Aftermath

"Why do you keep washing your hands all the time? You aren't dirty."

Dawn spun towards him, "What did you say?"

Nonplussed, he replied, "I said, why do you keep washing your hands all the time? You aren't dirty."

Dawn gave him a strange look and said, "Yes, I am," and continued at the sink.

Marcus was angry now, he rushed across and grabbed her wrists and forced Dawn's hands in front of her face.

"Look at them!" he roared, "They are so clean they're fucking shining!"

Dawn was shocked at his sudden temper and all she could do was look at her hands tightly held in place in front of her. Then she slowly looked at Marcus, she could feel tears welling up, she couldn't stop herself, "No. They're dirty. I can see it. How can you look at me like this? After everything."

She pulled free and turned her back on him covering her face with her hands.

Marcus could barely make out her words as she said, "I hate this. I don't think I'll ever be clean again."

Just as suddenly as he was angry, Marcus was ashamed of his outburst, he reached out to lay a comforting hand on her shoulder. As soon as she felt his touch, she jumped and pulled away shouting, "Don't touch me! Leave me alone!"

She ran sobbing from the room, upstairs to the bedroom, slammed the door behind her and threw herself on the bed.

Marcus could only stand there and listen to Dawn sobbing. His heart was breaking. She was in such pain, he only wanted to help and did nothing except make things worse. He felt so helpless that frustration had made him lash out at her.

He sat down heavily and put his head in his hands, "Christ! What's happening to us?"

[click]

"Maria Brown counselling. Time, 09:30. Date 22 September. Session one. Mr Marcus MacKenzie."

"Why are you recording this?"

"Just makes it easier to make notes. You don't mind I hope?"

"No, go ahead. Probably won't be much to record anyway."

"Why do you say that?"

"Well, what do I need counselling for?"

"You tell me."

"Eh? Well nothing, of course. I wasn't attacked."

"I know. But your wife was... How do you feel about that?"

[Short pause]

"What sort of stupid question is that?"

"Is it a stupid question?"

"Of course it is! How do you think I feel about it?"

"I don't know. That's why I asked."

"I'm blazing fucking mad about it that's what!"

"Why?"

"Oh come on!"

"Marcus. Please believe me when I tell you that I'm not trying to wind you up. You're angry and frustrated I can see that. Trust me, I'm a professional, we're trained to spot these things."

[Bark of humourless laughter.]

"Well you're doing a damn good job of winding me up."

"How? I only asked a simple question."

"No. You asked a fucking stupid question."

"Okay then, let's try another tack. When you first saw your wife at the hospital. What went through your mind?"

"Are you real? That's a damn silly question as well... Okay then I'll play your games, but only because Dawn wants me to. This is all a waste of time if you ask me."

[A short pause.]

"Rage! That's what went through my mind. Pure, naked rage."

"And who was it directed towards?"

"Wha...?"

"Your rage. Who were you angry at?"

"Why, the bastard who... did what he did to Dawn. Who the fuck else?"

"I don't know. You tell me."

"I am... not following you at all, right now."

"Well, you said you were enraged. Are you sure it was just at the attacker? Or were you angry at yourself as well?"

[A long pause.]

"No... I don't know."

"Or perhaps, Dawn."

"WHAT?"

"It is not unknown for the partner of a rape victim to be angry at her for what happened."

"If you were a man, I'd punch your face in for saying that! How could I be angry at Dawn? That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard... When I found out what had happened and when I saw her for the first time, I thought I was going to faint."

[sniff]

"I mean, I saw her in that bed all... I felt like my heart had been ripped out... I should have been there to protect her. It wouldn't have happened if I'd been there."

"So, you were angry at yourself."

"Not 'were', I still am. I hate myself. I had... thoughts."

"Like what?"

"I can't. If I tell you about them, you'll think I'm as bad as that bastard that did this!"

"Okay then. Shall I take a guess? How about this... You wonder if she led him on in some way."

"NO!"

"Okay, what about, did she actually enjoy it?"

"STOP IT! FUCKING STOP IT!"

"Was he better than you?"

"SO HELP ME, IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP I WILL HIT YOU!"

"Or were you enraged because Dawn is yours? He took something that belonged to you and spoiled it."

[Extended silence.]

Barely audible, "Yes."

"Yes to which one."

"All of them."

"I see. And how do you feel about that now?"

"I hate myself. I despise myself for thinking those things. I didn't want to, you know. I just couldn't help it."

Barely understandable, "Dawn was tortured and raped and beaten and all I can think about is how bad I feel... What I've lost."

"It's a perfectly understandable reaction. And a very normal one."

"Is it?"

"Oh yes. I know that you don't seriously consider those thoughts, even when they are foremost in your mind. I've seen the same reaction many times... Far too many times. But they will pass. You will get over them."

"How can I? You don't know the guilt, the shame, the anger. I just want to go out in my car and find him and kill him. I want him to suffer. I want him to understand the enormity of his crime... and then beat him to death."

"That too is very normal. I don't expect you to believe me at the moment, but these feelings of guilt will pass."

[click]

The couple decided to have a nice meal. Marcus cooked a couple of his special steaks and set up a romantic candlelit table. A nice bottle of wine chilled in the cooler and Marcus was wearing a collar and tie.

There was no particular reason for it. He just felt it was about time they tried to get some normality back in their lives after the trauma of the past couple of months. He was actually quite nervous. He knew that Dawn was upstairs putting on one of her nice evening frocks. It would be the first time in far too long that he would see her in something other than shapeless clothing that hid her figure or at night, her large terry-towelling nightie.

The door opened and Dawn apprehensively entered the room.

"Well?" she asked in a quiet voice, "How do I look?"

Her hair had been tidied up by the local hairdresser as best she could. It was now cropped quite close to her skull. She was wearing a light application of make up. Nothing fancy, just a hint of blusher to highlight her cheekbones and a delicate, almost unnoticeable enhancement to her eyes. But it made a difference. She was wearing a knee-length cocktail dress in midnight blue that was held up with thin straps over her shoulders.

Also, she was barefoot. The only shoes she had that went with the dress pinched her toes, so if she had ever gone out in it, the shoes came off under the table at every opportunity. Seeing as they were eating at home this evening, she decided to leave them off all together.

Marcus stared at her. For the first time in far too long he was seeing the woman he loved as she should be. Pretty and sweet smelling with a hint of Channel No. 18. The bruises on her body had faded, as had her black eye and lip. But there were still scars, he knew that. Deep scars that would not fade so easily.

Finally he said, "I think you look good enough to eat."

Dawn dimpled and made a small curtsey.

Marcus helped her into her chair and then disappeared into the kitchen, returning with one very well done steak and one medium-rare. As her meal was set before her, Dawn took a deep breath, "Mmmm. That smells good."

He opened the wine and poured each of them a generous portion before sitting down to his own meal and said, "Dig in."

Dawn put a forkful of steak in her mouth and chewed slowly with her eyes closed.

"Heaven," she murmured, "Just the way I like it."

Marcus shuddered and said, "I said it before and I'll say it again: Cows should not be cremated. I'm sure there's something about it in the Bible."

She smiled, even though she had heard the remark many times before. Marcus suddenly said, "Oops, forgot something."

He stood up and crossed the room to the hi-fi. A flick of the switch and the room was filled with the mellow sounds of a tape of romantic instrumental hits from the 50's and 60's. He adjusted the volume so it was just right for nice background music and then sat back down to continue his meal.

They ate in silence for a while and then he spoke again, "I've really missed this."

Dawn smiled around her food. Chewed, swallowed and replied, "Me too. I think we should do it more often. I'll even help with the washing up."

"Actually, you won't. You really do not want to see the kitchen at the moment."

Again, she smiled. Marcus was loving this. She had smiled more in twenty minutes than she had in the past couple of months.

The leisurely meal finished, they were drinking the last of the wine when Dawn said, "Hey, my favourite. Stranger on the shore."

She stood up and held out her hand, "Dance with me."

Marcus took her proffered hand, it felt cool and soft and it was tiny nestled in his palm. He allowed her to draw him to his feet and placed her other hand on his shoulder, shivering only slightly as he placed his fee hand on her waist. He looked into her eyes a she looked into his and they slowly started moving together. Not really a dance, merely rhythmic swaying to the gentle tones of Acker Bilk's clarinet.

Without conscious thought, they drew closer together. Dawn nestled her head on his shoulder - it was easy as he was a good seven or eight inches taller than she was - and closed her eyes. She felt his hands slide around her as they moved and he rested his cheek on the top of her head. Dawn felt a tremor of apprehension in her chest when she was enclosed, but she fought it down. This wasn't like then. This was different, this was the man she loved and she wanted to be here, in his arms. But still, she could feel the bitter taste of fear.

"No!" she thought to herself, "I am not scared. I'm safe here. I want to be here. I want him."

And as she repeated the words inside her head, almost like a mantra, she started to believe them.

As for Marcus, he wasn't thinking much at all except, "I'm holding her. She's letting me hold her."

Another voice whispered to him, "Holding her like you should have been when she needed you?"

"No! That's not fair! It wasn't my fault. It wasn't her fault. It just happened. It happened and we have to deal with it. I don't want to think about that now, I just want to hold her."

Dawn pulled her head from his shoulder and looked into his face, "I love you, Marc," she whispered.

He didn't reply, he lowered his head a placed a light kiss on her soft lips. Dawn gazed into his eyes for a moment and then closed her own, her lips parted slightly as she waited for him to repeat the action.

He did.

And again.

Dawn's cools fingers found their way to the back of his head and pulled him down for another kiss, holding him in place so she could return it with equal loving tenderness. She could feel heat rising inside her. A feeling that she thought she might never feel again.

Marcus was in seventh Heaven. Dawn's sweet perfume was intoxicating, but it was as nothing next to the sweetness of her lips and the feel of her soft warmth in his hands. Slowly he started rubbing up and down her spine as his tenderness increased in fervour. He allowed his fingers to slide around her torso and gently brush the side of her breast.

Dawn felt his hand move onto her breast. And she felt it change, it was no longer a gentle, loving hand, it was a cruel hand, a spiteful hand that was going to grab her flesh and squeeze it until she cried out in pain. Her eyes shot open and she looked into the face of a stranger. The lips against hers no longer tasted sweet. They tasted bitter, like tobacco.

She pushed him away roughly and watched as the stranger's hate filled face swam and changed back into that of her husband. He looked shocked and hurt. And all she could say was, "I'm sorry... I can't."

Dawn wept as Marcus' arms enclosed her once again and he held her.

Thoughts raced through his mind as he held his quietly weeping wife, "God, I want her so much! Why won't she let me? Am I not good enough any more? Was he better? Does she want him instead of me? What am I thinking? What sort of a fucking animal am I? I just want to grab her and take her! No! No I don't, I'm not like that. Yes I am, oh my God, what's happening to me? You bastard! If I ever find you I'll kill you! You've taken something from me and I want it back!"

And Marcus was filled with burning shame as he held Dawn and tried to comfort her even as he couldn't comfort himself.

[click]

"Maria Brown counselling. Time, 13:35. Date 5 January. Session five. Mrs Dawn MacKenzie... Is Marcus here as well?"

"Yes, he's waiting outside."

"Right. So, how are you today?"

"Fine thanks."

"Really?"

"Yes."

[fast forward]

"It is getting better... I think."

"In what way."

"Well, we had a romantic dinner at home, he cooked."

"Sounds good so far, however I sense a 'but' coming up."

"What do you mean?"

"You said 'It's getting better... I think.' Do you want to talk about it?"

"It was a nice dinner at home, just the two of us. I had a nice time."

"Except..."

"Except nothing, I had a lovely time. We ate, we talked and we had a slow dance."

[Extended silence.]

"Oh alright! We tried to... to... be intimate."

"I assume it wasn't a success."

"No it bloody wasn't! I mean, I wanted to, I did, I really did. But when it came down to it, I couldn't."

"Why was that?"

"You know why. The same thing happened as always happens. I know it's not him but I can't do anything about it. I just, I just can't do it."

"I think you're wrong."

"What are you talking about?"

"Oh I agree, you feel unable to accept any sort of physical intimacy at the moment, but you will. It just takes time."

"Do you think I don't want to? I do. And I know Marcus does too. He must think I don't love him anymore."

"Why do you say that?"

"Well... I can't, you know."

"Have sex with him?"

"Yes."

"So what does he do?"

"What do you mean?"

"Does he get angry? Irritated?"

"Yes. He tries to hide it, but I know he is. He must be very frustrated, I just... This is killing me! I hate it, I hate it that I can't have sex with him. I feel like I'm driving him away."

"And you think he might stop loving you."

"Yes."

"I am forced to disagree. You know I've had some long talks with him."

"Of course."

"Do you ever speak to each other about these sessions?"

"Well, no actually."

"Why not?"

"I don't know... It just never occurred to us to talk about them."

"So, you tell me, a relative stranger your deepest thoughts. But you don't share them with the man you purport to love."

"That's not fair! I do love him."

"And he loves you."

"I don't know any more."

"Think about this. If he didn't love you would he still be around?"

[fast forward]

[sounds of crying]

"It is getting better you know."

"How can you tell?"

"Well, think about it. What happened when he first tried to touch you?"

"I couldn't stand it. I tried to hurt him."

"Yes... But you told me earlier that you had a dance with him. I assume you were quite close together when you did."

"Of course."

"Touching?"

[A short laugh]

"Stupid question. We were dancing."

"And how did it feel? The dancing I mean, not the..."

"It was good. I liked it... I see what you mean."

"Like I said. It is getting better, it just takes small steps."

[fast forward]

"So Marcus, I understand you had a romantic dinner."

"Did Dawn tell you about that?"

"Yes. How was it for you?"

"What do you think? It was great."

"She also told me that you both got, how shall I put it, a little frisky?"

"Humph. Well. That could have turned out better."

"Why don't you tell me about it?"

"I thought you said Dawn already talked about it."

"She did. But I'd like to hear your thoughts."

"Well, we tried, it didn't work. End of story."

"How did you feel about that?"

"Honestly?"

"Yes."

"I hated it. I mean, I wanted to make love, but when I touched her she pushed me away."

"Where did you touch her?"

[Pause]

"Are you getting some sort of thrill out of this?"

"You know better than that."

"Yes of course, I'm sorry. I touched her breast."

"And..."

"I told you, she pushed me away."

"How did that make you feel? Angry? Hurt?"

"No, not angry, at least not with Dawn. Disappointed more than anything."

"Disappointment, understandable. But you said angry but not at Dawn, so who were you angry at?"

"Erm. Him! And don't ask who him, you know who!"

"Is that all?"

"No. I was angry at myself."

"Why?"

"I... I had those thoughts again. But it was worse this time."

"In what way?"

"I wanted to just do it. Have sex."

"You mean you thought about just ignoring Dawn's needs and having sex with her."

Barely audible, "Yes."

[Extended silence.]

"How could I? How could I think something like that? I'm no better than the man who raped her."

"Yes, you are. You're a much better man."

"How can you say that after what I just told you?"

"It's obvious. You wanted sex. You thought about forcing yourself on her."

"Yes."

"But you didn't, did you? You wanted to, but you didn't. That's the difference between you and him. You automatically put her needs before your own."

"I never thought of that."

"Anyway, it is a normal reaction in a man when excited to think like that, especially since you have not been intimate for so long. You wanted to reclaim her... Men are the way they are, just like women are the way they are... How long has it been since you had sex, if you don't mind me asking?"

"I don't mind. We last had sex a few days before the attack. I haven't even seen her naked since, except that one time in the bath."

"I see. So, it has been several months since you had sex. You must be quite frustrated."

"You don't know the half of it."

"And yet... You still respect her wish to keep you at a distance. Perhaps you should think about that."

[click]

It was coming up to Marcus' birthday and Dawn still couldn't think of anything to get him. He was so hard to buy for. When asked what he wanted, he always said the same thing, "I already have everything I need, just give me a card and a kiss."

But she knew that was no longer true. He did need something.

Her.

And she wanted him just as much, but it was so hard. Whenever he came too close, stepped inside the boundaries she pushed him away, much as she hated it she couldn't help herself. Dawn felt she was losing him. Their relationship had settled down over the past months to be more like brother and sister, than man and wife. The more she thought about it, the more she felt the need to do something. But what? What could she do?

She had an idea.

It was distasteful to her, no not distasteful, that was the wrong word. Scary perhaps, but distasteful, no. However, it was something that she had to do.

She had to do it, not Marcus. The onus was on her as it had to be. She couldn't rely on him for what she had to do. It was her battle, he could help and support her, but she had to fight the war. After all, hadn't he been supporting her all this time?

But what if she couldn't do it? What if she tried and just couldn't? It could do more harm than good. No! What could be worse than how things were now? Some of her steel returned, some of her former self asserted itself. She would do it! Even though it might be painful for her. Oh yes, it could be painful, but she would do it!