Aftermath

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"What?" exclaimed her parents. With one son announcing he was gay last year and the other having too much fun being single to settle down, they'd put all of their grandchildren hopes in Cindy. Now they saw those dreams of grandkids going down the drain.

"Well not immediately. I wanted to wait at least 10 years. He wanted to wait oh, till the honeymoon to start trying. I wanted a few 'fun' years. He wanted to start right then so we could enjoy them. So we compromised and said we would..." Cindy started to cry, " We said we would start next year. Then I had to go and try to have Ricky's...oh God."

Thomas gently held his child as both he and his wife digested the news that the reason they didn't have the grandchildren yet they wanted wasn't because of their son-in-law, but their loving child. And that she was trying to have one with her lover.

"Oh Jesus, thank you....", moaned Cindy.

"Honey?" Thomas pulled Cindy up and looked at her, "What?"

"Thank the Lord I wasn't knocked up. I don't think I would have been able to keep Kevin. He's against abortion, and I know he wouldn't want to raise another man's baby. Even if I said I would give it away, I don't think we could have made it nine months."

Cindy grabbed a tissue from a well-used box next to the couch before continuing.

"As for me working, I'm not like you, Mother. I can't be sitting on committees and talking about the town flowerbeds and such. I wanted to work. He was against it. I won out but had to promise to stay part time. But you are right. He wanted to live away from you all. But he wanted to be in Langsfield, over an hour way. I wanted the Hassel house next to ours. Buthe compromised and said if we could find a house here, then we would live in this town. I wish I had agreed, we could talk then...we could work things out. Before I met Carol."

Martha sat back stunned to discover Kevin wanted mostly what she did. She secretly wanted to live in Langsfield, but knew that in her hometown she was a big fish. There she wouldn't be. Her son-in-law wanted for her daughter what she did. Then it struck her. That was the first time she ever thought of him as her son-in-law. For only the fifth time in her life she was humbled. The other times were the birth of her children and when Thomas had asked her to be his bride.

"He'll do good in that job, he's a good manager of people," Thomas stated, breaking the silence. "Honest, loyal...way too loyal."

"Unlike me, unlike his so called LOVING WIFE right, Daddy," accused Cindy.

"No, it's not like that hon. I-"

"You want to see it? You want to see the tape? I still have a copy in the garage. Want to see your innocent daughter fucking a guy she picked up on the street like a two-dollar whore while telling him he was so much better then her husband. Her loving, caring...." tears clogged Cindy's throat, stopping her rant.

"No ...I just can't...I can't figure him out. Why would he stay? I know you hurt him. It had to. If your mother had ever done that..." Thomas looked at a stunned Martha, " I couldn't stay. You talk of his revenge. I wonder that too. I wonder what he is going to go to get back at you, at that girl, at that guy."

"What do you mean dear?" Martha asked.

"His pride has been hurt. His manhood, his ...everything! But what does he do? Does he ruin Carol? Does he run Cindy's name into the ground? Do the police find this, this, gigolo piece of garbage laying in a gutter beaten to a pulp? No. He just slowly, and surely proves his innocence then...nothing. It's the wait. It's killing me. What is he going to do? A man has to have revenge. He has to make it even. But nothing...for a while I thought...." he voice trailed off, knowing he'd said too much.

"What Daddy? What? Please tell me...." pleaded Cindy.

"For a while I thought he would get back at you like you where 'trying' to get back at him. So I had him followed. Nothing for a few days then, then he went to a bar. Got some drinks talked to some regulars. Then ... nothing. He went home."

"Bailey's. He went to Bailey's. Susan, her husband Andy and him used to go there a few times a week."

"Yes Bailey's. Nice place." Thomas cleared his throat, " So I thought he was just waiting for the right gal. So I, ah, found her."

"What?" both women exclaimed.

"It's a service of the agency I was using. To see in if the husband is cheating. Nice girl. A tall sexy blonde. She went to the bar. Sat next to him and hit on him.... nothing. I don't even think he noticed. So the next night she tried again. This time she was even more overt. Strike two. So, last Friday, they ...they had another detective point out to him that she was hitting on him. He promptly told her that he was married. And then he left. Oh there was more...she tried, I mean really tried but he would have any of it. I heard the tape and saw some hidden footage they had. I can't...I really can't believe it."

Everyone sat back, thinking over the things that they had learned. For Martha that was the birth of respect for Kevin. And a feeling of sadness when she realized how close his marriage with Cindy was to being over. Thomas still couldn't believe even his own tale. The words of the girl echoed in his mind: "He's one of the last good ones, sir. If your daughter and him divorce, I might have to quit my job. Men like that don't come around the bend any more."

For Cindy, her father's story only reinforced the pain. A small part of her wanted him to slip. To have him get even with her. Then they might be able to move on. But right now all they do is hurt each other. She had to pin her hopes on Thursday. Hope that it will be the start of real healing.

Martha was the first to speak, "Honey if you need anything, anything at all."

"Anything dear, just ask us," finished her father. They looked at each other and knew that everything had changed. Regret for them both, regret for their misplaced anger at Kevin. Regret for never giving him a chance.

But none of them had to more regret than Cindy over her actions. And the words that she uttered just a few minutes ago keep echoing in her head:

"Before I met Carol."

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Thursday

"Today is last day of my marriage as it was," Cindy told herself in the mirror. She had gotten off work early to come home and freshen up. "Today we either start to repair the damage I caused ... or ... " the thought caused her to shiver. She had tried to seduce him earlier in the week; the only result had been silence. She could feel her heart die a little more each day as the gulf between them widened.

She glanced at the clock and noticed that it was getting close to the appointment. She headed out the door.

"Will he even show up? Can he forgive me? Did I hurt him so bad?" These questions rolled through her brain.

As she pulled into the lot, a feeling of relief flooded her being as she spied her husband's car.

"Ok one down.... how many more to go?"

Kevin exited his car when she pulled up.

"You are almost late, we can go right in. I came earlier and filled out all the paperwork."

"Thank you, Kevin."

He came earlier! He is really trying! He wants to try! These thoughts brought light to her heart as she followed Kevin up to the counselor's office.

Inside they just had to wait a few minutes before seeing the counselor. First Cindy went in. She was apprehensive at first but Mr. Chamberlain reassured her that he just wanted to get her side of the story first. So there are no arguments.

With pain and some humiliation she told her tale to the stunned man.

"Ah... well. That is quite a tale."

"It's not a tale, sir. It's my horrible life."

"Now, now, let's not have talk like that. I don't mean to trivialize your pain. That came out wrong."

Mr. Chamberlain then met with Kevin alone. Cindy sat in the reception area wondering what they where saying. Just as dread started to overcome her the door opened and she was motioned inside.

"So ... " Cindy began, the fear apparent in her voice.

"I have to admit," the therapist confessed, "I have never seen anything like this before in my career. The two of you have some serious problems."

Cindy began to tear up.

"But, the fact that neither of you have moved out of the house, and the fact that you are here gives me hope. Hope that maybe we can get you two back to a loving relationship."

"Like before? " Cindy asked filled with hope. She glanced at her husband to see him...deflated. Dejected. The glow that she felt at the doctor's news began to fade as she saw what she has done to this loving man.

"No, your marriage will never be like it was. The damage is too much. But we can reforge it. Make it new."

At least some hope still exists, Cindy thought to herself.

"Now I would like to have one session with each of you alone next week before our appointment next Thursday if that is ok with the two of you."

To Cindy's surprise they replied "ok" simultaneously.

The doctor smiled at them. "Good. You can make your appointments with my secretary."

Next Tuesday.

"Why don't you go to him?" the doctor asked. "Open up and tell him everything, try to console him?"

Cindy had just spent the last hour telling him in detail all that has gone on in the past several months.

"I don't kn ... No, I do. I felt pain. I know that I hurt him and I didn't know how to fix it."

"It's possible that you won't be able to 'fix it', just learn to live within the new rules that the two of you will make in your relationship."

"What? But I have to fix it. I have to make it up to him!"

The doctor took his glasses off with a sigh. "Cindy. Kevin is hurt because you have done things with another man that you wouldn't with him. All the while telling the other man he was better than your husband."

"But he wasn't. Kevin is a fantastic lover! And those things ... I will gladly do them with Kevin, I want to!"

"Cindy where you a virgin when you married?"

"No, we couldn't seem to wait with each other but Kevin was my first and only until...."

"And Kevin?"

"The same...but people live with others having had lovers before they got married all the time!"

"But you didn't have one before Kevin."

His words cut through Cindy like a knife.

"Think about it. Everything he might have wanted to try ... you did with this Ricky. He was your first. And you vocally showed your pleasure.If he ever does those things to you, how will he know that you are enjoying it? That you aren't acting?"

"But I will enjoy it. It will be with Kevin."

"He's concerned that he's not as experienced as your lover was and he will make mistakes."

"I can teach hi ... " Suddenly it struck her. She shouldn't be teaching her husband about these things. Shouldn't be showing him how to please her. They should be learning these things together. Now they never would.

This loss weighed on Cindy's heart.

"He's hurt. He doesn't want to take up from what Ricky taught you. He doesn't want to 'benefit' from your actions. In his mind he will never be as good as Ricky. Because if he was, you would have done those things with him."

The doctor leaned back in his chair.

"And how will he ever know that he is pleasing you? You can lie. Women fake orgasms all the time. And you are so desperate to get him back, to fix things, that you will do anything for him. Even do things that you had denied him. Even if you really don't want to do them with him."

This thought revolved around her mind.

"Does he think that I will do these things just because I have to keep him? Not because I want to?"

"That is an excellent question for Kevin. I really can't answer that. But you have to ask yourself: How would you feel in his place?"

Cindy didn't want to think of that.... the thought was poison to what remained of her sanity.

------------------------------------

That Wednesday

"Do you love her?"

Now that was a simple question. If you had asked Kevin Brock this question months ago his answer would have come quickly and with force. Today when the Doctor asked him ...he took his time.

"Ye ... yes."

"You hesitated."

"I had ... I had to make sure I still did. Even after what happened I do. But the pain, the pain makes that hard to see."

"She's in pain too."

"Not like me. She just has guilt and fear. I have pain."

"Why do you say that?"

"She did something wrong, really wrong. And she knows that. She wants us to stay together but she thinks she's going to lose me. That's why she tries so hard."

"Do you want her to try?"

"I want my wife, not some one who walks on eggshells around me. I want the woman who would fight me over editorials in the newspapers and call me a dumbfuck for my views. I want someone who says she will fix me a special diner and I get hot dogs from the local church bake sale. That's who I want."

"That's who we are trying to get here too."

"I hope so."

"Do you two talk anymore? I mean really talk. I find it hard to believe that you could do those things that you did and not tell her about it."

"Untilshe came to live with us, we talked. We talked all the time. Talked about everything. We used to talk to each other in bed. Just little things like what flowers we wanted in the backyard or trying to figure out whose kid knocked the stop sign at the end of the street down again. Now don't get me wrong we didn't always agree. In fact most of the time there was a difference of opinion but ... we did talk."

"And then...?"

"But then she moved in and we never had the time. It was always Carol this and Carol that. When I tried to talk about other things Cindy got mad at me. Said I was 'trivializing' Carol's pain. I just wanted to talk about something else besides Carol. Then work picked up.... heavy. So I threw all the time I could into it. Why not? I have nothing to do at home."

A pause grew between them. With a clearing of the throat, the doctor asked another question.

"What about your sex life?"

"What sex life?"

Another simple statement, this one said with no emotion, though it should have been full of it.

"Can you explain?"

"I haven't had sex in months. Fourteen months. That's how long my sex life has been hell. That's when she moved in. I even asked her to. I thought I was being nice. Then, she never left. We couldn't have sex because when Cindy is," his eyes burned with anger, "when she is being penetrated she is very, very vocal. So it had slowed to a trickle before ... she found her lover..."

"A dreadful mistake she's admitted she regrets."

"Yeah right, and nothing since."

"But she's tried."

"Yeah, tried to show me her new tricks."

"You have some major pain over this."

"Are you sure you're the doctor and not an intern? Because I think the man on Mars knew that too. Look she went out and got a better lover. A man who could do to her what I couldn't do and still can't. The only thing I can thank God for is that we are endowed the same. If he had a large ..." his words drifted off.

"You're very passive about all of this."

"Not passive.... shutting down. It like ... it's like I can't seem to get moving. I have no passion, no desire any more. It getting hard to feel any more."

Kevin cleared his throat then continued. "You know the worse part. The images. I can actually block out her voice in my mind. I can stop her from saying how great he is and how horrible I am. Her groans and her screams. I can't block out her face. How she looks when he took her in the a...." his voice stumbles, "when she looked into the camera she sucked on him. When she let him use her like she told me only whores let men use them."

"Then a few nights ago...." he choked out over tears that are beginning to form, "we started.... for the first time since. I tried to do my best. Tried to be better than him. Tried to be.... Then she looked at me ... with those eyes... using what she learned from.... I...."

Dr. Chamberlain let Kevin compose himself before he asked his next question.

"Have you thought of revenge?"

Kevin laughed, the first laugh the Doctor had ever heard from him.

"On who and how perchance do you suggest I do so? How must I get even with this Ricardo guy? Hell he was just given the keys to the kingdom and took it. There are times in my life if a hot chick had come up to me and said, 'I want you to fuck my brains out.' I would have, no questions asked. He was a pawn. No blame can be set at his footsteps."

"What about Carol?"

"Oh what can I do? Write her name and number on every bathroom stall from here to Texas? She gave Cindy the tools to dig the grave we are in. But Cindy made the choice."

"Ok, Cindy then?"

Kevin looked at the doctor bewildered.

"Haven't you learned anything here? Revenge doesn't fix things. It just makes you feel better temporarily. I don't care about feeling better... I just want my marriage back"

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Couples session, three weeks later

"Look Kevin, Cindy is saying she doesn't think you're were a bad lover. She never did."

"He's right honey. I ... I just ... I was caught in trying to hurt you and I know I did. I was wrong. Oh so wrong and if I could change it all, I would."

"Yeah, to keep it secret," Kevin replied sarcastically.

"Kevin Brock that's a lie and you know it! "

Cindy's anger flared, she could not believe that he thought she still wanted to be with Ricky. But when he said that he didn't know if he could satisfy her anymore, that cut her to the bone. And to hear his reason why... she could not let him think this. Not anymore.

"Look I did things I am ashamed of with him. There I said it. Yes I am ashamed. I should have done those things only with you. I should have been with you only. WE should have learned not only what I like but what you like as well. But we can't. I can't go back in time. I can't change what I know. But I can tell you what I want. I want you. I want your touch. I want you love. Your caresses. Your kiss. You have never failed me as a lover and I am so thankful for that."

Cindy took a deep breath before continuing.

"He wasn't always like that. Sometimes it was just to get his rocks off. " A shiver went down Cindy's spine. "I'm just a whore."

"Cindy," the Doctor interrupted, "that's not..."

"You're not a whore Cindy." Kevin said, then stopped...he wanted to finish. Wanted to tell her that she was his wife. But something kept him from doing it.

That Saturday

It was the screaming that awoke Cindy from her sleep. At first she didn't know where it was coming from or who it was but then she heard her husband's voice.

"Get out you bitch!"

Who is he yelling at? Cindy quickly put on her robe and just as she opened the door she heard another voice. A voice from the past.

"Just listen to me Kevin. I messed you two up. I need to fix it!"

"By what? Being even a bigger whore than you already are?"

"Listen you need to get back at me and ...and to even the score with Cindy. If you sleep with me..."

Carol's words stopped Cindy in her tracks. This was one of Cindy's fears. The fear that Kevin would find another to experience, another that might lead him away from her. A fear that just might be coming true.

"What? You talk her into ... into whoring herself out and now you want me to? What are you? Crazy? Get out of my house ... get out of OUR house!!!!"

"Kevin, I'm just tying to help. You two are really messed up and I did it to you both. You're going to get divorced!" Carol's voice began to crack.

"Then ... then that's our decision. Not yours. How are you supposed to help?"

"You can get revenge on her. I ... never did some things with Bob. You could do them to me. Then she would have the same pain as you."

"Now I understand. You don't want to help anyone."

"No I do, I just want to he..."