems. The spouse trying to be accommodating can eventually feel unappreciated and resentful. The other spouse can lose respect for someone who is constantly willing to be degraded. The best intentions can cause the worst results."

I took the lead again. "There have to be rules because of what's happened, but they aren't to punish you or test your loyalty. I expect you to suggest your own rules and I fully expect you to hold me to all the ones we both agree to." I couldn't help stroking her cheek with my fingers while I talked. "When we first got together, it took over a year to learn about each other and work out how we should handle things. If we're going to try to start over and do it without taking that kind of time, we need to set up rules that neither of us is allowed to break, for any reason. Hopefully that will give us a place to start from."

Jenny was trying to keep up with everything, but it was obviously difficult. My announcement had been such a shock that she was having trouble following what was being said. I know she'd agree to anything if I'd just give her a chance to make up for what happened, but I needed her to understand that what I was asking was more than that. If I was going to open myself up to her after what she had done, she had to be ready to give this everything she had. It wasn't just because I was worried about getting hurt again; I wasn't going to open Danielle up to another round of this unless we had an agreement that was set in stone.

We spent the rest of the session discussing things we both needed from each other if we were going to attempt this. After we agreed, she went home to tell her family. I stayed for a bit to go over things with Bryan.

"I'm a little concerned about your quick change of heart, John. When you do things on the spur of the moment, it can cause more harm than good in the long run."

"This wasn't spur of the moment. I have been trying to work it out for weeks, but didn't think I could. This week I decided I had to make a decision and stick to it.

Bryan looked like he was trying to understand something. "OK, so you decided to make a decision, but why such a drastic change?"

"I finally realized that in all the time I had known her, Jenny had never acted the way I saw in the video. She dressed sexy, but never slutty. She could have been an exotic dancer if she chose, but had never danced like one, even with me. She never got drunk and rarely passed the point of being a little tipsy. I thought about whom I wanted Danielle to be like when she grew up and there was only one person I could think of...Jenny."

"Something happened down there that she couldn't handle. I still hate what she did, but I don't believe she'll do it again. If I accept that it was a one-time incident, then I have to think about what you said to me about being a victim or a man. Some people would view a man as someone who wouldn't take crap off of anyone and would kick her to the curb, no matter what the consequences. Some would punish her for months or years before considering letting her come back. I decided that for me, being a man meant taking care of my daughter first. She needed Jenny home."

Bryan still didn't look convinced. "But that sounds like you're trying to make everyone else happy. Is this what you want?"

"I don't know how to answer that. None of this is what I want. You're asking me to choose between two miserable things, and then asking which one is less crappy than the other. I do want to fix things with her, but I don't have any idea how long it will take. I don't know if I should do it with her at Nicole's, or if she should be home. I'm not looking forward to the problems we're going to have, knowing that I can't just walk away like I've been doing since she left. In the end, it's just making a decision, then trying to live with the consequences."

He thought for a while before responding. "Well, I can tell you've thought this out John. When you walked in the door the first time, I wouldn't have thought this was a possibility. I'm glad I was wrong. If I had to take a guess, I'd say you're right. She loves you very much, so if you can keep things together long enough to trust each other again, I think you can make it in the long run."

"I hope so, for both of our sakes."

Bryan gave me a serious look. "But now that you've taken charge, I think it's time for us to move on." I looked at him with dismay. "I don't do professional counseling; I just listen and try to help people when I can. I have a very good friend who is an excellent therapist and is very experienced in the kind of troubles you have ahead of you. His name is William and I'm asking you to take Jenny and meet with him. No matter how much you think you have figured out, things will be tough and you don't want it to affect Danielle or ruin what you are trying to accomplish."

When I still didn't appear thrilled, he added, "If it would help, I could have Steve threaten to kick your ass." We both shared a laugh that helped relieve some of the tension. I thanked him for everything he had done as I left and got ready for yet another major challenge.

She moved back that Saturday. It was wonderful for Dani, she and Jenny talked and played for hours. At the end of the night, Danielle insisted that both of us tuck her in. She refused to let Jenny leave and held her hand tightly until she fell asleep. It reinforced my belief that I had done the right thing. I couldn't have asked for a better person to care for my daughter.

Afterwards, Jen and I talked quietly, then went to our separate bedrooms where we'd be staying until we both agreed to change our arrangement. It had been a very mixed homecoming for me. I was ecstatic because of how happy Danielle was. It also made me feel good to see how coming back had such an immediate impact on Jenny. She seemed different, more relaxed immediately. It wasn't as easy for me.

Although I still knew I loved her, being this close without actually being close just reminded me of how fucked up everything had become. If it was just the two of us, I'd just avoid her until I was ready, but something like that would be painfully obvious to my daughter. I just smiled and tried to enjoy seeing Dani back to normal.

It went that way for three weeks. Jenny was very respectful of my feelings. She didn't make any effort to push me, but she let me know that she was ready if I wanted to talk, or anything else.

We started seeing William the first week Jenny came back. He was good at his job, but I didn't feel the kind of connection I had with Bryan. He liked to talk about our feelings and do exercises that were supposed to help us see things from each other's point of view. I tried not to be obstinate, but I felt like it was a waste of time.

The fourth week, I think Jenny was getting a little frustrated at my lack of warming to her. I started noticing her dressing a little sexier around the house and she touched my arm or leg every chance she got. It was pleasant, but very little had changed in my mind. It seemed like I was stuck. I felt more comfortable around her than when she first came back, but I didn't have any desire to touch her. There were three more weeks of nothing changing when she finally demanded that we talk.

"John, I'm starting to get worried. I'm grateful that you asked me to come back and I'll wait as long as you need, but I don't feel like you really want me here." She looked at me like she was trying to read my thoughts.

My eyes evaded hers, "I wouldn't have asked you to come home if I didn't want you here."

Evidently, my acting wasn't very good. "Please honey, there is something bothering you and I want you to talk to me about it. How are we ever going to get past all of this if we don't talk about everything that's bothering us? It's one of our rules, no secrets. You wanted me to come back and fight for our marriage, well now you get your wish. You aren't going anywhere until you tell me what's wrong." She put her hands on her hips in defiance and I knew she wasn't going to let me off the hook.

I had decided before I invited her back not to tell her about David or the tape. I didn't think it was necessary to make her live with that knowledge and I thought I would be alright. Now I realized it had been in my mind every time I thought about us getting closer. Now that I was on the spot, I didn't have time to think and it just spilled out.

I told her everything about meeting David, hearing his version of the story and seeing the video. I told her that it didn't just happen; Megan had planned the whole thing before they ever left. Finally, I told her about destroying the tape when I couldn't watch anymore.

"I swear I haven't been holding it against you, Jen. I just haven't been able to get those things out of my head."

She stared at me in disbelief. I saw her lower lip quiver and knew she was able to completely break down. I was immediately sorry that I had told her. She pushed past me and ran up the stairs, ignoring my pleas to stop. I heard the bedroom door slam shut. Although I tried to coax her out of the room for hours, she completely ignored me. I called her Mom, who had been watching Danielle today and asked if she could stay overnight. I told her that Jenny and I had a fight, but not to worry.

Jenny didn't come out all night. I fell asleep on the couch waiting for her. When I woke up the next morning, I had a blanket around me. Confused, I wondered how it got there. I stretched and tried to work the kinks out of my neck when I felt something with my leg. I looked down and saw Jenny curled up on the couch in front of me, using my leg as a pillow. I looked at her sleeping, eyes swollen from crying and wanted to make her feel better somehow.

I quietly slipped off the couch and into the kitchen, where I made breakfast and coffee. When it was finished, I brought it into the living room and put it down in front of her. I gently shook her shoulder until her eyes opened. It took her a second to focus, then she sat up quickly and pulled herself into my arms.

She talked in a trembling voice. "I'm sorry that you had to go through all that because of what I did. I thought I had already hurt you as much as possible until yesterday. It must have been terrible for you to go through that by yourself. I don't know what else to say," she started sobbing again, "I'm just so sorry."

"That's enough for now," I scolded. "I went to all the trouble of making breakfast, I expect you to eat every bite." When she looked at me like she was going to protest, I firmly told her that she had to take care of herself or that I would, so I just fed her like I would have done with my daughter. When she started eating on her own, I slid behind her and rubbed her neck and shoulders. There was so much tension; I wondered how she could have slept at all.

When she finished, I took the dishes to the kitchen while she went up and showered. She came down afterward and told me it was my turn, that I smelled like the couch. I laughed as I headed up the stairs. The hot water felt good as I tried to stretch out from sleeping uncomfortably all night. I took my time and my thoughts drifted to breakfast. I thought about how she felt, leaning against me as I massaged her shoulders. I remembered how good it felt as my hands ran across her neck and down her back...

I realized with a smile that I actually had an erection, the first one I could remember in weeks. It wasn't just a random reaction; I really felt the desire to go to her. I knew this wouldn't be the right day to approach her about sex, so I closed my eyes thinking about how warm she felt on the couch and masturbated. It felt really good to be thinking of her while touching myself.

I made a vow that the next time the situation presented itself; I would try to tactfully bring up us finally consummating her homecoming. It was a little bit of a dilemma because I wasn't sure if I should do something romantic, or if I should keep it low-key. I didn't want to make a big deal out of it and make her feel pressured. After yesterday's events, I thought she might be a little timid about doing anything physical for a while. It didn't matter; she had let me know she was ready for weeks, patiently waiting for me. It would be easy for me to do the same.

I got out of the shower and dried myself off, feeling markedly better. I brushed my teeth, shaved, put on deodorant and even splashed on cologne. Today would be a great day to take her out and do something special. We could pick up Dani afterward and do something as a family. My mood just continued to pick up as I planned the day. I had it all figured out and was ready to surprise her.

I opened the door and saw Jen, sitting on my bed in her sexiest teddy. "Surprise!" she said a little nervously.

After not having sex for two months, my first thought was that I was glad that I had taken the edge off in the shower. My second thought was "Oh shit, I just jerked off!" After only getting one erection in three weeks, I hoped that wouldn't be a problem.